My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

They know all of it yeah, they are disgusted and hurt and at first didn’t want me to take him back but I can see he’s worming his way back into their affections ever so slightly

Exactly this

This is NOT your problem - you need to toughen up. I don’t t mean to sound harsh but he’s shattered you and he’ll take advantage of you being shattered to get back into your life/home.

I’m sure he’ll try every trick in his book to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him - please please do not let him emotionally blackmail you.

I don’t normally say LTB but honestly hand on heart you need to realise your old life has gone and it’s up to you and your kids to make a new one. He will just break your heart again.
YOU OWE HIM NOTHING!

This. Not your problem.

Do you really want to be a consolation prize? What a pig he is!

So his father had affairs (plural) and his mother took him back then?

it’s not hard to see where he learnt his relationship skills from then, is it? And to him, affairs are a low risk option because the woman (his mum) always takes the man back.

Don’t be a mug OP. Show your daughters they don’t have to settle for such piss poor excuses of a partner

They both got fired

Your husband is the worst one out of the two, by far. If you can’t see that then there is no hope for you.

How long ago did you actually find out OP?

What has he done to show you that he loves you OP? Or that he knows you anymore? That he has any sort of insight into what he did and why and how to to stop it happening again? Has he apologised to your kids? Has he said (or done) what he intends doing to make himself more appealing to you? Has he asked you what you really want?

You’ve already said you think he would still be with her if she hadn’t threatened to blow things wide open to force his hand (which to me, would indicate he doesn’t love either of you). I would worry his idea of marriage counseling is that he’ll be able to complain about how you don’t look after yourself properly/haven’t given him the attention he wants/whatever it is he liked that she did and you don’t etc. (i.e. he gets to lay his cheating at your feet). Has he said what he wants from it?

I know you say you still love him, but I think you’ll be really doing yourself a disservice to take him back. Get counseling, but for yourself, not as a couple. Get yourself straightened out and feeling like you can live your life however you choose and then see if you do actually love him still.

They are 14 and 17, yes he has a key and comes and goes when he pleases

My god, he is an arsehole! Please want better for yourself. And your daughters.

Two years is a whole separate relationship, OP.

It's my 50th wedding anniversary today and I was in your situation 35 years ago. I let him home for our two kids' sake. Now they're in their 40s and it's just the two of us. I still resent him and wish I'd let things be but I actually thought he'd make more effort to make up for what he'd done. We were apart for two months and I was just beginning to cope on my own with two kids. It was incredibly hard for a couple of years but I learned to keep my mouth shut as once you've made the decision to reconcile you can't keep raking it up and putting the kids through more. If you can make it on your own go for it and don't look back! I thought I was weak to give in but it's really taken all my strength to keep it together so spare yourself a lifetime of wondering what if

WHY? This is ridiculous.

This Op, he's seen a man can get away with an affair because his DM forgave his DF every time. This is exactly why you can't do this to your daughters because you will be teaching them the same horrible lesson

I'd tell him it's over, you're done, and ask for the key back.

You need to get an STI check.

You need to recognise you deserve better than a man who had an affair and cheated on you for TWO YEARS; who lied to you for TWO YEARS; who jeopardised his entire family's livelihood by sleeping with another woman at his job for two years; who helped break up 2 families through his actions; who is now only crawling back because he realised the grass isn't necessarily greener and he lost his job.

Find some self respect. He is NOT the man you thought he was. IF he was, he wouldn't have treated you like something you scrape your shoe on for two years. IF he was, he wouldn't have set this example for his daughters and jeopardised their own security.

Often times in life love isn't enough, your love can't stop him: treating you poorly, making bad decisions, being selfish, being financially unstable etc. Your love is wonderful and strong, but that's independent of all the other things. To have lied to his wife for two years, disgusting, he has no conscience and was as you say quite happy to have continued the deception if convenience had allowed him. To take him back is to say...yes it's fine if you treat me like a pawn piece you can flick around the board I'm fine with that. Are you fine with that? So you want to show your daughter's you are happy to be treated like this by men? Remember that you are their example, it's not just about how you feel re wanting him back. Once you've processed his actions properly you will know you are worth so much more.

Only 3 days ago and it hurts like hell, I can’t eat or sleep and I’m crying all the time. My mind is consumed with thoughts of them together and that he may have loved her, it’s breaking my heart

Although he was still seeing and sleeping with OW right up until 2 days before he confessed

Ugh. Yuk.

