Long post. Sorry.
Husband and I are around our 40s and have been married for nearly 10 years now. In the past 10 years we have bought our own home, filled it not just with love but with two children and a dog. Which is not to say it has been easy… It has not been, on my end at least, for about a year.
Let me allow you a bit more background: hubby and I share the same workplace, though we are employed there in different positions. I only see him around lunchtime, which we – usually – spend together. About a year ago, our workplace hired someone new. I will refer to her as Girl. Girl is twenty-four and works closely with husband. Exactly how would give too much away, but they often work as a team. Initially, husband didn't like the idea of Girl assisting him in his work, because 1) she is quite a bit younger than we are, which, in our experience, often leads to different attitudes and therefore disagreement, and 2) she is freshly graduated, and, as such, not a very experienced professional.
His opinion of Girl changed rather quickly. I found this positive, as the idea of Girl working alongside him had previously caused some stress. Husband informed me that Girl made a favourable first impression, both on the people he works with and on him. I myself have of course already met Girl. Girl is friendly, creative, gentle. Impassioned about the work she does. I understood immediately how come hubby and Girl got along swimmingly.
Since Girl has started her job at our workplace, I have noticed, a couple of changes have emerged in the relationship between hubby and me. The most evident of them all is that hubby spends a lot of time with Girl. He doesn't say it like this, of course. But I know he works overtime, sometimes multiple days in the week, on projects he undertakes with Girl to innovate. ‘Breathing new life into old ideas’. OK, honey. Then, there is our lunch breaks! We would enjoy these together, before. These moments I look forward to throughout the morning have had to make way more than once for “work stuff”. Code, of course, for “creative brainstorming” with Girl. He never mentions he is doing this work stuff with her; this is what alerted me in the first place. Why does he feel the need to leave out Girl when he tells me he can’t spend his lunch break with me?
I have asked him about this, by the way. I appreciate forthright communication and he has always done the same. His answer was pretty clear: he presumed I knew, since his job is basically a shared position, now, and presumed as well that I did not care. I told him that I don’t, but that I feel a bit strange about his total silence about Girl in this “work stuff”. We had a good, honest conversation about it, I thought, and so I thought that was the end of my paranoiac suspicions about him and Girl. Why was I worried, anyway? Hubby likes his women blonde and skinny. Girl is dark haired and somewhat on the chubby side. NOT his type. He has made (lighthearted) jokes about her figure. So, NO reason to fret. Right?
Some time on from this valuable conversation, Girl and hubby continue to be “work pals”. Since Girl lives closeby, on the mornings he is not the one to bring our kids to school, hubby picks her up in the early morning and they carpool to work together. This decision was not made by us both. One morning, hubby just told me he felt it would be a good thing to do. I asked “why?”. She can drive, after all, she has her own car. He said it just felt like a nice thing to do. OK, honey. So Girl and him do not just spend many lunchbreaks together, but they drive to work together, as well. Again I had a conversation with hubby about his relationship with Girl. I named it for what it was in my eyes, a relationship. I asked him if it didn’t feel strange, to somehow connect so well with a woman more than ten years his (our) junior. At this he seemed mildly ticked off. He expressed that he found it ‘difficult’ that I was suspicious of this work relationship, since he has not always been lucky to have pleasant co-workers; I said I was not suspicious, maybe a bit worried, since so much of his time and thoughts are shared with Girl. Eventually we agreed on a boundary, being that outside of school, he would limit his communication with Girl, as they were certainly crossing into close friendship territory as opposed to close colleague territory.
He agreed. Communication, however, has not ceased. It did for a little while, I think, but I am aware they speak on Facebook and message back and forth. Which in and of itself I find deeply appropriate for a late 30s father and a mid 20s single woman. So… I may or may not have snooped a week or two ago to see just what these messages contain. All in all the entire chat log was innocent. Back and forth about everything and nothing. Something in me, though, reads all of it as two people falling in love? I can’t quite put my finger on it. Mocking teasing, sending one another photo’s of “thing that reminded me of you today while I was shopping!”, juvenile memes I don’t understand but he seems to like. I also found out hubby has bought her a gift on occasion (one time, a set of books; another time, a necklace with the initial of her name). Why does he do this? Why doesn’t he tell me he does this?
Since this I have been living in this weird state of being torn between two roads. I do trust husband. He has never given me any reason to suspect him of infidelity. Out of everyone I know, hubby would be the last I would think is capable of lying, cheating, etc. And yet, on the other road there is the strange reality that we have grown a bit more distant. We are a good couple and good parents to our kids as we have been but I can’t say things haven’t cooled down in certain departments of our relationship. Barely any dates. Sex is… something that happens maybe once a month.
I hope this Bible I wrote paints a somewhat clear picture for you to be able to answer this post's title. Is hubby having an emotional affair? If this goes on, will he cheat? It's a tough spot to be in, I hope some other perspectives or perhaps even experiences from other women will help me recognize just what position I am in. Or, well, what to expect. Ask me any questions if you would like to know more. I am an open book and sort of desperate, I'll admit.
Thank you in advance!