My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

He only wants to come back because the affair is fizzled out. The grass wasn’t greener.

I know it hurts but you need to move forward with your life, learn to be together within the context of your daughters lives but not as a couple.

he has no and I mean 0 respect for you. Please show yourself the respect you deserve. It’ll suck and be hard but soon you will carve out a beautiful, happy life for yourself.

i think you could only consider taking him back if he agrees to marriage guidance counselling together before you allow him back. Only you know if you can face the rest of your life without him, possibly alone, and counselling will help you understand how you really feel. Take time to explore what you really think, talk to your children and then make your decision

You’re angry at the woman?!?

why?!?

you need to have a serious think about why your anger is so misplaced. If you can work it out, it might give you some insight as to why you’re desperate to have him back. Serious therapy time.

Be angry with HIM.

How could you ever trust him again after all his lies and deceit?

The sas loser only came clean because he had to. He has no job and hence comes crying and crawling back. Kick him into touch once and for all, I bet you see the real him then. That mask of his will slip right off.

Set a good example to your daughters and work on yourself too.

What he was doing was insinuating himself back into your house and life, like a slithering, slippery snake.

This makes me want to cry. I have been in the position (more than once!) where a man thought I was dumb and that he could play me. I was and they could. I had such low self esteem. And then I kind of grew up. No more.

Op, let people like me have had this awful experience so that you don’t have to. Every time you feel weak read this thread to boost your confidence.

Oh OP please don't take him back.

You take him back and here's what I predict.

He gets his feet back under the table, plays the adoring, devoted husband for a while and then asks you to approach your uncle to get his job back.

He walked out of the family home, he initiated the separation giving no reasons other than wanting to find himself (which is 99.9% of the time is code for wanting to shag other people). He does not decide to return. You have the power here. This man has seriously abused your love and trust - of course you feel confused. He hit you at your core, and you will need time to heal. Things will never be as they were before, his treachery put paid to that life. And you need time to grieve that loss.

I would tell him, you want some space to get your head together. You don't want contact with him for at least 30 days. Your DD's sound old enough to arrange time with him if they wish it. He doesn't come to the house, he doesn't call, email or text. Nothing, zilch, nada. During that time find a counsellor you feel comfortable with, to talk through what you want, truly want given you can't turn the clock backwards. After 30 days it may be you want another 30 days as your head still isn't clear. I would expect him to be doing some work on himself during this time as well. He does not get a free ride.

Try to keep your daughters out of this @Thescornedwife .

Like fuck is he doing this 'for the kids'! It's all for himself. He is as stupid as he is despicable. He genuinely thinks that he can betray you so totally with no qualms or guilt and then when things go tits up and he loses his job and the other woman doesn't want him any more, that he can just come back to you.

With every update he looks worse and worse. He and the OW worked for your relative's business so he kept it in the family didn't he? I bet there was an extra frisson when he had sex at work.

Please find your anger and tell him to fuck right off.

I agree with the responses saying HE needs therapy. He can live elsewhere and seperately while HE goes to therapy and sorts his life out.

You can love someone who has betrayed you. It doesn’t mean though that you have to let him pretend to love you.

OP you need to let him go. I’m sorry that this has happened to you. It is the ultimate betrayal and the best you can do for yourself is to work your way through the rest of your life without him. You have one life and you cannot spend it living with someone you cannot trust. Make the most of the bad hand he has dealt you and let the rest of your life be the best of your life. Set an example to your children and do not accept second best, which is what you will be if you take him back.

The only counselling that needs to go on here is for yourself, alone, to work on your self esteem and help you to adjust to your new life without him.

Doesn't matter that you've been together since you were teens, life doesn't stay the same. There are chapters and seasons of life, and the next one might be a tough one for you, but its something you have to go through. Taking him back so that you temporarily don't feel this pain anymore isn't going to help in the long term. You need to embrace the pain - feel all of the feelings. Lean into the pain and use the support of friends / family to get you through this. Start a new hobby. Get exercise. Go on a few trips by yourself and get some perspective from the wider world - he is not the centre of your universe. He is not the person who can make you feel better.

