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Original poster

Should I give in? (Sex-related question)

391 replies

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:10

Hi! I'm not a mom, so I'm not so sure if this is the place I can come to with my situation, but I figured I'd try because other forums I've given a shot have been disappointing or downright frustrating. (one word: manosphere) I hope I don't offend anyone by posting here.

Some background: current boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. Generally we have a solid relationship. We understand each other for the most part and I enjoy spending time with him. My attraction to him has had to grow; I showed an interest mostly because he is the kind of person I need right now, particularly after getting out of a ... rocky relationship. My ex was/is the complete opposite of current boyfriend, who is gentle, understanding, considerate, open to things I like and willing to try, too. While the physical aspect with current boyfriend has had to develop a bit, I was immediately head over heels for ex and the chemistry was sort of out of this world. In short, an overall very different vibe than the one I have with current boyfriend, which feels a lot more tame and safe in comparison.
I realized however that what I had with my ex was getting to me, it was unhealthy, and that I deserved more, better, from a potential partner than what I was receiving.

A couple of weeks ago current boyfriend and I got drunk together, it was a wonderful night. I made the crucial mistake, however, of getting so drunk I was no longer in control of what I was saying. I let it slip that I did certain sexual acts with my ex that I am not interested in doing again. There was no pressure or initiative from my ex there, it happened because I was curious about doing it with him. I am no longer curious about it. Ex and I never did it again.

This nugget of information has for some reason stuck to current boyfriend's brain, and, a day or two later: indeed, he asks me to try it with him, too. Says he'll be careful, will stop if it's too much, yada yada. And of course, the old, "You let him do it to you, why can't I?"

I said no. "Why?"

Because I don't care for it. I tried, didn't do anything for me, never did it again.

"But don't you think it's a bit unfair that you were willing to try, at least, with him, but won't with me?"

No.

Since then he has kind of been moping? Our sex life is generally not too wild, we usually do it maybe once or twice a week which is... a stark difference from my previous relationship... but it has completely died down. No sex. I know he gets off on his own, I have taken initiative, only to be cold shouldered. Besides sexually he has been distant emotionally, too. Did I hurt him or his ego so badly to deserve this? I can't imagine being angry in his place.

What do you think? I'd like to read some other perspectives from women, or perhaps people who have been through something similar with their partner?
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Christwosheds · 22/10/2025 12:22

SansaClegane · 22/10/2025 08:16

it's anal, isn't it?

  • so many red flags here tbh. the pestering, the moping: that's not normal, that's coercive. the wording, if he really said it like this: "you let him do it TO you"; kind of acknowledging that it's an act that would not be pleasurable to you, quite the opposite.
another red flag to me though is that you're in a relationship with someone you've never felt attracted to in the first place, and forcing yourself to be with. I get that you needed to break out of old unhealthy relationship patterns, but that doesn't mean going for the total opposite. there should IMO always be attraction to begin with. Else, why not just be friends? Surely that's the one thing that distinguishes a relationship from a friendship. I'd get out of this if I were you, for all the reasons outlined above.

This.

Karatema · 22/10/2025 12:23

My DH and I enjoyed all sorts of sex when we were younger, as we’ve aged, I have lost interest in many of the acts. My DH was disappointed but accepted that it’s my body, my decision.
You deserve better!

Ellie56 · 22/10/2025 12:29

You never "give in" to anything sexual. If you don't want to do it that's it, End of. A nice man would accept that you have said no and not keep pestering you.

This guy is not a nice man so stop kidding yourself and dump him.

Christwosheds · 22/10/2025 12:31

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 22/10/2025 11:28

He’s not a nice guy and you don’t fancy him. This is a worst of both worlds situation. Get rid.

Also this.
I mean, really OP what is the point of this ? It’s nice being alone, I liked being single. Of course I hoped that I would meet someone lovely eventually, but my first boyfriend was horrible to me and I was very, very careful about who I chose to be with next. I was single for years, until I met DH.
You need to be a lot fussier than this about who you date. Coerced or pressured sexual activity is not consensual. Sex where one party has to zone out and isn’t happy is not consensual. What sort of men are happy with this ? Rapists and sex offenders.
Your boyfriend is not at all a good man. He wants what your ex got from you, as though you are a doll, not a person.
Dump him, do the Freedom Programme.

Aimtodobetter · 22/10/2025 12:38

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 11:05

I've sort of figured I need to end this as soon as someone said it is quite strange he can get off while I just... zone out. It's not what I want for me. Not sure how I hadn't thought of it as strange before. I did grow up hearing from women around me that that's just what marriage does, but we are not married. It's been a year. So.
Does anyone have advice for staying NC with the ex while I get my own shit together? Stories or suggestions are more than welcome. I am kind of itching to reach out, for what I don't know.

