Lied about his height

[rubberduck68]

I went on a date last night (met online). In his profile he said he was 6ft (I have nothing set for height restrictions) but when he turned up I knew he was not 6ft. My ex-husband, family members and male friends are 6ft. I know what 6ft looks like. I’d put him at 5ft 10” on a good day. I asked him about it and he said, “I’m 5ft 11” seemed silly to worry about an inch.” I don’t care how tall he is, but I am worried that this is an indication that he will lie about other things too? I don't date the men who put in their profile “Not really 55, 65” as though my chosen age filters are not important. Is this the same?

Anyone dated someone who lied about this online, and they turned out to be an honest, okay guy?

Thats a problem.

If you had said nothing about height and honesty it wouldn't be a problem.

Its the attention to stuff like this from the outset that matters.

. I’d put him at 5ft 10” on a good day. I asked him about it and he said, “I’m 5ft 11” seemed silly to worry about an inch.”

I think this is all part of the horror of OLD.

He will know that to maximise searches he would be better off adding an inch.

I think the same applies to a woman who knows men are obsessed by age and who might say she's 49, or 59, rather than going up to the next decade of the 'over 50s' and 'over 60s'.

She'd know that it would reduce the searches and so what- she might have turned 50 the day before, so would it be a huge lie to say she was 49?

Calling you silly is a double red flag.

He's dismissive of whats important to you and why.

He's not the one for you.

He didn't call HER silly. he said IT was silly- ie the whole height declaration.

His answer to your challenge bothers me more than the lie. It seems silly to worry about an inch? That's his response to your boundaries and preferences. If he'd said I miss out on great matches for the sake of an inch I think that would be better

But then don't put your height on their if you don't want to...

He lied about his height and his pics were outdated and from a time when he weighed less. Annoying, but lots of people do this.

His dismissiveness was presumably because he was embarrassed to have to admit to the lie. Agree that there are various ways he could have handled that better.

Not great signs about him, but not huge ‘red flags’ either IMO.

Saying ‘it’ would be silly to care about lies about height clearly implies OP’s opinion would be silly. Rude!

Is that as rude as almost getting out a tape measure on a first date and telling a guy they are a liar?

Isn't the definition of gaslighting making someone's reaction to bad behaviour the problem?

Not always. It could be just expressing an honest opinion. He did say IT was silly. Not 'you are silly'. There is a subtle difference.

I think many men would have walked the moment she started being picky over his height. I fail to understand how she doesn't see it as rude and too personal.
It's one thing to think it but another to mention it. That's rude.

In answer to your original question, yes! I met my partner online and on his profile he put his height as 5'10" - when we met up I noticed we were basically the same height (I'm between 5'8" and 5'9"). It didn't bother me because it wasn't a huge difference and I tend to go for guys around my height anyway so I didn't really care. I didn't even really class it as "lying" - just a bit of optimistic elaboration, ahem. We talked about it a few dates in and laughed about it. Been together 2.5 years now and he's amazing, very honest and straightforward, with no red flags! If I'd dismissed him on the basis of adding an inch or two to his height on his dating profile because he was worried that women might dismiss him if he didn't then I would have missed out, big time. Admittedly your guy's reaction to you bringing it up doesn't sound great... but by itself, it's by no means a deal-breaker in my opinion.

If it's important to someone yes it's a problem and no it's not rude.

The OP has made it clear that lying is an issue. The dismissive way of handling that is a problem.

The OP has been very up front about it. That's not rude. That's a boundary. It's one thing to say 'yeah I put it because some women won't even give me a chance otherwise and I think given the chance, rather than stereotypes, I can prove myself to be worth the effort.

Instead calling the OP 'silly' is instantly confrontational, dismissive of concerns and issues. It's actually domineering and trying to put the woman in her place.

Any relationship should start from a position where you don't need to be perfect but having a good response about why you'd like to be given an opportunity because you feel you are unfairly dismissed rather than given a chance is very different from calling someone 'silly'. Remember this is your starting point and it should be taken as the point where someone is out to impress rather than suppress feelings.

I am smiling at the comments about taking a tape measure on dates. As a 6 foot tall woman, I AM the tape measure! I am tentatively dating again after the breakup of my marriage. This thread is making me realise that I need to warn men about my height in advance. I suppose it's a good way to check if they are actually reading my profile.

Just a thought. Everyone wants to be taller and an athlete until they're old. You've then got bad backs and dodgy knees to look forward to.

I was thinking what I'd put about me on a OLD profile. It doesn't bare thinking about but I get lots of chat ups anyway as don't wear my rings. I'm not interested.
My BFF is a scream. She goes out at least twice a week and she's had good and bad. She's a bit saucy though so she's usually trying to get shot of them.
Loads of short liars but she's no better.

OP wasn’t ‘picky’ about his height, and didn’t need a tape measure to easily tell he’d lied about that and his weight. She is ‘picky’ about this type of lie. Some of us wouldn’t mind, some would.

Agree it was a little rude for OP to bring up the height lie directly!

He didn't call HER silly. He said the idea of focusing on the inch was 'silly'. He could even have implied that HE was the silly one for making the 'change' to his profile.We weren't there.

It's incredibly rude to talk about physical attributes or lack of them on a first date. even if they are a variance with his profile.

How ill-mannered and tactless.
Even if she feels justified it doesn't put her in a good light.

By all means dwell on it afterwards but calling it out on the first date- nope.

it's not a big lie but it's a lie and I guess now you're thinking is this an indication that he is quite happy to lie here and there. I think what would bother me Is he saying silly to bother about an inch and rounded up rather than just saying yeah I was an inch or two out. I rarely meet anyone I like SO if everything else was really great I'd potentially be prepared to see him again but the first hint of any further lies I would see it as a character trait.

If he'd acknowledged it before you raised it, it would be one thing. The fact he didn't think lying would be a big deal might not have come from a malicious place, but it's still a lie he knew he told and got away with, and you know what they say - when someone shows you who they are, believe them. It would just put me off to be honest if someone said they were one thing and really they were another. This is obviously a minor infraction, but it's an infraction at the very very very very start of your meeting all the same. At the same time, my now husband, whom I met online but through friends not through any dating apps, said literally these words to me (I didn't ask him how tall he was) so I already suspected he was grandstanding to impress me. There are, and were, so many other green flags that had already caught my attention that literally one inch didn't matter to me. That was a big difference - what his behaviour is like matters SO much when he's lied and got away with saying something untrue at the very outset.

I'm tall and like men to be the same height as me or taller. I used to stipulate a height 2" taller than me because so many men rounded up.

Also, it's not shallow to have preferences on looks. I'm nearly 6' and I don't want to go out with a man who's 5'5. I can tell you that there are plenty of short men who don't want to go out with women taller than them and plenty of tall men who don't want to go out with a woman who's nearly the same height as them. People like what they like.

I agree with this.

The better part of valor is to pretend not to notice someone's foibles until you know them a LOT better than a first meeting.

As I said before, would someone call out a new boss, on, say, some claim they made on social media that was dubiously true? A neighbour? An in-law?

A first date is just a potential new friend, and if all goes well, with the passage of time perhaps a lover. They aren't a boyfriend, spouse or otherwise someone we may have influence over by virtue of a long relationship. Why would anyone tax a new friend with an embarrassing "rib" about something they clearly are sensitive to?

Imagine if a man said to a woman he'd just met for coffee: "Hah, your photo downplayed your abdomen; you've actually got quite the paunch there! haha!" or "Hmm, the angle of your profile photo sure hid what a honking nose you have there. You really should post a more honest photo."

She just queried him lying about his height - which maybe takes some nerve. I'd suggest he's relying on the fact that she wouldn't. That's what people do. Yes, he replied that focusing on the idea of the need to be accurate about height was silly. He's gaslighting her and now you are too - at length.

I was referring to you with the gaslighting comment. You seem more concerned with my reaction to his lie, than the fact that he lied?

No, that's not the definition of "gaslighting."

He was dismissive but he wasn't trying to make you think you were losing your mind.

You seem very worried about being taken advantage of or "lied to." Personally I would not consider someone's online profile, made before they ever knew I existed, a "lie" directed to me.

And another thing about "ribbing." One of my former co-workers, now retired, is a man in his late 60s, about 5'4". He is nice-looking, kind, knows how to do all sorts of things from handyman / DIY to art to gardening. He is a good friend to all, generous to his niece and nephew, a good person.

But he has never had a relationship or family because his macho, sociopathic and tall dad made his life a living hell over his height, from adolescence onward, jeering and bullying him and telling him how shrimpy and useless he was, and how no one would want him, and how he wasn't tall enough to do "manly" things around the house. (I am acquainted with his sister who privately corroborated all of this.)

He has felt unattractive and ugly for the past 50 years, and was conditioned to see himself as "less than" most other men.

He actively gets uncomfortable when talk turns to height, even if it's not directed toward him (for example at a work lunch, a colleague was talking about how her daughter already was taller than both her and her son). He finally saw a therapist a few years ago for 24 months and seems to be much more at peace with himself. But I imagine if a new acquaintance had taken it upon herself to "rib" him about fudging his height on a profile, he would have a big setback.

That's one reason why I never 'rib' anyone about physical characteristics.

The situation is not comparable to work colleagues or friends at all. Men who lie often fit the framework of controlling and abusive men, and women have to be careful how they select at the outset to avoid them. Online dating is at one end of the spectrum frustrating and the other end of the spectrum for women dangerous, and we have to decide in a short space of time what we’re dealing with.