Should I give in? (Sex-related question)

[TipsyOrca]

Hi! I'm not a mom, so I'm not so sure if this is the place I can come to with my situation, but I figured I'd try because other forums I've given a shot have been disappointing or downright frustrating. (one word: manosphere) I hope I don't offend anyone by posting here.

Some background: current boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. Generally we have a solid relationship. We understand each other for the most part and I enjoy spending time with him. My attraction to him has had to grow; I showed an interest mostly because he is the kind of person I need right now, particularly after getting out of a ... rocky relationship. My ex was/is the complete opposite of current boyfriend, who is gentle, understanding, considerate, open to things I like and willing to try, too. While the physical aspect with current boyfriend has had to develop a bit, I was immediately head over heels for ex and the chemistry was sort of out of this world. In short, an overall very different vibe than the one I have with current boyfriend, which feels a lot more tame and safe in comparison.
I realized however that what I had with my ex was getting to me, it was unhealthy, and that I deserved more, better, from a potential partner than what I was receiving.

A couple of weeks ago current boyfriend and I got drunk together, it was a wonderful night. I made the crucial mistake, however, of getting so drunk I was no longer in control of what I was saying. I let it slip that I did certain sexual acts with my ex that I am not interested in doing again. There was no pressure or initiative from my ex there, it happened because I was curious about doing it with him. I am no longer curious about it. Ex and I never did it again.

This nugget of information has for some reason stuck to current boyfriend's brain, and, a day or two later: indeed, he asks me to try it with him, too. Says he'll be careful, will stop if it's too much, yada yada. And of course, the old, "You let him do it to you, why can't I?"

I said no. "Why?"

Because I don't care for it. I tried, didn't do anything for me, never did it again.

"But don't you think it's a bit unfair that you were willing to try, at least, with him, but won't with me?"

No.

Since then he has kind of been moping? Our sex life is generally not too wild, we usually do it maybe once or twice a week which is... a stark difference from my previous relationship... but it has completely died down. No sex. I know he gets off on his own, I have taken initiative, only to be cold shouldered. Besides sexually he has been distant emotionally, too. Did I hurt him or his ego so badly to deserve this? I can't imagine being angry in his place.

What do you think? I'd like to read some other perspectives from women, or perhaps people who have been through something similar with their partner?
Thanks in advance!

Try reading Op’s posts again.

“It is anal, yes. As I said, we tried once, never again. Ex didn't want to redo it because it hurt for me and I cried.”

The PP wasn’t spinning anything. OP said she cried and it was painful. Not uncomfortable.

BFs response was:
"I know, but if we take it slow and do enough preparation, it won't hurt. You know me, right? I wouldn't hurt you?"

That is a pretty damning picture of coercion without needing spin. He’s trying to guilt and coerce her into a sex act he knows she doesn’t want and is claiming because he’s loving and special he wouldn’t hurt her (unlike ex), completely disregarding the abusive behaviour he’s displaying. He’s thinking about a benefit for him which comes at nothing but expense for her. That isn’t someone a woman is safe having sex with.

You’re saying the “truth” is she was “excitedly” talking about her adventurous past and she “clearly enjoys thinking and talking about her sex life with him” except there’s nothing to suggest that’s the case. She might think about it fondly, but she wasn’t bragging about a previously amazing sex life simply by mentioning a sex act she never wants to do again because it was painful enough to reduce her to tears. “Painal” may be a porn category enjoyed by some men but it’s not something most women are looking to engage in and certainly isn’t some sort of badge of pride.

If DH got drunk and told me that he’d been pegged before by an ex but he hated it and had no intention of doing that again, I’d be filing that under “remember not to ask him about pegging because he’s made his feelings clear” and “clearly he needed some Dutch courage to mention it”, not “he's bragging about a sexually adventurous past, why won’t he do that with me”, but I also don’t think coerced consent is valid like the BF apparently does.

There may be shades of grey for a lot of things, but coercion and manipulation when it comes to sex is just plain old rape and abuse.

Fine, whatever makes you feel righteous. I was just trying to help OP. I don't think you actually read what I wrote, just cherry-picked the bits that you could clutch your pearls about. Leave it now.

You have said you don’t want to do it, that should be enough for him to stop mentioning it.

Even if you did agree would you trust him to stop at any time?

@Kubricklayer

I’m not sure what’s more concerning after reading your posts on this thread, the idea of you having sons or daughters.

Your posts show a complete lack of understanding of coercion dynamics. And, to be honest, of nuance in general.

She didn’t excitedly tell him about adventurous anal with an ex. She told him she had anal sex with her ex, that it hurt and that it made her cry.

He wants her to have sex that is painful and makes her cry, because she has had it with an ex (once, and even he stopped because she cried) so his ego is bruised she hasn’t done it with him.

You trying to paint people calling this coercive and emotionally abusive as ‘spinning’ anything is batshit, frankly.

I sincerely hope you’re never advising young people of either sex about consent or anything remotely linked to it.

I haven't yet the full thread and I won't because I imagine it's all been said.

But I can only imagine what the manosphere made of this. You gave your best years to Chad and let him rip you to shreds. Now you're settling for betabux and you'll 'let' him screw you once a week in missionary.

For the record I am not saying this is what happened, just that this is what the incels among us will twist it to be. I'm pretty well read on the manosphere, I have a teenage son who I am determined grows up to be a decent man.

You absolutely should not have anal sex again, if you don't want to.

If this relationship doesn't work out, never, ever, ever tell any future partner about what you did with previous partners.

