Should I give in? (Sex-related question)

[TipsyOrca]

Hi! I'm not a mom, so I'm not so sure if this is the place I can come to with my situation, but I figured I'd try because other forums I've given a shot have been disappointing or downright frustrating. (one word: manosphere) I hope I don't offend anyone by posting here.

Some background: current boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. Generally we have a solid relationship. We understand each other for the most part and I enjoy spending time with him. My attraction to him has had to grow; I showed an interest mostly because he is the kind of person I need right now, particularly after getting out of a ... rocky relationship. My ex was/is the complete opposite of current boyfriend, who is gentle, understanding, considerate, open to things I like and willing to try, too. While the physical aspect with current boyfriend has had to develop a bit, I was immediately head over heels for ex and the chemistry was sort of out of this world. In short, an overall very different vibe than the one I have with current boyfriend, which feels a lot more tame and safe in comparison.
I realized however that what I had with my ex was getting to me, it was unhealthy, and that I deserved more, better, from a potential partner than what I was receiving.

A couple of weeks ago current boyfriend and I got drunk together, it was a wonderful night. I made the crucial mistake, however, of getting so drunk I was no longer in control of what I was saying. I let it slip that I did certain sexual acts with my ex that I am not interested in doing again. There was no pressure or initiative from my ex there, it happened because I was curious about doing it with him. I am no longer curious about it. Ex and I never did it again.

This nugget of information has for some reason stuck to current boyfriend's brain, and, a day or two later: indeed, he asks me to try it with him, too. Says he'll be careful, will stop if it's too much, yada yada. And of course, the old, "You let him do it to you, why can't I?"

I said no. "Why?"

Because I don't care for it. I tried, didn't do anything for me, never did it again.

"But don't you think it's a bit unfair that you were willing to try, at least, with him, but won't with me?"

No.

Since then he has kind of been moping? Our sex life is generally not too wild, we usually do it maybe once or twice a week which is... a stark difference from my previous relationship... but it has completely died down. No sex. I know he gets off on his own, I have taken initiative, only to be cold shouldered. Besides sexually he has been distant emotionally, too. Did I hurt him or his ego so badly to deserve this? I can't imagine being angry in his place.

What do you think? I'd like to read some other perspectives from women, or perhaps people who have been through something similar with their partner?
Thanks in advance!

Change the ex's name in your phone to "Don't be an idiot", so that every time you're tempted to text or phone you're reminded not to be an idiot, and go and do something else instead.

... And change ex2's details in your phone to 'You're better than this'.

OP OP! This is a dangerous time. Can you get a friend to delete exes phone numbers and block if you can't do it yourself. Strength snd courage, girl. DONT contact the older man again. The right man will arrive only when you don't need him....

What a piece of dog poo this man is, he stands by what he said that he should be allowed to do that to you!!! And that he thinks by saying that you will want to be in a relationship with him, he feels inadequate and needs to make his mark on you to claim you and feel like a man, obviously you need to leave him nasty little man

I'm happy you're out of there Op. I hope your mother is emotionally supportive. I don't know you but I have a feeling she may not be, considering you feel have put up with emotional abuse and gaslighting during your adult life.

A woman refuge may be another place you could go to if you're stuck.

End it with him and contact women’s aid and go on their freedom / RISE programme and learn about domestic abuse and how to recognise it early in relationships and how to protect yourself going forward

He was wrong, especially saying ‘I stand by what I said’ about taking the pain.
However, this is a guy you are living with, and the first thing you do after leaving is text your ex? You both deserve better than each other.

Agreed.

You not only have to be finished with this guy but leave the ex behind. He is an ex for a reason.

Do you really need to live with a man right now?

“The same opportunity” 🤮. He’s grim and you are well rid

I’m sure you already know this - but no, ‘any man’ would not want the opportunity to make a woman suffer pain like that.

I had a very bad experience (similar to yours, left me in a lot of pain) in a previous relationship. My partner knows that, and for that reason not once (in the 22 years we’ve lived together) has he asked me to try it with him.

Well done for being so strong and kicking this man out! He’s awful.

How have we got to the point where so many men want to subject women to sexual abuse? Because if the woman doesn't want it in the vast majority of cases, and the man KNOWS she doesn't really want it, what other term will suffice? May not be rape in the legal sense, but it's not sex with enthusiastic consent either, is it. I'm very sorry for any woman on this thread who has suffered this bullying by vile men, and even more concerned that they now seem to form the mainstream majority of young men. How depressing and disturbing.

Sexual abuse and entitlement to a woman's body isn't a 'flaw', it's a fundamentally abusive mindset.

He may have been caring etc but it's also entirely possible that Op missed any red flags due to her previous bad relationship ie. a 60% abusive man seems a refreshing change from the 80% abusive man you were with before. Doesn't mean he still isn't abusive just because he's not as bad as the other guy.

Tell me you're a man without telling me you're a man ffs.

It's that very telling phrase 'You let him do it to you, why can't I?'

To you.

TO you.

There he is. Right there.

Looks like you’re bouncing between two arseholes. Most men aren’t like this. Get therapy to help with your self esteem.

Anyone still here?

Yes. Are you ok?

Yup, you ok?

@TipsyOrca hope you’re ok 💐

When you allow someone to degrade you to keep them in your life, the relationship loses its equal footing (not to mention emotional safety). He will lose respect for you regardless. Whether he gets what he wants or not, he has shown this through his view that you being in pain is an alright price to pay for his enjoyment and ego.

Whats next from him? Will he be happy once he’s tried it? Will you??? Will he drop it? What if he likes it - it’s not such a big step to keep requesting your pain for his pleasure once you’ve acquiesced once.

get rid, he’s gross

Hope you are ok

I hope you dumped the selfish pr**k . The first time you did it, you didn’t know it would hurt. Now you know, and for him to disregard this is selfish and not on. If you give in, he will then say, you did it before, so do it again.
He’s a manipulative, coercive , cruel, controlling monster and I hope you got rid.

You went through with it, didn’t you?

Yes. Are you ok?

I think being drunk is a problem because people are prone to making mistakes and bad choices while under the influence.

Hi! Didn't think anyone would respond. I am doing well, thanks for asking. Things went over a lot better than I waa expecting (telling my mother for one, have also told a couple friends). So I think, about that aspect, I was worried a lot more than necessary. My ex has continuously texted and called, asking me to reconsider, telling me he regrets hammering on the sex act and shouldn't have. He did also send me a compromising pic after which I blocked him.. I didn't pick up any of his calls. So he went and called my mother, who, of course, did pick up. I'm kind of glad for it because his texting and calling was kind of scaring me. His convo with my mother seems to have soothed that a little bit soo... I guess I feel a bit more at ease now.
I stayed at a hotel for a couple of days and have been with a friend who lives pretty closeish to my job. That is what I've been focusing on to keep my head on straight, I guess. That and doggy.
For those interested: doggy is doing OK too. Was a little stressed about the whole moving around thing but it's all fine now. Nothing snacks cant fix. :-)