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Original poster

Should I give in? (Sex-related question)

391 replies

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:10

Hi! I'm not a mom, so I'm not so sure if this is the place I can come to with my situation, but I figured I'd try because other forums I've given a shot have been disappointing or downright frustrating. (one word: manosphere) I hope I don't offend anyone by posting here.

Some background: current boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. Generally we have a solid relationship. We understand each other for the most part and I enjoy spending time with him. My attraction to him has had to grow; I showed an interest mostly because he is the kind of person I need right now, particularly after getting out of a ... rocky relationship. My ex was/is the complete opposite of current boyfriend, who is gentle, understanding, considerate, open to things I like and willing to try, too. While the physical aspect with current boyfriend has had to develop a bit, I was immediately head over heels for ex and the chemistry was sort of out of this world. In short, an overall very different vibe than the one I have with current boyfriend, which feels a lot more tame and safe in comparison.
I realized however that what I had with my ex was getting to me, it was unhealthy, and that I deserved more, better, from a potential partner than what I was receiving.

A couple of weeks ago current boyfriend and I got drunk together, it was a wonderful night. I made the crucial mistake, however, of getting so drunk I was no longer in control of what I was saying. I let it slip that I did certain sexual acts with my ex that I am not interested in doing again. There was no pressure or initiative from my ex there, it happened because I was curious about doing it with him. I am no longer curious about it. Ex and I never did it again.

This nugget of information has for some reason stuck to current boyfriend's brain, and, a day or two later: indeed, he asks me to try it with him, too. Says he'll be careful, will stop if it's too much, yada yada. And of course, the old, "You let him do it to you, why can't I?"

I said no. "Why?"

Because I don't care for it. I tried, didn't do anything for me, never did it again.

"But don't you think it's a bit unfair that you were willing to try, at least, with him, but won't with me?"

No.

Since then he has kind of been moping? Our sex life is generally not too wild, we usually do it maybe once or twice a week which is... a stark difference from my previous relationship... but it has completely died down. No sex. I know he gets off on his own, I have taken initiative, only to be cold shouldered. Besides sexually he has been distant emotionally, too. Did I hurt him or his ego so badly to deserve this? I can't imagine being angry in his place.

What do you think? I'd like to read some other perspectives from women, or perhaps people who have been through something similar with their partner?
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Original poster
TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:44

Honestly, I thought: maybe I should just go through it, it's usually quick anyways - and after that we can go back to normal? I would hate to lose this relationship, even though, yes, this has definitely shown me another side of him.

OP posts:
Bringemout · 22/10/2025 08:46

Oh he’s disgusting, you told him you found it painful and dislike it and he’s trying to make you experience pain again to prove you like him as much as your ex. He’s fucking gross. Get rid. DH asked once, I said no, not interested, never raised again.

Would you ask him to do something you know left him in enough pain that he cried just to please you? If you are horrified by that idea then you know how little of a shit he gives about your wellbeing. He is literally looking forward to inflicting pain on you. Prick.

InteriorPond · 22/10/2025 08:46

You have terrible taste in men, OP. But I didn’t even need to read all your OP to notice you said you only showed an interest in your current boyfriend because he was ‘what you needed’ after ‘getting out of a rocky relationship’. After a rocky relationship, what you need is to be single for a considerable period, to work on your self-esteem, understand your poor choices, figure out why you chose badly and stayed, once you realised he was awful. Because there’s a pattern here.

End this relationship and don’t enter another one.

Berthatydfil · 22/10/2025 08:46

”I dont want to hurt you”
“But I want to make you do an act you dont want to and is painful for you”
”cant you just bear the pain for me?”

This is not a good man. He wants you to do an act you don't want to and find painful and us happy for you to endure that pain for his sexual pleasure.

He is not a good man.

He will wear you down or get you too drunk to refuse and he will do it - he will rape you and he wont care if you dont want to or if it hurts you. He has told you so,

Dump him - now.

BlueSlate · 22/10/2025 08:48

And of course, the old, "You let him do it to you, why can't I?"

The answer being, you did it with your ex, can't you take the pain for a second for me, too? I think it's not even as much about the act itself, or intimacy, which was the reason why I tried it with the ex; I think it's a weird ego thing.

I think youre absolutely right. This is actually far more to do with his ego and being in some imaginary competition with another man than it is about having a fulfilling sex life with you.

If someone said that to me, especially the part about taking the pain for a second, I'd dump him immediately. There wouldn't even be a conversation about it.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 22/10/2025 08:48

Glowingup · 22/10/2025 08:26

First I was reading and thinking that it was good that you’ve found a nice guy. Then I read the last bit. He’s not a nice guy. He’s as much of an asshole as your ex is, he just dresses it up differently. Think covert rather than overt narcissist. Get rid of him, seriously.

Yep.