It's an additional shame that you think this is about "feeling righteous" and can't grasp that it's about a woman being coerced into an act she finds traumatising. It's a very egotistical take. However, I don't expect a person who waters down such coercion, and thinks it's "pearl clutching" to take it seriously, to understand that.

Put your ego aside. This isn't about you and it's appalling to trivialise it the way you're doing.

OK I lied, I did read some of the thread. I just discovered you're 23 years old.

My advice sweetheart, is you ditch this guy now. You make a promise to yourself that you won't get involved with any man for a year. You stick to that. You spend that year looking after yourself and working out who you are and what you want from a man.

Then you start looking for him (hint - he will be a mix between the one that turns you on just by thinking about him, and the one that cherishes you and respects your boundaries - such men do exist).

Why is a little bit of pressure "normal" to you?
If someone doesn't consent, that's it. There is no need for any amount of pressure.
We're back to coercion.

Yeah I think this too OP ..
He’s jealous , for some insane reason he thinks ,
“ Well she just didn’t enjoy it cause it was him , it will be much different with me “ .
Like pp said above , have it out with him & tell him to grow the fuck up …

Or just get rid of the fucker.

Dump

GIANT RED FLAG 🚩

You tell him no, and you stick with it.

And if he doesn't like that LTB.

I'm sorry but he has zero right to
a)be asking you to do something sexually you previously did not enjoy/found painful/etc
B)zero right to try and guilt trip you, I mean aside from the fact that's horrendous behaviour on it's own he has no idea of when you did that with your ex it was of your own free will or conversion anyway irregardless you have said NO
C)if he's willing to engage in sexual activity you DO NOT WANT, YOU DO NOT ENJOY AND YOU DO NOT CONSENT TO that unfortunately says a lot about the kind of man he is. No genuinely good guy would ever want to do something with a partner that they didn't want/enjoy/was painful.

I hate the fact that anal (and other more bsdm forms of sexual stuff) have become such a norm amongst porn exposed teens who grow into men like in the OP who expect it despite the OP not wanting it and it being painful 😣

Omg this is such a gross response - surely you are irretrievably grossed out by him now? Hideous

My God , just saw his reasoning he's a beast.
If you genuinely care for someone you wouldn't want them to partake against their will.
I agree with you she needs rid of him.

It's never acceptable to do sexual acts to please our partners if you don't wish to, if you don't enjoy it and your basically doing it to shut him up, that's not proper consent! Your boyfriend is wrapped up in doing anal because you did it with an ex, he is in the wrong! I've done things with others, that I haven't with my DH, he isn't pressuring me because I did it with somebody else!
If he continues....dump him!

You did it with your ex, can't you take the pain for a second for me, too?

This is one of the most alarming things I've read on here, and I've been around since this was all fields. He's possessive and insecure and doesn't view you as an actual human being. This is a very bad combination.

You desperately need therapy to unpack all of your belief systems. May I ask why your father doesn't want to see you now, and why you only see your mother occasionally? I would think that normal loving parents would be thrilled and relieved if their daughter had managed to leave an abusive relationship and reached out to them.

Your ideas about healthy relationships are really skewed. You don't have to choose between being treated nicely out of the bedroom or having a good sex life. Some men are genuinely nice people who are also great in bed. It's better to be single than poorly accompanied. Were you brought up to believe that a woman's worth was tied to having a partner?

Slightly different take than most replies. But I think you need to dump him, not because he's pressuring you to do something you don't want to do, but because you don't fancy him.

I think it's quite telling that you were willing to do more adventurous things with the ex you had instant chemistry with than this guy.

You need someone who does it for you - who gives you the fanny flutters just by looking at him. Someone that you love being in bed with, someone that you masturbate about lol.

I know you had that with your ex but he was unsuitable in other ways - there will be someone out there who turns you on who is a better fit. Move on.

Yep. Pretty astonishing how many handmaidens (or men pushing porn) come to this sort of thread to try to convince women that a man who is coercing you into anal rape is just a good guy really.

OP, please dump him. He's a vile and bullying little creep.

So you swapped one prick for another prick. And you don't even fancy this one. That's wild!

Ever heard of friends? You can have friends to be what you need right now. Instead of shagging some guy you aren't even into.

Get single! Stay single until you learn to love yourself. Heck, like yourself, even.

Also, heads up, he's not insecure. He's controlling. 95 percent of the time if you are excusing behaviour as 'oh maybe he's insecure' you need to check yourself because he's not insecure, he's pretending to be in order to get you to tolerate his shit behaviour or, change yourself in some way. Or trap you on a merry go round of 'prove your love/innocence/loyalty/trust etc...'. It's abuse. And it's control. Not insecurity.

🤣

I pretty much always refer to it as anal rape, because there are very very few women indeed who would actually choose to have a man's cock shoved up her arse when there is a perfectly great other option a few centimetres away that causes no pain and is designed for sex and a LOT of coercion from porn addled men and handmaidens to pretend it's always been a top favourite.

Yes of course I am aware it's always existed, no need at all for porn heads to pretend I said otherwise.

Here come the "Oh but I luurrrvvveee a cock shoved up my shitter" comments.

PS I don't care if any commenter personally, pretends to (or even does) enjoy having objects shoved into their arsehole, which is designed for shitting, and if you insist upon telling me about it I will assume you are a porn addicted man who likes causing women distress.

That is just horrible. He wants to hurt you for his own pleasure. Please get rid of him.

Horrifying that you can think this. OP explicitly describes her pain.
What sort of monster are you?