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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and sex demands

164 replies

Mumof2andacrazydog · 24/10/2025 10:31

My husband has always had high sex drive since we met at 16. Way more than me. It has caused lots of fall outs over the years as I hear a lot about “his needs” he’s very selfish with his demands and will not open his eyes to see the bigger picture. Things like, coming in from work, bad mood, no conversation & then thinking at bedtime I want to jump on him. Holiday abroad in room next to teenagers with a sliding door & he expects to have full flow sex the minute the door shuts. he didn’t speak to me on holiday for 5 days because I refused his demands.
At home, the teenagers in room next door and he just doesn’t care as it’s all about him.
That is just a snippet of it.
In the last few months I have had no interest in sex whatsoever. I’m guessing perimenopause has kicked in going by other things, but I honestly have no interest. The minute I get to bed, he has no interest in a cuddle, it’s just poking/prodding/hands down my pjs instantly. I can’t cope with that & it ends in a fall out as he says I never want to do anything etc. I turned over the other morning and was actually still dozing & he was groping me saying let
me tease you. It would be ok if he’d actually cuddle or be nice but he’s no interest in that, he thinks been nice and showing interest is sex. He says his needs are more than once or twice a month. I say nothing now because he doesn’t listen and he doesn’t see my side ever. He just goes in a mood and doesn’t speak to me.
I know there’s not much advice anyone can give but really just wondered if anyone else is in a similar situation and how do you handle it. Thank you x

OP posts:
abracadabra1980 · 26/10/2025 22:25

Been married twice and both exH’s made me feel like shit about not wanting sex as much as them. Second not as bad as first but tbh I’m so relieved now that they’ve now fucked off out of my life and I can live in peace with my Ddogs and cats - who knew life could be so peaceful. OP-it’s very unlikely your marriage will last in this scenario but I wish you the best of luck dealing with it.

ForTipsyFinch · 27/10/2025 06:36

Jokerwithagin · 24/10/2025 12:57

I don't have anything to offer that hasn't already been said, OP, and I wish you the best.

But curious to hear from others - (and without hijacking the post) where is the line between DH/DP's intimacy needs being met, or them being unreasonable with their needs?

Drives can change throughout the years, and one partner may need sexual intimacy to feel loved and connected, whilst the other might need this less and be actively put off sexual intimacy due to hormones, stress levels or other factors.

Is it reasonable to expect one partner to compromise? What is the line between give and take? One partner may be disappointed that they do not get the sexual intimacy they need. The other partner may be disappointed to have to engage in intercourse when they don't feel like it. Both are damaging. Is separation always the answer?

If someone doesn’t want to have sex, that has to be respected in every instance - if it gets to the point where it’s being tolerated, what type of man would want anything but active consent and engagement? It is normal for sex drives to fluctuate, and being in a relationship doesn’t equal an automatic right to sex. If there is a long term incompatibility, then that would need to be addressed.

TheIcyDarkness · 16/11/2025 19:26

Mumof2andacrazydog · 24/10/2025 10:31

My husband has always had high sex drive since we met at 16. Way more than me. It has caused lots of fall outs over the years as I hear a lot about “his needs” he’s very selfish with his demands and will not open his eyes to see the bigger picture. Things like, coming in from work, bad mood, no conversation & then thinking at bedtime I want to jump on him. Holiday abroad in room next to teenagers with a sliding door & he expects to have full flow sex the minute the door shuts. he didn’t speak to me on holiday for 5 days because I refused his demands.
At home, the teenagers in room next door and he just doesn’t care as it’s all about him.
That is just a snippet of it.
In the last few months I have had no interest in sex whatsoever. I’m guessing perimenopause has kicked in going by other things, but I honestly have no interest. The minute I get to bed, he has no interest in a cuddle, it’s just poking/prodding/hands down my pjs instantly. I can’t cope with that & it ends in a fall out as he says I never want to do anything etc. I turned over the other morning and was actually still dozing & he was groping me saying let
me tease you. It would be ok if he’d actually cuddle or be nice but he’s no interest in that, he thinks been nice and showing interest is sex. He says his needs are more than once or twice a month. I say nothing now because he doesn’t listen and he doesn’t see my side ever. He just goes in a mood and doesn’t speak to me.
I know there’s not much advice anyone can give but really just wondered if anyone else is in a similar situation and how do you handle it. Thank you x

Hi - as you said "My husband has always had high sex drive since we met at 16." would is therefore be true to assume this has always been the case and that in the beginning you both were happy? Then things have changed over the years and you are now miles apart? He has over stepped the mark considerably in his approach to dealing with this but it doesn't mean his desires are any more or less important that you lack of desire. I am in a similar situation and the choices I face are just ignore my desires or move on from the relationship (but I don't behave as your DH does (well most of the time anyway). It's as simple as that really - I've made my choice as we are going our separate ways soon - no one is shouting at each other and we have worked out what's best financially. There isn't any body else involved either. It just hasn't worked out in this department and this was a deal breaker for me.