I know it is really hard not to hold out for the hope that he is really sorry, sincere, etc, but this was:
Totally dishonest
Totally disrespectful of you
Treating you as his default fall back

He did not make a decision of his own choosing to tell you about all this; he was backed into a corner.

He could have been honest when he left.
He could have pro actively left OW and not slept with you both simultaneously.

Ugh, revolting. How DARE he have slept with you when you had no idea he was a STI risk? Or betray you like that?

He prioritised his affair over you, over your DD’s, over his job, everything,

Personally I could never feel strong in the relationship again. Because he didn’t pro actively choose to be honest.
he
The destruction of trust will eat you up.

I do think marriages can recover from affairs. But not when he did not make the genuine pro active first move to end the affair and be truthful with you.

And he is a cowardly liar: “oh it was mostly her…” Too weak to decline to shag someone????

It’s hard OP. And not unusual to still be in love with the man you thought you had. And natural not to want to let go of the marriage you thought you had.

Betrayal is so painful.

Would counselling help you clarify your thoughts and feelings?

To think that you still love him after he has lied, cheated, selfishly shat on his own wife and children; says a lot about you.

No it doesn't, but your nasty comment certainly says a lot about you and none of it good.

What is the matter with people who want to kick someone when they are down? OP is understandably hurt and confused that the man she has spent so much of her life with and who she thought was a good husband and father has betrayed her so badly.

You can't turn love off like a tap just because the person you love no longer loves you and it's no use pretending you can. OP is not the villain here. That they once had a good marriage and brought up two children (to whom OP says he was a good father) is a clear indication that he did love her, even if he doesn't anymore (which may or may not be true).

It's the easiest thing in the world to give "good advice" when you are in the happy position of not having to take it yourself. It's not so easy when your world has just been blown apart.

OP - once you have worked through your grief and come to terms with the loss of the marriage and husband you thought you had, you will see more clearly and you will recover and build a new life for yourself.

I agree with other posters who have cautioned against letting him move back in with you. This is a mistake I made when my husband left for another (work colleague) woman.

I had convinced myself that if I had been a "better wife" he would not have had an affair with another woman. When he came back, I bent over backwards trying to please him and competing with the other woman who also wanted him back and who I later found out, he never stopped seeing.

He must have felt like a king with both of us "fighting" over him. As the miserable weeks passed I started to hate him for the way he was treating me. Unfortunately, I also started hating myself for letting him and my self-esteem dropped to an all-time low. With help and support of my friends and family, I eventually realised I was letting him destroy me and that he really wasn't a prize worth fighting for. Realising that I no longer loved him was such a relief, because I was able to move on.

He then went back to the other woman and despite about six months of his begging phone calls and threats of suicide, I never let him come back and eventually he gave up. That was ten years ago. As far as I know they are still together. Not that I care. He is just an unpleasant memory now.

3 days is nothing !!

This is YOUR TIMELINE NOT HIS!!

He is not in charge of what happens to you. He does not get to decide.

Right now he has no job, no car and is homeless. He is also a big lier. You can take your time deciding what to do and can also change your mind in the future, HE IS NOT IN CHARGE!!!!

He wants you to comfort him now that it's all gone wrong. He wants you to hold him and tell him you love him and it will be okay and make him feel better. That's why he's back. Not because he wants to love and care for you, but because he wants you to look after him.

He has basically cried and begged forgiveness and said we can go to marriage counselling to help us through, he has apologised to us all, crying and pleading, said that is meant nothing and that he has issued and that he’s discovered he’s a pathological liar and needs help for that and will get help. He has downplayed the affair massively, saying he just felt sorry for her etc

I think the "nice guy" act will crumble quickly if the OP starts saying no, firmly and following through.

No, you cannot come to the house.
No, I have nothing to say to you and don't wish to talk.
No, I won't consider getting back together, now or ever.
No, I will not accommodate any of your wants.
Just, no!

I think he will turn nasty because she will be no use to him and he can't manipulate her if she sets firm non-negotiable boundaries.

No, sorry my love but I think it's got to be over now. You've written it down - he only wants to come home because his hand was forced and she got cold feet.

You absolutely can have a lovely life going forwards though but this bit will hurt a lot.

Lots of love xx