Hes happy for you to be in pain so he is "equal with" your ex or whatever.

Throw this one back!

DjCatnip · 22/10/2025 08:48

Bin him, what a cock

Starlight1984 · 22/10/2025 08:49

InteriorPond · 22/10/2025 08:46

You have terrible taste in men, OP. But I didn’t even need to read all your OP to notice you said you only showed an interest in your current boyfriend because he was ‘what you needed’ after ‘getting out of a rocky relationship’. After a rocky relationship, what you need is to be single for a considerable period, to work on your self-esteem, understand your poor choices, figure out why you chose badly and stayed, once you realised he was awful. Because there’s a pattern here.

End this relationship and don’t enter another one.

This. My thoughts exactly.

It doesn't even really sound like you want to be with this man. Just that you don't want to be single.

GarlicPound · 22/10/2025 08:49

you did it with your ex, can't you take the pain for a second for me, too?

This is truly shocking! Get out of there, please. Whatever his adorable qualities, this man sees you as a sexual utility. He feels entitled to hurt you. He would deliberately cause you pain for his pleasure.

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 22/10/2025 08:49

Any sex act that feels like "giving in to" rather than "enthusiastic consent for" is a sex act that you shouldn't do. Similarly for anything that you feel guilt-tripped into doing, or considering doing because will sulk if you don't. Enthusiastic consent is the base line. Anyone who tries to coerce you into doing something you don't want to do is not someone you should be with.

But it does seem like you've gone from one bad relationship to another. More importantly perhaps, your current relationship is based on a pretty dubious beginning where you really didn't seem that into him as a person but what you thought he represented. Might it be worth considering spending some time on your own, being comfortable with yourself, and thinking about what you really want from a relationship before entering into another one?

Alpacajigsaw · 22/10/2025 08:50

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:44

Honestly, I thought: maybe I should just go through it, it's usually quick anyways - and after that we can go back to normal? I would hate to lose this relationship, even though, yes, this has definitely shown me another side of him.

No, do not do this. You don’t want to do it. You’ve said no. He’s now wheedling and sulking like a giant toddler. He has no regard for your bodily autonomy and right to say no and is now withholding intimacy as a punishment. Just end it. He’s not a good one, even though he pretended to be

TiredOfLookingForAnswers · 22/10/2025 08:50

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:44

Honestly, I thought: maybe I should just go through it, it's usually quick anyways - and after that we can go back to normal? I would hate to lose this relationship, even though, yes, this has definitely shown me another side of him.

No, no, no! Definitely do not give in to his manipulative behaviour.
If you don’t want to lose this relationship, talk it through with him. If he still sulks, he’s really not worth your time. You will find someone better who actually doesn’t think it’s his right to do whatever he wants to your body no matter your thoughts and feelings.

CantBreathe90 · 22/10/2025 08:50

FWIW my partner of 10 years, knows some of my sex life previous to him (and I know his). Just as we must have chatted about every possible topic of conversation in the time we've known each other, and neither of us minds talking about exs in the abstract. It can be normal in some relationships to talk about this sort of thing, so don't beat yourself up there. Anyway, neither of us has ever pressured the other to do anything based on this. I also lived in different places with my exes, had different in-jokes, different activities we did together... they were different relationships!

I'd be blunt with your bf, if the relationship makes you happy and you think it's worth saving. "I've said no. I don't want to do anal with you because I've tried it and I hate it. It's out of order that you're pressuring me and it's wild that I'm even having to explain this to you". Go out somewhere nice / go home and do something for yourself so you're not agonising over it, and let him mull over what you've said. He'll hopefully be genuinely remorseful and you'll have an honest heart-to-heart. But if not, I'd throw him back x

MagpiePi · 22/10/2025 08:50

Ask him if you can slam his hand in a door. It might be painful but it'll be quick and you'd really like to try it.

Glowingup · 22/10/2025 08:51

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:44

Honestly, I thought: maybe I should just go through it, it's usually quick anyways - and after that we can go back to normal? I would hate to lose this relationship, even though, yes, this has definitely shown me another side of him.

Why do you want to stay in this relationship? He doesn’t give a shit about you and would see you in pain so that he can get his rocks off and feel equal to your ex.

Ask yourself, if he told you about something painful and humiliating that someone did to him, would you insist on being allowed to do that to him too because it would make you feel good? Thought not. Raise your standards. Seriously.

RogerR4bbit · 22/10/2025 08:51

This is a HUGE 🚩

If you’d told him “my ex punched me in the face once, it really hurt and obviously I never want to be hit again” and he said “I’ve always wondered what it would feel like to punch someone in the face. Can I hit you? Just once? I won’t use my full strength so it won’t hurt as much as when your ex hit you.” Would you consider letting him hit you?

