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Original poster

He's leaving me

167 replies

Stardust286 · 27/10/2025 20:47

Basically I have little to no desire to have sex, it's been this way for months. I have a physically and mentally demanding full time job, I come home from work and I walk the dog (the high energy dog that DP wanted) have to tidy the house (DP doesn't clean up after himself often) so by the time I get to bed I am shattered and the last thing I want is sex. He also works full time in a managerial role, once he finishes work he sits down, I on the other hand cannot sit down until the house is tidy and jobs have been done.
It's all come to a head and he says he's leaving due to lack of intimacy. I don't know how to feel, gutted our 9 year relationship is fizzling out, we don't have date nights or go out much together anymore either. We have sex a couple of times a month but it's not enough for him. I wish I wanted it more but I just can't be arsed I can't seem to get in the mood and I think if he wants to leave me because of that and throw away 9 years then so be it 😭 also I'm only 35 and not peri

OP posts:
TTCbabynumber22025 · 27/10/2025 20:49

How are you feeling about it? Have you told him how tired you are and what’s his excuse for not doing more?

Arlanymor · 27/10/2025 20:51

I imagine you have had conversations about how he can walk his dog and do more around the house so that you aren't exhausted every single day?

ForeverHopeful3 · 27/10/2025 20:54

Why aren't you married after 9 years? That alone is tells you a lot.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 27/10/2025 20:55

Resentment ends up killing most relationships OP.

When he goes, make sure he takes HIS dog with him.

Original poster
Stardust286 · 27/10/2025 20:58

Him walking the dog is an argument I've given up on, I've had dogs all my life and I do all the walking but without her and getting out of the house I think I'd go insane. He knows how tired I am and he's said he knows he needs to do more but doesn't. I can't remember the last time he vacuumed.
We are engaged, it's my choice we're not married due to money etc

OP posts:
JudgeBread · 27/10/2025 20:59

Well if he wanted sex so badly he'd do the necessary things to reach that goal, such as walking his own flipping dog and doing some housework. He's obviously not actually interested in a mutually enjoyable sex life, he just wants to get off.

I'd buy him a fleshlight and wave him on his way, to be honest. You'll probably be surprised to discover your life is significantly less exhausting without him in it.

Arlanymor · 27/10/2025 21:00

Getting married doesn't cost a lot - unless you want a big do - or do you mean not wanting to share finances? It sounds like you have given up on a lot in the course of your time with him - he doesn't bother walking the dog, he doesn't clean up after himself. What DOES he do OP? Sounds like you deserve much better but exhaustion has set in, in all areas of your relationship?

Original poster
Stardust286 · 27/10/2025 21:00

MrsLizzieDarcy · 27/10/2025 20:55

Resentment ends up killing most relationships OP.

When he goes, make sure he takes HIS dog with him.

I agree with resentment.
The dog is staying with me, I put her needs before my own and I know while she's with me she's getting the love and walks she needs. I spoil her rotten, I couldn't live without her

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 27/10/2025 21:01

You have a huge incompatibility with your partner now regarding sex. He wants sex, you don't. You shouldn't have sex you don't want but he doesn't want to stay in a sexless relationship.

Have you guys talked about ways to resolve the issues like the dog walking, either hire a walker or re-home as your partner isn't doing what was supposed to be his job. A high energy dog isn't for everyone. Can you hire a cleaner so you have less housework since your partner isn't pulling his weight in household chores?

Have you gone to your doc and explained you have no libido and had a physical exam and blood work? Peri menopause can start in your 30s, but you sound like you're too exhausted for sex by the time bedtime rolls around.

Are you using any stress management techniques to manage your stress? Do you get regular physical activity that you enjoy?

If he does leave, make sure his dog goes with him. You sound like you need things taken off your plate and a good long rest.

TalulahJP · 27/10/2025 21:03

Sorry hes such an ignorant arse. Selfish and thoughtless. Only thinking of his own needs. Seeing what he chooses to see (not dust or bins or even the dog). Like most men I have been in relationships with sadly.

sorry OP. 😥

Original poster
Stardust286 · 27/10/2025 21:06

I'm not sure how much of coincidence it is but I'm 99% sure I've got adhd/autism. I hate social interactions and loads of other symptoms, all online tests say I have it. So when I'm shattered I just find all the touching and sex too much, I don't get much personal space or breathing space at work so I feel over stimulated, getting out and walking the dog helps massively.
I don't really know what I want from this post, just clarification that I'm not selfish I suppose

OP posts:
JadziaD · 27/10/2025 21:08

Of course, if he wants more sex, it's not surprising that he will leave.

It's a pity, however, that he's not listening to you or making any effort to find ways to help you to want more sex in the first place.

What men don't seem to understand is how completely and totally unsexy it is to have to be someone's mum during the day. Making sure the cooking and cleaning and caring is done because he won't do it. Of course you're not feeling sexy when you finally get to bed. You're tired, resentful and frankly, see him as a chore that just adds to your workload.

Original poster
Stardust286 · 27/10/2025 21:10

JadziaD · 27/10/2025 21:08

Of course, if he wants more sex, it's not surprising that he will leave.

It's a pity, however, that he's not listening to you or making any effort to find ways to help you to want more sex in the first place.

What men don't seem to understand is how completely and totally unsexy it is to have to be someone's mum during the day. Making sure the cooking and cleaning and caring is done because he won't do it. Of course you're not feeling sexy when you finally get to bed. You're tired, resentful and frankly, see him as a chore that just adds to your workload.

