My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

God no. Imagine every single little lie, every single day he betrayed you, lied to you, disrespected you and took you for granted. He’s seen the grass isn’t greener, but you should. It will never be the same again. I think it if allowed my husband to come back after that, I’d feel of wasted the rest of my life. By even imagining he can just go back to ‘normal’ shows how little he cares about you.

Wait. Your lying, cheating, abusive father is off the hook and your mother, who was likely trying to do what she thought best for you, is deemed the selfish, weak party and is held 100% accountable for your issues?

Are you sure you’ve got this figured out? Doesn’t sound like it to me.

Don’t even need to read it. No. He doesn’t respect you if he’s done that. Save your dignity and leave. Also, I’m sorry. What a piece of shit

This is a very long thread now and I might have missed it but what is happening regarding his contributions to his daughters now he's not working? He's really useless, isn't he?

Like father, like son, eh?

And his mother took his father back?

So that was his training, ingrained into his DNA - men fuck around, women let them (more than once, it seems) and meekly take them back.

So now he thinks that's that you'll do.

And if you do, that's what your daughters will learn. They're old enough to understand what he did and what it means but young enough to want daddy back. Very difficult.

Three generations of women fucked up by men.

But only three days??? You're in shock. DON'T make any decisions yet.

Re the key - it's his home too and he does have the right to be there. It's difficult. You can't just change the locks.

Two calls to make on Monday - a solicitor for legal advice, and a therapist. Not for couples counselling - for YOU.

It will hurt like mad but be strong for your children and stay strong to build a new and happier life.
You WILL be happy again and all this pain will just be a distant memory.
Get GOOD legal advice and get counselling for yourself (not with him) and DON’T TELL HIM ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE PLANNING TO DO.
Remember you owe him less than nothing!

Oh dear. He didn't feel sorry for her, OP, he feels sorry for you, or at least, sorry for losing his grip on family life.

You mentioned the video where he "finished." That't not really the behaviour of a man who feels sorry for a woman.

I'm really not trying to rub your nose in this and am so sorry you're going through this horrible trauma. But the trouble is, when things are vile we just want them to get back to normal as soon as possible so that we can cope.

That's only natural, and a self-preservation mechanism. Ultimately your self-preservation depends on getting rid of this arsehole. But don't rush it if you don't feel like it. Take your time.

It sounds as though you've already let him back into your life to some extent. Don't feel morally obliged to stick with this "decision." If you "mess him around" by changing your mind, even if you do that every 5 minutes, you're not even approaching the level of sheer headfuckery he has inflicted on you without a second thought.

💐

Just to clarify in case I’ve followed the sequence of events incorrectly: your ‘D’H left you a while ago and you started to get used to a new life with your kids and without him… now 3 days ago you found out he had a long affair and now after that revelation you’re considering taking him back?

He's vey, very sorry because he got caught, other woman dumped him and he lost a very good job.
And you think you may take him back - because he's a good actor with the crying and begging? You must surely despise him - what a jerk.
He should not just drop in at your home when he feels like it.
Couples' counselling? No he needs individual's counselling!

So he’s blaming his actions - actions that blew up your and your kids’ world - on being a pathological liar but hasn’t actually done anything about that. Instead he’s spending his time lying to you to try and get you to take him back?

he hasn’t told you what he loves about you. Hasn’t shown you any love. Hasn’t made any amends. Hasn’t made any sacrifices. His entire focus is on getting what he wants?

The only person this scumbag feels sorry for is himself

This is all because she has rejected him.

He would still be the cat that got the cream otherwise, please stay strong, you really dont deserve this OP.

so he is crying and begging for you to take him back but he has told you he "felt sorry for the OW" hence that is why he slept with her???????? Pardon???? Um I feel sorry for a lot of people but don't feel the need to sleep with everyone as a result. Pathological lier he is. Not worth the trouble of getting back together. In a year you will be going thru all this again. Nope. No way. He left and chose someone else over you and your kids. Let him sit with that. I'd be contacting a lawyer for divorce proceedings if it was me.....

