My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

He has deceived you and your children for two bloody years! You can never ever trust this man again. He doesn’t deserve another minute of your life. Sounds like you’re planning to take him back though. Please get some self respect and show your daughters this is not how they should be treated.

Because they’re fucking copying you and your handmaiden-ing. I have gone from being sympathetic to being cross. We have two more girls about to turn in to women who have learnt that men are allowed to treat women like shit, and they should tolerate it. It’s bad parenting.

Yeah and you would have to listen to him justify why he had an affair which is no doubt his wife's fault and how "we both need to work on things to improve".

Take control. Don’t take him back into your home. You can have a relationship with him on your terms but not allow him back into the family home. Tell him you’ll see him, he can earn your trust. If he doesn’t you’ll know a future relationship isn’t going to work.

Get counselling. Keep your boundaries but don’t give away your independence. In a few months you’ll probably find you don’t want him in any sense of the word.

God no. You say you love him but honestly, you need to love yourself more. This man is banking on you taking him back. Don't be a mug OP, he'll do it again.

I had similar - not as long an affair, but she broke it off - then he confessed all and after a short period said he wanted to come back. I had him back and he waited another few years and decided he'd go anyway - at a time which suited him better and me worse. The reasons he had had an affair were still there. He also made the last few years really miserable (won't go into detail because I don't want to derail your thread). It is one of the regrets of my life (and I am in my 70s) that I didn't insist he left after the affair, I felt I wasted years and he made those years miserable.

He found someone else and remarried within weeks of our decree absolute.

Honestly the fact that you are even considering taking him back is ridiculous.

Of course all counselling is different, but when I had counselling I felt like I could hear what ex-Fi was saying in a more detached way, and hear it from the counsellor'so POV. And it was obvious to me that they thought it was not salvageable! There was never any pressure from them.

But counselling isn't right for everyone, especially if one can't believe what the guy is saying, or with a manipulative or abusive guy.

I’d laugh in his face as I was slamming the front door x

He wants to come back because he’s out of options. He’s a very good actor because he spent 2 years (2 years!!!) having an affair without you knowing.

He’s a lying, dishonest, dishonourable, disgusting person who has betrayed you and your daughters (and, not that it matters, but also the other woman. She left her husband because of the promises yours made and didn’t keep)

He’ll now be panicking - no job, no secure home and the prospect of losing at least 50% of any equity, savings and pension in a divorce.

Is this really who you want to spend your years with as you get older? Do you want to care for someone like this as they get older, infirm and possibly ill? Do you want to have an intimate relationship with him ever again? Share a bed, share your deepest thoughts and feelings?

He has shown you who he really is. Take him back and there is nothing to stop him doing the same again and again and again. It’ll destroy any self-esteem and confidence you’ve got.

It DOES get better - being alone is better than being lied to and second guessing and doubting etc. You’ll have options. A chance to start again with someone who does respect and cherish you.

Remember - he’d still be with the other woman if she hadn’t got fed up with him. Don’t spend your life being second best, please.

He was sleeping with you both at the same time, risking your health.

This man uses whichever woman is stupid enough to let him

You would be incredibly stupid to take him back. You are now going into this with all the information and eyes wide open.

You need and STI check pronto and some counselling to work out why you think this man is all you deserve. The bar is on the floor.

Have a read of Chump Lady.
Easy to read and very succinct.
https://www.chumplady.com/the-basics-of-cheating/

From my experience I advise not letting him move back in. The reasons he wants to may seem he's 'seen the light' but it's obvious to most of us on here (and many if us have been through it) that's it's because the glow of the affair has faded and it went to s**t.

Get counselling just for you first.
Infidelity PTSD is a real thing and it's hard to think straight as our gut instinct is telling us differently.

I hadn't read this OP. Don't take him back. He's a sleaze and trying to worm his way back in because it's all gone Pete Tong. It's so obvious. Don't be the fallback girl.

Oh jeez x

Why would you take a lying, cheat back when he's lost his job etc!
Come on, love him? Really, how could you?
You'll get over him - we all do. Leave him there and move on

It doesn’t really matter @Sunshineonthewater- mean, not mean, (people are just trying different ways to get through to her) the op isn’t listening. She’s just waiting for one response that says ‘oh yes, my husband cheated on me for 2 years, but it was all a mistake and be loves me so so much, and now we’re back together forever and ever.’ It does make me cross for society as it happens, the cycle continues all the time we’ve got children going up thinking this is acceptable.

"He wants couple counselling"

No, he needs INDIVIDUAL counselling. Because the problem here is NOT the marriage, it is HIM. It's that he thought he deserved to cheat and lie and didn't care about betraying you or grievously upsetting the kids. It's that he is such an empty selfish man that he needed the validation of another woman's attention and had absolutely no care for his devoted wife.

And by the way, he is STILL lying to you and himself - you yourself don't think he would be sniffing around your door if the OW hadn't ditched him.

OP, one does NOT go to couples counseling with an unrepentent* cheater.

Even if you were the worst wife - which I am certain is absolutely not the case - that would NOT give him the moral right to cheat. If he was unhappy, he could have talked to you, gotten couples counseling, separated etc.

*He's not repentent. he just wants his feet under a woman's table again, so she can look after him again and he has ready access to sex. In his head, it might as well be you. Otherwise he has to put effort into getting another woman, what a drag.

And if OW comes back, he'll leave you again like a shot.

Don't do this to yourself. And under no circumstances should you go to couples counseling with him. Because he is hoping the counsellor WILL strong arm you into feeling sorry for him and guilting you to take him back. And many counsellors WILL absolutely do this.

"Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!"

You clearly don't believe this and why should you? He just wants to use you as an easy option. He should be setting up independently and doing everything he can to support you and your daughters - he'd have to show you that he can be trusted (doubtful).
As for counselling, he's probably hoping that's just something he can manipulate to get want he wants.

Sorry Op, but why were you letting him into the house and allowing him to be more affectionate. He has no regard for anyone but himself.

OP this is a difficult read and so sorry for you. It’s so very similar to what happened to me (16 years ago now)and I really believe there’s no going back. You need to flush this turd. Hard. I never considered for a nanosecond letting this shit back into our lives (kids adults at that point but 2 still at home). He was living a double life but lacked any kind of remorse and carried on the charade for years. He won’t change or “come to his senses” and facing the colossal challenge of disentangling your lives may seem impossible when you’re paralysed with grief and shock. But you need to face this reality and sooner rather than later. It’s harrowing but it’s got to be done- and can be done. You owe it to yourself.

@@Thescornedwife this is spot on.
This article is worth a read too.

https://www.chumplady.com/reconciliation-and-entitlement/

If he had an affair for 2 years but lost interest in her after 6 months after breaking up with you that means that he wasn't having an affair becuase he wanted HER, or loved HER, or couldn't resist HER. What he liked was lying to you, running around behind your back, disrespecting you. That was the thrill, that's what was getting his motor running. You can't trust him. He's just bored of her now it's not exciting. He'll do it again. He probably got a thrill out of telling you all about it.

Their relationship is no longer fun to him, it's not working out, don’t be a walk over, also being caught a cheat once isn’t a deterrent, it’d only be until the next one, highly likely You can’t rely on and trust him. Think what’s best long term for you.

He and I have good careers, or at least he did, and we have built a beautiful home together! He has no car or phone or any work perks anymore! I guess I have to face he wants his comforts and not me

Probably no point anyone bothering to respond anymore. Everyone has made it clear that he is vile and you are hoping someone will tell you to take him back so you can ignore the dozens of people saying that would be stupid. Just don't come back on here in a year asking for sympathy OP.