My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

the never hold back the details so they can get it off their chests. You are (wrongly) his sounding board. Do not fall for it, you don't love HIM, you love the idea of getting back together and it working, well it won't. You will never get the thoughts of them together out of your head, you literally won't.

I wish you luck, but make your own

Again blaming the woman. Your taken husband made himself available to her. Sure she may have been throwing herself on him, aggressively pursuing but your husband didn’t say no. He didn’t say he was taken, he happily, willingly ran to her. You have it in writing, he played you - imagine all the negatives things he thought or said to her about you.

Yeah, well he has "found himself". He's found himself unemployed, a social pariah, and very soon to be divorced. Don't be a mug OP. I can't believe you're even wavering. God knows I've been stupid in my life, but not that bloody stupid.

This times one million. ⬆️

What am I reading?

This is all about HIM!

What do you want?
What’s your situation now?
Can you truly live in a house with a man you can’t trust?

So what if you were teen sweethearts?? That’s now the situation now!

You’d reserve so much better.

If you go back the situation won’t change and you waste another year - 10 years on this waster

Leave him with his ma and pa who CONDONED HIS AFFAIR!!!!!!!!!!

My friend took her cheating prick of a husband back after his long term affair broke up. She said at the time she loved him and he was a good dad, people make mistakes etc.
She’s had 10 years of feeling sick every times he’s a bit late home, or has a night out or can’t contact him etc etc etc.

Her kids have left home now and she regularly tells me she wishes she made a different decision when she was younger and could have moved on.

He’s not the man you want or need him to be.

This. You’re the safe harbour, not the first choice. That’s so insulting. You’ll never be able to trust him again and it will eat you up inside. You need to make it clear that his actions ended any relationship he had with you and consult a solicitor to start divorce proceedings.

Id need to know why they broke up and why he is immediately sniffing at your door? Hes a possible answer: she dumped him now he has nothing.

He doesnt even want his own counselling. He wants couple counselling. Why? Is the blame at your door? Dont think it is.

He may have felt emasculated being employed by yiur family. Who knows, who cares? He was happy enough to take the money wasnt he?.

His response to you saying no will show you a lot. If he turns nasty then you know how he feels.

He may say he loves you. He also told someone else he loved them. Did he lie to her? Cos he lied to you.

Play the long game op. Keep a steely head on your shoulders. There is more to come out. Not just what they have done, but also how he feels about you

This sounds like a situation I witnessed in a workplace once. This ow was beautiful too. It was awful because we all knew before the wife and had to watch them both cavorting quite openly at work. I couldn’t understand how some of my colleagues who were friends of the wife could behave as though they supported the affair. But I was so glad that I wasn’t a friend of the wife’s with that sort of knowledge.

I understand your anger. But I hope your implication that any one of those men would have gone for her is wrong.

Part of you is considering taking him back. Why? For what reason?

Imagine you took him back now, but it didn't work out - what do you think would be the reason why it didn't work out?

While he was secretly having the affair and you were unsure what was going on, how did he behave? How did he make you feel in that time?

No. The answer is no.

You're not second best, back up, safety net.

He betrayed your trust in the worst way, in a prolonged affair where he chose daily to betray you and your kids.

He's broken it and it's not your job to fix what he broke. you don't need counselling.

Move on and be happy without him.

Please remember this- the tears are for himself, not you, not your children. He has shown you who he is, please believe him, a selfish, lying, manipulative egotist, and focus all your energy in getting this horrible example out of your daughters lives, so they can see that they (and you) are worth more than his behaviour has brought into your lives. He was happy to have it both ways for a while, now he wants the easy option. Please don’t give in to him, have some respect for yourself and give the right message to your children. Best of luck.

You have such low self esteem. He cheated and you slept with him again. This will be your life forevermore if you do not cut contact.

Personally I’d tell him that if he still wants to get back together when he has an independent place to live and a new job that I would go to counselling with him. But I’m not going to rescue him from his poor choices. If he is seriously repentant and wants to rebuild the marriage then he won’t find this a problem.

