My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

It may take you a while to fully find your anger which is what you should be feeling. Right now, at times you may be yearning for what used to be. Enforce the separation - no more coming and going and being in your space. If he meets up with the girls, there are restaurants and the movies and other options. Let him make an effort with them rather than flop on your sofa. Tell him you need your 6 months to find yourself lol. Meanwhile make your future plans assuming he won't be in them. Try that on for size. Ignore emotional blackmail from him. If suicide is threatened (and this is common) call his family or the police to do a welfare check. It's telling that he wants to come back when he's lost his job and the other woman and it seems he is piling on the pressure. You might decide (against the advice of pretty much everyone here) to take him back. I think if you have the space to decide, you won't. No mediation. Find your own way forward - maybe counselling just for you if you need it. It's likely that you will come to see him as the one person you can never trust again.

It depends what you go to therapy for.
If you go stating that your marriage is over and you need help working through that & finding a happier future then that's what the therapy will focus on.

I had a short burst of counselling through my work in the early months after my marriage broke down (due to historic infidelity amongst other things) and it was helpful. There was no reconciliation agenda because that wasn't what I was seeking support for.

You would be in control of your therapy and what you wanted to get from it. Don't be scared off it by things you have seen online.

https://www.chumplady.com

She was wanting leave work because she wanted NC with my husband, so she said she would have to tell everyone why she was leaving thus backing him into a corner

That sounds a bit like a lie too.

And then also stating he should leave or be let go too because why should it only be her! And basically said if he doesn’t leave she will use the constructive dismissal thing to make sure he did leave. I believe she was punishing him

You don't need therapy, you just need to admit that all he is looking for is a roof over his head.The love you once had together is gone,he showed that in his actions.Be strong.Say no to anything and everything he wants please.

So sorry he has done this to you OP. You've had some good advice here, and I hope you take it onboard.

Nobody has a crystal ball, but if you were to take him back, I think the overwhelming likelihood is that the marriage would eventually end another few years down the line - whether because he cheats again, or because this level of betrayal is virtually impossible to move on from.

So - taking him back for the security of the marriage you used to know is only really pushing the problem and heartache down the road and dragging out what must be a very difficult emotional time for you and your children. You're already hurting, the kids are already hurting - really seems best to keep pushing through and get yourself out the other side.

Focus on where you want to be two years from now - out the other side of this, or just beginning the process of divorce, after a painful and failed attempt to try again? You didn't ask for any of this pain, but here it is anyway - all you can really do now is pull the plaster off as quickly as possible.

From some of your comments, it sounds like your family are well off - can they help you to keep up payments on the house?

@Thescornedwife find your anger… just imagine what your future would look like if you took couples counselling and decided upon a reconciliation… your family would probably disown you… your daughters would think women being treated like this is acceptable and your husband would be thinking phew i got away with that one… also all the things you now know, you would NOT be able to forget…and sex would be shit with you imagining all sorts… you will never be truly happy… hold your head up high and be the strong woman you sound like you used to be before this dickhead trashed your life 🍀❤️😘

My family are well off and would help, it’s hard to think of having to take help but I do have that option. If only so the kids can have their home still and safety net of their home. I have no idea as yet even where to begin financially with everything

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

Yes of course he wants to come home and is sorry, it meant nothing etc etc. The lying, cheating, manipulating scumbag would say that wouldn't he? He's saying what he thinks you want to hear and what he thinks will get him what he wants:

1.The family home and all the creature comforts funded by you and your good job which is far more appealing than living with his parents.

2.Someone to sleep with until he finds someone better or OW decides she wants him back.

3.It'll be easier to worm his way back into your daughters' affections if their Mum has seemingly forgiven him.

Don't take the bastard back. You are worth better than this. This wasn't a one night fling. This was a full blown affair for TWO YEARS. He has treated you like shit and shown you total disrespect. Not only that, he has lost his job and in doing so, thrown the whole family under the bus. What an irresponsible twat he is.

Show your daughters that strong women do not allow themselves to be treated like shit or allow men to walk all over them. Show them their father's behaviour is totally unacceptable and will not be tolerated in any relationship.

Find your anger and stop letting him come and go as he pleases. Take his keys off him. Stop answering his phone calls and texts. If your daughters want to see him they are old enough to make their own arrangements with him and it needs to be outside the family home or as PP said when you are out doing your own thing. There is no need for you to see him or speak to him at all.

Don't even think of taking the faithless arsehole back. You deserve far better than him. Instead, as the wise women of MN always say, get your ducks in a row and see a shit hot divorce solicitor.

