My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

You haven't made a single post saying that you're going to leave. You've got an answer for everything. I can only assume you're looking for some sort of validation for deciding to stay.

Amazing how the OW finished with him once he lost his job.
OP give yourself some time, I have 2 friends whose husbands left them for work colleagues, then when they got a rap on the knuckles from their employers for their behaviour, went back to their wives.
In both cases it never worked out. I call tell you that both of these friends have thrived on their own with their DC's and both of their Ex H's are on their own!
The incessant lies are the reason you should never ever consider taking him back, he will lie in counselling, and continue to lie to you to get what he wants, you cannot trust him ever again.

DONT TAKE THE CHEATING FUCKER BACK

You’ve had so many messages saying the same thing, I really hope you take them on board. Everyone, EVERYONE, is right when they say don’t take him back.

But I’m writing to you because I was your daughter. So let me tell you from first hand experience what you will do to your daughter if you take him back.

My father had multiple affairs and my mother took him back every time. Watching her do that taught me that we were vulnerable and hopeless without a man in the family. That I had to play nice, be compliant, never speak out, never rock the boat. When I was 15 I didn’t realise how shocking his behaviour was but I saw my mum grit her teeth, cry secretly in the kitchen, and get on with “keeping it together so we had a family”.

That family was not worth having. It was a fake family.

The lesson I learnt from that led me to spend the first 20 years of my adult life in a shitty relationship, putting up with shocking behaviour, keeping together “for the children”. I had no self esteem and no sense of what I was worth. It was miserable and abusive. Eventually I escaped and started again.

I then married someone else. That was happier, but this time I put up with all sort of different lies. I put myself down, I played nice, I cried in secret, I got on with it “for the family”. That was another 20 years.

I spent 40 years unconsciously copying the behaviour I absorbed from my mother during my most vulnerable years as a teenage girl. It damaged me PROFOUNDLY.

I’m 60 now and finally I’ve figured it all out. I’m in a great place. But I’m deeply angry - not with my father, he’s not worth my anger. I’m deeply angry WITH MY MOTHER. Her weak, pathetic, self-serving behaviour (she didn’t want to sacrifice our comfortable life) wrecked my life and sense of self for 40 years.

Don’t do that to your daughters. Show them what a strong woman can do. Please.

In the nicest possible way, he wants to come home because the OW has pulled out. You’ll never trust him again, and quite frankly you deserve better than to be somebody’s second choice.

I’m sorry but no it can’t be repaired. Not even becayse he cheated fir two years etc….
But because he didn’t chose you. He didn’t leave her. She left.
He has lost his job.
So basically he is clinging onto you for dear life because you’re his safety raft. Because he’s lost everything, is penny less and might not be able to stay at his parents.

He is doing NOTHING to repair the relationship. Nothing to repair the trust. He is protecting himself (telling you before she does). He is trying to get back to safety (a roof over his head, money etc….). But there’s nothing there about you, the damage he has done to you and his dcs. No action. Just words and guilt tripping you.

Noe of that are tge acts of someone who has seen the errors of his way and is truly committed to make things work.
Thats why it’s not going to work 😢😢

Also please remember, when you say you love him. I don’t think you do. You love the man you thought he was. I doubt you’re loving the man who cheated for two years, lied to you, used work place to conduct his affair (WTF does that?!?), the one who just got fired, the one who cared not one jot about the impact this would have on his dcs.
Seriously, imagine one of your dcs telling you about their partner the way your Dh has been. Lying, cheating etc…. Would you think this was the rigut oartner for them? Do you think ‘oh its obvious why dc is do in live with them’? I doubt so. More likeky you’d be repulsed by said partner. Your dh isn’t different.

He has no respect for you. He only wants to crawl back as his affair has gone tits up not because he truly wants to be with you. Your own self-respect should never allow you to take him back. He's a user. You'll never trust him again so any future relationship with him would be really awful. Show your DD that men who have affairs and destroy your life never get the chance to do it again.

