My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

No. Absolutely not. Your future self will thank you even though it’s incredibly hard now

I agree with this... You need time to process this. Sorry you are going through this.

He's known about it all for two years and has had plenty of time to make his decisions. Watched his children being hurt by this and decided that his wants were more important.

You've only just found out the whole story and all the details, which you've said are hard to forget. He has lied to your face, again and again. You probably had some inkling that it wasn't all well, but you gave him the benefit of the doubt, because you had faith in him. He took that faith for lack of intelligence and thought he could make you believe anything he chose because he thought he was so clever to get away with it. To have his cake and eat it. That wasn't an accident. He chose to do that - over a period of two years. I don't think he can undo that. It's likely that he's still lying to you, spinning some sympathy generating yarn.

Just because he says jump. You don't have to jump. You can take your time to process this. He's at his parents so he's got somewhere to stay. He's not on the streets. He can get another job. He shouldn't be playing for sympathy... how much sympathy has he had for you and his children for the last two years. You need time to think this through on your own without him trying to influence your decision, frequently calling to the house to try to plead with you, petitioning your teenage children to encourage them to plead with you, to sway you that everything can go back to what it was.

Talk it through yourself with counsellors, without him being present so that you have some unbiased support. Really think about what real long term advantage for you there would be in taking him back after such a breach of trust. Not a brief, but foolish fling, which is bad enough but could possibly be classed as a moment of madness, but a full blown two year affair.

He still looks and sounds like the person you loved and trusted for so many years which is why it is so compelling to think its possible. But his personality behind that face has changed. That person doesn't exist anymore.

It would be wonderful to turn the clock back to the person he was before all of this, before you and your children had been through all this pain all the conscious daily lies.

But it will never be possible to do that. The relationship has fundamentally changed. You can only rely on your own thoughts and feelings and judgement to decide what future you want to have and whether you would be content with whatever new relationship could be built.

It's your decision. If you want to spend your life with him and can handle knowing he may do it again then that's your choice to make.
If it's going to mean years of you arguing, anxious every time he goes to work or out, desperately hoping he won't cheat again, then it won't work.

It’s surreal that I was living with someone who was so involved with someone else. In hindsight I knew something wasn’t right but you ask and they say there’s nothing. When he left I asked if there was someone else multiple times and he said no there wasn’t right to my face, and to our daughters faces.

I wouldn’t believe a word of it. He’s told so many massive lies already.

"He was being affectionate again and coming to the house more and more. I’m not sure what that means either."

OP, I'm going to lay this brutally on the line. He isn't sorry and he doesn't love you. The only thing he is sorry for is himself, 100%. He's fucked up royally and now wants to return to all his old home comforts and pretend nothing happened. He's had a couple of years of sticking his dick elsewhere and now it suits him just fine to come back to his comfy old pair of slippers (you) and carry on as normal. You might as roll over and eat his shit if you're going to take this unemployed, cheating scumbag back. How low do you want to sink, especially in front of 2 daughters?

Everytime you weaken remember that he went somewhere in your family home , rubbed himself til he got hard and then sent a picture of his cock to her.

No. Just no. I could never get over this.

I know a couple from work who were in the sort of situation. He had a very intense affair with a work colleague for two years, it was pretty much an open secret at work. They even hired a flat near the workplace so they could "meet" at lunchtime and after work. She then left her husband. He and his wife decided to stay together but make it an open marriage. That was 20 years ago and they are still together, happily as far as you can tell from the outside. I don't think they have a sexual relationship any more (they live in separate houses on the same property) and the marriage appears to still be "open" (the wife often travels to another country to meet at least one of her lovers).

I would only take him back if that is the sort of scenario you want. He isn't going to stop cheating.

Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhh

The sidecunt has dumped him.

He's lost her, his job, his home, his reputation, his marriage, your and probably his parents' good opinion

There is no man so loving, persuasive, etc as the man who needs somewhere to live.

This is love bombing time, designed to push your buttons by temporarily supplying what you still crave, as a means to an end. This is emotionally abusive behaviour, targeting you where you are most vulnerable.

He has temporarily strapped the slipped mask back on, the one you and your daughters believed, loved, wanted to be real. He's now capering around in front of you all, holding it in front of his real face chanting 'See? No don't look under the mask - the mask is meeeeee ... '

Have you ever seen Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - the Childcatcher in disguise, then revealing himself?

Because what lies beneath is the real thing, and no matter how much you WANT to believe the disguise - It. Is. Not. Real.

For your children, though, it may be enough. I'm sorry, you're going to have to be the strong one, the difficult one. The one who says No - to them all.

He was never a 'good father'

A good father is a man with loyalty, fidelity, morality, trustworthiness, compassion, kindness to his WHOLE family.

