My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

Anything is possible. You can come back from this, with counselling as a couple and as individuals. If that's what you want, then yes, it is perfectly possible to get back to a stronger place as a couple.

I know a couple who split because she was having an affair. She left the marital home and her children, pursued a relationship with the man she had an affair with and it was way grubbier than the affair you describe, it didn't work out, she realised she still loved her husband, and now they are together and stronger.

This story does not go anywhere near how difficult it was for the whole family to get to that point, and it involved an extraordinary amount of self-reflection and counselling on the part of my friend who had the affair. She knew exactly how much damage she had done, and exactly how abhorrent her behaviour was. And her husband was willing to accept and understand the factors that had driven her to running away from their life, without taking any blame for them, and she could describe them without apportioning blame to him. They worked on their relationship together, and themselves individually, and it's extraordinary and beautiful, but it really wasn't easy. At all.

Only you know if it's worth it. And crucially, whether you can forgive him. Whether you want to.

Just don't think it would be easier to take him back, than going it alone. Either path is hard work. Which sort of hard work do you want?

Sending you lots of love and luck.

He wants to come back because you’re better than nothing. And you want him back because it’s better than nothing. It’s ok to want that.

If you take him back now, you’ll loose the opportunity to build a life that’s really fulfilling. That might be a life where you are happy, with good friends and family and decline crappy relationships with men because they don’t add anything to your life. It might be a new relationship with someone that is much better than the one you had. It might even be a new relationship with the new changed him.

All of those, especially the last one, need time and work. And HE needs to go to therapy, identity what was missing for him in your marriage, what was missing in him that meant having an affair and bailing was his solution, and how he will grow to solve that differently and he needs to show you, in real, consistent behaviour changes, that he is capable of sustaining the relationship you want. And he needs to do that BEFORE he comes back. Because right now all you know for sure is that he cannot. You need to treat him as a new partner. Not the one you thought he was and he has shown he was not. That will take at least two years. You wouldn’t move in with someone you didn’t know in any less time, would you? Is he prepared to wait two years to ‘come home’? Are you prepared to pause building a life centring yourself and your girls for two years? For a man you may not want to move in after that time, and who may not want you, then either. After all, he didn’t two years ago. And hopefully you will grow over those years, too.

Ester Perel has written a very good book on affairs. It is fairly neutral about whether to separate or not and I think you would find it helpful in understanding how to navigate this. I’m sorry. It’s a horrible situation for everyone.

You love your idea of the man he is, not the man he’s shown you he actually is. He has no integrity, no honour and no self-respect. Now he’s on the cusp of losing his last shreds of dignity, he wants to work on your marriage. The time for that was before he betrayed your trust to go dipping his wick elsewhere.

You deserve to be with someone who chooses you every day, not just when the chips are down. It feels unimaginable now to rebuild your life without him, but trust me, you can. I’ve been there, done it, and it almost broke me but I wouldn’t go back now for all the tea in China.

I could never, ever, take my DH back if he cheated on me with a one night stand, let alone a 2 year affair for which he had left me. He told her he loved her, and lied repeatedly to your and your children.

And worse, he was affectionate and sleeping with you before he had even ended things or told you about the other woman? Can you really not see that he has only done this because in the cold light of day, he realises things aren’t what he thought they would be with the other woman? That he has lost his job, home and status and is turning to you because he has to, not because he is sorry or loves you?

I understand feeling confused and sad, but you need to feel angry too. How dare he treat you and your girls like this?

Yes they had sex multiple times on the work place. There was evidence on cameras of their cars being there and arriving etc. not of the actual act, they went where there were no cameras

What strikes me @Thescornedwife is he is still in control of what he wants and where he goes

and that simply cannot be the case - you need to take charge and decide what you want (not what he wants) and any timeline for that taking into account the impact of your daughters

The issue is not whether he lives her the issue is that he no longer lives YOU

so you will be a placeholder until
his person comes along. Even worse the one that helps his reputation come back and helps him emotionally and everything for the NEXT person.

the sooner you realise that the better.

He’s a hobosexual. Nothing says true love like a man in need of somewhere to live. Except now he’s a shitter version of himself. Bad rep, no money, no home, living with him mum, and a sordid affair under his belt. He’s not the catch you think he is. He’ll not respect you if you take him back. He’ll see you as weak and it’ll give him carts Blanche to do it again. Remember, he did it the last time just because he could. He didn’t give a shit about and the kids.

