He's leaving me

[Stardust286]

Basically I have little to no desire to have sex, it's been this way for months. I have a physically and mentally demanding full time job, I come home from work and I walk the dog (the high energy dog that DP wanted) have to tidy the house (DP doesn't clean up after himself often) so by the time I get to bed I am shattered and the last thing I want is sex. He also works full time in a managerial role, once he finishes work he sits down, I on the other hand cannot sit down until the house is tidy and jobs have been done.
It's all come to a head and he says he's leaving due to lack of intimacy. I don't know how to feel, gutted our 9 year relationship is fizzling out, we don't have date nights or go out much together anymore either. We have sex a couple of times a month but it's not enough for him. I wish I wanted it more but I just can't be arsed I can't seem to get in the mood and I think if he wants to leave me because of that and throw away 9 years then so be it 😭 also I'm only 35 and not peri

Your comment about not being peri , you totally could be . It's not impossible to start to go through an early menopause.

Putting your ( not very nice husband ) aside , I'd go to your gp to get your bloods checked for hormone levels , ask about testosterone to be check as well .

Sorry your marriage is imploding , but he does not sound a very nice , caring man .

Sorry just seen you are not married , he's still a dick though , be thankful your not married !

Wave him goodbye, since his big managerial brain can’t compute the situation he has put you in. He must be an awful manager.

I could have written this, My husband left me for the same reasons, I was in my late 20s and I struggled to explain how I felt at the time. The guilt trips made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I was overwhelmed with work having had a few promotions, looking after us and studying part time for my qualifications. He did nothing to look after us apart from spending money we didn't have. I was devasted when he left but as another poster said, within a few months I'd recovered and realised I felt happier and lighter without all the burden of his needs. Life is now good, I'm currently single and happy. I've had a few relationships since, nothing stuck long term but what I discovered was there was nothing wrong with my libido - it turns out I just didn't want him!

He wants more sex- i get it. I'd question if he wants more sex with you or just sex in general. The reason I say this is he knows you are knackered and instead of trying to ease the load he is actually adding to it. Be single. U will have less to do and peace. Good luck OP.

OP, it's a him problem. His lack of care for you and his laziness and selfishness has caused any feelings you may have for him to shut down. He has caused all of this, including your current lack of libido...which will no doubt recover when you have parted ways. Resentment is a big passion killer and he is too selfish to realise he is wholly responsible. You deserve so much more!
I hope it's your house and you can get rid of him asap. Keep your dog of course, she sounds much better company than your current partner.

Those years are not thrown away. They happened. You learned a lot and had some great times.

Things often fizzle out. I'd say more than they don't really.

He sounds awful so congratulations. Next time do not tolerate someone who leaves you to clean their mess for one second.

Hope he's taking the dog too.

I think you would feel so much better out of this relationship.

Imagine coming home to a clean and tidy house, that you left clean and tidy. Then you can go on a long walk with your dog, come home, relax, make dinner, tidy up your minimal mess and then get in to bed and sleep.

BLISS!!!

Make sure he shuts the door himself on the way out. Enjoy life without the lazy entitled beast.

I’m pretty sure you’ll find your sexual desire returns once you’re coming home to a clean, tidy, peaceful house, exactly as you left it, and your evenings aren’t taking up looking after a giant waste of skin and seething with resentment.

It’s not 9 years wasted, it’s a good learning experience not to ignore red flags which were probably there from the start.

He sounds worse and worse. He is not bothered about your feelings, or he would be making more of an effort. He is like a lot of guys who dont really believe there will be consequences of their actions until they happen.

I know a couple of women whose husbands left them due to lack of sex, among other reasons. Turns out, these women’s libido came crashing back through once their shitty husbands fled.

The husbands on the other hand, are still on the look out for this elusive constantly sexual being that is capable of satisfying their “needs”. In other words, can’t get a shag for love nor money.

💯 this!!

Definitely . It happened to me too.
Though I ended it after he cheated. Claimed I didn't show him enough "blind lust"
desire 24/7 (though we were still on weekly at that point after 36years) and, if I'm honest I hadn't found his body physically attractive in a 'Whoah' kind of way for years due to weight gain but I still felt affection and love.

However, since I have had 3 years of sexual exploration and had a fabulous lover for past 32 months (Long distance and I ended it recently for reasons unrelated to this thread)
I now know he wasn't great in bed full stop.
And my desire came from a different place to his.
I'm 62 and my body worked like it was 22 and I had no idea that was possible. But I found it was.

Maybe you are ND, but that's not the reason you don't want to have sex with him, it's because he's a selfish, entitled, lazy, sexist man.

Look, it’s over. None of this is love.

split up

Be happy.

I think you can do better for yourself .
Or let him go just stay single and be you it's actually brilliant to be single if it's financially viable for you.
Honestly your relationship sounds a bit tired so why waste anymore time on it life is too short.
Let him go and let you be you .

This 💯

How about you use some form of contraception yourself and one evening a week you get home walk the dog he orders something from Deliveroo so no cooking you don't do any housework and have an early night with him? If you love him isn't it worth a try?

Sounds bloody awful. I wouldnt want sex if my partner didn't do anything for me, or his own work - is it your house @Stardust286 ??

If he wanted sex that bad, he could have had a purely sexual affair or even paid for it!

Don't feel like you've wasted nine years, feel like you're getting out to stop wasting more years. Men like this in my experience never change. He's a selfish entitled male arsehole. Let him go and you'll be so much happier. This man treats you like an unpaid servant and expects you to fancy him and service him when he needs/wants it. Sometimes (in my experience with my previous 18 year marriage) you fall out of love without realising it, because of situations and this in turn can massively affect your sex drive. I've just married again, we've been together for 9 years and every day I love/fancy him more. We are a proper equal partnership, he respects me and I respect him. Just let it go or you will regret it more in another 9 years. You sound like a strong woman able to be on her own without the need to put up with shit from a partner. Good luck and stay strong ❤️

Sorry but why are you putting all the blame on yourself and diagnosing yourself with ADHD etc when what you've described in your post is how anyone would feel when they've been treated by a fucking doormat by the person who is supposed to love them?! NO ONE would want sex in your position. No one.

Im not surprised you don't want to have sex with him tbh. Unequal division of labour doesn't turn me on either.

Are you this boring in bed? Don't worry, I can guess.

If this is the situation pre kids, it would be 100 times worse in terms of the burden on you if you stayed with him and had children. Get out now, maybe you’ll find someone who’s not a selfish prick. If you don’t, you can live happily on your own (and have a child if you want) As a PP said, you’re not throwing away 9 years, you’re saving yourself from 50 years of exhaustion and resentment. You sound lovely, take care 💐