My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

Do your children know? If so, how do they feel about him now and have they said what they think you should do?

He sounds like he’s good at lying and pulling on everyone’s heart strings but please don’t take him back.
he left you telling lies, then had an affair, more lies, slept with you whilst still being with her, more lies! he’s just a big fat liar and a cheat and you deserve much, much better.

Get yourself some counselling and work on why you think so little of yourself you've even thought for a second about taking him back.

Over 2 years he looked into your face and lied to you countless times. He dumped you to live with her. Have some pride and tell him you are happier without him and will be pressing forward with a divorce. He's broken up with her and so knows you still love him and will put up with any shoddy behaviour from him. I found out about my exh of 21 years cheating on me. I kicked him out and divorced him. He kept begging to come back but I knew I wouldn't be able to have sex with him after he had cheated on me. I moved on surprisingly quickly. I've been happily remarried many years now. Exh is still a bit of a mess. Lost majority of his friends including his best friend from school. His kids hardly see him. Lost his job.

I think it is more like the OW got wind of the scumbag having sex with OP behind her back and threw him out. So he's come crawling back. He'll be out the door in a few months when the OW takes him back or he's found another one.

Oh, OP, I am so sorry.

I know everyone on here is saying not to take him back, but I do feel that that is a decision only you can make.

Sending big hugs xxx

No, total disrespect to you. Would never be the same again anyway :(

So sorry for you. You must feel sick and stupid and utterly used and yet u still have love for him.

what reason did he give for losing his job? (Sorry if you have explained already). And how easy will it be for him to get another job? Just wondering if his return has been brought on by lack of money.

And how much did his family know (his parents, siblings etc).

I have walked in your shoes and the fear of a repeat affair reduces with time but never fully leaves and my trust is still not great.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

He sees you as a soft landing now his disgusting behaviour has blown up in his face.

You are so much more than that. Do not let him treat you this way.

He got fired for having sex with OW at work.

Oh dear.
NO.
Off he fucks.

He’s lost his job because he’s behaved inappropriately.
The OW has binned him off.
He’s got no job, will face no money.

He’s sorry he’s lost everything and wants his old life back.

Tell him to fuck off

Not that I'd have an affair with a married person in the first place, say I had and he'd sent that then as the OW I'd dump him. He's a nasty little toad isn't he?

@Thescornedwife I agree with a PP who advised space for now, I think he needs to stay away from you for a while. My guess is that he’s back because everything has blown up in his face, he may be thinking that if you accept him back then he may get his job back (given it’s your uncles’ firm) but also that you’ll support him financially in the meantime.

To be honest, I don’t buy his story that he made a mistake at all. The entire affair went on too long and was too serious. I think you’ll really regret taking him back, in the longer run, however painful it is to separate fully now.

I’m sorry he has treated you and your daughters so badly.

Do not let him back ever. He made his bed let him lie in it forever. You are better than that POS.

MN isnt the place to ask because we all think LTB. But we arent emotionally involved and some relationships can come back from worse.

We cant give you the answers you need. Counselling sounds a good idea regardless, just for you.

Imo coming back will only have a chance if he does take accountability and you both engage in counselling because you need to process that betrayal to forgive him and he needs to acknowledge the betrayal to earn forgiveness. Because, and I cant say this loud enough - how he treats you has to be more important than how much you like him.

I would say if you love him, you could always try and decide to sack him off down the line. Whereas you cant sack him off and bring him back down the line.

I think atm there isnt an easy choice. Say no and grieve, which hurts. Or say yes and gamble, which comes with risk of hurt.

Making you feel sorry for him is a tactic purely because getting back with you is the best option he is left with. I beleive that if he cared and loved you as his motivation then his behaviour would be different - he'd be remorseful and repentant but not pitiful. He'd be working hard to give look after you and the girls but without any pressure to take him back, because pressuring you to take him back is once again all about what he wants with zero consideration about what's best fo5 you.

While I think it’s human to have feelings of anger towards the ‘other woman’, as you’ve said the husband is the one with the responsibility to his wife and family. I always think that expending any significant energy or thought on the so-called OW is a risky distraction from the real issue.

Yes, it could be argued that the woman he had an affair with hasn’t behaved particularly well (I haven’t read the full thread so unsure if she has betrayed a partner of her own, or what her background is etc, but ideally nobody would actively pursue people already in relationships); nonetheless, there are always going to be people in the world who behave in undesirable ways, and the only way someone can have an effect on a married couple in this situation is if a married person chooses to engage.

My issues with the ‘other woman’ as a concept are twofold. 1. It allows the potential to distract from and to some extent (however small) excuse the husband’s behaviour (if only she hadn’t tempted him, etc). 2. I find it to be a sexist concept which often serves to reduce women to being sexual rivals (again with the potential to distract from the real issue of the man’s behaviour). The onus was entirely on the OP’s partner not to engage with that woman. If my husband was unable to walk away from a room full of attractive naked women all simultaneously propositioning him then I would blame him entirely (unless any of those women were friends of mine).

You would be setting a terrible example. Imagine your daughters grow up and this happens to one of them, would you allow them to entertain getting back with them?

The hard truth is she's chucked him and he only wants you for a roof over his head, I know it's probably hard to hear but don't let him use you. Things will only get better for you if you move on and don't give more time to this parasite

This^. This^ And this ^^ Great post!

You need distance op. It’s obvious you will still have feelings for this scumbag of a man because you have only recently found out and up to this point you were looking forward to your future together. Do not make any decisions now.

It’s your decision op but I could never get back with someone who had lied in a calculated way to me for two years! I could never trust them again,

I am so sorry op. He has treated you abysmally! I think you need to be as ruthless with his feelings as he was with yours. Block. Cut off. Evict. Separate. Give yourself some breathing space to adjust to the idea of living living differently without him.

But first of all, stop seeing him, Protect yourself please. 💐

I don’t know if he loves her and neither do you but one thing you can be sure of is that he doesn’t love you. This is all on him so hold your head high and take things a day at a time. This too shall pass and you will be stronger without him
Do Not take him back.

He’s homeless, jobless and my the sounds of it, she doesn’t want him anymore so he’s now asking to come back. It’s not because he wants to, it’s because he feels it’s in his only choice.

Im so sorry but you deserve so much better. Tell him to fuck off.

The term is "sloppy seconds." do you really want her leftovers? He doesn't love you, he just wants an easy place to crawl back to. Don't give it to him.

Homeless, jobless and a dirty cheater.
Why the hell does Op want this man back ?

No don't take him.back he had an affair for 2 years! If you do, you're sending the wrong message to your daughters, that men can treat them like shit. He obviously wants access to the house and some money! You are worth more than that. Be the strong woman that you are. If you do take him back remember that he'll do it again, and again. And it sends the wrong message to your girls. Be strong.