Husband and sex demands

[Mumof2andacrazydog]

My husband has always had high sex drive since we met at 16. Way more than me. It has caused lots of fall outs over the years as I hear a lot about “his needs” he’s very selfish with his demands and will not open his eyes to see the bigger picture. Things like, coming in from work, bad mood, no conversation & then thinking at bedtime I want to jump on him. Holiday abroad in room next to teenagers with a sliding door & he expects to have full flow sex the minute the door shuts. he didn’t speak to me on holiday for 5 days because I refused his demands.
At home, the teenagers in room next door and he just doesn’t care as it’s all about him.
That is just a snippet of it.
In the last few months I have had no interest in sex whatsoever. I’m guessing perimenopause has kicked in going by other things, but I honestly have no interest. The minute I get to bed, he has no interest in a cuddle, it’s just poking/prodding/hands down my pjs instantly. I can’t cope with that & it ends in a fall out as he says I never want to do anything etc. I turned over the other morning and was actually still dozing & he was groping me saying let
me tease you. It would be ok if he’d actually cuddle or be nice but he’s no interest in that, he thinks been nice and showing interest is sex. He says his needs are more than once or twice a month. I say nothing now because he doesn’t listen and he doesn’t see my side ever. He just goes in a mood and doesn’t speak to me.
I know there’s not much advice anyone can give but really just wondered if anyone else is in a similar situation and how do you handle it. Thank you x

I’d make it perfectly clear to him that his attitude towards you and sex is utterly unattractive.
Even when you agree to sex, he’s telling you what to do? He needs a bloody blow up doll ffs.

Please dont thank him for this! It's feeding into their thinking that they are special for acting normally!

The not speaking to you if you don't comply is abuse. I had this from a boyfriend years ago; i I had thrush and was uncomfortable so didn't want sex for a couple of days, and he refused to speak to me. I should have left him then, but I was young and naive. Eventually he turned violent, and I left him. I should have left sooner.

I hope you can see a way out of this OP. It's an awful way to live.

That sounds awful op. I have experienced something a little bit similar with my dh (although he does take no for an answer, he also gets cross and sulky if we don't have sex when he's expecting to). My sex drive took a nose dive after having kids and just never really came back. However ... he is a great husband and father generally and I absolutely don't want to split. So the approach I now take is to aim for sex at least once per week. I try to make sure I'm almost scheduling it in so mentally I'm in the right place. We also changed the format a bit so he gives me a nice massage beforehand to relax me and that really helps me to get in the mood. I can't go from mum mode to sex mode at the flip of a switch! So I suppose what I'm saying is, if you have a big discrepancy in what you both want sex-wise, how can you in some way meet in the middle (if that is what you want, and you might not, and that's fine too).

So your husband is a sex pest. There's no way back from that as men like this just don't change. He's been like this since you were 16 and despite a number of falling outs he still hasn't changed so I don't think he is going to change his baheviour at all.

You don't have to live like this. Many men aren't sex pests and actually treat their wives/partners with respect.

I hate this kinda shit
Op life is too short to live like this
You deserve so much more. He sounds awful

I don't have anything to offer that hasn't already been said, OP, and I wish you the best.

But curious to hear from others - (and without hijacking the post) where is the line between DH/DP's intimacy needs being met, or them being unreasonable with their needs?

Drives can change throughout the years, and one partner may need sexual intimacy to feel loved and connected, whilst the other might need this less and be actively put off sexual intimacy due to hormones, stress levels or other factors.

Is it reasonable to expect one partner to compromise? What is the line between give and take? One partner may be disappointed that they do not get the sexual intimacy they need. The other partner may be disappointed to have to engage in intercourse when they don't feel like it. Both are damaging. Is separation always the answer?

I find this so upsetting to read - this is exactly why I left my first dh when dd was 6 months old (we’d been together 6 years by then). She’s now 22 years old so this was a long time ago but your post reminded me how horrible it all was.

You do realise he’s sexually assaulting you don’t you? He knows you don’t want sex and doesn’t care. He’s actually evil and your dc will be picking up on the moods. It’s awful living in that environment as a teen.

You really have to leave him.

I divorced my husband of 20 years for constant sex pestering. It was a massive relief when he left.

Oh OP. I can't tell you how grossed out I feel by this as nothing more than a casual remote reader.

It's not normal OP. Can you imagine the relief of going to bed alone & knowing you're not going to get harassed in your sleep? Or coming out the shower and simply getting ready in your towel without someone trying to pull it off you? Peace and bodily autonomy.

