Husband and sex demands

[Mumof2andacrazydog]

My husband has always had high sex drive since we met at 16. Way more than me. It has caused lots of fall outs over the years as I hear a lot about “his needs” he’s very selfish with his demands and will not open his eyes to see the bigger picture. Things like, coming in from work, bad mood, no conversation & then thinking at bedtime I want to jump on him. Holiday abroad in room next to teenagers with a sliding door & he expects to have full flow sex the minute the door shuts. he didn’t speak to me on holiday for 5 days because I refused his demands.
At home, the teenagers in room next door and he just doesn’t care as it’s all about him.
That is just a snippet of it.
In the last few months I have had no interest in sex whatsoever. I’m guessing perimenopause has kicked in going by other things, but I honestly have no interest. The minute I get to bed, he has no interest in a cuddle, it’s just poking/prodding/hands down my pjs instantly. I can’t cope with that & it ends in a fall out as he says I never want to do anything etc. I turned over the other morning and was actually still dozing & he was groping me saying let
me tease you. It would be ok if he’d actually cuddle or be nice but he’s no interest in that, he thinks been nice and showing interest is sex. He says his needs are more than once or twice a month. I say nothing now because he doesn’t listen and he doesn’t see my side ever. He just goes in a mood and doesn’t speak to me.
I know there’s not much advice anyone can give but really just wondered if anyone else is in a similar situation and how do you handle it. Thank you x

Replies like this are so unhelpful. It’s completely irrelevant how often they’re having sex. He is an abusive arsehole.

Oooh a new LTB: DTST I like it

Sex is about 2 people, not just his 'needs' and he's shown no consideration for what you need at all. I doubt anyone would be keen to have sex with someone who's given them the silent treatment or who grabs and gropes them and orders them about during sex! If I were you, I'd not only not to want to have sex with him, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him at all. Do you really want to stay in this relationship?

@BeLilacSloth it’s once or twice a month too much if he treated me in this way - sex should be wanted not expected and if one person isn’t wanting it then if I was the guy I would be thinking what is in order is a heart to heart chat as to why they aren’t interested- not pestering even more without a proper understanding of how his wife/partner feels .

I will of course, he's an absolute gem.

I know there’s not much advice anyone can give but really just wondered if anyone else is in a similar situation and how do you handle it.

I was. I got rid. Life suddenly became fantastic.

She might fancy it more often if he wasn't so terrible in bed. I'm pretty much always DTF in my relationship, but I wouldn't be DTF at all if my partner showed me zero affection and put zero effort into turning me on.

One life on this Earth, OP. Make it count & get rid of this dud.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being openly appreciative of a partner's good points, FFS.

i could have written this word for word.
my EX husband was exactly the same.
thought it was his martial right to have sex and didn’t see any of my side when I said anything. I was called frigid and worse. It eventually destroyed me. I just hated being around him. And many times I woke up with him trying to have sex with me. He even used to try and get me drunk so I’d be too drunk to say no. and the jokes he’d make to others about me destroyed my confidence.
this and other factors led me to asking him to leave. but it took me years and now I’m fighting through an awful separation.

you don't have to live like this. you are worth so much more then someone’s sex object.

It’s hard to understand why you are still with this awful man.

What’s your housing/financial situation?

You have three choices really:

1. stay in an unhappy marriage
2. leave him
3. invite him to fulfil his sexual needs elsewhere

It’s a pretty fundamental incompatibility IMO

Everyone is incompatible with a abusive arsehole who doesn't understand consent.

In compatible is when your sex drives are different, but you respect the other persons wishes and don't sexually assault them as if it's okay because you're married.

This.

You don't have a sex drive because he turns you off. Once that happens it's almost impossible to find compatibility again.

It's one of those options. Is there a reason you want to stay with him? He sounds horrible in general and it's not a nice atmosphere to have kids living in.

I don’t think it’s necessarily any ones fault, or any one party is wrong.

Some men need to be educated on how women need emotional connection and support. We need that before intimacy can be even considered .
We also need to educate men on the mental load we carry as women if they could lessen this load we may feel differently.

