My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

However complex this feels this man lied to your face for two years. How could you ever trust him again?

That’s like telling someone who was assaulted and who can’t think straight because of it, that it is ok to have a relationship with the person who assaulted them.

And yes I do think that what he has done to Op is seriously abusive.

No. It could happen again and ur forever going to be thinking about all the things you listed on the post.

"he’s all I know"

And he is not the man you thought he was. You get to throw him back and find yourself a life that does not involve a man like him. You have seen that he is playing silly games with her emotions as well as yours. He is now desperate, needs a home, financial support, stability, he'll be making her the same promises he is making you

Get legal advice. Secure all assets, money, paperwork etc and take control of your life

"She is so beautiful all the men wanted her and she chose my man to bamboozle"??? Seriously? That is so very close to "poor poppet had nhance once the wicked jade set her cap at him" Find your anger and use it to fuel your actions.

OP my heart goes out to you. I’ve been where you are now and it hurts like hell. When my exh did this to me it was like a switch had been flicked and he changed literally overnight from the man I had known and lived for 33 years to an angry, lying and cheating man I didn’t recognise. For the first couple of years we lived in the same house purely for financial reasons while the house was up for sale. At that time it was impossible for me to move on and I admit that despite everything I still loved him. Then I reached rock bottom and something changed in me. I lost a lot of weight and changed my mindset. Why wasn’t I looking after me? What was stopping me finding someone new? After all our children were grown up. I was 50 at the time and tried online dating on a site for over 50s. After a few idiots I met my now husband. He had never married after caring for both his parents and we just got on really well together. When the house sold and the divorce was final I moved in with him. Not long after I had to meet exh for coffee to discuss something and the cheeky devil asked me to go back to him. I was happy with my new man and said no and it gave me great satisfaction to do that. His relationship with the ow had ended. He has been on his own ever since and lives alone in a small flat. We're friends now and although I regret the divorce and the way things ended, 14 years down the line I’ve moved on now. Only you can decide what is right for you OP but make sure you put you first. Dont let him treat you like a plaything he can pick up and put down at will. Sending you a big hug and I really hope things work out for you.

I understand that you are really hurting and desperate to have your life back the way it was before all this happened, but you need to dig deep and find the strength to refuse to take him back. This man has treated you appallingly badly. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about your children. He chose to prioritise shagging this woman from work over everything else. He is not a good person. The person you thought you were married to and were in love with doesn’t exist, it’s all a lie. Please put yourself and your children first and tell him to fuck off.

You can never get back the man and the marriage you thought you had. They don't exist.

The caring, loving father doesn't exist.

He threw away your marriage, your trust, your health, and your children's security for sex with another woman.

He wants to come back now because he's lost everything, and he thinks you are desperate and stupid enough to provide him with a home, sex, and housekeeping services until his next affair looms into view.

Don't fall for it. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. You won't have the freedom for a better life to find you until you have freed yourself from this lying, cheating low life.

I don’t know why he gave me such details, he said it was because he wanted to be honest. And I think that she maybe had the videos and he wanted to come clean about everything so she didn’t have that control

Absolutely not!!! You don't do that to someone you love once, never mind all the lies and sneaking about he's done behind your back

Plus you need to be a role model to your daughter. Be a strong independent woman. You will be happier in the long run

I have read your posts. Pull yourself together and find your self respect.

You can be a scorned wife, or you can divorce his lying, cheating, disgusting face.

Honestly, taking him back will render you an utter doormat.

Set a good example to your daughters - who will already be seeing him for the utter rat he is.

Sounds like he cheated on you with her, and then on her with you when he started to come back. Lying to you both, leading you on after two years of betrayal that you didn't even know about. I don't think that you really want him back. Not after that. What you wish is that it never happened, that he never did this to you and your kids. It's totally normal to consider if there is anyway 'back' to what used to be, and wish for it. You miss the man you thought he was, and the life you had. Allow yourself to do that and then find a way forward. You deserve more than this, your kids do-- and he certainly doesn't deserve the chance to screw up your life any more than he already has.

I’ve never commented on a thread like this before but pls do not let him back. My dad did something unspeakable and my mum let him stay. It has ruined my life as I thought that was normal. Pls set an example to your DC that it is not a model for them to follow in later life. You are worth more than that. I appreciate it’s easy to sit here and say this and it would be you that has to actually uproot your life but letting him back is not the easy option in the long term. Be strong and value yourself. Kick him out for good. He’s shown what he really thinks of your relationship and you are worth so much more x

I also think he is only telling you this now because he wants his cushy job back. He is still manipulating you OP. He lied to you for 2 years, what makes you think he will stop now.

I hope she got sacked too?

He was behaving secretly and being very dismissive of me and just all round different. He’s humiliated me when he left me, i thought I was doing something wrong, and I’ve held it together for the kids, but I didn’t know it was all because of this affair

No don’t, get out of the relationship.

So do his parents know he has been running around with her, and that it’s been going on for years?

"he’s good at making them feel sorry for him too"

OP, he really isn't a good father if he parades his woe in front of his kids. He's selfish and immature.

Honest, bullshit.

He's lost his fairly long term affair partner, he's hurting, and he described what they did together to hurt you. He wants you sad and broken so you're more likely to fall into your habit of many years and let him soothe you and force a trauma bond while he gets out of his parents' house.

He might be afraid she'll send you the deets, but this is about him securing a home for himself.

He didn’t tell you and show you the videos for your benefit, it was for his benefit so he could try to clear himself of any blame going forward. No doubt, if you did take him back he would want no blame and to put everything behind you both so he is trying to set himself up for the future where you are expected to fall in to line.

Think of how this looks to your children, imagine them in your circumstances in 30 years time, what would you advise them to do?

I’m so sorry for you. You’re right, I can’t do this to my children

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing

2 years!!

She's dumped him and DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK!

Be the role model your children need.

Solo mothering is far preferable than a pathetic lying man around just chasing his dick.

It's not about whether he loves you, it's about whether he respects you.
And he clearly doesn't to have done this to you for two years, to finally own up to it only because he had to and then to ask you to take him back.

Please do you take him back. You don't have to hate him, you can even still love him on a certain level, but don't go back.

He's the father of your kids, you have a long history together so you will always be connected so, rather than taking him back, find a way to proceed with dignity and without bitterness.
Your daughters are watching so show them that you are no pushover but you are able to act with maturity & with your head held high.
Seek legal advice and mediation to ensure a fair, clean split.
But don't take him back, you are worth so much more.

Did they both get fired, or just him?

If you can't get rid of him for yourself, then you need to think of your daughters.

How would you feel if someone did this to them? Because if you take him back, you are showing them that being lied to, and cheated on, is acceptable.