So he has:
No job (job your children needed him to have for their security).
No car.
No phone.
No work perks.
No sex (she's gone).
Nowhere to live.

This is why he wants to come back. NOT because he loves you. If he loved you, he wouldn't have done it.

It wasn't a mistaken one night stand. Two years of lying. Cheating. Fucking her. Loving her.

Don't let him use you. Please. You're worth so much more than this lying, slimy scumbag. The man you loved is gone. He doesn't exist anymore. You can't get that man back.

This says it all very well.

I am sorry for your pain and misery.

You deserved and still do deserve far far better than this.

Do not take him back. You have come so far even on six mo the and even though you don’t feel like you have. You are not the same woman.

This is who he is. He has shown you his real self. He will not change. He absolutely will do it to you again. No doubt.

Keep on crying. Keep on healing. Keep him out.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home

Yes, because she obviously dumped him and he hasn't got any other plans.

Do NOT take him back. He chose to check out of the marriage. He can't be trusted. He can wallow in the misery of his own making.

This is so incredible cruel of him. Even after leaving, he was still deceiving you. That only worked in his favour because it got him back into your affections and bed. And here you are, hurt all over again, because you caught him in an even bigger lie.
That's twice he's lied to you already.

My advice is no this can't be fixed. The fact that he went straight to "WE need counselling" not "I need counselling to work out why I did this" is almost a suggestion that something was lacking with you or your relationship that led him to cheat, not something lacking with him.

Stay at least seperate for now even if you don't want to leap to divorce immediately, he gets individual counselling (I'd suggest it for you and your girls if they want it too), get some really good legal advice from an actual lawyer and then you at least have all the facts.

Tell him he needs to stay at his parents or somewhere else for the time being. If your kids want to see him they can do it there or go out, I wouldn't let him back in the house for now.

I tried to move past an affair (similar circumstances to you) but ultimately couldn’t. I was miserable. He was too. He thought being the best husband and father ever made up for what he did. It did not. Cut your losses and move on. You can’t get back what is lost.

You need to move on. 2 years he was in a relationship with another woman. Thats not just an affair. It would have continued if it could have. They have obviously been forced to separate. (Which will probably not last to long)
You are probably his stability in terms of a home/money/kids. But thats not love . Thats convenience till something better comes along.
He knows what buttons to push with you and your kids to get you all to feel sorry for him and want to look after him.
Plus as others have said what example are you showing your kids. That its ok if they get cheated on. Lied to . Used ! . That they should accept it and not have higher standards.

Dear god OP, I say this kindly, but grow a fucking backbone and kick this loser as far as you can. If you can't do it for you, do it for your children.

Your kids have already lost all respect for their POS father. Don't let them think they're the product of two weak willed people who don't love them enough to put them first.

Agree! Thrill of the chase?!

The H is the one who doesn't know what love is!

I only found out more this morning that he was also sending explicit videos and pictures of himself from our home to the OW before he left me. He lost his job because my uncle and his family own the business and he has now lost all the perks of that. I can’t believe he would risk all of that for this woman, I guess she was worth it for a while there

I haven't read any of the messages but have you tried this? Dry your eyes say "fuck this I deserve nothing but the best" then tell him to do one and go and live your best life?

You don't love him.

You love the man you thought he was.

There's a big difference. He's not that man.

He has betrayed and manipulated you for over 2 years.

He is still manipulating you.

If it had worked out, there's no way he would have came back.

He's back because she doesn't want him, he's sick of living with his parents, he's broke and returning is the easiest option for him.

You deserve better than this. Your children do too. You are teaching them not to allow their future partners treat them like crap.

Disgusting man.
how dare he think he can have two partners.
no it’s over.

It’s your decision if you take him back, if you can live with him knowing what he has done, the intimacy with another person. Can you be sure you will be forever able not to throw the affair in his face when you argue. Can you really let seeeloing dogs lie.
Will you forever have doubt that he isn’t in Asda when he’s off buying milk.
Will you trust him 100% that he will never do this again.

The feelings you felt when you found out and knowing 60% of the details of the affair (he hasn’t told you everything, it was 2 years not sex by the bins after getting pissed one night with a stranger)- can you live with this forever

I've been there. I'm so sorry, but do NOT take him back.

It was 2 years. Not sure how you can forgive that.