Talk to him in a neutral place. I wouldn’t jump straight to blame or porn. You never hinted at any other issues so talk honestly with him.
You might find that connection again.
best of wishes x

I feel sick just reading all of that. What a grubby sleazy sex pest

I’d be buying him a fleshlight. Because that seems to be how he sees you.

Whats the sex actually like? Is he giving? Gosh I would of had e had to tell him by now and I mean firmly!

Your posts are making me feel gross and very sad for you OP. It is not you - it's him.

Like others have said, he is a sex pest and this is emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Please please consider leaving him, you deserve so much more. Think about what example you are setting to your teenage children. Be strong and good luck.

I generally feel sorry for both members of the couple where there is a very mismatched libido. But in this case he has lost my sympathy by sulking to pressure into sex, and generally doing abusive, manipulative shit to coerce sex out of you.

I'm actually revolted he can enjoy sex when you clearly aren't wanting it.

I found it very hard when my ex stopped wanting sex with me, but no part of me felt that would be alleviated by me somehow trying to emotionally force him into it - I can think of nothing worse!

I am amazed your marriage has lasted as long as it has. You would DEFINITELY be happier with someone else.

(And he possibly would as well, as many women do have very high libidos too. I just question whether that would change when they got with him though, because of his manipulative and uncaring ways. I love sex, but I would rather never have it again, than feel forced to shag a man like your husband....)

Umm pretty sure my post is how he obviously needs to try harder for OP to actually want to have sex with him, like being affectionate without the expectation/pressure of sex, at no point in my post do i say OP needs to try harder to have a sex drive.

@Avie29 This is what you said, yes?
"you feel pressured, guilty, pestered etc he is probably feeling rejected, unattractive, unfulfilled i know you have tried to make him see your point of view but unfortunately trying to make someone see things from your side is never easy so maybe a conversation about how he can help you improve your sex drive- you mention he doesn’t show affection unless he wants sex"
So this is you putting the responsibility back on to the OP yes? Did you not read the other aspects of this man's behaviour? Do you not read that the OP has been touched in her sleep while vulnerable?
How many people have you helped out of DA relationships? I have helped and counselled hundreds and attitudes like yours do so much damage.

Your post reads like a victim shame piece and sadly is really very ignorant.

Pestering someone for sex constantly, pawing at them and fiddling with them in their sleep is definitely and objectively wrong. Having mismatched libidos is not wrong. Being a fucking creepy sex pest who tries to help himself to your body when you’ve expressly asked him not to, IS wrong.

Why have you not divorced this man yet?

Yes sex is great but I can’t imagine my entire existence being based around it.

There are so many other layers to a relationship and if my husband was constantly treating me like a blow up sex doll with no consideration for my feelings or needs or not wanting to nurture our relationship in other areas I wouldn’t want to be with him, end of.

There is a very realistic end game to this sadly common scenario.
You either acquiesce to his demands or he will seek it elsewhere and potentially decide that the someone else - willing to enjoy a similar sex life - may seem a better bet .. and you will end up , like so many women before you .. doing it all. Children, working , juggling all the balls almost entirely full time (he will be too busy with shiny new sex lady to bother with child contact ) he just sounds like that sort of person ..
is it right ? Fuck no !
Do you want to keep the marriage ?
or are you prepared to go it alone for a life where you can get into bed at night without being bothered .. there really is no halfway house with men like this .

you need to weigh the pros and cons .
Do you want to be with him.
kids
standard of living
lifestyle
finances

If the answer is ‘yes’ I don’t want to lose what I have .. then your only answer is to ‘close your eyes and think of Britain’ as the saying goes … or fuck him off and go it alone ..

From experience - I wish I could give you a PC answer like ‘go to couples counselling so he understands where you are coming from’ .. sorry that’s just not reality .

(I fucked him off 30 years ago .. to my eternal regret - the life I had VS the life I got … was worth doing it when I wasn’t interested .. multiple times over ..) the woman he found after several years of my reluctance now lives the life that should of been mine . All I got in return was an early night and a shit load of heavy load on a quarter of the income …