Husband and sex demands

[Mumof2andacrazydog]

My husband has always had high sex drive since we met at 16. Way more than me. It has caused lots of fall outs over the years as I hear a lot about “his needs” he’s very selfish with his demands and will not open his eyes to see the bigger picture. Things like, coming in from work, bad mood, no conversation & then thinking at bedtime I want to jump on him. Holiday abroad in room next to teenagers with a sliding door & he expects to have full flow sex the minute the door shuts. he didn’t speak to me on holiday for 5 days because I refused his demands.
At home, the teenagers in room next door and he just doesn’t care as it’s all about him.
That is just a snippet of it.
In the last few months I have had no interest in sex whatsoever. I’m guessing perimenopause has kicked in going by other things, but I honestly have no interest. The minute I get to bed, he has no interest in a cuddle, it’s just poking/prodding/hands down my pjs instantly. I can’t cope with that & it ends in a fall out as he says I never want to do anything etc. I turned over the other morning and was actually still dozing & he was groping me saying let
me tease you. It would be ok if he’d actually cuddle or be nice but he’s no interest in that, he thinks been nice and showing interest is sex. He says his needs are more than once or twice a month. I say nothing now because he doesn’t listen and he doesn’t see my side ever. He just goes in a mood and doesn’t speak to me.
I know there’s not much advice anyone can give but really just wondered if anyone else is in a similar situation and how do you handle it. Thank you x

If the answer is ‘yes’ I don’t want to lose what I have .. then your only answer is to ‘close your eyes and think of Britain’ as the saying goes … or fuck him off and go it alone .

Closing eyes and thinking of Britain isn't acceptable to him though.

Not that should ever be something to consider. It's not worth it..

You see .. despite being a very old woman who ‘burned her bra’ and lived in a tree at Greenham common for the feminist cause .. (and world peace 🙄) I would heartily disagree .. with the benefit of hindsight would I rather not of put my kids through a decade of moving house every other weekend .. working full time with 4 kids one of which was ND … helping them through the acceptance of their rather fabulous step mother… when for the sake of having sex with someone I actually loved but was just too meh to do it with ?
Instead I got a bed to myself.. but have to get out of it every day until I’m 67 to work in a mw job … whilst aforementioned fabulous SM floats around at 61 having retired and enjoys a seemingly idyllic life with a man who was actually quite good at sex .. had I been interested..

This is so gross and wrong is so many ways.

id rather have to downgrade my house, my car, my way of living and everything else so i didnt have to sell my soul and have sex with someone i didnt want to when I didnt want to.

Don't tolerate this. Leave him, this is grim.

Let’s just hope everyone making this decision is either married and can make a claim on their ex’s pension and/or you have your own pension and never took a dip on income during pregnancy..
morally you are absolutely right
financially and in reality without the above - you are very very foolish..

You're projecting.

If you read the OPs posts you'll see it's different.

I have quite a high sex drive. His behaviour would be an absolute massive turn off for me. Being grumpy all evening then demanding sex? No chance. It also sounds like he’s genuinely rubbish at it as well. Foreplay for me starts a lot earlier than sex! By being a desirable person… being nice to be with… being interested in you… making sure you have a fab experience… none of which sounds like they’re on his priority list?

I’d suggest choosing a neutral time and explain this all clearly to him over a cup of coffee… it sounds like he might genuinely be clueless.

Maybe go to couples counselling and discuss this?

When you do have sex, is he a decent lover? Do you orgasm? Does he care about your pleasure or just dump his orgasm in you?

Leave. He is an abusive vile POS, you do know him doing anything without your full consent is sexual assault right. Run.

His behaviour is sexual assault, no amount of counselling is going to excuse or justify that.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I wouldn’t care if he was amazing in bed - if everything else about his behaviour relating to sex and expectations was shit- his technique and prowess would mean jack shit and I don’t think I’m unique in thinking that way

I certainly think as you do if I was on my own minus kids and could at least control my own destiny - not so sure I would do it again with kids reliant on you unless there was an awful lot of cash in the system

My friend divorced her ex who was like this. Turned out he was on hook up sites too, claiming not enough or kinky enough sex at home

No i haven’t put responsibility back onto OP i have simply pointed out how husband may be feeling and how it is his responsibility to meet her needs before trying to have sex with her, stop twisting my words.