Edited

I would get yourself into therapy. They can help you end your current relationship and stay clear of your ex.

BauhausOfEliott · 22/10/2025 12:39

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:38

I have asked him why he wants to do it so badly when I tell him it hurt a lot for me. The answer being, you did it with your ex, can't you take the pain for a second for me, too? I think it's not even as much about the act itself, or intimacy, which was the reason why I tried it with the ex; I think it's a weird ego thing.

Edited
Show quote history

Bloody hell, that's awful.

This man is not nice - certainly not in his attitude to sex - and you don't actually find him sexually attractive. Honestly, get rid of him.

Any man whose response to 'I once tried something in bed and really hated it, it was absolutely horrible and painful and so traumatic that I cried' is to say 'Cool, wanna let me try?' is an absolute tool and needs chucking in the bin.

3luckystars · 22/10/2025 12:44

He is a dud, and so is your ex. Be single for a while and focus on yourself. You are worth it x

TheBlueHotel · 22/10/2025 12:45

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 10:36

I was drunk. I would never have brought it up with him if I'd been sober. Ever.
He is insecure as is. I know even mentioning my ex causes tension, so obviously telling him I had anal sex with him, or for that matter that his penis was bigger, or better, would cause tension. I got drunk and accidentally slipped out that we did have anal sex. Once.

Edited
Show quote history

He's right to be insecure though isn't he? You don't fancy him and tolerate sex with him. He knows that. I'm not saying that excuses his behaviour because of course not but it shows that the relationship is highly dysfunctional as it is. You're kidding yourself.

playstupidgameswinstupidprizes · 22/10/2025 12:48

Get rid. What a slimey shithead he is.

playstupidgameswinstupidprizes · 22/10/2025 12:49

TheBlueHotel · 22/10/2025 12:45

He's right to be insecure though isn't he? You don't fancy him and tolerate sex with him. He knows that. I'm not saying that excuses his behaviour because of course not but it shows that the relationship is highly dysfunctional as it is. You're kidding yourself.

Show quote history

She doesn't want to be anally raped, which is what forcing a woman to take it up the arse when she doesn't want to actually is.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Dery · 22/10/2025 12:50

@TipsyOrca - you’ve had lots of good advice on here. Please end the relationship with this guy, spend some time single and get therapy ASAP. Unless and until you learn to be comfortable being single, you will be hugely vulnerable to low quality men.

The fact that your father is still refusing to see you even though your relatively short NC period has ended suggests to me that your father is not a particularly loving, giving or approving father. The fact that you went from having had no boyfriend of any kind to an intense relationship with a much older man (38 to your 23) could also be an indication that you were feeling the lack of a loving father figure.

I could be way off-beam here but these could be things to explore in therapy.

FlyingApple · 22/10/2025 12:51

No, do not do this to placate him.

Doyouknowdanieltiger · 22/10/2025 12:54

Tell him you'll consider if it he'll let you peg him first.

WeeGeeBored · 22/10/2025 12:55

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:29

It is anal, yes. As I said, we tried once, never again. Ex didn't want to redo it because it hurt for me and I cried. It is pretty bleak to think that my ex, who could be a controlling bastard at times, had more regard for that than current boyfriend? Who is in every other way a total dream to be with? Like, no genuine reaction whatsoever when I say it hurt too much for me and I have no interest in doing it again?
"I know, but if we take it slow and do enough preparation, it won't hurt. You know me, right? I wouldn't hurt you?"
I know he wouldn't. Not intentionally at least. But where does this weird entitlement come from, from a man I have only experienced as sensitive, gentle, even a feminist I would say? I don't understand.

Edited

He is not a dream to be with. He has shown you that. When/if he stops moaning about anal sex he will moan about something else. He wants to control you. He saw you coming. When you experience a trauma it can be written on your body and potential abusers can read you like a book. It isn't your fault. Get out before you fall for him even deeper at which point he will be able to do whatever he likes to you. Don't let that happen.

thepariscrimefiles · 22/10/2025 12:57

Kubricklayer · 22/10/2025 11:27

I also think it's unfair to say he's shown his true colours. Up until the mentioning of anal OP admits her partner had been gentle, caring and provided a reliability and stability to her life that perhaps had been missing for a large periods. Accepted trying to emotionally manipulate a partner into doing something they don't want to is wrong but I wouldn't say this makes someone irredeemable or amounts to who they truly are. We're all flawed but also capable of self improvement, so labelling people as effectively evil and abusive and beyond saving/forgiveness is unhelpful imo. However, clearly this is relationship isn't right for OP as she has her owns struggles that need attention.

