My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

Oh love, you are in no fit state to be thinking about anything atm, let alone whether you can ever forgive him etc etc.

And he has no right to be asking and pressuring you with his own damn tears.

Tell him to go back to his parents, or a friends, or anywhere, or take yourself off elsewhere .

You need time to think and be and get through this horrendous horrible shock.

Tell him you need space and kick him out.

Oh OP it will get better. You need to find your anger with him. Get that key off of him. He is taking the piss out of you to be honest. He made his bed and he can lie in it.

The only reason to get back with him is to do him even worse. Sorry not sorry

He did it because he wanted to break you, to destroy you, to weaken you, and to confuse you.

Because when you're weak, confused, hurt, broken and devastated, you're vulnerable. And your vulnerability will make it easier for him to weedle his way back in. Your vulnerability will be advantageous to him.

He's creating devastation and chaos and pain, so he can waltz back in and fix it. And you'll accept it, because you're so devastated, lost and vulnerable.

Don't fall for it OP. Lean on your family. Get strong boundaries up now and hold them firm. Don't let him in the house. Only communicate about the basics / essentials. Give yourself space to process this without his influence.

it means he is a manipulative bastard

DO NOT take him back! He’s a piece of shit and the OW is a filthy whore. Whether or not it’s worked out with her is his problem. He can get on with his sad, jobless life on his own.

I wouldn’t even let him in the house - especially if your daughters don’t want him there.

He doesn’t love you at all - he’s a using bastard.

I think you need some time to work through your feelings before any decisions are made.
You will always be wondering if he would have carried on deceiving you OW hadn't given him ultimatum.
Please don't make any rash decisions.
He would really need to prove that he is genuinely sorry.
Please take care of yourself and treat yourself as much as you can.
You deserve it

That would be an easy win for him, just cry for a few hours and that’s totally worth it.

You need a lot more than that. Take your time take your time.

Its so hard because he seems so sorry and hasn’t held back on any details (not sure if this is a good or bad thing) he did start hint about coming back before all this blew up! He was being affectionate again and coming to the house more and more. I’m not sure what that means either

It means that he's twigged the OW's going off him, @WLnamechange, likely even more so now he's lost his job, and that he's trying to line you up as a back up plan

I'm sure that deep down you don't really believe he's "cut all contact in order to regain your trust", and if you waver for a second consider what his having sex with both of you recently says about this - and that's without all his other lies

What possible reason would there be to open yourself to more pain by taking him back?

We'll get the lock changed & don't give him a key!! It's not his HOME. Any more. Make sure it's one where you can't just get a key cut easily (from the girls keys).

I know it's not easy when you've been together since you were kids & he's all you know & you've never been single as an adult.etc but you are stronger than you know. You can do this on your own!!

if you let him back in you'll hate yourself in time. I know it hurts & it's HARD but he isn't the man you thought he was. Keep the good memories of your life together, but move forward!

you cannot go back to before this happened, he has betrayed you badly, you know KNOW you are NOT valued by him or loved by him, you KNOW he's playing you because he wants back into the house,

he hurt you, you don't have to hurt yourself!!

Im so sorry that must have been so very hurtful for you.
I can understand you still love him but the truth is he doesn't love you and has breached your trust and caused you pain .
At the end of the day it is up to you ,but if you love someone who doesnt' love you thats a recipe for more pain.

Change the locks and tell him he needs to text before he comes over. Take it slowly. I would stop having sex with him and allowing him any emotional intimacy by letting him share all details and talking openly about it all.

If my sister or close female friend had such an arrangement and she hated on her husband and then he comes snivelling back and she forgives him and lets him back in, I would probably be done with that relationship too. It’s hard to see someone self-destruct like that. Think about relationships you may also lose in the process of accepting him back. You may ‘win’ him but lose the one with your daughters, with family and friends. The only time this whole scenario works is if you kick this man out now and stay strong in never letting him back again. Good luck 💐

So he's saying that he left you and his family for someone who meant nothing to him ..... and you've only known about their two year affair for three days,

He's despicable, you need a very long time to think about any of this. It's no surprise that he's trying to rush you.

Oh wow what a gent shagging her repeatedly behind your back because he pitied her. Oh wow such a fucking hero! No he’s Not he is just another selfish twat of a husband who got caught and regrets it all no fucking way does he regret it he’s only sorry you had to find out. Seriously he went to find himself but he found her time and time again please don’t take him back. He wasn’t sorry to keep going to work to bang her why would you even consider taking him back he doesn’t want you he showed you that the minute he left. he wants you now because ow doesn’t want him simple as that. Your 2nd best you can’t fix this or him he cheated under your uncle’s nose he didn’t even care about that. Do you really think every time he stuck his dick in her he thought oh no I’m so bad I should not be doing this no I might lose my wife, my kids, my job, my home no he never gave you a thought or his kids or his job. You will regret taking him back if you do. You do realise you can get over loving him at some point meet someone who loves you and respects you but you will never get over his infidelity.

