My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

Why hasn't he found a job to support himself and his children?

Why has he been living off a cushy job your family gave him until he blew it up with unprofessional and disrespectful sex acts in the workplace with a coworker? Talk about biting the hand that feeds him. He's ungrateful and thinks he's smarter than everyone.

Why did he move into his parents instead of trying to establish some independence? Was he living off the other woman and she got tired of supporting his lazy ass?

Has he been paying you child support?

Your husband frankly sounds like a guy who lives off women, who has never had to adult, and that comes with a user mentality. He leeched off you and your family until he thought he had something he wanted more and it blew up in his face. He's got no job, no car, without you and your family who gave him a decent life, he's a loser who can't even support himself, much less his family. Now he wants the confortable life you provided for him back. But now you know he's unlikely to stay.

You can do so much better. You can model better for your kids.

Your kids deserve for you to break his pattern of cheating without consequences and disrespect.

Men cry. And men lie. It's manipulation. Stay strong. Get angry (you're more than entitled to be) and use that energy to protect yourself and your girls. You can fall apart when wheels are in motion.
Change your locks. Engage the services of a solicitor and get a preliminary custody arrangement. Then if he comes to the house it has to be at a mutually agreed time ... specifically to take the kids out. He doesn't get back in your home. Sorting your finances should also be a priority.
At the moment he's desperate. Please don't become a safety net for a liar and cheat.
If he'd loved you he wouldn't have had a one night stand let alone a 2 year affair (because he felt sorry for someone...seriously?) He's quite the piece of work.

He felt sorry for her so he sent him a video of himself masturbating to orgasm? No, OP. Come on now. I know you want to believe him but he is a proven liar (and a ridiculous one, at that). Stop listening to him.

I believe he was maybe starting to regret his choice. Although he was still seeing and sleeping with OW right up until 2 days before he confessed so he has confused me.

Ditto here. His CHOICE!? He doesn't get a choice between two women at this stage of his life, he was already married to you! That's the choice he made! He chose to marry you and have a family with you. Then he betrayed you all. It doesn't matter if he regrets the affair (of COURSE he regrets it now that it's all blown up in his face, he wasn't regretting it before that though was he!). It matters that he is a cheat and a liar and you can't trust him.

You need to go low or no contact with him. Talk to people in real life. Seek individual counselling. Don't do joint counselling with him. You are not a team any more. You can't rely on him to put your best interests first, or second, or third. He will make the best choices for him. You do the same, for you and your daughters (going by his behaviour so far, he'll not prioritise them either).

Maybe he'll prove us all wrong. Maybe he'll book individual counselling for himself, and tell his mates what he's done, and be fair with dividing finances, and behave decently towards you and start putting your daughter's first. Maybe he'll develop a new personality and it'll last long enough to win you back. But he needs to be on his own to have any chance of doing this. If he really, really regrets his decisions and really, really wants you back then he'll get out of your house and give you space and do all of those things, won't he? Because in the grand scheme of things, they're the bare minimum you'd need to heal and reconsider giving this a go.

But I think you know he won't do those things. Even now, he's not taking full responsibility for the TWO YEAR affair that he's been enjoying. You deserve way, way more than this.

Well he needs to find a way of taking them elsewhere. This is not your problem to solve. It is absolutely not okay for him to come and go as he pleases. You need your home to be your sanctuary, your safe space that he can’t invade. His relationship with his children is his responsibility alone. Don’t be tricked into helping him rebuild their trust, that’s for him to sort out, you need to focus on you.

I'm sorry OP but it really sounds like he wants to come back because it hasn't worked out with the other woman. You are not the fall back option. You deserve more than this kind of treatment. Could you ever trust him again?

I'd want to make it clear to my DDs that I deserve better treatment than this and show them that a woman doesn't have to put up with this sort of thing from a man. Be the role model for their future.

Thinking of your children, please don't fall apart in front of them, I have a family member who was in a similar position and she was completely devastated (understandably) and showed her full distress to her teenage kids, one is still in therapy due to this, both kids felt they had to be the support for their mum. It has really had a very negative effect on them and damaged their relationship. 💕

Please don't take him back. He's a piece of shit. He only wants to come bsck because he's got nothing else.

OP, whatever choice you make you’ll be in for a long, hard road of recovery and repair.

Picture yourself in 5 years. Where do you want to be? Recovered and healed with your integrity and standards intact? Or still limping along, eaten up with pain and suspicion, having wasted yet more years on him?

The fact stands that the success rate of reconciliation after an affair is on the floor, and cheaters are statistically likely to repeat an affair.

You have one life. Don’t do this to yourself. Pick YOU.

OP , I’m sorry you are going through this ..
There’s no going back .. I think
something terrible has happened to you & you’re confused ..
If you were thinking straight you wouldn’t dream of taking him back x

He is a slithering shit snake trying to sly his way back in after behaving like an absolute cunt for a couple of years and expected to be let back in soon then you've discovered this 3 days ago. Honestly realky think what a horrible person he is and get that key back get your anger and cut him out ASAP.
You deserve SO much better and your daughters need a good role model in all of this. Let them see you stand your ground and not allow a man to do this.

