My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

Late to the thread and have only read your posts, @Thescornedwife .

You love who you thought he was not who he is. Who you think he is does not exist.

He is a lying cheating wanker who wants a bed, a fanny, a phone , a car and his job back.
The other woman has dumped him.

The trash took itself out. Don't let it back in.

He is still at his parents but he keeps trying to come to our house to see the kids and it’s bothering me because he doesn’t have anywhere he can take the kids, he has no car and my kids don’t have a relationship with their grandparents he lives with so don’t like going there

Ridiculous post.

Great post. Echo this.

He will do it again if you take him back. You can never trust him now you know what he's capable of.

Stay strong.

I used to read these threads and think, yes it can be saved - it happened in my family.

But they split over 20 years later stating that issues had never been resolved. This is the family their children grew up in which has had consequences.

Don’t make that your problem. He needs to find a solution. Just be firm. He cannot come in the house.

Please do this for your and your children's sake. What do they think and say?

Why are you letting him make this your problem?

@Thescornedwife - my mum was not quite 15 when she met my dad and married at 18. Dad had various affairs throughout their marriage. After 32 years of marriage, she ended the marriage. She had never lived alone having gone from her parents’ house to a marital home. DSis and i love our dad but we were so pleased when mum did this and she went on to marry again, much more happily second time round.

Your H has shown himself to be utterly untrustworthy (he even let you think he was leaving for some space). His behaviour is repellant. He was happy to leave you and shit on you from a great height. He wants his old life back because it’s comfortable. Don’t take your H back. It’s so much the wrong message for your daughters.

I loved Irma Kurtz’s advice column in Cosmo back in the 1980s. I remember a woman in a similar situation to yours who said that she still carried a flame for her husband who had left her for another woman. She still periodically slept with him. 40+ years on, I remember Irma Kurtz’s advice: “that flame you still carry for him - take a deep breath and blow it out”.

@Thescornedwife I have a slightly different take on things. I know a couple where the wife left the husband to be with another married man. The married man then decided he wouldn't leave his wife. Wife then came back to her husband. He did take her back and they seem really happy.

I do agree with previous posters about setting an example to your kids myself but I wanted to mention the above.

@Thescornedwife how old are your two daughters OP? This must be awful for you to cope with. Does he still have a key? If so, I think you should ask for it back

You are thinking about taking him back because you have only just found out the truth - it’s new for you and it’s a shock

but for him - he has spent two entire years, day and night lusting and potentially loving another woman and knowingly deceiving and disrespecting you and your kids the entire time. Every time he has spoken to you in the last two years - he has known about his secret life. Two entire years.

The last two years of your relationship were not the same for the both of you and he is not the same man you married - and never ever will be again.

I don’t doubt he cares about you but believe me - he does not respect you enough for you to take him back - he will only keep hurting you forever more.

and he does not deserve you back. Your kids probably wouldn’t want him back with you either - and imagine the lesson that is teaching them.

sorry if that’s harsh - but it’s the truth which you deserve.

Absolutely not. What the hell are you thinking? Tell him to go to fuck.

Absolutely.

Ignore the word "love" because he may well have some love for you but at times like this RESPECT is the only word you need to be focussing on.
This man has no respect for you & that is vital to a healthy relationship.

When the dust has settled you will find that you have lost your respect for him too.

Op I don't want to be unkind but you need to open your eyes, he doesn't want you back out of love, he wants all the things coming back will give him. I can't believe his arrogance, your Uncle employed him and he had an affair right under his nose, then when the OW dumps him he's trying to say it meant nothing. Do yourself a favour, find your anger, this man is a snake and no way should you feel sorry for him. If he can't see the DC at his DP then that's tough, his fault

He lost his job die to having sex with her at work!!!

No wonder he is remorseful op. It isn't that he is sorry or loves you. He wants you to pick up the bits and support him

He wants back home because he’s got no other choice. Kick him to the kerb and have some self respect.

Fuck no. Do NOT take him back, ever. It's over.

That's his problem.

He could get a job, save for a car. He could take his girls for a walk

What he can't do is use his custody time to try to guilt trip you and your daughters because things are so hard for poor old Dad.

He's going to have to figure it out. Borrow mom and Dad's car. FaceTime. But he can't spend hours or days at your place.

No wonder he wants back in. 🙄

Your home should be your safe space. Please don't let him continue to infect it with the reminder of his betrayal. He'll have to be a big boy and make alternative arrangements for when he sees your children.
And for the sake of your daughters, I really hope you find the strength to pursue a divorce asap. Time to put this behind you. It will hurt. Of course it will. But you will come out the other side of the process with your dignity and self respect intact.
You've done nothing wrong. You deserve so much better.
Sending hugs. 💐

As I posted earlier, a friend of mine took her husband back after a long affair and they are still happily together. She says that she will always be grateful that she gave him a second chance. She has sadly been disguised with a progressive illness and he looks after with such love and tenderness.
I am quite shocked at the vitriol shown on here towards men at times.

He wants his comfortable life back, the one where you cook, clean and launder after him. He doesn't want you, per se, it's the life he had before he decided to risk everything for sex with someone else.

You are worth far more than this man. The life you had, the one you want back again - that's gone, and he blew that up. Now he needs to face the consequences. No counselling, no brain washing - tell him your marriage is over and hold your head up high. And don't let him keep coming back to the house - he can see the girls at his parents.

🙄🙄🙄

Childish.

He lost his job because my uncle owns the business, and he had sex with her at work. He will find another job but not as lucrative as the one he had because of the perks of being in the family, he won’t be as well paid and have company car etc. his parents are not happy with him but his father had affairs so I’m not sure totally what they feel