That's exactly it spot on

OP posts:
ChristmasHug · 27/10/2025 21:14

What do you want OP?

You can't make him want less sex, he doesn't want to stay with someone with your sex drive.

So you can wave him goodbye (and keep the dog), see if he will change his ways to see whether you feel more up for it, or you can see if you've some medical issue that can be solved, no guarantees you have.

Honestly he sounds like a burden. Does he improve your life? I feel you'd be better off without him.

Also fairly likely he's already seeing someone.

Happy9 · 27/10/2025 21:15

Girl cmon you have a full time job leave him and send the dog also, start again, there is more to life than sex he sound a arse,get rid

ScrewyouJonathon · 27/10/2025 21:17

Sounds a lazy bastard, no wonder you don’t want to have sex why would you? You’ll be ok he can pick his own dog shit up.

outerspacepotato · 27/10/2025 21:19

What men don't seem to understand is how completely and totally unsexy it is to have to be someone's mum during the day. Making sure the cooking and cleaning and caring is done because he won't do it.

This.

And I saw your update, keep the dog of you enjoy having him and the long walks can be stress relievers.

Muffinmam · 27/10/2025 21:22

Stardust286 · 27/10/2025 21:06

I'm not sure how much of coincidence it is but I'm 99% sure I've got adhd/autism. I hate social interactions and loads of other symptoms, all online tests say I have it. So when I'm shattered I just find all the touching and sex too much, I don't get much personal space or breathing space at work so I feel over stimulated, getting out and walking the dog helps massively.
I don't really know what I want from this post, just clarification that I'm not selfish I suppose

You sound like me.

The constant touching and demands for attention leave me utterly exhausted.

I can’t even read because my partner constantly demands attention.

Congratulations! You are going to lose weight, buy some new outfits and eventually find someone better. He wasted your time. You will realise this one day.

Original poster
Stardust286 · 27/10/2025 21:23

Is there more to life than sex though? Am I the problem? I say I have no desire to have sex although I do enjoy self love from time to time so I'm not completely broken lol
I love him I just find the whole relationship stale, no fun or anything anymore. I keep thinking il just put out every night see how that goes but I just cant be bothered. Also had a miscarriage last year and I'm scared of getting pregnant again and he doesn't like using condoms until near the end so I spend all month worrying that we risked it. I think that's also a big reason I can't get in the mood.
It's just hard to throw away 9 years

OP posts:
JadziaD · 27/10/2025 21:26

Stardust286 · 27/10/2025 21:23

Is there more to life than sex though? Am I the problem? I say I have no desire to have sex although I do enjoy self love from time to time so I'm not completely broken lol
I love him I just find the whole relationship stale, no fun or anything anymore. I keep thinking il just put out every night see how that goes but I just cant be bothered. Also had a miscarriage last year and I'm scared of getting pregnant again and he doesn't like using condoms until near the end so I spend all month worrying that we risked it. I think that's also a big reason I can't get in the mood.
It's just hard to throw away 9 years

Well, sex is a pretty important thing for many people. But at the end of the day, he wants sex and you don't. And your reasons are most likely because the relationship is stale, he doesn't show you much in the way of care or love or consideration, and your overall life is quite stresful and overwhelming.

As for the pregnancy thing - I totally get it.

Lifeislove · 27/10/2025 21:32

outerspacepotato · 27/10/2025 21:01

You have a huge incompatibility with your partner now regarding sex. He wants sex, you don't. You shouldn't have sex you don't want but he doesn't want to stay in a sexless relationship.

Have you guys talked about ways to resolve the issues like the dog walking, either hire a walker or re-home as your partner isn't doing what was supposed to be his job. A high energy dog isn't for everyone. Can you hire a cleaner so you have less housework since your partner isn't pulling his weight in household chores?

Have you gone to your doc and explained you have no libido and had a physical exam and blood work? Peri menopause can start in your 30s, but you sound like you're too exhausted for sex by the time bedtime rolls around.

Are you using any stress management techniques to manage your stress? Do you get regular physical activity that you enjoy?

If he does leave, make sure his dog goes with him. You sound like you need things taken off your plate and a good long rest.

Simpler explanation. She has no longer has any desire, no desire or sexual longing for him. Never feels that 'whoah' rush or fizzy feeling. It doesn't die in longer term relationships, it's still there sometimes but he killed it.
He killed it by being a lazy sat on the sofa arse whilst OP ran around doing all the doing that needs to be done day to day.

It's a somatic response.

Dontbeme · 27/10/2025 21:34

Keep the dog, re-home him OP.

He doesn't carry his domestic load of sharing a home with you. So you became "mum" cleaning, cooking and picking up after him, even walking a dog he wanted and doesn't provide practical care for, just like a child. So if course you don't want to be intimate with him, he acts like a child and reasonable adults don't want to be intimate with children.

TheNameWasOnceChosen · 27/10/2025 21:35

You aren't throwing away 9 years, you're making sure you are free from him for the next 50.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 27/10/2025 21:40

Sounds like you're well rid of this lazy git.

Let him go and enjoy your life.

Original poster
Stardust286 · 27/10/2025 21:40

Thanks everyone. All your messages mean a lot. I've just felt like I'm pouring from an empty cup but after writing it all down and reading the replies it's an eye-opener.

OP posts: