My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

Why would you take someone back who went behind your back for two years and was happy to stab you in the heart and cause you immense distress and suffering?

You deserve loyalty and respect not some sly, deceptive and weak will man like he is.

2 years! Please don’t ask this question. This is unforgivable.

if this was your daughters what would you say

I cannot emphasise this enough, he is perfectly at ease manipulating your daughters, HIS children, for sympathy. Would you do that to your children?

He's lost his job and the other woman doesn't want him any more. That's why he wants to come home.

I presume that they were having sex in the workplace and he has been found out and sacked. I couldn't even look at him any more, never mind take him back.

Tough I know but I’d want the story from the OW. She might be up for a conversation or a meeting or not. He’s proved he’s a lying cheating scumbag. He could still be doing that. She may have got fed up with him too.
Regarding taking him back? It’s a nope from me. One of my lesser desirable personality traits is that I can bear a grudge and I can be unforgiving so that would be huge! I’d stew on it, chuck it up at every argument and my relationship would self destruct as a result.
As for anything else? Hell no …. It’s been … elsewhere!
Everyone is different though.

For the love of god don't take him back. And get an STI test asap.

"Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!"

He's sorry for himself.
It didn't mean nothing to you, did it?
Why did he think something he wasn't that into was enough to destroy your life and family?
He thinks counselling is going to get you to see things his way. Does he have a history of overruling and disregarding your feelings?

"I love him still and he’s all I know"

Have a really hard think about that love. Who is it that you love? Is it the man who did this to you? Is it the man you thought he was before the last two years? Is it the man you wish he was?
What exactly is it you're feeling? Is it really love? Or is it pity? Is it guilt, do you feel responsible for him, or obliged to try to fix things because he says he wants to? Do you have an over active rescue impulse? Is it fear of the unknown?

Of course he wants to come back. You have been a supportive, loving, faithful wife for many years. A fantastic mother to your joint children. I bet you’ve even been a wonderful daughter in law to his parents.

You’ve got a great job and a lovely home. You have a long, shared history together. In fact, you are such a good egg that he felt he could tell you all the details of his affair. Your marriage is the prize but he took that prize and smashed it from a great height.

You will never trust him. He wants back in the family fold because she doesn’t want him now. Because life for him has gone from exciting to disastrous. As gently as possible, he sees you as the runner up prize. The safe, back up plan.

Only you can decide @Thescornedwifeif you will let him come back but whatever you do, keep posting on here and talking to supportive friends in real life . His suggestion of counselling is a good one but not couples counselling - look for a good counsellor for yourself.

And the reason you thought he was getting close to you again before she ended it was probably because he could see which way the wind was blowing and was hedging his bets.

No no no no no no no.

He isn’t sorry and he doesn’t love you. He’s fucked up his life letting his dick rule his brain and nod he’s coming back to you as his back up plan.
He wants his home comforts and somewhere to stick his dick and you’re the easy option.

Come on find your self respect and anger and telm
him he’s made his bed.

I can’t believe after what he’s done to you, you’re falling for the crocodile tears

He's only sorry he got found out and lost his job. As soon as someone else catches his eye, he'll be off again. Don't feel sorry for him: he's taking you for a mug. Please don't be that mug, if not for yourself, then for the sake of your daughters. You deserve better.

Oh OP, i feel your pain through your words, but deep down you know what to do.
The affair was 2 years, the word love was definitely used.
Don't do this to yourself or your children, you are all victims to this weak man.
I hope you find your anger soon and realise you deserve so much better.
But at the end of the day, think clearly, you still have a good job, your beautiful home and children and the respect of your family, he has lost everything and then ask yourself, why do I think he wants back with me? Does he really love me or just want what I have? Be honest with yourself, you know the answers.
All the best x

I'm so sorry OP, you deserve much better than this.

The only reason he wants to come back is because he needs your financial support now that he's lost everything.

What advice would you give your daughters, or your best friend, if this happened to them?

Hes realised the grass is not greener on the other side, and now he’s got no where to go, he’s trying to soften you up to move in with you again . Think about it, you probably cooked for him, washing, kept a nice house etc. That’s very attractive when he’s got no decent alternative options.

But he cheated you physically and emotionally for TWO years. You and your family took second place to the ow.

Oh god they all say this. My XH wanted to “find himself” too. All he found was his way into her bed. It’s utter, utter bullshit.

I did
I took mine back after an affair.
But my kids were young and two had disabilities and I didn't feel I could manage them without him.
I was grateful he came back .
He hadn't been gone long though,just a few weeks.
It was very hard to get past ,but I honestly felt I had no choice..at the time both boys had been expelled from school ,and the lea couldn't find another school to take them ...so I was just grateful I had another pair of hands to help me .
Probably what contributed to it happening in the first place ,I can't split myself in two ,the boys needs had to come first .
He was a very weak man ,and I did resent him for it .
But we repaired the marriage ..and 20 years later we are still together.
My boys will never leave home to be independent,and had they not had their disabilities..I don't know that I would of given him a second chance

He is not worthy of your love. You deserve a better life. Don't take him back.

How on earth can you say you still love him??? You don't, you're just feeling sorry for yourself. He's the absolute lowest of the low. You can't possibly take him back. It's awful but you must find your anger, a great lawyer and rinse him in the divorce settlement. If you take him back you'll become a shell of yourself and he will do it again. Please set a good example for your daughters.

He’s known about the affair for 2 years, but you’ve only just found out. If nothing else you need time & space to process this.

Tell him you need 3 weeks with absolutely no contact or communication to get your head together. Your DD’s can contact him directly & meet him outside the home is they want to see him.

At the moment your heart is telling you that if you take him back then everything will go back to Before. It won’t. He has poisoned your relationship & that will fester away. Give it 3 weeks with no contact, start to build your life without him. Get angry. And then see how you feel.

Please don’t do it OP. He doesn’t care for you or his children. Selfish horrible man!

Well he did “find himself “ in another woman’s bed.

I think the problem will be that if you take him back because you have so little self respect, then he won’t respect you either and he will be unfaithful again given the chance.

He doesn't want you OP he just doesn't want to be on his own. OW has obviously realised he's not the catch she thought he was and moved on.
He needs someone to look after him.

Please, please don't take him back. I know it's incredibly difficult, but look at the facts and what he has done to you and your family. No matter what he says to try to convince you, he has shown you what he is really like. His words mean nothing. His actions tell you everything you need to know and you must know that the only way to make this a happier outcome is to not take him back. He has mentally tortured you. If this was physical torture, you wouldn't even consider it. I'm so sorry you're going through this and sorry that he continues to hurt you by trying to get back with you after what he has done. It is unforgivable.

He’s trying to come back to you because his charmed double life has blown up in his face and life is difficult for him now. You are the easy known comfortable fallback option - for him That is.

No wonder he is begging you to take him back! He’s blown everything up & is scrambling around for a comfy landing pad.

he sounds like a desperate & shameless loser.

two years! Two years! Hold your head up high op. Tell him, tell yourself - you deserve much better than someone who would treat you like that.