Why do you care whether or not he actually loved/loves the other woman? He cheated on you and lied to you. He has lied to his children, depriving them of his time, money and emotional involvement. Then he used you to cheat on his affair partner. He doesn't love anyone other than himself.

Please prioritise yourself and your children. You cannot believe a word this man says. He doesn't respect you or care how much he hurts you. Get some legal advice.

No you shouldnt. Dont be stupid

If you let him move back now in you'll have trouble getting him out when it all goes pear shaped.

''he's a pathological liar and needs help for that....''

I rolled my eyes so far at that lame excuse, I'd needed an Uber to go and get them back.

What this man really needs is somewhere to live and a job. You and your family provided both of those things. Of course he's had a change of heart.

Please don't take him back OP

he has apologised to us all, crying and pleading, said that is meant nothing and that he has issued and that he’s discovered he’s a pathological liar and needs help for that and will get help. He has downplayed the affair massively, saying he just felt sorry for her etc

WHEN SOMEONE IS TELLING YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM
Seriously @Thescornedwife believe him, he is a pathological liar. The end.

he’s discovered he’s a pathological liar and needs help for that and will get help. He has downplayed the affair massively, saying he just felt sorry for her etc

That begs the question just who diagnosed him with that? Himself?

But hey, right out of the horse's mouth.

He really does think you and your family are dumb. Prove him wrong. Show your kids what a strong woman looks like and model that for them.

i cant begin to say how much I appreciate everyone commenting on this, i didn’t expect any answers at all let alone the amount I have. I appreciate the magnitude of all of this and it is very early days in the bad news front, it’s been so hard and I am so broken, everyone seems to feel I should leave and have been taken for a fool. I agree that I have. I just wanted to believe he saw the error of his ways and wants to be with me and learn to love me again but I don’t think that’s possible. I feel as much as DC love their dad they don’t want me to just forgive and forget, unfortunately they know some of the gory details and that can’t be easy for them and for me to even remotely consider any forgiveness.

I’ll try and address some of the things people have asked. He was for the last 6 months since leaving still paying the bills on our house and helping financially with the kids. He has no job or anything now and will need to get another quick smart or else our home may be at risk if I can’t upkeep the bills on my own. I hope I can so that I don’t need to depend on him. I’m not sure how he will be able to pay for his own place and keep up the mortgage on ours and this is a worry because our kids won’t want to leave here and I don’t want to have to be dependant on him for that. We have made financial decisions on the home while he was in the affair which is another betrayal. He won’t ever get his job back where he was because they don’t trust him at all now and he risked the company of which my dad has shares in for his pension so it’s all up in the air. My family hate him and he had lied before about gambling and money and things and the trust for them will never come back.

please understand I’m hurting and seeing him at least look on the outside that he’s regretting his choices has played on my mind. But I think deep down he wasn’t sorry until backed into a corner and then caught.

I assume the excuses of it was just sex and it meant nothing and he doesn’t love and he felt sorry for her and let’s do counselling are all very much textbook answers and excuses. He hasn’t even came up with any original ones. If the OW didn’t get fed up of him not fully making a break for her then I probably wouldn’t have found out and he wouldn’t be wanting back with me. He’s said he still loves me but I couldn’t have an affair and be in love with my husband it doesn’t make sense. I’ve seen him say in black and white that he loves her. And to think he could just drop her like that also makes me think he’s just not a great role model for my DD’s. He is taking a massive fall from grace with the lucrative job in the family business with most of not all of his friends also tied up in that now gone, he doesn’t have anything left, and now he wants back with me in the home.

he took a massive massive risk for this OW, and having to face that is breaking me in ways I can’t explain, it’s beyond broken me. I wish my heart would catch up to my head

Well, it sounds as if he couldnt fully commit ti this woman and she had believed in him and left her husband snd was willing to give up her job and make a life with him; and because he wouldnt she threatened to go public, especially as it seems as if people at work and possibly others had guessed.
But you cant take that to mean he loves you and wants to be with you. He had already left you. It was only when it came to the crunch, which it appears he saw coming, did he decide he would rather have his job than this woman. And as for the children - if they came into the equation at all its only as leverage. Hes been with his parents for 6 months and the children still dont have a relationship with them? Please.
Its so raw and new to you. I agree with the others who have pointed out you need time. Now you are the one who needs it. So he must give it to you as you did for him.
From a personal perspective i hope you never take him back; hes been straightforward bastard. It sounds as if you were very young when you got into the relationship. Give yourself a chance to see what else life could be like.

@Thescornedwife did he love her ? Who knows ! Does he love you ?
These type of men only care about themselves.
Id move on as you will be his stop gap . Sorry op

I wish my heart would catch up to my head

It will do. But you have to go through the stages first. You’ve only just found out, so the pain is going to be almost unbearable. But you will get through it. Eventually you’ll get to rage. Then where you start to realise that there is a life after him and that you will be happy without him. And then he just fades into a distant irritant that you’re civil to for the sake of your DDs.