You can do this @Thescornedwife. Do it for you and your daughters.

I can only go by what he’s telling me and his reasons for having to come clean

OP, its been 4 days from having one of the biggest shocks and betrayals of your life. After 4 days of finding out about my exH's affiar I was completely frozen, brain in a fog with thoughts going all over the place. There was no way I could make any sort of rational decisions about very much at all in those early weeks.

Give yourself some time to grieve. You've lost more than just a long marriage. Affairs make you lose trust, not just in him but in yourself, in your own judgement ("why did I not see it, why did I beleive him" etc). You lose confidence in your identity as a woman, a wife & partner, as someone of worth who doesn't deserve to be cheated on. You forget he is the one to blame, his choice and it's nothing about what you did/didn't. It makes you crazy, going over all the details of not just the period of the affair but years before as well. You can drive yourself mad. It takes time to work through all that. 4 days is absolutely nothing - be kind to yourself and give yourself time and space.

If you can, try to control how and often he is coming over. Seeing him or having him beg to come back will not help you. Appeal to his guilt and ask for notice of his visits and agreed times, so you can go out or at least be in your room while he sees the kids. He may not agree and unfortunately as co-owner of the house you can't stop him coming and going but it is worth a try. Insist on email contact only, no calls or texts unless emergemcies, and about the kids or factual thinks (like finances) only. I found that keeping communication a bit removed helped me cope more. Learn the 'broken record' technique and keep any messages short and focused. Repeat as neesary. (Any talk of suicide and tell him to contact a helpline, or you will call the police if he's in danger of self harm - it's all dramatics and will stop if you don't react).

Therapy on your own may help you work through next steps and give you clarity about what you need and courage when you doubt yourself. It doesn't have to be about reconciliation or forgiveness at all.

By the way exH & I did couples counselling at my suggestion as I knew things were not going well in our marriage. At the time I had no idea there was a emotional affair going on that eventually led to physical affair and his decision to leave. I realised afterwards he had been using couselling to get me off his back whilst he saw how the affair was progressing, and then to get me prepared for him to leave so it would be easier on him. I think counsellor suspected as much too...

Having said that, seeing a good lawyer and getting on with sorting out separation, financials and divorce is good therapy too. Once you and the kids are in your own home and emotionally calmer, this willl feel like a very bad dream and you are waking up from it. Remember - 4 days is nothing. Cliche as it is, of all the things that makes this easier, it's Time. (Though getting angry helps too!)

OP, only you can decide if you want him back, and it has to be because he is truly sorry and wants to work on himself and discover why he cheated and eliminate that from his life. I'd never judge someone taking back a partner as it's the harder road BUT two years is a long time and a lot of lying, and equally I wouldn't blame you at all for calling it quits.

At the moment I'd question whether he really wants to come home, or if he just wants a cosy harbour as his other relationship has become untenable owing to the OW's demands. So, while you think about all this (take all the time you want) you need to seize the moment and call the shots. Tell him he's not getting an easy trip back home as he has broken your trust and your family, and YOU need time apart to think about what YOU want. It's time for you to be selfish (rather than him) - don't rush into anything on his account. Have therapy if needed, and generally just do things on your terms. Eliminate all contact with him while you think or not - whatever is best for you. Get all the financial info together and take it to a lawyer for the divorce, or equally if you do decide the marriage isn't over then you must decide non-negotiable terms (therapy for him, job change, whatever) for his return - and that can be full or phased, as YOU see fit, and be ready to change your mind whenever you want. Basically, put yourself first now, and never blame yourself for any of it. This was his failing, and his alone. He needs to see the consequences and do the work.

He doesn’t want you back. He wants a free roof over his head and probably get free sex.
IF you are considering getting back with him as a couple, do it while not living together. If you don’t see the point of that, or he doesn’t want that, then you know this is not about a possible relationship. He needs to proof he wants a relationship with YOU and he does not need to move back in to proof that.

It's most likely been said already but you need to find your rage OP. I'm sure you are in complete shock right now but really he's not fit to lick your boots is he? How dare he behave as he has. Some two bit cheat and liar. Change the locks, block his number, parenting app for child related matters. Stay strong.

