My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

Whilst it’s positive he’s cut contact you only have his word it was his choice and that it’s true.

two separate things, your relationship and the kids relationship. I think you need to understand it would never be the same as before it happened. And whikst it might be what your heart wants, you have changed and might not be able to actually do it.

Forgive me for being so blunt but ditch that MF and don’t even consider going back to such a deceitful piece of shit. Honestly you and your kids deserve so much better. Yeah he’s all you’ve ever known but you’ll get over him and realise that your peace is far more important than this sack of shite. I wish you all the luck in the world. You will get through this, I’ve been there and I have never looked back, not once. Focus on yourself and your kids 🩷

@Thescornedwife I’m so sorry that you and your DDs are going through this.
This man is a complete prick who does not love you, he doesn’t even respect you.
He has shown you who he truly is. If you want more of the same, then take him back. If you want your daughters to learn that this is how men are allowed to treat them when they are in a relationship, then take him back.
It doesn’t matter that you love him. Surely your daughters are more important? You would never want anyone to treat them this way. Start loving yourself! You deserve better than him.

You need to knock this on the head!

Have you so little self worth that the minute the man who cheated on you for two years starts sniffing around, you accept him back into your life and jump into bed with him.

Why on earth would you want him back?

You do know he'll just do the same again, don't you?

But why on earth does matter that he's sorry? Of course he's sorry - he's royally screwed up his life, and for a woman he's now not even going to stay with (supposedly). That's not like being sorry because you made a mistake. This wasn't a mistake. Of course he's being affectionate - he wants you to forgive him and take him back. You would be a fool to do so though. If she hadn't threatened to tell you, he'd still be with her right now behind your back. You're dead right about the message you send to your daughters too.

Realistically, what can couples counselling do? The fact a couple goes to it in that situation is because they're trying to make it work.

All you will hear is what happened in his affair and what was wrong with you that he felt justified in having the affair. Why would you put yourself through that? And to top it all you'd have to pay for it, as he has no money because he lost his job shagging at work!!!

Sure, now he wants counselling. He betrayed you and he betrayed the family. Now, since he has NO job, NO reputation and the OW dumped him (maybe), he has gone back to his fall-back person. You. He has no way to support you, his daughters or himself. He has no one to cook, clean or do his wash. He has no one to give him sex. But, he figures if he looks sad enough, beds you enough, cries enough, looks pitiful at his daughters enough, you and they will fall for his shtick and take him back. You have already let him back into your bed. Have you had a STI test? Has he?

PLEASE respect yourself and show your DDs how to expect to be treated by someone who loves them by kicking him to the curb. It does sound like you are already to take him back, and that is just so sad. You can tell your DDs how to have standards and expectations of being treated decently, but if you show them the opposite by taking your NOT DH back, which lesson will they follow.

He is NOT a good person, a good father or a good husband. He isn't even "passable" as any of those.

Listen to the women who have lived through this and learn from them.

A leopard does not change his spots.

He’s only wanting to come back because things didn’t work out with OW. If she crooks her finger, he will go scuttling back.

He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t even like you. If you demean yourself and take him back, he will despise you.

Is that how you want to live?

Nope, two years isn't a mistake - it's a commitment.
He didn't care about you or your children for those two years, of course it'd make his life so much easier to crawl back to you, but you've become a support actress in your own life.
You deserve centre stage - put yourself there & don't settle for second best.
You can do this....

Read through what you've written from the point of view of a stranger gauging what this man thinks of you. He thinks you're a doormat. You may love him, but he does not love you. This is awful and I'm sorry for you.

Wow, no. What exactly do you love about him? I'm struggling to see anything lovable.

Because he made me believe that we were separated because he needed to find himself and that the spark and love was gone from our marriage, I thought that he saw what he was missing and fell back in love with me again

Stop thinking about what he wants. Do YOU want to be with a lying, cheating, manipulative shit of a man who lost his job because, oh yes, he couldn't stop sinking his dick into his piece on the side.

My husband left in the September and threw himself into his fabulous new life with his 17 year old girlfriend ( I didn't know about her during this period or that they'd been having an affair). By Christmas he wanted to come back to our house. Our children were 3 and 2. I took him back. We went to counselling, went on dates he gradually moved back in. Then he went to a conference in March. Could have been a real thing could have been a lie. I've no idea. Anyway he came back and said that it wasn't working and he'd hoped that by saying he loved me it would become true again, but it hadn't. Well fucking fabulous. So he left again and went back to the flat he'd kept on. She moved in with him a week later. I was a handy stop gap with a nice warm house.

This was before i found out about the affair

I'm so sorry for what this man has done to you, OP.
But if you take him back then you will just prove you are the doormat he clearly thinks you are.
Of course he's being 'affectionate' etc because he saw the writing on the wall a while back, and now he's lost everything, he needs a safety net.
Tell him you're not interested and watch him turn very nasty, very quickly.
Oh, and no, he's not a good Dad if he has done this to his children - why do women always say that? If a woman walked out on her kids for another man, how likely is it that everyone would say, 'Ah but she's such a good mum'?

He needs to get a little flat for himself and start to cook for himself, do his washing, cooking, cleaning and be independent. There is NO WAY you should allow him back to live with you now. Focus on looking after your children and yourself. You've been through this huge trauma (caused by him) and now that he's realised it was easier living with (and being looked after) by you, he's thinking you'll just do that for him again. Definitely not.

Sigh.

He is CURRENTLY in need of a warm bed and a warm c..t.

Why are you doing this to yourself, @Thescornedwife

Wtf?

This is NOT a reflection of the OP. She clearly knows what love is and thought she had. Its her DH that clearly doesn't know what it means, not her.

The fact that she is in turmoil and unable to think straight shows the realness of her feelings. The fact that you think you can suddenly just switch off love and feelings suggests that actually, you dont know what it is

EXACTLY THIS! You are worth SO much more than this despicable excuse for a husband. Dump him now!

My God, just no. No!

Find your rage, he's treated you like shit, trampled on your self worth, blown your life apart and he has the audacity to think he could come back?

Find. Your. Rage.

Absolutely not. Wrong message to your DC on so many levels. What an asshole he is. Tell him it’s ok to work out how to co-parent in a positive way moving forward (if he manages to repair the relationship with the DC!) but getting back together is off the cards.

Or so he says 🧐

PLUS she probably dumped him after realising the reality of him wasn't as exciting as having an affair. So he's back to you. You deserve so much more.

No way should you consider this. He’s crawling back around because his fancy woman has dumped him and he’s lost his job. F*cking pathetic excuse for a human being has been playing you for 2 years without any shred of remorse, yet all of a sudden he’s found the light???? Yeah, right!

You are simply a convenient back up plan for him. Have some self respect fgs!