Show quote history

Of course he has shown his true colours. He was OK when he thought that OP didn't 'do' anal sex. As soon as he found out that she had done it with a previous partner, despite her saying how much it hurt and how much she hated it and that she told her previous partner that she would never do it again, he's been pestering her. He actually said 'why won't you put up with the pain for me when you did it for him'.

Her new partner's schtick is that he is an empathetic and thoughtful guy. However, this is just an act and he is just as awful as her previous partner but in a different way.

WeeGeeBored · 22/10/2025 13:02

thepariscrimefiles · 22/10/2025 12:57

Of course he has shown his true colours. He was OK when he thought that OP didn't 'do' anal sex. As soon as he found out that she had done it with a previous partner, despite her saying how much it hurt and how much she hated it and that she told her previous partner that she would never do it again, he's been pestering her. He actually said 'why won't you put up with the pain for me when you did it for him'.

Her new partner's schtick is that he is an empathetic and thoughtful guy. However, this is just an act and he is just as awful as her previous partner but in a different way.

Show quote history

I agree with this. The gentleness is probably part of the "love bombing". The predator presents as the total opposite of what their target is used to until they have them in their control and they don't have to keep up the act anymore. Poor op has been lured into a trap. It really isn't helpful to make her think that he really is the loving person he pretended to be at the beginning of their relationship. Even if that is what he is he also has this other side to him that is brutish and abusive. This is not a "mistake" it is part of his character. Run like hell, Op.

Princejoffyjaffur · 22/10/2025 13:02

Tell him your ex's manhood was much smaller than his and that you know his won't fit. That'll fix it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/10/2025 13:10

@TipsyOrca - the pestering and sulking are an attempt to coerce you into doing something you have said you don’t want to do - and that is absolutely wrong of your partner.

I would ask him bluntly - “Are you sulking and pestering in order to force me into a sexual act I have said I don’t want to do? Do you realise how rapey that sounds?” His response will tell you all you need to know.

TickTickTock · 22/10/2025 13:14

DurinsBane · 22/10/2025 08:15

Your mistake was telling him about you having anal with the ex. You need to tell him that you don’t want to do it again, and he needs to stop asking or it will ruin the relationship. However, why don’t you and him find something else to try that you haven’t done with anyone before?

No, no, no. She made no mistake! She should be able to talk about her sexual history without her current partner getting jealous and pushing her clear boundaries. This is all his mistake.

EBearhug · 22/10/2025 13:14

Don't stick with crap sex where you disengage. Don't stay with someone because by outward appearances, parents are impressed.

Be single, go to therapy. Go and find activities for you, be it the gym, learning a language, crafting, whatever. Build a group of friends who you can meet even in a relationship.

Then go and find a boyfriend, one who treats you well, with whom the sex is great, is respectful, who let's you continue your life and enhances it, not replace it.

emilysquest · 22/10/2025 13:19

I still like sex, but did lots of things sexually when I was younger that I have either lost interest in now, or tried back then and didn't like so didn't carry on doing. That's perfectly normal. You don't have to explain yourself to him if he doesn't understand. This man is abusive and you need to get rid.

DrowningInSyrup · 22/10/2025 13:21

I agree with the PP Buy a strap on and tell him it's his lucky night.

Slowdownyouredoingfine · 22/10/2025 13:27

I don’t want to sound like an arse hole here, but your first relationship, or at least the one you were in love with… so many of us have similar tales. It’s not a new thing, heart break is something many of us experience. Pining, yearning, wondering. All normal. Not extraordinary. What you shouldn’t do is settle with the next guy you meet, because you deem him ‘a nice guy.’ Spoiler - he isn’t. There is a middle ground to be met, dump this guy he ain’t the one! Absolutely do not do anal with him. Work on your self esteem.

BennyBee · 22/10/2025 13:38

ForTipsyFinch · 22/10/2025 12:10

His moping, behaving like a manchild is because he feels entitled to do whatever he wants with your body. Sorry to say this isn’t a man who cares about you or he wouldn’t be behaving like this. I’m sure you wouldn’t stay friends with someone who resorts to manipulation tactics to get their way, so don’t tolerate it in a so called romantic partner.

sorry wrong quote!

BennyBee · 22/10/2025 13:39

WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 22/10/2025 12:09

EWW.

Let's not excuse abusive behaviour under the guide of insecurity because your partner is still into their ex. Lovely bit of victim blaming there, even though I'm sure you didn't mean it.

If you are feeling insecure because your partner is still into their ex, you have a conversation with them about it, and if that isn't working you end the relationship. You do not give them a shit test and sulk when they give you a perfectly reasonable boundary.

Show quote history

I know it is the done thing on MN to immediately read the worst possible motivation into anything men do but I don't think that is helpful or even slightly true about most men. There is no victim blaming, just an attempt at understanding at a slightly deeper level than kneejerk "what a bastard!"