So very decent, honest and generous of you to share this. I agree 100%

Please listen @Thescornedwife - how many more people need to tell you what you already know?

Good grief OP, don’t even consider it!
Was he feeling bad for you when he was shagging another woman? No.

You’ve got teenagers, so please don’t show them that a woman just relents and takes a man back when he’s been unfaithful provided he crawls back saying sorry. That’s an appalling life lesson for them.

He doesn’t give a toss about you OP, sorry.

I'm speaking from experience. Now, he's thinking of you as his "safety blanket". I made the mistake of thinking, he's sorry, he does love me, I'll forgive him. What an idiot I was, he had another affair, then another, thinking I'd never find out, but I was told what he was doing, then was told where he was taking her for a meal, so I went there, sat in my car and waited, and sure enough out they came, hand in hand, laughing. Suddenly I thought, I don't care, I no longer love him and he sure as hell dosn't love me. I went home, when he came back (the next morning) I said did you have a nice time? Reply was "I was with the lads we had a bit to drink so I couldn't drive" I just said I'm finished, move out!! He did eventually when he knew I meant it. Straight in with another woman, then another 😄 you deserve better, he's got no respect for you, or the OW, cut your losses.

I am so sad and so sorry that you are going through this. My husband left me for another woman - someone we both worked with. Well I say another woman, i should say girl because shes over a decade younger than him.

Its been hell. I have cried every day for 6 months, i was praying he would come back - but she is actually being introduced to my 9 and 7 year old today and she is moving into the house that is still half mine this weekend.

10 years ago, he also had an affair and I took him back - my daughter came after that affair so I will never be sorry for taking him back, but it destroyed my confidence, I could never really trust him ever again and our marriage was tainted. I worked so hard to make our lives wonderful - but ultimately, he done the same thing again, only he didn't try to come back this time. My self-worth is in tatters.

I guess what I am saying is, if he stays gone, you can create a wonderful life for yourself and your children and you are teaching them not to ever accept this level of betrayal or selfishness again. If he comes back, there is no evidence to suggest that he wont do this again - maybe in 5 years, maybe 10 years - but you will kick yourself for the life you have wasted on him at that point when you could have been with a decent man instead.

I think you should go to counselling - not with him, but for yourself, so that you can be helped in finding your own happiness, confidence and self-worth.

I never usually say these sort of things but fuck him! Hes an asshole!

Again, I am so, so sorry you are going through this x x

Don't do this to yourself, and absolutely don't show your daughters that this is ok. Stand up for yourself, you deserve so much better than this.

Hell no! I worked with someone who did this. I think he even bought a house with the OW. Then went back to his wife, continued with OW until wife found out again, went to OW, then back to wife , but continued with other woman until wife found out etc etc. Basically just flitting between the two lying through his teeth. It may still be going on now for all I know. I moved departments.

No. You’re not his first choice you’re the he’s at rock and is chancing his luck choice
you and your children deserve more
He lied,screwed,maintained a second life whilst playing a role of mr good guy to the OW.
He maintained a falsehood on an industrial scale, presenting to you as father, dad to his kids, work colleague All the while having a second shaggy life

That’s a v thoughtful and kind post
Sorry you went through this too

OP I’m sorry you’re going through this. He won’t have given you the full story. He had a whole other secret life for two years.

Sex in workplace is gross misconduct. Not only that but have you thought they were probably shagging in their cars too - the one you and your daughters have probably had lifts in, when it wasn’t cleaned after they’d done the deed?

He doesn’t care about you. He cares about how he can save face. Moving back in will help him with that.

Fund your anger at him. As PP said he has stolen your daughters childhoods - for the last two years he has lied to them as well as you.

I hope you find the strength to divorce and live your own life with your DCs and you will flourish, I’m sure of it. 🌺

This. This. This.

Where's he living now? Has he got his own place or does he just want to be back in his nice home (with you paying the bills)?

Oh right so he's not coming back because he loves you or with a job or having done considerable work on himself. He's coming back because it suits him and he expects you to bail him out?

I wouldn't have him back regardless. He's realised too late that it's a shit show. I bet she ended it.