Also, OP, just in case you (or anyone else) thinks it's in any way unfair that he lost his job just because he was conducting this affair in the workplace and the workplace belongs to your family firm, in the last two places I worked, having sex in the workplace was specifically classed as gross professional misconduct and meant instant dismissal.

He LOST his job due to his shagging????
Thats gross misconduct in any workplace...

Jesus christ....

What. An. Arsehole.

If your children were 6m and 2 yrs and you were a low earner and struggling.... I'd maaaaybe understand why you'd consider "taking him back" for a few years.

Late teens young adults??? Not a chance...

He has BLOWN UP all your lives with his stupidity and selfishness. I'd never forgive this.

Just consider, it’s not one big lie, it’s lots of different lies, on a daily basis. How long was he living with you, OP, carrying on the affair but pretending everything was fine within your marriage? How many times did he lie about what he did at work that day, who he spoke to, who he had lunch with, where he went to after work? He lied and lied and kept on lying, and he is probably still lying now. I don’t believe for a second that it was an emotional affair for a year before becoming physical.
I wonder why he told you all the gory details? It certainly wasn’t for your benefit. If he was sincere about wanting to be back with you, wanting the best for you, he could have just admitted to the affair and kept the sordid details to himself. There was no need to tell you, except to hurt you, or to unload his guilty conscience. Man’s a prick. Don’t take him back. He’s not who you thought he was, and now he’s trying to use you.

Sadly I agree with this.
I'm so sorry you're going through all this OP but he's not asking to come back for the right reasons (although, after a 2 year affair, I'm not sure there are any right reasons!).
He wants to come back because you're a familiar safe place that he thinks will support him emotionally and financially, even after his betrayal.
You will never be able to trust him again, or repair the damage his deceit has caused. Please don't let yourself be used as a doormat, you are worth so much more than this pathetic, lying, manipulative excuse of a man!

OP, if I’ve got this right…..

For 2 years he has (to use the vernacular) jerked you, your children and your uncle/his employer off. Not only that, he has literally jerked off in your home and sent the video to his other woman.

I don’t think what you feel is love for him, I think it’s more love for who you think he was, regret about what he’s become, and being scared about your future.

If you take him back, how will you look your daughters and your family in the face ? I’m amazed you could even consider having him back.

No I wouldnt. I agree with those who say he only wants to come back because he has nothing else left.

I’m also wondering if this is the only affair he’s had during your marriage. It sounds very much like he only told you because he was found out so he knew someone else would tell you. So who knows what else has gone on.

This absolutely is tough on you. It’s heartbreaking. But he hasn’t actually chosen you and your marriage. He’s chosen the easy option for now. Once he’s back in work and gotten over that, is that still the choice he will make?

Not angry enough. You're acting like he had no agency and he's some kind of victim of this irresistible siren - which is bollocks.

Honestly I would not be taking him back. He's cheated on you for a whole two years. Clearly he has no respect for you at all. He's not in love with you he's in love with the idea of what you can give him now that he has no job. He likes the idea of the security of a home and financial support that he seems to think you owe him. I would honestly tell him to piss off he's a user

Well. He can live with her now can't he if the only that was stopping them was because they work together.
She has probably dumped him as he hasn't a job so he's coming back with his tail between his legs as some men can't be without a woman in their life.
I'd I were you, I wouldn't take him back. I wouldn't make any decisions right now. You can always change your mind later if that's what you really want later down the line.
Realise this though. You won't ever fully trust him again. You'll run over the detsils in your mind sfsin snd sgsin.You can't guarantee he won't go back to her once he has a job or that he won't start another affair. You take them back once and that gives them the green light to know that you're a walkover and that they will forgiven if they do it again. 6 months down the line is no time at all.

Give yourself time. Get stronger and decide when you're less vulnerable. He shit on you.

He didn't care about you or your dcs. Don't feel sorry for him. He's just feeling sorry for himself as he's been caught out and he's lost his job and she's probably dumped him. He's been totally selfish and followed his ego and his dick.

Tell him to get to fuck and get a divorce before all his money is gone.