I think it is so sad that women are stuck having to have sex they don’t really want, having some man pounding away and grunting on top of them because they’re stuck in a minimum wage job, because they don’t want to downgrade their life, because they don’t want to force their kids to go from one home to another on the weekend, etc etc. There is something soul destroying in this. How about we raise girls to prioritize their needs AND be independent enough right from the start so they carve out a satisfactory life for themselves where they can find financial security and happiness no matter what happens to their relationships down the line. We need to change how we raise our daughters so they have agency and are self sufficient enough so that they don’t ever have to be fucked when they don’t want to.

You sound like seeing a couples therapist especially one who specialises in sex would help.
Sex is or should be for both of you. Not just his needs. I recently pulled a friend up on this when he said infront of his wife that she wasn't satisfying him enough.
I would never want to have sex with my wife if it wasn't what she wanted too. There are times when we sleep together several times a week then there are times when several weeks can pass. And this is normal and ok.
Demanding and putting his needs first is not ok. Nor is putting pressure on you.
Sex should bring you closer, not be something to worry about. And that is his doing.

A clip of Paloma Faith comes to mind when she says foreplay for a woman is how you treat them during the day, cuddle them, help with chores or hold their hand. It’s not spit on your fingers and give them a rub.

Everytime I hear this clip from her even though it’s very direct and a bit crass I think she isn’t wrong.

@Avie29
I am not twisting your words - I have quoted back exactly as you said it and explained why you are wrong.

I know that you are not intentionally giving this inappropriate advice but this OP's post isn't actually about the sex - it's about the sex being the final straw in what is a horrible controlling abusive relationship.

This is a relationship issue where the household is in a state of stress.
This is a relationship where a 'man' sees his wife as a domestic appliance and he has his demands and wants serviced. He's not interested in 'helping' his wife find her lost libido because he doesn't see that as his issue because his issue is that his appliance is 'defective' in his eyes and that makes him angry.
This husband has sexually assaulted his wife on at least one occasion but I suspect it's more so how does that square with your narrative Avie29?

You can not consent to sex if you are asleep, drunk or unconscious and if someone does touch/grope/have sex with someone in this state then it's an offence under the law. Badgering someone insistently/constantly to have sex or unwanted touching are seen as coercive behaviour and is an offence under the law. It's also abusive to react angrily or withdraw communication, attention or other things negatively when being told no. If someone tried to have sex with you and you said no but they did it anyway that is rape yes? If you wake up in the night and your DP/stranger/friend is touching you inappropriately/having sex then you haven't consented and it is assault/rape yes? What would you do or advise in this situation @Avie29 - give them a copy of The Joy of Sex and tell them to show the other person how to treat them properly in the bedroom?

So is your advice still right Avie29? Would you still advise her to try harder if this was your friend? If the OP's question had been "I'm peri and have lost my libido but my husband is struggling to understand the change in me" then your advice may have been more suitable. The vast majority of replies here can see what the issue is - will you have the good grace to admit you're off the mark here?

Idk how you can tolerate this, he sounds beyond grim. Please don’t spend your life tied to a man like this.

This isnt fixable

@AnonymouseDad

I have asked for my reply to you to be removed because only half of what I wrote actually posted and it looks like I disagree with your post completely when I don't.
I disagree with you in that couples therapy is an appropriate suggestion here. Joint therapy should never happen in situations where DA is a likelihood because of the high chance that the perpetrator will use it to abuse further and get a poor therapist to join in with/reinforce the abuse. There are so many red flags in the OP's posts that I'm actually concerned with the OP's long term safety.

Until the OP comes back then there's very little any of us who've experienced this type of DA can advise other than what's been posted so far.

Coercive sex is a crime.
He is a sex pest who regularly sex assaults you.
This is a crime.
Coercive sex is rape, is a crime.

Call Womens aid and ask for help.
Consider reporting him to the police.
See how that lands with him.

Your poor children with such a pig for a father.

I do, and this is sexual coercion. It's a crime. It's a sex offence. It makes him a sex offender. I know that sounds hyperbolic but it's really actually not. Just think about it.

If this were a stranger doing this you'd be completely horrified, but it's the man you married, but that's worse! He literally has your trust and is doing it. The stranger wouldn't also be betraying your trust as well as sexually abusing you, so in a way the stranger is actually not as bad.