My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

then told her he wasn’t playing both sides he was playing me “for the kids”

he's told the OW that he's playing you !!!!

I know you're in shock and hurting OP .If you don't have the strength and brain space (I wouldn't at this point ) to tell him it's over for good just do what a pp has said - separate and tell him ti give you space .

NO
Don't take him back
Divorce him
You and your girls will be ok

Sadly, though you may still love him, he doesn't seem to have loved you for a long time, or at least not the kind of love you and your children deserve. Otherwise he couldn't have used you so horribly, abandoned you for months, continued sleeping with this other woman, and only confessed to you when he felt she'd forced his hand. Would you do any of that to someone you loved?

He doesn't love you, really. That hurts, but it's better to face it than allow him to further use you as a soft place to land and probably hurt you even worse later on .

Do not take him back. Have some respect for yourself and your children. He is back like a wounded dog with a tail between his legs. Does he care? No. Does he want his old life and comforts back? Yes. Until the next affair comes along

Question, what were you doing while he was off for several months? Were you just holding a torch for him?

Talking from personal experience, my Dad had an affair for two years and it only came out when the OW came to the front door to give him his wedding ring. It was awful, they didn't split up, I wish they had. He had a wake up call and stayed in the family home but never really showed my Mum any respect. As I got older, I knew he was messaging other women via apps etc too. I think my Mum had no value for herself and worried about financial circumstances she just stayed in an unhappy marriage.

Your relationship cannot recover from this, the trust is gone. Focus on yourself and your children and forget this heinous excuse of a man

I am angry at him too! She’s very beautiful and from what I hear the other guys at work had crushes on her too but she chose my taken husband to fall for

"its so hard because he seems so sorry and hasn’t held back on any details (not sure if this is a good or bad thing) he did start hint about coming back before all this blew up! He was being affectionate again and coming to the house more and more. I’m not sure what that means either."

Please don't fall for this bullshit.

The only thing he is sorry about is losing his job, his home and his reputation.

"I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired?"

Oh come off it. You know it can't be repaired. Have a bit of self respect.

He lied when he left saying there was no-one else, both to you and your children. Why would you suppose he is capable of telling the truth now? His actions are not about you and your children, they are about him. Everything he had done and is continuing to do is about what he wants and what he does. His plan hasn’t worked out and now he wants to come back to his family and home for his comfort.

Please don’t think he wants this to make you and your children feel better, it is about him. Do you honestly think he told you everything including horrible details for your benefit? No, it was so he could try to ease his own guilt and not have something that could crop up in future potentially harm his prospects. He must know that the family business angle could mean you would find out why he had been fired, so this is purely self-serving.

You should stop allowing him the chance to be affectionate, and persuade you he should come back. Just repeat, you lied repeatedly to me and our children, I don’t trust you or anything you say. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship and he has destroyed it.

You think you can take him back...but it will never work. In your mind you will always think of them together, the lies he told you and the things they did.
He didn't think about you for the last two years and now that it has blown up he wants you back. You will be his security....until he finds someone else. He will think that you will always take him back and if you are a complete mug, you will.

Your girls will lose respect for you and so will your family. Most importantly the shine will wear off when you have him back and he stops trying to win you over.

Do yourself a favour and pull the plaster off now. Just give him his marching orders, no couples therapy....save that for you to understand why you must move on.

You would be extremely gullible to believe he is extremely sorry- if you take him back, then it means you have no respect for yourself, and your daughters will probably lose the repect they have for you. Don't be a doormat.

This is ironic op.
her behaviour is the classic consequence of the first man in a young girls life, their father, failing them, and them subsequently seeking out a different father to put them first this time.
kinda what taking him back will do for your daughters. Say no. For their sake.

However much you love him, love yourself more.

Set an example for your daughters.

its so hard because he seems so sorry and hasn’t held back on any details (not sure if this is a good or bad thing) I’m sure he is sorry. I’m sure he’s the sorriest he’s ever been in his sorry little existence. But he’s sorry for himself and the situation he now finds himself in. He’s not sorry for what he did to you.

he did start hint about coming back before all this blew up! He was being affectionate again and coming to the house more and more. I’m not sure what that means either. It means that he was realising that the grass wasn’t as green as he thought it was on the other side and that he’d thrown away a loving family and a successful career for a quick bunk up a few nights a week, pressure from someone who probably didn’t trust him to be faithful to her, unemployment and nights spent in his mum’s spare room. It’s not quite the ‘Love’s young dream’ that he’d imagined it was going to be.