You can have that.

One of the many reasons I am
now divorced. I doubt this is the only thing that is causes you worry in your relationship.
my ex was the same, I knew if we didn’t have sex every other day I would be ignored completely other than some aggression and swearing thrown in. Yet I continued to wash all his clothes and make his packs up…..so glad I am out of that now.
How a man can think that you’d feel safe having sex with them when they treat us like this I do not know. My ex also thought there was something wrong with me, said I should be a nun etc etc. I actually thought I hated sex and never wanted it again yet here I am in a relationship with a lovely man and it’s amazing. This doesn’t have to be your life.

I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this, it sounds very disrespectful and selfish and you are absolutely not at fault - he should never be putting you under pressure in this regard and it also doesn’t sound like he understands how do make you feel wanted, attractive, special and help you carve out private time away from the kids so you actually feel in a sexy mood and inclined to be romantic!

It’s not aways about libido. Sometimes it’s about control. A clue it’s about control is them trying to have sex when it’s not appropriate. My ex would grope me when the children were in the next room or when I’d gone in the kitchen to make his parents a coffee. He’d call me a frigid bitch and be angry.

I often wondered what he’d have done if I’d gone along with it, but the point is I wasn’t meant to. I was meant to object so he could abuse me for it.

Do you really think that your children are unaware of all this?

@Jokerwithagin
there is no ‘needs’. There is ‘wants’. And I would say that it should always be mutual and if you’re not compatible, that should have been ascertained prior to marriage/kids. If you are EVER having sex you don’t want, that means you have not consented, and it is thus a crime.

I am sorry op, that is grim. I absolutely could not and would not tolerate it. He is abusing you and you need to start getting help to leave.

OP if you’re not sexually compatible with OH it is neither of your faults that you both feel how you feel, you feel pressured, guilty, pestered etc he is probably feeling rejected, unattractive, unfulfilled i know you have tried to make him see your point of view but unfortunately trying to make someone see things from your side is never easy so maybe a conversation about how he can help you improve your sex drive- you mention he doesn’t show affection unless he wants sex- that would be a good place to start, he could help by showing more affection without the pressure of sex, sex drive isn’t a fixed thing it goes up and down constantly so you know you have it in you to have a higher sex drive its just he isn’t doing what he needs to do to bring it up, and unfortunately you are stuck in a loop of rejection, sulking and then him being unattractive to you because he is sulking and so you reject sex and the loop goes on, you need to wipe the slate and have a serious conversation about what you need him to do to bring that passion back xx

O God OP, I know exactly how you feel. I used to be married to a sex pest and it was dreadful. I never got any peace and he used to get annoyed if I didn't give in to his demands all the time. He thought he owned my body because we were married. I felt like a wanking doll. He too was a moody twat (among other things) and I loathed him for years until I finally got it together to get rid of him.

And guess what? he was amazed that I didn't want to be married to him any more! Unbelievable. There's only one way to stop being the victim of a sex pest. Start making plans.

I couldn’t live like that at all .

How’s the rest of the relationship?

I would completely ignore him blanking you and not pander to it at all. Crack on with your own life!

I don’t know why they think it’s a turn on to be teased. Is it cause they watch too much porn? I hate this feeling like I’m on display

I have a really high sex drive, but I would have absolutely no desire to have sex with a man who behaved like this.

He sounds like a genuinely unpleasant person all round, to be honest.

I'm amazed you've stuck with him for this long. I'm guessing that if you got together at 16, you don't really have any other serious relationships to compare this to, but it's definitely not normal at all for someone to sulk for five days because their partner didn't want to have sex, for example.

I also think there's a good chance that one of the reasons you've never wanted sex as much as your husband is that your husband is terrible in bed.

Nothing helpful to add, except get out now if you can.

i have been in your situation for such a long time, we’ve been together for 30 years in total, but I absolutely cannot leave him due to financial/family situation.

Your DH won’t change or improve, so get out now if you can.

I had one chance and I missed it, and now I am trapped. It’s not easy to live like this with someone who you realise has no respect for you, who puts their own needs above your own comfort and basically treats you like an object.

leave him now

Once or twice a month isn’t really much of a marriage, you sound more like room mates

Well that didn't take long for the DA apologist/ you must try harder adviser to turn up did it @Avie29 ?
You did actually read the whole OP? You know the bits where OP describes how they are beholden to his moods when he's at home or the sexual touching during sleep? Or have you just blanked those bits to focus on the sex aspect....like the husband does?????