He's leaving me

[Stardust286]

Basically I have little to no desire to have sex, it's been this way for months. I have a physically and mentally demanding full time job, I come home from work and I walk the dog (the high energy dog that DP wanted) have to tidy the house (DP doesn't clean up after himself often) so by the time I get to bed I am shattered and the last thing I want is sex. He also works full time in a managerial role, once he finishes work he sits down, I on the other hand cannot sit down until the house is tidy and jobs have been done.
It's all come to a head and he says he's leaving due to lack of intimacy. I don't know how to feel, gutted our 9 year relationship is fizzling out, we don't have date nights or go out much together anymore either. We have sex a couple of times a month but it's not enough for him. I wish I wanted it more but I just can't be arsed I can't seem to get in the mood and I think if he wants to leave me because of that and throw away 9 years then so be it 😭 also I'm only 35 and not peri

It's not hard to throw away 9 years. You've just done it. How much more time are you going to throw away?

You can love someone and walk away with love. Loving someone doesn't mean staying and putting up with a life you don't want.

He sounds bloody awful! Don't start blaming yourself for not feeling up for having sex. He doesn't do his share of the housework or dog walking - that would be a big turn off for me. I'm happily single, but if I wasn't then I'd want a partner who contributed and was proactive in doing the chores and the mundane shit (and not leave it all to me/the flying pig/the magic fairy to do). @JadziaD got it to a tee. Sod flowers, chocs and expensive gifts - for me anyway, it is the small everyday things: a meal that's been cooked, the laundry done, the trash taken out, grocery shop done, the house cleaned/tidied, the lawn mowed or car washed....knowing you've got a good team mate on side....and not some twat that thinks the bloody tooth fairy does all this shit.

I think him leaving would do you a favour: you'll have a nice, clean, tidy house (less mess as he's not there making a mess), a lot less stress, a dog that you love and no worries about a partner giving you any crap for not being up for sex whenever he fancies it. Also, WTH re: him not wanting to wear condoms (when you're worried about pregnancy)?! So he's putting that worry on you too. It sounds like he's tramping all over your boundaries and wishes, and not giving a damn about any of them.

Tell him to pack his things and sling his hook. Let's see just how many women would put up with the likes of him.

Make sure he takes his dog.

Make sure he doesn't take the dog!

Ask him to swap ... you come home and sit down and he does your tasks for a month. Then review.

Let him go and good luck on him finding someone who matches his sex drive …and good luck to her if that’s what he values over 9 years together. The pressure is off …you’ll miss him but you have a long life ahead of you . Don’t be made to feel bad by someone who is so willing to give up.

Let him go OP. He will get a shock when he loses his maid and you will have more energy as he’s clearly draining you with his mess and your resentment for him not pulling his weight

Not everyone wishes to marry

Just let him go OP. The relationship sounds dead. Thankfully you've got your own house, you don't need him. You'll only get more resentful as time goes by. Do you really want to be on MN in a years time asking the same question? You're still relatively young, you could meet someone else if you so wished. But if I was you, I'd spend a good deal of time on your own to reflect what you actually want from life or from a partner.

Forgot to add - Definitely keep the dog! The loyalty and love they give, you just can't get from a man.

I have never met a woman who says no to a wedding if the man desires to wed her. Something is not right if a woman is saying no, especially for NINE years.

A man saying no for NINE years tells you all that you need to know honestly...

Really? You've never met a woman who says no to a proposal. Let me introduce myself. 🙄

Im sorry OP, and im sorry about the miscarriage too. It sounds like you've both checked out and yes, you deserve better.

My husband learnt using his neanderthal brain that I am much more inclined to have sex if he's done his share of the house work and childcare. He's also a good enough person to know that its not guaranteed even if the house is tidy etc. Its not a quick fix like "i did the dishes now let's get it on". Its the ongoing feeling of feeling seen and supported. Ive also had to learn to help him feel loved and supported. Im easily irritable so ive really worked on that. It takes 2 to tango.