A good father doesnt lie, cheat, deceive, insult, humiliate the mother of his children while fucking some thieving bitch who knew what she was destroying, while he was playing nice to the kids to get them on his side, or doing his actual duty of sharing the childcare, or whatever it was you're clinging on to. That was divisive, manipulative behaviour in itself, separating you from your children's attitude to him. Isolating you.

You may not have bruises and broken bones. But your mind has been battered and hurt.

Don't agree to couples counselling. It's another of his mindfucks. Instead, invest in some therapy for yourself, to help you heal from what he did to you.

If you take him back, much as you desperately want to, you'll never be able to trust him, because you know what's under the mask, what he really is. Anxiety, suspicion will haunt you and leave you in a constant state of worry. What if...?

And the shitty thing is, if he manages to keep the mask up, you'll then appear to be the crazy one to your children, family and friends. 'I'm rather worried about her,
we went through a difficult patch recently but we're good now but honestly her behaviour is starting to worry me and the children ...'

Get the therapy. Heal and find yourself and build a home for yourself and children.

Say No. He needs to get a job, meet his support duties, find a flat and create his own relationship with the children. One that doesn't involve manipulating and abusing you.

Of course he was! He's trying to worm his way back in. Don't fall for it!

No way. He has made his bed. Get some therapy and move on with your life.

You now need to find your inner anger at what he's done.

He betrayed you and has destroyed your marriage.
He destroyed his children's lives and their relationship with him.
He took advantage of your family members whose business he worked for, and who had given him a lucrative career.
He has wrecked any chance of you ever trusting him again.

All so he could shag another woman on the side, and which has now gone tits up.

Never mind what he wants now. Who cares that all of a sudden he's realised which side his bread is buttered, and he wants to come back home? Who cares that he wants joint counselling (largely in order to coerce you into forgiving him)?

What do YOU want? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who did what he did to you? Someone who betrayed you so badly?

Only you know the answer to that one, and perhaps counselling is a very good idea, but only for yourself, not together.

Well it was worse than that because he finished in that particular video, my god it pained me to write that

He told her he loved her on text after I found out about the affair and then told her he wasn’t playing both sides he was playing me “for the kids”

No, just no. Have some self respect.
She's probably found out what a twat he is and dumped him so he's come crawling back.

And find your anger and self respect OP. He deserves everything he is getting now that the shit has hit the fan. Don’t let your teenage girls think this is in any way acceptable behaviour from a partner or spouse. He blew your family apart and now wants to come crawling back. Fuck him.

Your answer is in that last sentence. All of you he betrayed and lied to.

So he tricked you into that, too 👹

Sorry OP, you can never trust a man like this at all. His pea-brain can only consider himself, or more accurately, his dick.

You would be insane to take him back. Imagine the message that sends to him and your daughter. He will do it again. You’ll have basically given him permission to treat you like shit and you’ll just take it.

God no. He's only back because he got caught. Why on earth would you debase yourself to that degree?

My ex did this. Had an affair but when he realised he would have to live with her son, he came back. He had been under the impression her DH was taking the DS in the split. I had bought him out and it was all settled by then.

I told him to get to fuck!

So sorry OP, how awful.

This wasn't a one off occasion (which I wouldn’t forgive either), it was a premeditated plan.

One thing I’ve learned is these people always get their karma. One I know a couple of days got a spectacular karma after putting my friend (his wife) through years of turmoil.

I would speak to a solicitor and make divorce proceedings asap. Make sure to get a clean break order to stop this letch getting any of your money in the future. His mistress can fund him.

OP a ceramic vase can be pieced together if it's smashed - but the cracks will always show, it's a much weaker structure and it will lose most of its value.

That's what your ongoing marriage would be.

Don't bother glueing it together. Sweep up the bits and put it where it belongs.

Op, you’ve had good advice on here and just thought I’d list some points of my own as well (from someone who has been there)

1. he is not a good dad, he actively put your family, health and stability at risk just to get his dick wet.
2. do not get drawn into the ‘poor me’ dialogue he will have, reality has kicked in and he knows he still has to pay mortgage and child support whilst living in mummy’s back bedroom (does she know?)
3. what you do now shows your children how they should expect to be treated. Do better for them.
4. if he loved you he wouldn’t have cheated.
5. he is being nice until you cave. You’ll feed him, keep a roof over his head and still love him. He has not changed. You know this.

sending you unmumsnet hugs.

He told her he loved her on text after I found out about the affair and then told her he wasn’t playing both sides he was playing me “for the kids”

This tells you everything.

As for your uncle - your husband is so arrogant he thought he wouldn't get caught. He thinks he's something special - he thinks he's the one who makes decisions, not anyone else.

I'm so glad they caught him and fired him.

You probably won't be able to forget what he did. It will colour all your experiences with him.

The only reason I can see why you might want to stay together would be for the children. And will they not pick up on your feelings ? It's up to you Op. Will be hard to ignore the memories. Might be possible if you are sure it's for a good reason