Please find and read chumplady.com - Tracy Schorn. You are a chump. He is a FW. Thousands of people have gone through what you are going through and his moves are predictable.
Check out Tracy’s blog and let your rage blossom. There’s a script that thousands of FWs use on their chumps so they can have cake. You are being coldly manipulated by him while you are at your most vulnerable.
Is his behaviour acceptable to you? Two years of lying? He’s a FW. He’s not worth it. Of course he wants to come back- you are a usable wife appliance. You on the other hand are a decent loving person. He’s not coming back because he loves you is he. He’s using you.

It's dificult becauseOP has built a whole life with this "man" and so is relieved that he now "wants her back." It's not the triumph it seems, obviously, but sifting through the weight of emotions does not happen overnight.

Well he only said he was taking time to see what he wanted as he didn’t think he loved me anymore, that’s all he told me, he’s been distracted and off with me for most of it until recently where he was making moves to come back and now I know why

Don't go to couples counselling.

Shut him out of your life as much as you can and have therapy on your own.

You deserve better than this op this man is a low life scum.

be a role model for your children - seek therapy as to why you would even consider taking him back after he proved himself to be a liar and a cheat.

I can promise you - if you do this, in a year you will be FLYING high in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT LIFE. I'm shouting that!

I've seen friends go through similar situations - and the ones who absolutely walk away, step into a new life, they may howl with tears and pain but they move forward. They realise they don't need these pathetic men and they recover completely self dignity and confidence.

It meant nothing? It meant enough for him to leave his wife and children. And what's with all the crying? He's not the wronged party. it's pure manipulation.

I do think that OP's husband deserves every drop of the vitriol on this thread. He has totally humiliated OP by being sacked for having sex with the OW at work when OP's uncle owns the company.

He is only trying to worm his way back in because the OW doesn't want him any more and he is living with his parents.

It’s hard I would never want to forgive a man that did that but I can tell you want to and splitting up your family is so hard. Would you want your daughters to forgive someone who treated them like that? I don’t know if you would ever get things back as they were. If you decide to forgive him you have to make it clear that if he does anything like that again or even sniffs around another woman it’s over for good and you have to mean that and make sure you leave him for good if he does or he will keep making a fool of you. People will pity you and that’s the main reason why I don’t forgive cheats. But relationships have worked out following infidelity and if you do give it another go I really hope it works out for you all. Think you should punish him for a while longer though and insist he stays with his parents and finds another job. Good luck OP.

You've had 3 days to catch up with his 2 years of lies OP.

That's simply not possible. You need space, plenty of space. x

You absolutely can't take him back. Please don't do this to yourself or DC. He made his bed, time to settle into it

Set the bar higher.
He’s a prick. He doesn’t love you, he just wanted to have his cake and eat it. He wanted the excitement… now that’s gone as you know and the OW wants him, the fun has gone so you’re the easier option.
You do not need him in your life.
You'll resent him every time he pisses you off.
Two years is a long time, it wasn’t a drunken snog!
You need to show your kids this isn’t ok and you will be better off alone.

“Thescornedwife · Today 18:47
He has basically cried and begged forgiveness and said we can go to marriage counselling to help us through, he has apologised to us all, crying and pleading, said that is meant nothing”

So this “it meant nothing” is ridiculous and insulting on so many levels. It’s a complete lie. If it “meant nothing”, why did he do it? Why was he willing to throw you away for something that “meant nothing”? Why are you supposed to be reassured that he left you for someone who “meant nothing”? Doesn’t that surely mean that you were worth even less than nothing? Finally, he doesn’t get to decide that it means nothing. It’s for you to decide what it means to you that your husband had a 2-year affair and left you for another woman. I suspect you won’t decide it means nothing.

This