You're very young to sound so exhausted. It sounds like you need a really good rest, curled up with your dog 🐕 take care x

Enjoy the peace OP and send him on his merry way ASAP. He will have a cold reality shock when he realises other women don’t fancy signing up to be his human appliance.

I’ve had relationships like this and after the initial sadness it’s nothing but peace and happiness once they’ve gone ☺️
have a lovely cosy winter with your dog and see how you feel about dating in the spring.

What? Me and my DP are not married after 23 years. What does that tell me?

The OP WORKS. Did you miss that bit? She goes to work and then comes home and does ALL the work that she and her partner should be dividing equally because THEY BOTH WORK. Jesus fucking Christ.

Sorry your are hurting. I'm not surprised you're not enjoying being a bangmaid. The job no woman applies for yet we all seem to get.

It's not throwing away 9 years, it's saying goodbye to a job your never signed up for and finding space to reconnect with yourself.

I'm biased mind, been single for 18 months and the longer I am, the less I find the idea of a man in my life attractive. It's difficult at first but having a year to yourself can be a great reset and space to work on boundaries and self esteem. You don't owe this man sex, he did owe you the basic respect if he'll maintain the home your had together. No wonder your body went off him. The rest of your will catch up I hope!

Really? I must be a man then because I have turned down three proposals, not because I disliked the person, but because I have zero desire to be married. The only time I agreed was because we had children and I wanted legal security for them. We still didn’t get around to it, but if we had it would’ve been a simple civil ceremony with no fuss or frills.

Once he's gone, he aint coming back, wedding or no wedding. Think about all the previous amazing sex you had with him, don't throw it all away.

Have you actually read her posts? And understood what she’s said?

So I am a bloke, and if OK, offer my view which I am hoping to be as balanced as possible. This is a very very common issue, when two people have been together for some years.

Communication is absolutely key, where you both sit down and talk through the challenges and pressures. You don't say this in your opening post. You have both failed in many ways to communicate effectively and to try and find a compromise.

Men are simple basic things really. We want to most basic things, and women want the emotional things. Sex is a fundamental aspect of a healthy relationship - just like eating and breathing is. Possibly resentment kicked it.

I think its possibly recoverable assuming both sides agree to some 'refreshed' rules. Such as you consider go to the Dr's to make sure it isn't just busy at work not putting you in the mood, and he agrees to take the dog for a walk and tidy the house - just for starters as an example. Agree to set without fail, date nights. Whatever that looks like.

Its very easy to get into a rut, and both sides deciding not to work at it, and the longer you are together, they harder you have to work at it. Go away for a weekend. Agree what is a reasonable amount of intimacy etc...

This is merely a classic relationship going through a stale patch.

But rich lecturing in a complex skill that involves emotions, while simultaneously claiming men are basic.

I absolutely do not miss that condescending correctives from men now I'm intimate relationship free.

Please don't say stuff like this to people IRL dude.

As an aside, there are some very strange posts on this thread. Have we been overrun by bots or something?!

How can you compare sex to breathing. Nobody dies from not having sex.

I was not trying to be lecturing. I was replying based on the original post and was trying to say that it take two to work at a relationship. The poster has pretty much withdrawn from sex and that there is a reason for that, be emotional, tiredness, medical and so on. I was merely offering an opinion, that was all and then some get bent out of shape as it doesn't mirror their own narrative. I would absolutely say stuff like this in person but people these days often dont like to hear the truth. What I find odd is how everyone comes running "oh poor you, he's horrible etc..." I was trying to offer a balanced view that it takes two. I didn't criticise or put the blame on the lady who posted, I merely tried to say clearly something has broken down, and the advice I offered is in line with what a marriage counsellor would say and I was not being condescending. Goodness me, what a woke world we live in. If the person didnt want advice or comments, then they wouldnt post.