Stop letting him control your life he only wants you back because it didn’t work out with OW no other reason he doesn’t love you. Now ask yourself why you want him back so he can hang around waiting on his next OW he has no respect for you so have some for yourself you will loose everyones respect ic you take him back. You say your strong woman show that side to your family (don’t do this to your daughters) your husband has already shown them s bad example and that they were unworthy he wanted the oW more than them so be the mum they need. Exactly what do you love about a man who can do yhis to your and your children snd wider family such disrespect and contempt for everyone you love and cherish. He treated you like this because he could and your still letting that happen. You need to go no contact with him he has become like a drug to you, stop giving him the power over you and your life. Take your door key back its a small step but send him a message instead of being such s door mat

He is not and maybe never was the man you thought he was, the illusion you still feel for and yearn after.

He is and always will be their father.

Separate the two out.

Them having a separate relationship with him may work, especially if they want that.

But he may try to use them to get at you as part of a wheedling campaign.

Bin the rose tinted glasses, be alert to manipulative behaviour - read as much as you can about abusers and narcissists, and the book The Script may be eye opening for you. A lot of this behaviour is a very well documented and studied cliché.

Including suicide threats - the word THREAT is key here. It's threatening, controlling behaviour designed to frighten, unsettle, undermine your confidence and resolve.

The healthiest way forward might be:

He gets a job and pays the maintenance he is due to pay.

Sell the house, split the proceeds and you buy a smaller property for yourself and the children. He buys a one bed place fairly nearby to facilitate their relationship with him, separate from you. Property and finance separated.

You both get on with your lives, you're financially secure because you are not tangled up with him and his insecure shenanigans, both move on, connected only by the children. You recover, and maybe (but it's not compulsory) find love and fidelity and crucially the happiness you've had stolen from you elsewhere.

As you have asked the question I will give you my experience although it was many years ago .
I discovered that my (ex ) husband had been having a 2 year relationship with someone 12 years younger. It's an understatement to say I was devastated. We had been childhood sweethearts and were married with 2 young children by the age of 22.
My children were 4 and 5 when I found out. He had lost his job (sacked) and did everything right to put things back into our relationship.
I was a dog with a bone and wanted to know every single detail.
I got all the details from his girlfriend who was equally devastated. It killed me to hear the details of the times spent with her and the gifts he'd bought her as was she when she discovered that he'd taken us for marriage counselling during their relationship.He lived 2 separate lives and got away with it for 2 years.
She backed away and we stayed together.
We spent many years together bringing our children up and maintained a great friendship. Our children never knew as they were so young.
Intimacy was never the same as I couldn't get rid of the image of them together.
It caused many arguments.
Ultimately I knew it would never be the same. Many years later I pulled the plug but we both struggled with the loss of something that was once wonderful.
You have grown up children......please don't waste any more of your years. Be brave and pull the plug. It hurts but you will mend XX

I feel really sorry for you, as I think deep down your decision is made, you’re going to take him back and beg your family to give him his job back in time, and pretend you beleive he didn’t love her.

whwn you know he did. And he chucked you and his family for her, he was that in love. And as she’s ended it, yes her, she doesn’t want him, no matter what he says, and now he’s nothing, he’s lying to come back and you’re lying to yourself so you can. He hasn’t done a number on you. You know. You just want to ultimately take him back and pretend it was as he said. Pity sex.

@Thescornedwife has he given you a reason why he told the OW he was playing you after he told you about the affair? If she was done with him why was he trying to keep her onside and telling her that his regret was for show?

I wouldn't be at all sure that the relationship/contact with OW is over btw. They are both experienced liars.
His feelings for her will not have disappeared. OP how do you fancy being in a relationship with a man who is in love with another woman?
This is deliberately harsh, but from experience, this is how being with him now would feel. You'd never know for sure about his feelings for this other person. It will eat you up.
At a very basic level he can not offer you the relationship that you need - one based on reasonable levels of trust and positive communication. Remind yourself of this rationale, it was when I realised this that I realised the relationship had to end and it gave me a lot of clarity.

OP wrt therapy / counselling, I definitely would not do couples counselling with him.

It isn’t the relationship that went wrong (as can happen when both parties want to retrieve and reset their communication) , it’s him and what he has done to depth charge your marriage!

I would only do counselling uk hell you get through the immediate shock and hurt and to support yourself with a future decision making process.

But you may or may not feel you want to do that, or that it would help.

Yes, some very good advice from people.
Only keep communication to a bare minimum to make arrangements for him to see the children, outside of the family home, ideally.Shut down any thing else he says,it's all lies.He lied for 2 years already.
Do not make the mistake of idealising your past relationship. Many relationships change and disintegrate.
You do need to be strong now.

Yes, very common,

it is in the cheater's guidebook called "How to look like a victim when you are actually the cause"

My ex did the same until I said "crack on then" as he was walking to the train station to throw himself in front of a train ... sadly 15 years on he is still around