What if he enjoys it and wants to do it again? You’ve let him once, so why can’t he do it again?

The answer should be a big fat NO.

But in truth, he never should have pushed it after your first no.

No means no. Don’t blur that boundary for anyone.

Original poster
TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:51

InteriorPond · 22/10/2025 08:46

You have terrible taste in men, OP. But I didn’t even need to read all your OP to notice you said you only showed an interest in your current boyfriend because he was ‘what you needed’ after ‘getting out of a rocky relationship’. After a rocky relationship, what you need is to be single for a considerable period, to work on your self-esteem, understand your poor choices, figure out why you chose badly and stayed, once you realised he was awful. Because there’s a pattern here.

End this relationship and don’t enter another one.

You're not wrong there. I do have terrible taste in men and I have rushed into relationships since breaking things off with my ex. There were two other guys in-between that I saw for two weeks each, approximately, nothing romantic/sexual happened, but I know these 'relationships' only transpired because I am trying to fill a void. I don't want to think about my current relationship as a void filler or God forbid a 'rebound', but I am cognizant there is indeed a pattern, and maybe a constant throughout. Everything is somehow a comparison to my ex.

OP posts:
PearlClutzsche · 22/10/2025 08:51

Get rid of this horrible man.
He wants to do things that cause you pain (which is bad enough) and is trying to make you feel like you owe it to him!
He us awful and abusive and doesn't care about you.

Throw him back.

EarringsandLipstick · 22/10/2025 08:53

GarlicPound · 22/10/2025 08:49

you did it with your ex, can't you take the pain for a second for me, too?

This is truly shocking! Get out of there, please. Whatever his adorable qualities, this man sees you as a sexual utility. He feels entitled to hurt you. He would deliberately cause you pain for his pleasure.

Exactly this. OP, I’m beyond shocked you’d even consider this, and have ANY desire to be in a relationship with him.

The man wants you to go through pain for a supposed benefit for him 🤮 horrendous.

End it. And get therapy.

BlueSlate · 22/10/2025 08:53

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:44

Honestly, I thought: maybe I should just go through it, it's usually quick anyways - and after that we can go back to normal? I would hate to lose this relationship, even though, yes, this has definitely shown me another side of him.

No.

This is not a relationship you should want to hold on to.

If you're looking for a life partner, a husband, a father for your children, for the 'rest of your life', this is not the man you want to choose.

YourFairCyanReader · 22/10/2025 08:53

The fact that you haven't had a strong attraction to him, or a lot of passion in your sex life, and that you were drunk when you said you'd tried it before... those are irrelevant to this situation.

Imagine you fancied the pants off him, had a really passionate sex life, and were sitting having coffee one morning.

  • What do you think about anal, would you do it?
  • Ah no, I've tried it once and hated it, wouldn't do it again.
  • Ok fair enough

Is the lack of attraction making you feel guilty and as if you owe him something?

Are you forcing yourself to have sex with him generally, if the attraction isn't strong? If so, why do you think you're putting yourself through this?

You can be alone - you don't need a relationship.

Tiswa · 22/10/2025 08:53

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:44

Honestly, I thought: maybe I should just go through it, it's usually quick anyways - and after that we can go back to normal? I would hate to lose this relationship, even though, yes, this has definitely shown me another side of him.

Why would you hate to lose this relationship?
because from what you have written it sounds as if you have almost forced yourself into it - that you have gone for someone you thought was the opposite to your ex someone trustworthy and dependable because that is what you thought you needed
and yet @TipsyOrca and yet he wants you to experience pain just so he can get the same pleasure as your ex, even though for all of your ex faults he didn’t get that pleasure

This isn’t right for you in so many levels and you are just clinging onto the idea of this relationship rather than an actual one. You don’t really know this man at all

BeanThereDoneIt · 22/10/2025 08:56

His mask has slipped OP and as others have said, this is not a good man. More things will come out as time goes on to show you this.

This should be an absolute deal breaker for you for such a huge number of reasons: doesn’t care about causing you pain, is in irrational competition with an ex, gives you the cold shoulder in response to a disagreement (if you can even call it that), sexually coercive behaviour.

Try to find the strength to leave him and move on.

Oum7683 · 22/10/2025 08:56

Two words you say to this man “f* off”

Offit · 22/10/2025 08:57

I only needed to read the title of your post to know the answer is no. You should never feel like you have to 'give in' in sex, whatever the act is. You aren't a funfair, for guys to have a go on all the rides and whinge that it's not fair if they can't have a go on this one - you're a person who gets to decide what you enjoy and what you do, you're not a provider of good times for him.

Tell him he's acting like a fucking child and ask if he really wants to coerce you into sex acts with him, because that's what this amounts to. Tell him you may never fuck him again because whining is incredibly unattractive. I'm sorry you're under this pressure, and this is incredibly shit of him.