Littlemrsconfetti · 16/11/2025 20:11

I agree with you and think your take is @TheIcyDarkness interesting. I think the majority of women often dont want sex as often as men. I do think there has to be some sort of middle ground like you say. I know it will be unpopular on MN though.

AllThisTime · 16/11/2025 20:24

TheIcyDarkness · 16/11/2025 19:26

Hi - as you said "My husband has always had high sex drive since we met at 16." would is therefore be true to assume this has always been the case and that in the beginning you both were happy? Then things have changed over the years and you are now miles apart? He has over stepped the mark considerably in his approach to dealing with this but it doesn't mean his desires are any more or less important that you lack of desire. I am in a similar situation and the choices I face are just ignore my desires or move on from the relationship (but I don't behave as your DH does (well most of the time anyway). It's as simple as that really - I've made my choice as we are going our separate ways soon - no one is shouting at each other and we have worked out what's best financially. There isn't any body else involved either. It just hasn't worked out in this department and this was a deal breaker for me.

Show quote history

Ridiculous. With things like work and kids, even if the desire stayed, the opportunities to have sex would be less. His ‘desires’ become outrageous when he wants to live as though he doesn’t have kids and teens and has a wife dealing with menopause. And his attitude towards sex is horrendous. FFS.

And you only don’t behave like OPs husband most of the time? So you do some of the time? I’m glad your partner will be free of you.

TheIcyDarkness · 16/11/2025 23:55

AllThisTime · 16/11/2025 20:24

Ridiculous. With things like work and kids, even if the desire stayed, the opportunities to have sex would be less. His ‘desires’ become outrageous when he wants to live as though he doesn’t have kids and teens and has a wife dealing with menopause. And his attitude towards sex is horrendous. FFS.

And you only don’t behave like OPs husband most of the time? So you do some of the time? I’m glad your partner will be free of you.

Show quote history

Hmm, I am referring to those times when there IS an opportunity - you don't have to have sex to demonstrate your desire for someone - that's what keeps things alive IMHO. I agree his attitude stinks - and I am guilty occasionally of letting my frustrations spill over despite my best efforts. I think it's all about the attitude in this case that's the issue - if you say "I cba" then what do folks honestly expect their other half to think? Sorry @abracadabra1980 for singling you out - but given this scenario has happened twice for you - would you say that in both cases you were in sync then as time went on you became the LL and they stayed the HL - as that's what I am referring to - the change and what our attitude is in trying to cope with it. Yes, change may be beyond our control, but I think it's unfair to expect people to just accept it without a murmur. You can say that "you understand" etc. all day long but (for example) when you see a TV sex scene - then who isn't going to think to themselves "I wish we still were like that".

My partner doesn't view things as "being free of me" though - they have accepted that we want different things - and it took a long time to get there - but I think there was the assumption that we would both feel the same things and exactly the same time from both of us - and that just isn't the case.

Donttellempike · 16/11/2025 23:58

Mumof2andacrazydog · 24/10/2025 10:31

My husband has always had high sex drive since we met at 16. Way more than me. It has caused lots of fall outs over the years as I hear a lot about “his needs” he’s very selfish with his demands and will not open his eyes to see the bigger picture. Things like, coming in from work, bad mood, no conversation & then thinking at bedtime I want to jump on him. Holiday abroad in room next to teenagers with a sliding door & he expects to have full flow sex the minute the door shuts. he didn’t speak to me on holiday for 5 days because I refused his demands.
At home, the teenagers in room next door and he just doesn’t care as it’s all about him.
That is just a snippet of it.
In the last few months I have had no interest in sex whatsoever. I’m guessing perimenopause has kicked in going by other things, but I honestly have no interest. The minute I get to bed, he has no interest in a cuddle, it’s just poking/prodding/hands down my pjs instantly. I can’t cope with that & it ends in a fall out as he says I never want to do anything etc. I turned over the other morning and was actually still dozing & he was groping me saying let
me tease you. It would be ok if he’d actually cuddle or be nice but he’s no interest in that, he thinks been nice and showing interest is sex. He says his needs are more than once or twice a month. I say nothing now because he doesn’t listen and he doesn’t see my side ever. He just goes in a mood and doesn’t speak to me.
I know there’s not much advice anyone can give but really just wondered if anyone else is in a similar situation and how do you handle it. Thank you x

I was. And I left.

Hes a selfish arse and you are not his sex toy. You don’t want to have sex with him because he treats you like crap

Donttellempike · 17/11/2025 00:04

TheIcyDarkness · 16/11/2025 23:55

Hmm, I am referring to those times when there IS an opportunity - you don't have to have sex to demonstrate your desire for someone - that's what keeps things alive IMHO. I agree his attitude stinks - and I am guilty occasionally of letting my frustrations spill over despite my best efforts. I think it's all about the attitude in this case that's the issue - if you say "I cba" then what do folks honestly expect their other half to think? Sorry @abracadabra1980 for singling you out - but given this scenario has happened twice for you - would you say that in both cases you were in sync then as time went on you became the LL and they stayed the HL - as that's what I am referring to - the change and what our attitude is in trying to cope with it. Yes, change may be beyond our control, but I think it's unfair to expect people to just accept it without a murmur. You can say that "you understand" etc. all day long but (for example) when you see a TV sex scene - then who isn't going to think to themselves "I wish we still were like that".

