Husband and sex demands

[Mumof2andacrazydog]

My husband has always had high sex drive since we met at 16. Way more than me. It has caused lots of fall outs over the years as I hear a lot about “his needs” he’s very selfish with his demands and will not open his eyes to see the bigger picture. Things like, coming in from work, bad mood, no conversation & then thinking at bedtime I want to jump on him. Holiday abroad in room next to teenagers with a sliding door & he expects to have full flow sex the minute the door shuts. he didn’t speak to me on holiday for 5 days because I refused his demands.
At home, the teenagers in room next door and he just doesn’t care as it’s all about him.
That is just a snippet of it.
In the last few months I have had no interest in sex whatsoever. I’m guessing perimenopause has kicked in going by other things, but I honestly have no interest. The minute I get to bed, he has no interest in a cuddle, it’s just poking/prodding/hands down my pjs instantly. I can’t cope with that & it ends in a fall out as he says I never want to do anything etc. I turned over the other morning and was actually still dozing & he was groping me saying let
me tease you. It would be ok if he’d actually cuddle or be nice but he’s no interest in that, he thinks been nice and showing interest is sex. He says his needs are more than once or twice a month. I say nothing now because he doesn’t listen and he doesn’t see my side ever. He just goes in a mood and doesn’t speak to me.
I know there’s not much advice anyone can give but really just wondered if anyone else is in a similar situation and how do you handle it. Thank you x

I don't understand why either of you married each other when it was obvious when you first got together that you were utterly incompatible?

This isn't normal. Why are you still sharing a room? I'd refuse

That sounds awful. Its natural to have times in a long marriage when one partner may not be very interested in sex. And it really shows what type of person you are married to when they have no respect for your decision. And try to guilt you into doing something you dont want to.
Also awful to have sex when you know your teens can hear. Its not fair on them .
Being discreet is something everyone has to do or should do. Again its about the lack of respect for other people.
He obviously just thinks about his wants and needs .

Yes, one is a sex pest who thinks that another human is there to service his penis as a basic entitlement and the other is a reasonable person. Incompatible.

You got together very young - you were both 16, is that right? - so neither of you have had much, if any experience with someone who is experienced at sex. In his case that means he is terrible in bed. In your case, maybe that's why you didn't question it sooner?

I was very inexperienced when I met my exh and he was very critical about me not wanting to do different positions with him. I thought he knew more about sex as he'd had a long-term gf before. It wasn't until we broke up and I got together with an experienced lover that I discovered I loved those different positions after all. It was just that my exh never did any foreplay... But if he'd been at all considerate or generous, that might have occurred to him. It's a mixture of no experience and being inconsiderate and selfish that's the worst.

This shit makes my blood boil.

My friend has just left a relationship with a sex pest.

She has a 3 month old baby and was back in hospital 2 weeks after she had the baby with a problem due to him having sex with her. I cried when she told me.

It's honestly disgusting.

I'm seeing my boyfriend this evening and I'm actually going to tell him what a fab human being he is and thank him for treating me like a queen.

Leave him op, it won't get better and I believe this is sexual abuse.

The absolute cunt.

"I know there’s not much advice anyone can give but really just wondered if anyone else is in a similar situation and how do you handle it. Thank you x"
Yes - been in a similar situation - married to a guy for 19 years. Similat experience to you including him turning it on me - that there must be something wrong with me because I had no sex drive - constantly telling me to go to my Dr to "get a pill or something". He also introduced a sex quota - Yuk even now I wonder why I put up with it so long.

How did I handle it? - I divorced him 8 years ago.

Basically he is sexually assaulting you, it is clear you don't want this but he is hoping he can wear you down. It is appalling to think he just doesn't care what you think or feel as long as you open your legs. He is a sex pest. You should not have to put up with this. He sounds like a 13 year old boy.

I know this is a funny skit but Jimmy's videos on relationships are spot on, maybe you could just play this for him. You deserve better.

There's another thread running at the moment about divorce rates and the reasons behind them. Some saying it's because people see relationships as disposable 'these days'.

