My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

Oh for gods sake. So what if he is all you know. 2 years!!!!!! It clearly did mean something to him
He is only running back to you because he is panicking I cant understand how you can even consider it

I know you're hurting and you still have feelings for him, but you need to put the feelings aside and pick up your self respect from off the floor.

The only reason he is trying to come back to you is because the life he chose over you and your daughters with OW didn't work out. That is it. He doesn't love you.

He did not cut contact with her to gain your trust. Their relationship fell apart on it's own for whatever reason (him telling you it was because he still loves you and wants to come back can't be trusted. The man is a liar and will tell you whatever he needs to in order to get his way), and now that he has nothing, you're his fall back. You're his opportunity to salvage his financial situation, to salvage his reputation, to not be alone. That is it. He doesn't love you.

He was still sleeping with the OW when he began coming around you more and began sleeping with you. He's a pig who is repeatedly showing that he will put his dick in more than one woman at a time. He cheated on you then he cheated on her with you even though he had also professed his love to her. He doesn't have any morals.

Speaking of morals, it is disgusting that he is making you and your dd's feel sorry for him. Stop that right now, there is nothing to feel sorry for. He's a grown man who made these choices. Instead of groveling to come back, he should be owning up to his life choices and giving you all some space. He should not be making anyone feel bad for him over blowing up his family. He is a selfish man whore. That is it. He doesn't love you or his daughters. Only what he can get from you and his overall image.

At the end of the day you are your daughters role model. Teach them dignity and self respect. Teach them standards for their future relationships. Teach them that it is not ok to be treated as you all have been. You can only do this by not taking him back and being strong. He does not get to come to the house and play happy families. Distance is required. Permanently.

And please get yourself some individual counseling. I understand how hard this is for you but to even consider taking him back after all he has done means you probably need some extra support to work through this. This is not a situation where it would be ok to even slightly consider taking him back. It's a solid no, and you need to be able to see that and make this decision.

OP I am really sorry for all this, but I can tell from the tone of your posts that you have fallen for his lies and will take him back. Just remember hes lied to you spectacularly before, and can do it again. Hes only coming crawling back cause hes lost his job and car, so has no money now. And wow, of course hes all of a sudden soooo sorry for hurting you, he wants back in the house as he’s on his arse. Wonder what happened with him and OW that they are suddenly no more? We can advise you all we can on here to not let him back, but if you do, please please try and financially protect yourself first.

He's using you.

Good grief. Please, please, please to not get back with him. Don’t even think about it. She has ditched him for whatever reason and now he is crawling back. What a piece of shit.

OMG woman he wasnt taken this isnt 'Jolene Jolene dont take ma man'! He chose to do this if only you knew the reality of the dating apps hes probably put himself on and the conversations theyve had, hes not your man and you are not his women, you are you and with all love and due respect im beginning to see why he left,

His affair partner has likely been unhappy that he's lost his job and its perks and isn't paying his way. That's why he was sexing you up occasionally, he knew his relationship with her was on shaky ground and he wasn't supporting himself and she was probably unhappy having to support him. So he had his old nest to fall back on if things went south.

That info dump about his affair? He didn't care that it could traumatize you to hear all the gory details. You're not his therapist. But he needs one. And he needs a long time in therapy. He'll start pressuring you to let him come back. Don't have sex with him, the last thing you need right now is an unhealthy trauma bond with a selfish and manipulative man who dumped you.

You're the fall back woman. You're not his first choice. He doesn't care about you or your kids at his core. He cares about himself. He's manipulating you and your children. It wouldn't be healthy for any of you to reconcile now.

Not a chance

Don’t be a bloody mug, he’s come back because she’s kicked him out and doesn’t want to pay for him . If he loved you he wouldn’t have had an affair for 2 years.

im sorry but the only reason he’s back is so he can worm his way back into his job and the house. You don’t mean anything to him.

I believe if he truly loved you he wouldn’t have had an affair. If she wants him back in a few months he may well run back. You have coped for 6 months. Yes life is different as a single parent but you can come out the other side. Marriage isn’t easy but in my eyes cheating is not acceptable. He chose her when he left.

You’ve survived on your own for the last six months. The hard bit is done. Don’t go back now. Keep moving forward on your own terms.

He can go back to mummy and daddy’s spare room and try to put his life back together.

Do not go for couples counselling. This mess is all on him.

Please visit the Chumplady website immediately, if you haven't already. It will help you. The worst part of your situation is you feeling sorry for him - I've been there and it's so hard to deal with the sad sausage routine. Get thee to Chumplady!

No. No. No.

He probably just wants his old job back and using you for this

No.

It's not an option OP. I'm sorry he has dangled this in front of you - it's not fair. But it's an illusion. Happy families with this man doesn't exist.

So sorry for your heartbreak but you should loathing him not loving him.
Find your inner strength and rid yourself of this pathetic manchild once and for all - your daughters will respect you for it.
He has deceived all of you and let you down in the worse way, and what’s even worse he’ll do it again given the chance.
Rebuild your life - you can do it and keep your self respect AND be happy again. I’m sure you’ll get lots of useful advice from fellow MNs.

Nooo OP 😢 He's a serial liar, a cheat, he's unemployed, he's stupid for getting involved with a colleague especially at a company ownder by his wife's family. He He's fucked her and you and been back and forth between you. He's told her he loves her/ that he's playing you. He has disrespected you and your marriage for 2 fucking years!

Then it's all blown up for him.

He's back because you are his last hope. Don't be a mug, he's not back because he realised he really wanted to be with you and the kids... he's back because he has nothing else going for him. You deserve so much more than a life with him, please, show your daughters that being single is better than being with a shit man.

Don't give any more years of your one precious life to this man!!

He’s a manipulative liar who will say what he thinks you want to hear to charm his way back into your life and bed.
So would you want your daughters ending up with a man like this, and what message would your taking him back send to them?
And this man is just using you , you can never trust him again

Awwww you’re like his mummy, he’s come back to you as times are hard. Can you make him a hot milk and a cookie perhaps?

So not only has he betrayed you in the most terrible way, but now he’s shown you the true depths of his contempt by assuming your self respect is so low that you’ll have him back. Ew.

So sorry for you over this. You are upset because you still have love for him, but somewhere you have to find that you have more love for yourself. He is not the same man that you married and any trust will be gone. Think very carefully about what your future would look like with him and not dwell on good times in the past. You will get through this and be stronger for it.💐

How will you know he's not out cheating when he's running errands? Will you just sit there and quietly freak when he leaves the house? Will you make him turn on a phone tracker and track him when he leaves the house? Put a geo tracker in his car? Install a keylogger on his phone so you can see who and what he's texting?

How will you manage your stress over letting a man who you know is just there for a nicer place than his parents' spare bedroom live in your space and lie to your face? Do you think you can fake a whole life together? Can you look at him and not see him with his affair partner?

Taking him back would be settling for a life of pure misery and that would do your girls nothing but harm to be modeled that.

They all want counselling don’t they, when they’ve been caught with their hand in the cookie jar…

you dont need counselling. Don’t let him talk you into thinking that you do. He’s only suggesting it because they all do, they think it shows you that they’re serious about saving the relationship. Just a tactic

its all blown up for him and now he’s gone crawling back. Don’t be ‘that woman.’ Show your children that we don’t allow men to walk all over us an tell him it’s over

I may be missing something, but

if you're still married and no specific measures taken, he's got the legal right to return to the marital home if he wants to.