I’m pretty sure that he felt so confident in your love for him, and how important he was in the family unit, that he’d just have to tell you he was sorry, it was all a horrendous mistake (although not one he was really to blame for as the spark and magic had gone from your marriage, so who could really blame him) but he’s such a wonderful husband he’s willing to give you another chance and the opportunity to make him feel loved and treasured again by attending counselling. Well fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I’m sure that there will be people out there who have forgiven cheating partners and are still together ten years down the line. Personally I agree with whichever pop star it was who said that (I’m going to misquote them hugely here) trust was like a broken mirror; you can repair it, but you will always see that crack. How will you ever believe him again? He’s proved that he can look you in the eye, tell you the most outrageous lies, make you believe him and then go and betray you. He’s pissed all over your life together. It was worth less than nothing to him. How do you come back from that?

It sounds like your daughters are also feeling conflicted about things as well, but please don’t take him back just for their sakes. They’re grieving for the family life you had together before he did this. It’s not them who will be laying alone in bed at night, wondering what he’s doing and who he’s with, while he’s out ‘networking’ to find a new job, or away on a training course. They can still have a relationship with him if they want that. And it can be independent of you. And don’t take him back just because you miss that old life either, or because you want to get that life back. It’s gone forever. Even if you gave him another chance, went to counselling and he was the perfect husband forever more, your lives will be very different.

It’s ok to still love the man he was and to still want the life you had. That’s completely normal. But you haven’t signed up for the leftovers he’s offering you now.

Just thinking... He must be so bloody confident of his manipulation skills that he thinks he can just fix this overnight and get you to take him back.
He must think he's God's Gift. Playing his tiny violin to all and sundry.

Demand and protect your space and don't weaken just because its Christmas. The girls can see him at his parents over the festive season.. Or why don't you and the girls go away somewhere nice and distracting for Christmas.

He was having the affair for 2 years but only left me 6 months ago to find himself but it was because the OW left her husband

No he’s coming back because you’re the next best option. How fucking disrespectful of him.

if you take him back he will always think less of you and treat you with less respect than you had when you were properly together.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but why is he suddenly crawling back now? Had the OW dumped him?

Either way, he was showing you exactly what he thinks about you when he was going behind your back to conduct an affair for 2 years. He’s show how untrustworthy he is, and you’ll never trust him again. Be a good example for your daughters and don’t take a man like this back.

OP, please don't let anyone tell you your feelings are not valid. You have every right to be angry at the OW. She colluded with him -- she was an essential part of what he did, he wouldn't have done it on his own! But suppressing your feelings and telling yourself you shouldn't have them is harmful to your own health.

I know MN always says don't blame the OW. Of course he is more to blame, because he had a responsibility to you and his children. But they both also had the responsibility that everyone has, to be a decent human being. They both failed in that.

Both of them hurt you and your children, and it's not surprising your anger at him spills over onto her as well. You are not bad or in any way wrong in acknowledging your anger at them both. You don't have to act on your anger at her, in fact it's probably best to ignore her. From now on, I would try to focus on the happier future you will build for yourself and your children.

No OP.
He ‘left you’ emotionally when he chose to start an affair. He’s just filled you in on a few details 6 months ago

He’s been missing from your marriage for at least 2 years - and that’s assuming that he’s not lying about the length of deception and that this is his first affair. Both of which are doubtful

Two years is a long time and he must have had an emotional connection and not just sex imo . I wouldn’t be able to believe a word he said as he crawled back saying what he thinks you want
to hear . It’s really hard but he’s blown apart everything you thought you had in him .

Your husband is back because life with you is comfortable and his life is now uncomfortable. Don’t kid yourself in to believing he is coming back for you and don’t lower yourself to allow it.

I can guarantee if you leave him and revisit this post in 6 months you will be absolutely gobsmacked at yourself and how ridiculous the idea of going back to that man was.

You don’t need him to have a happy life. Forget the loving years where he did commit because they don’t apply anymore. Life has changed, your relationship has changed, it won’t recover.

How can you be not sure??? Seriously... He will never respect you and your daughters will receive a strong message in how to behave like a doormat. Find your ice and self respect and divorce him.

@Thescornedwife He is no longer the man you fell in love with & married. That man has been replaced with a lying, cheating, arrogant, disrespectful tosspot.

You can grieve the loss of what you thought you had. But then you need to get tough.
The tears and "woe is me" is not regret for hurting you, lying to you, and thinking so little of you. It's because the OW has ditched him for dithering. He's lost you, the kids, his home comforts, his job with all the perks, & his reputation. He's also lost the reason he jeopardised all that.

He's sorry for himself. Not what his actions have caused. He actually thinks you are so weak & pliable that he can slither his way back to being comfortable.

Stop thinking about his choices & what he wants. He chose poorly. This is not your fault. Put yourself first now. Remember the power is now in your hands. You are still reeling but ultimately what happens now is your choice.

@LeftieRightsHoarder
you’ve missed the nuance of why everyone is saying it’s not on the OW, but her husband. I’m not sure if you’ve read the thread, but throughout the op is desperately hoping someone will say her husband is the poor victim, who was just having a midlife crisis and it’s all this awful woman’s fault whereas she, the op, is his real love. Of course an ow is culpable, but in this case, it’s irrelevant.

Ah sorry missed that somehow.