Sorry I just read the rest of your comments. He said he loved her. He shagged you then went back and shagged her. If you take him back you might as well don your red handmaids tale cloak and look at the floor like a good meek wife for the rest of your life: god what a lesson for those teenage girls… awful. And that’s on him but not on you.
can you imagine one of your girls coming home and listing everything you just said “he’s been sending videos of him masturbating to her” he’s been sleeping with both of us” “ he said he loves her and was just using me” would you in good conscience tell your daughter to consider getting back with a man like that because he cried and said sorry. Really would you?

remember a man can love his kids and be a good dad but still be a terrible partner

The thing is, the initial honeymoon period, frisson of high energy ‘love’ lasts 18 months to 2 years. Then reality sets in, people can see the other person has faults.

Thats why second marriages often tank at about 18 months to 2 year, especially if it has been after an affair.

Thats why a lot of relationships burn out at this point.

He got to experiment this ‘honeymoon’ time with the other woman, while keeping you in the dark, he had his cake and ate it for 2 full years. I bet if you asked him he would say what a torturous time this was for him!!

Now he has past that ‘limerent’ state of infatuation, he has realised that he actually had a better deal with you.

I would take that as a compliment but also, can you really trust him after 3 things have become apparent:
he is a lier
he put your health at risk
he puts himself first

Take your time. Take 2 years to decide if you need to. You don’t have to make any decisions today. Get some therapy. Build yourself back up x x

No no no he is not wanting back for the right reasons, you may love him but who actually is he? Not the man you thought you were married to that's for sure. This will truly mess with your head please start to heal on your own you will get through this.

I’m sorry OP. I have a friend who had an affair lasting a couple of years. She took him back and 15 years later she says they are happier than ever. I hope things work out well for you.

You love the man you thought he was. He isn't that man. I dare say he never was

He's a weak man who doesn't have the strength to uphold the vows he made to you on your wedding day.
Do you really want that weak man in your life?

Unfortunately it's pointless taking him back now you know what he has done because you will never, ever trust him again and it will turn you into a suspicious, deranged person you hardly recognise. Please stay firm on this, don't let him back into your house. It won't ever be the same again, he has ruined everything. I could possibly forgive a one night stand and know a couple who have stayed together after a brief fling but this is a new level of deceit that I don't believe can be recovered from.

Consider your daughters. They may WANT you to take him back - because they've fallen for the fakery.

They may pressurise, wheedle, beg, sulk at you etc. All the armoury to get what they think they want. Be a family again.

But what they NEED is different, and as their mother you have a duty to meet their needs, not cave in to their and his wants.

Separate the two out.

Understand with kindness and compassion that the girls want what they thought you all had.

And convey to them that though you understand, this was all an illusion, a lie.

If you take him back you'll be role modelling to girls at a vulnerable age in a time where women's rights are being attacked that men can do whatever they like - and women have to be kind. Be nice. Shut up, shove up, put up.

And they would see played out in front of them an angry, resentful, suspicious, stressed mother and a father whose respect for women is non existent. Staying together 'for the sake of the children'.

An unhealthy and difficult atmosphere that they will probably get the hell out of as soon as they're old enough.

My nieces went to live with their shitty boyfriends' families when they were sixteen. Partly to get away.

Create the home you want for you and your girls with him as a separate but reasonably nearby detached part of their lives.

And beware the 'could we make Sunday lunch at yours a regular family thing ...? Could I stay over on the sofa as it's quite late? Could I leave a bag here for next time?' Stealth move-in.

I think you deserve so much better OP. Being a single parent is really hard and going through a divorce is horrendous but I think staying with someone who could do that to you is worse. I think in the long term you would be happier on your own. You can build your own life and potentially meet someone new. It is scary as you have been with your husband for a long time but you really deserve someone who treats you much better.

It must be very hard for you. But do you honestly think he would be coming back if they hadn’t split up and he hadn’t lost his job?

you deserve more than to be someone’s back up plan.

He's had two years of lying, cheating and generally betraying you; you can hardly be expected to process all of that in a few days. He's had space, now you need yours. He has to find somewhere else to live while you consider your options; the advice when bereaved is to make no major decisions for a while and I think the same applies in your situation.

If you take him back, how could you respect yourself? How desperate does someone need to be to accept this level of disrespect?