My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

Op think of the the time, love, care, fun and money he has chosen to invest in her and not you. Nights when he should have been with you. Being present.

I think that's worse than getting your head turned. He has invested in her and them as a couple so therefore not in you.

You deserve so much more

Teach them to be strong and to say No to men like this. They can still love him as their father and have a relationship with him, without him returning to live with you as your husband. That ship has sailed.

She doesn't want to support an unemployed waste of oxygen, why would you?

The more you post the more despicable his behaviour sounds.

Please remind yourself. You have only just found out the full extent of everything. And for the last six months, he's admitted and you have evidence that he has been "playing" you for the kids. What more do you need?

How deceitful for both you and your children. You said he lied to your daughter's face and he's playing them for sympathy so they will try to sway you in his favour. He is so duplicitous.

A pp, (im sorry I can't find to quote) , said that its awful that he's said "we need counselling" as if any of this is your fault and you are jointly responsible.
He has been playing you. He still is!

He is not being genuine to anyone and is manipulating all of you for his benefit.

Ban him from visiting. Reclaim your space so that you can process the shock of all this and think it through rationally. Get counselling yes, but not with him. If you believe he would use that to bully you into agreeing to let him or win the counsellor over to his side - well you've probably got good reasons for thinking that so trust your instincts.

The whole secret sex at work thing is awful to and shows he has no regard whatsoever for the consequences of his actions. He probably thought he could lie his way out of that if it caught up with him. He was wrong.

Imagine if a friend set out to deliberately cause you and your children immense pain and distress over a long period, for their own selfish wants, with no consideration for any of you... then they said sorry can we be friends once more on the same basis?

Would you open your arms and say "of course, come back and do it again?"

First post nailed it!

Sorry you’re going through this Op but please have more respect for yourself and your DCs - you deserve better!

Of course he will do it again.
He is only coming home because he is desperate.
Your poor daughters.
What an utter shit show for them to be witnessing.

You are making the classic mistake of shifting the blame on to the OW so you can square going back to him. This is his fault. He chose to cheat.

She owes you nothing. Be angry with him. Be angry he chose a woman like that over you and his daughters.

She was the OW.
Then you became the OW to her.
She said f@ck that and dumped him. She has seen him for what he is.
He is a piece of sh1t.
Now imagine there is 💩 in front of you - would you really fight for it? Or would you be disgusted by it and not touch it or let it touch you.
He did it for 2 years. He will do it again.
Show your DC they need to expect better - set your standards higher.
He has not come back because he loves you - he has come back because she dumped him, he's broke and has no other option- don't let him do this to you.

So a friend went through something similar they worked through it, about five years later he left again, suspected affair. They are divorced now and friend is alone, he has moved on with another woman who also has grown up children, the dates they met don’t add up hence suspected affair. Friend is still devastated and not moved on. I think it’s hard to trust again.

I'm very sorry to be brutal but I don't think it takes two years to find yourself, six months maybe but I don't think two years.

Oh god op please!! I don’t even know where to start convincing you that this is a terrible idea. Bin this using piece of shit and live your life with the integrity you deserve. I’d be fuming if you were my friend, at him more than anything but at you for being so gullible and submissive to this absolute loser. Bin the fantasy about who this guy is and start making decisions based on reality!

He was slowly coming back to you because things were getting less exciting and more domestic with the other woman. The novelty and excitement were fading, he was missing his home comforts, etc.

Knowing hes been lying anc cheating for two years is absolutely awful, but it's good you know. He's lied and deceived you and your kids all this time. If he'd not been threatened with her telling you I bet he'd never have come clean.

You cannot trust him op. Don't take him back.

He’s not sorry. He feels sorry for himself because he’s lost. He might be a great husband for a while but he’ll do it again. 2 years of an affair is disgraceful.

It hurts, of course it does, but you deserve more.

OP, grow a pair FGS. This last post has made me angry - aren’t you angry that he’s really upset your DC? I’d tell him to fuck off to the far side of the universe. He’s a dirty lying cheating scumbag with no feeling for you or your precious DC.

You love the man you thought he was but he isn't that man.

He's a liar and a cheat. You'd never be able to trust him again and the resentment you feel now will only grow.

Bin him off and move on.

Well the bastard was looking in the wrong place wasn’t he? In another woman.

While lying and stringing the OP along with his bullshit
I honestly despair that anyone could consider getting back with someone after all of this.
OP, its understandable that you want to turn the clock back to before this nightmare started and he revealed his true colours but there REALLY isn’t any way to unknow what you know and forgive such a huge, long betrayal

Don’t be “that” woman who can’t exist without her man. Except he wasn’t yours was he…not when he lied for 2 years not when he was shagging some other woman and not when he lied to your face until the truth came out. You are worth more than him. You don’t need him. You may want him still but those feelings will go away trust me

The only reason he wants to come back is so he can get his job back.

I think he has left out the real reasons the ow has dumped him and had overwhelmed you with too much detail and videos (wtf is he showing you those for?!) because he doesn’t want you to talk to her. He is still manipulating you by sharing this stuff with you in a pretence of baring his soul to you, but there is likely more to it. I also think it’s quite degrading to you giving you this information you don’t need to know.

I don’t know. I read a lot. There is no behaviour on the face of the earth that people haven’t got back together and stayed together afterwards, often apparently happily. If that’s what you want, do it. Nobody on here - including me - are the real people in your life.

I just hope you don’t feel that you have no other option.

Why are you blaming her??? You are not going to leave your husband clearly but he doesnt want you but he will crawl back and he will do it again i can promise you now shes dumped him he will be looking on dating apps or hook up sights and when he finds someone with a house he will leave you again, marriages end and yours has, he will leave you again i bet hes going on dates or hook ups already

There would be no coming back from this for me. But I would be out of love with him by the point you are at.

But I have a friend who went through the same thing. Over the course of three years he left her for one woman, that ended, he ended up with another woman, that ended, and now they are back together and they seem to be very happy again. Everyone around her was trying to support her through it, trying to encourage her to move past him, but when he did come back, despite everything she still wanted him in her life. This was about ten years ago. They both really put the work in to move past it.

But it doesn't always work. And you could end up going through this again.

You need to be really true to yourself, about what you want, what is best for you, and for your children.

You could take him back but what would you gain?
You still love him but knowing what a good liar he has been, could you ever trust him again? Would the lack of trust not simply eat away your love?

If you are thinking about this, perhaps you need him to 'work on himself' and stay out of your house until he is really remade. (2 years like his betrayal or a biblical 7 years of hard labour to earn back any right to approach you.)

Let him find his income again and work on what made him let all of you down so badly and take such foolish risks.

She clearly wants to eat his shit as long as he comes back,

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

No. He made his choice when he left you and his family. He doesn't get to simply waltz back in.

Say No.