OR maybe women aren't so financially dependent on men, and don't need to put up with vile behaviour like this for fear of being left destitute/having society shun you for not staying in a marriage that makes you unhappy.

@Mumof2andacrazydog if he doesn't care about your feelings or think he's doing anything wrong, he's not going to change.

Can you tell him to sleep on the sofa as he can't keep his hands to himself.
Can you ask him to leave ?

Haha what an absolute clueless arsehole he is!

If he actually took his head out of his arse and actually attempted to do learn about the female libido and just women in general, he might just have a wife that wanted to have sex with him occasionally.

He is clueless OP, worse than that, he is utterly stubbornly ignorant. If he can't make an effort to see where he is going so badly wrong, there is no hope that this will resolve.

He needs a total sexual personality transplant.

Op all of this is just abusive.

God some men are absolutely foul and quite simply we would all be better off, them included, if they were castrated.

Sorry, I need to add because I'm furious on your behalf.

If anyone else started to grope you without consent when you are clearly not interested, it would be sexual assault. Why does he think it's okay for him just because he's your husband?

You can tell marital rape was still legal until the 90s. Even later in Scotland, I believe. So depressing.

A loving respectful Husband would not do this even with mismatched libidos. Are you still forcing yourself to have sex with him or have you given up trying? Honestly you are being coerced into sex and this is abusive. Unless he stops his behaviour where do you see your future?

He's continually sexually assaulting you and he doesn’t see you as a human, just a sex object. Its so disrespectful.

If he’s showing no interest in you other than this then I’m not surprised you’re not interested.

I'd move into another room for starters. I'd try to talk to him once last time. Explain about the perimenopause and how it diminishes most womens sex drive. Post menopause my normal sex drive never came back fully. I explained to my DH and he accepted it because he loves me and wouldn't want to force himself on me. He is considerate and loving everyday and we do still have sex just not as frequently. Your DH sounds vile, selfish and inconsiderate. He doesn't deserve you OP. You have been too accommodating to him.

“I am not your sex doll and your behaviour is making you repellent to me. What are we going to do about this?” I suspect he has no answer other than expecting you to capitulate to his demands. I’d also be asking why he wants to have sex with someone who is clearly not consenting enthusiastically and does he understand what that actually means?

I think that there are men out there who think women are just like they are. Thinking about sex all the time, gagging for it, having it at every opportunity. And perhaps there are women like that, but many women have so many other things to worry about that sex falls to the bottom of the list. Honestly, if men realised how sexy it is when they do all the housework, cook, clean, look after the kids and how much more sex they'd get if they were actually affectionate rather than demanding - they'd all be perfect.

But yours is not one of those men, OP. Clearly. Divorce would seem to be the only logical move.

How revolting. I would think your lack of interest in sex is related to him being a sexual harasser. Lose the idiot.

I found that difficult to read, let alone you having to live with it.

My DH was a bit like this when we first got together (not the unsolicited groping though). I had a really high sex drive prior to being with him, but his entitled attitude towards sex and the sulking if he didn’t get it was the most off putting thing ever. If we ever had disagreements about things, his only grievance would be about the sex, whereas I was hating life because he was useless around the house, often inattentive and lacking in conversation etc, hence why my sex drive was low in relation to him specifically.

Long story short, he did some work on himself and now looks back and fully concedes he was awful and there was no wonder I didn’t want to jump on him all the time.

Your DH sounds pretty grim though…especially in relation to the children. There is no greater turn off than thinking the kids might hear. He obviously thinks in a very black & white way: holiday = sex, irrespective of the kids clearly being able to hear.

I would leave in your situation. This sounds insufferable.

This is awful, he sounds rapey and sexually coercive.
No advice I'm afraid, but I don't think I could put up with that and I'd probably end things with him.

I don’t believe these men do think that women are like them, they don’t think of the women as actual human beings, just a vessel for them to get their dick wet.

he sounds terrible. I would dump him.

Does he not see it's his behaviour driving your. Cause and effect i think its called.