It was insulting him ruining everything and breaking your heart and it's further insulting he could even think he could come back.

He sounds extremely manipulative. Please think of your daughters- not just the example they’re seeing here but also the fact that he lied to, and is now manipulating, them as well as you. He will never put them ahead of his own interests- you can tell, because he chose to fuck around and lose his job and treat their mother like dirt. Past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour.

as for why he wants to come back, it’s because he is in the Finding Out stage. He doesn’t like the consequences of his behaviour being discovered, but make no mistake- there’s no sincerity in anything he says or does, and as a pp said he will blame and resent you for being the wronged, innocent party.

Wow …who gave you those powers?! Not Mumsnet.

It’s perfectly be understandable to be in shock and disbelief and struggling to switch off love and care. It’s intellectual for us, all too frightening and painful for OP

He will have lied to the OW about you. Perhaps how he hasn't loved you for years and was only staying for the kids, or you haven't had sex for years. He also played her (she isn't innocent).

Now he's playing you, not for the second time but the third. First when you believed your husband would never cheat. He is a man that will cheat.

Second when he lied to you every single day for more than two years (affairs take some building). He killed your marriage, relationship as a partner and as a father (your children are permanently damaged by this). You were nothing to him then, you were a burden, an inconvenience.

Thirdly is now. He thinks you are simple, desperate and pathetic BUT useful. He needs to get back on his feet so he can be back in the game. You can take him back but you'll be here again in 18 months (if that) when he "tried to make it work but we failed". You will be humiliated again but you won't have anyone's support because you know who he is.

Also, taking him back will impact on your relationship with your uncle. He stood up for you and sacked them. For what? Your family dynamics will be changed for the worse. Your relationship with your children will be the same and it is likely they will be more distant with you because you didn't stand tall and proud and you will be diminished to them to.

There's a song by Al Wilson called The Snake. It pretty much sums him up. Give it a listen.

Oh op I'm so sorry.
I've only read your posts so I'm sorry if I repeat anything already said.
My dh cheated on me and I stayed, so my input comes from my own experience and you'll get no judgement from me whatever you decide.
I'm not surprised he's come back. There's a stark difference between an affair conducted in secret and the reality of an actual out in the open relationship.
But I'd want to know know more about why he wants to come back now. Was the end of his affair relationship his choice or hers? Is he back because he's lost everything and is staying back with his parents jobless isn't exactly the freedom he thought he was gaining?
When you look back now was there any sign he was feeling guilty about what he was doing? If there wasn't I'd be very reluctant to consider reconciliation.
In my case my dhs affair was apparently shorter, he changed completely in the course of a few weeks and told me about it when I pushed him. Once out of the house he quickly wanted back.
To begin with, I just wanted my life back and it took me a while to realise that is not what happens. That life and marriage is gone for good. The decision to make is whether you both want to build a new one.
The issue is that the new one starts with a massive deficit. He would need to put in immense work to rebuild your trust and make you feel loved again - is he capable of that?
How has life been for you on your own? Have you made your house feel like yours found happiness with your friends and fulfillment away from him? If so be wary that inviting him back into that could well be really hard and interfere with the peace and healing you need.
Are you having your own counselling? Is he?
Its hard not to want to try and repair something you valued so highly, but remember you are just as valuable and first and foremost you need to take care of you.
My dh and I are 18 months in and whilst I don't regret staying, at times I think it would have been easier to let go and I had really no idea just how hard the whole process would he. Recovery as a couple takes years, be really sure he's worth it before you decide to walk that path. Know what boundaries need to be in place to protect your happiness and be prepared to walk away if they are crossed.

^THIS 100%
The only reason he’s coming squirming back is because he’s lost everything. I bet he wasn’t in the slightest bit sorry while he was cheating on you, he’s feeling sorry he was caught, sorry for himself.
For goodness sake don’t take him back, there will be another affair as soon as the opportunity arises.

No advice. Just sending you all the love and strength to turn your back on this piece of shit, walk forward and never turn back.