He's cried... they do, don't fall for it. He's just feeling sorry for HIMSELF & how he's fucked up his comfy life.

he has the standard patter, they know what to say, doesn't make it genuine.

Stop thinking 'he's different to all those other men' 'We are different to all those other couples' I hate to be brutal, but you're not, he's not.

Look OP you say bis fagher had affsirs? He literally doesn’t know how to be a decent husband. He expects you to roll over and take it no matter how many times he humiliates you. You say you have been friends dince you were teens—can you imagine treating a friend this cruelly? If course not. But he can ! He dod. Snd he will. Hr inherited his father’s absolute contempt for women.

At three days after disclosure I had no idea what was up and what was down.
Right now you need space to care for yourself. Obviously some contact is necessary for your daughters but you need to know when in advance and lay out ground rules, no dropping by unannounced.
If you want to keep the door open for reconciliation, and it'll drive you mad wondering if he's carrying on then ask him to share his location, install his WhatsApp on your laptop and anything else that would give you reassurance that he's not playing around while you think. If he's committed to reconciliation then he'll do that. But only if it would give you peace to think rather than send you into obsessive checking.
Honestly I think you'd be better off cutting him loose now and investing in yourself and your daughters, but i know its not always that easy.
Don't feel rushed into a decision. Insist on the space you need to process and take very good care of yourself until you feel stronger and more clear minded. You cannot lose that way - you'll know you're not making a hasty decision out of desire to roll back the clock (you can't) and you give him a chance to prove he's genuine and won't throw his toys out of the pram at your insistence on space to think.

So he’s crying and thinks he needs help? Sounds like he’s ready to jump into the victim role here, and if you don’t agree to taking him back you will be the bad guy. This is the man in front of you.

Tell him, you need some space to process things and if he has any respect for you he will stay away and give you the space. Use this space to see a solicitor and get things moving to separate.

What is he doing for money? What is the financial situation with him having moved out 6 months ago? Has he be paying anything towards bringing up your children?

This is all still very raw to you. You need time to process it. Tell him you want him to leave you alone for a month. He can’t object when you gave him 6 month to find himself.
Insist on no contact, he can contact DC direct to arrange to meet them away from the house.
He can start individual therapy for his own issues & you can start individual therapy for yourself. Grieve for the man you thought he was (he’s gone, not coming back) then be practical & work out how you will cope with a new life without him.

If during that time you decide you’d like to try a new relationship with this new man, (the unfaithful, pathological liar) then you can imagine life with that new man.
I suspect he’ll stomp all over your boundaries & not give you the space you’ve asked for though.

Good luck @Thescornedwife you deserve better.

He has downplayed the affair massively, saying he just felt sorry for her etc

You know he’ll be telling other women this about you, don’t you? It’s deeply misogynistic, like any woman needs his input and he’s such a hero sharing himself around 🙄

Do you want to take back a man who risked your marriage & your children's happiness for a woman "who meant nothing to him"?

Or take back a man who would cheat on you & then who is prepared to belittle the woman he cheated on you with by saying she meant nothing?

He is not your friend or on your side, whatever he says, he is a selfish man who only cares about himself.

Seek counselling for yourself as a matter of urgency. You have been dealt a horrible shock & you need someone in a professional capacity to help you process this & to help you find a way forward.

I didn't do that when it happened to me and it's a big regret of mine. Don't make that mistake:
Get counselling & good legal advice asap!

Agreed.
He manages to travel from his parents to your house. He can take them out to lunch somewhere, get an uber. His parents can give him a lift.
The more he inserts himself back into the house, the easier it is to con the DC into thinking its all going to be back to "normal" again.
You say he has been "worming his way" back into their affections again. That is how he is doing it. So put a stop to it.

You've only recently found out the whole truth and now you need your space to come to terms with all of this and that won't happen if he's allowed to come in at the weekend and put his feet up and sit around the kitchen table being harmlessly charming to you and the kids. After the last six months of him telling OW that he's "playing" you, surely that must feel unacceptable.

Also. This way he gets to do some actual parenting too.

Good grief, they haven't been told about the wanking videos have they ? How on earth could he worm his way back from those ?

To be honest OP, I’m surprised he hasn’t managed to make it all your fault. Of course, you only found out a few days ago. Others here may be able to tell you the rest of elements of ‘The Script’ or you could get it yourself and check.

I was betrayed 18 months ago. Not the same thing, but nit broke trust. Ive spent all this time lying to myself and trying to believe i had forgiven it, but I hadn't. He withdrew more and more because of my inconsistent behaviour (saying he was forgiven but not showing it) and we are now at the point where we've wasted 18 months when I should have just ended it at the point the trust was broken. It's like smashing a plate - you can glue it back together. But it wont look the same and it wont function properly. Germs will get caught in the glue, and dirt, and it will poison you.

I would get your locks changed