My partner doesn't view things as "being free of me" though - they have accepted that we want different things - and it took a long time to get there - but I think there was the assumption that we would both feel the same things and exactly the same time from both of us - and that just isn't the case.

Show quote history

Yes. That’s what she telling you 🙄

TheIcyDarkness · 17/11/2025 00:16

Donttellempike · 17/11/2025 00:04

Yes. That’s what she telling you 🙄

Show quote history

Not sure what you mean (being dim and few too many glasses of wine)? She would prefer we stayed together - but after many years of discussion we have decided to part - but that has always (and still is) instigated my me. She is happy with our (!) sex life - I am not - that's is an issue regardless of those who think it isn't FOR ME.

Donttellempike · 17/11/2025 00:23

TheIcyDarkness · 17/11/2025 00:16

Not sure what you mean (being dim and few too many glasses of wine)? She would prefer we stayed together - but after many years of discussion we have decided to part - but that has always (and still is) instigated my me. She is happy with our (!) sex life - I am not - that's is an issue regardless of those who think it isn't FOR ME.

Show quote history

The OP is being abused.Try reading the room

NumbersGuy · 17/11/2025 03:44

Well thanks to all of the facts in this thread that men are just sexual animals and nothing can be even closely compared to with women in the UK. Or can it? Below is a link from a dating website for cheaters (survey done in '23), used nearly as often by women as by men. It's always promising that posters who are called out on these rogues, they never seem to want to do anything but admit that it goes both ways. It's always more likely when people fail to deal with their sexual incompatibility but not admit the issue that people drift apart for a variety of reasons. How many would even admit to cheating due to wanting to satisfy needs their partner can't fulfill, male or female, but you never hear so many people lump an entire gender as being inhumane to a partner simply because misery loves company.

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AquaForce · 17/11/2025 05:58

NumbersGuy · 17/11/2025 03:44

Well thanks to all of the facts in this thread that men are just sexual animals and nothing can be even closely compared to with women in the UK. Or can it? Below is a link from a dating website for cheaters (survey done in '23), used nearly as often by women as by men. It's always promising that posters who are called out on these rogues, they never seem to want to do anything but admit that it goes both ways. It's always more likely when people fail to deal with their sexual incompatibility but not admit the issue that people drift apart for a variety of reasons. How many would even admit to cheating due to wanting to satisfy needs their partner can't fulfill, male or female, but you never hear so many people lump an entire gender as being inhumane to a partner simply because misery loves company.

How Common is Cheating in the UK?

The thread is about men sexually assaulting and raping their partners. It is about abusive, coercive behaviours that are illegal in the UK, It is about men who manage 'sexual incompatibility' with aggression and punishment. Women end up hollowed out by the core in these relationships.

Deflecting with this irrelevant pop psychology article serves only to out you as an interloping man bot who brings nothing to the discussion.

Thanks for stopping by........

FinallyHere · 17/11/2025 08:33

How many of these women who ‘loose interest in sex ‘ have partners who willingly pull their weight in household and family effort, physically, emotionally and mentally ? Whose treatment of their partnerships consistently respectful, who actively list to what their partner needs and are happy to meet those needs ? Who are happy and comfortable in the relationship and for whom turn about seems the only fair way for orgasm.

it seems to me that some men, particularly those who complain about not getting their sexual needs met have a very different model of life together. Happy for women to pick up the lions share of domestic chores in the house and the family , and see no connection between the resentfulness that that breeds and the women’s lack of interest in intimacy. Especially when the man is completely focused on his own needs and has little interest in anything that does not directly support him.

imagine a world where men to see the connect between these and act upon that knowledge. Imagine what a different place the world would be.

GuyForksAndKnives · 17/11/2025 09:06

MakeMineADietCoke · 24/10/2025 10:46

He’s not going to change because he doesn’t think there’s a problem.

Him touching and groping you when you’ve shown absolutely no interest and/or said no is assault. Him giving you the silent treatment when you’ve say no is abuse. Him using abuse to try and make you give in is coercion. If you give in and have sex to make him leave you alone or agree to sex to avoid negative consequences then you aren’t really consenting. Rape doesn’t have to be violent to be rape.

This is what happened to me for years. I thought I was the one in the wrong because sex is a part of a relationship and I was being unfair. He was regularly verbally abusive and blamed lack of sex and my selfishness for making him abusive, in fact he said I abused him and was cold and unfeeling. I couldn't understand why I didn't want sex. He couldn't either. He said he didn't smell and wasn't a slob so why not?!

We didn't have children and he did more than his fair share of domestic stuff so it's a puzzle.

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