The only advice I can give. Ignore everyone telling you what to do.
Ignore people telling you not to take him back. Ignore anyone telling you what messages it sends your daughters.
Ignore friends or family telling you what you "must" do.
The only person you need to listen to is yourself.
But you need to be really really honest with yourself! There is comfort and ease in familiarity and it is scary thinking of meeting someone new or being on your own.
If you want to give it another go with him then be honest as to why.
If its not just for the road known. If you really do want to give it a go then buckle up. The road ahead will be filled with doubt, questions, hyper vigilance and paranioa. Plus more than a dash of anger.
Be completely honest with him and with your daughters not just about the reasons but also the fears too and what boundaries you set.

My daughter understood when I took my wife back after her year long affair that its not weakness. She saw how broken I was and she knew that I was possibly setting myself up for a bigger fall. She was involved with the conversations with my wife about that so she knows just how awful cheating is but she also knows how strong and delicate love can be.

If your daughters do not agree with you. That is ok. But include them in all the conversations and hide nothing from them.

Make sure your husband knows the pain he has caused. Take zero blame for anything he has done.

One thing I said to my wife and I've held true to. I will never use the affair in an argument or to get my own way. I will never throw it in her face at any point for any reason.
We will talk about it from time to time. It will not be brushed under the rug but it equally will not be used to define us.

I've asked questions at random times, especially when something triggers me. Like where did you used to meet up so we can avoid it. I found out what coffee shop they went to so I knew when we go out for lunch we dont go there.

If you have a bad day and can't get the images out of your head. Say so. But not in a mean way. If he is truly sorry he will understand and give you space or look for ways to help.

Most of all. Make sure he is repentant.

To start with my wife wasn't. Not really. There felt a lack of sincerity to her words. The moment she realised she does love me and had a "oh crap what have I done" moment. Then she was sincere and open and completely honest about everything.

I placed no demands on her for anything. I did not demand no contact or that she block him or anything at all. I wanted her to make those choices. And she did, one step at a time.
I realised all I could control was myself. So all I said was. I am taking a huge risk, I am opening myself up for complete heartache and pain worse than before by taking this path. The easy road would be to say bye. I choose to take the hard path with no demands. All I ask for is honesty and understanding. If you receive messages please tell me. And if you decide you want to leave then please tell me.

It can work. But only if you listen to yourself and ignore anyone telling you who you should or shouldn't be with.

Good luck.

Please look after yourself and DC OP. Don't let him drag you down emotionally so you're completely drained. Insist he stays with his parents. If worst comes to the worst and he is really desperate - tell him he can live in your garage (if you have one) for a few months only and see DC by arrangement only. YOU do NOT want any contact. He will need to take public transport etc and get a job asap.

You are not a fool OP, nor taken for one.

You were betrayed and lied to.

he had lied before about gambling and money and things

This adds up. As a gambler he thinks he can take risks and come out good. Roll the dice and have an affair. Risk his job? Aaah, it’ll be fine..Roll again and persuade you back…

But the main thing is, right now, that you are hurting beyond hurt, and you need to look after yourself as best you can and get through day by day. This is not a time for making decisions or worrying about him.

I could have written @Saltpathpuzzle 's post. I too was the only daughter in a family that played out exactly as she has written - A father who had numerous affairs, a mother who cared more about the lifestyle than her 3 children. I too learnt that I had to 'play nice, be compliant, never speak out, never rock the boat'.

That family was not worth having. It was a fake family.

Amen to the above. My parents were living a lie for 23 years, and set a terrible example to myself and my two brothers.

I'm 57 and I have two marriages behind me. Both failed because I went into them for the wrong reasons. The first when I was barely 21, was to get away from my parents, the second, when I was 31, because I fell for the sunk cost fallacy. My first divorce was before I was 25, second at 41. My father left my mother for his latest OW when I was on my 1st honeymoon. He's now been married to her for 35 years...the same length of time I've been complete no contact with him. I don't even know if he's still alive. Nor care.

Amen again to this: I’m deeply angry - not with my father, he’s not worth my anger. I’m deeply angry WITH MY MOTHER. Her weak, pathetic, self-serving behaviour (she didn’t want to sacrifice our comfortable life) wrecked my life and sense of self.

My mother didn't tell my father to piss off because she didn't want to have to get a paid job. She's admitted that to me. She was 48 when he left, she'd been a SAHM for nearly 24 years. Her family was/is extremely wealthy, they offered numerous times during my childhood (which was shit, frankly) to financially support us if she left my father. My mother valued her marriage above her children having a happy childhood.

Neither myself or my two brothers have gone on to have children of our own. That's how bad our childhood was.

Your husband isn't coming back because he's suddenly realised he loves you. The only person he loves is himself. You will be setting your daughters a terrible example if you take him back. I can guarantee he will cheat again.

He didn't take the risk FOR the other woman. You mustn't make this into a story where he was willing to risk everything for her at your expense.
He took those risks for himself, because he liked being validated in a way only an affair partner can offer. Affairs give the perfect set up for only showing each other the highlights- and even then what someone shows their affair partner is always carefully curated so as to put them in the best light.
He's a shit, and he was doing it all for his own benefit - not for hers.