Should I give in? (Sex-related question)

[TipsyOrca]

Hi! I'm not a mom, so I'm not so sure if this is the place I can come to with my situation, but I figured I'd try because other forums I've given a shot have been disappointing or downright frustrating. (one word: manosphere) I hope I don't offend anyone by posting here.

Some background: current boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. Generally we have a solid relationship. We understand each other for the most part and I enjoy spending time with him. My attraction to him has had to grow; I showed an interest mostly because he is the kind of person I need right now, particularly after getting out of a ... rocky relationship. My ex was/is the complete opposite of current boyfriend, who is gentle, understanding, considerate, open to things I like and willing to try, too. While the physical aspect with current boyfriend has had to develop a bit, I was immediately head over heels for ex and the chemistry was sort of out of this world. In short, an overall very different vibe than the one I have with current boyfriend, which feels a lot more tame and safe in comparison.
I realized however that what I had with my ex was getting to me, it was unhealthy, and that I deserved more, better, from a potential partner than what I was receiving.

A couple of weeks ago current boyfriend and I got drunk together, it was a wonderful night. I made the crucial mistake, however, of getting so drunk I was no longer in control of what I was saying. I let it slip that I did certain sexual acts with my ex that I am not interested in doing again. There was no pressure or initiative from my ex there, it happened because I was curious about doing it with him. I am no longer curious about it. Ex and I never did it again.

This nugget of information has for some reason stuck to current boyfriend's brain, and, a day or two later: indeed, he asks me to try it with him, too. Says he'll be careful, will stop if it's too much, yada yada. And of course, the old, "You let him do it to you, why can't I?"

I said no. "Why?"

Because I don't care for it. I tried, didn't do anything for me, never did it again.

"But don't you think it's a bit unfair that you were willing to try, at least, with him, but won't with me?"

No.

Since then he has kind of been moping? Our sex life is generally not too wild, we usually do it maybe once or twice a week which is... a stark difference from my previous relationship... but it has completely died down. No sex. I know he gets off on his own, I have taken initiative, only to be cold shouldered. Besides sexually he has been distant emotionally, too. Did I hurt him or his ego so badly to deserve this? I can't imagine being angry in his place.

What do you think? I'd like to read some other perspectives from women, or perhaps people who have been through something similar with their partner?
Thanks in advance!

What, in your view, is a good motivation for a man to attempt to coerce a woman into a sex act that she knows she hates, finds painful and brings her to tears?

How do you spin the man who does this into a good person?

Sounds horrible, misogynistic, coercive and selfish.

Never mind giving in. Dump him!

I do not think there is any good reason for a man to try to coerce a woman into having any kind of sex. I do think a little bit of pressure is normal and most people can stand their ground - but this goes beyond that and has clearly made the OP uncomfortable. As you will see, I have said she is right to leave this relationship.

My post was directed at OP's need to move on from both men and I gave her constructive advice along those lines.

Nowhere did I say he was a good person. I just noted that the OP had said that he was insecure. Your world might be morally black and white but most lives are full of shades of grey. Just don't put words into my mouth, Cheers.

I'm going to pretty much ignore the whole doing something sexually that you don't want to, and focus on your choice in men. I'm in the middle of my second hideous divorce - xh1 was massively abusive. Physically, emotionally, financially the whole shebang. So when I met xh2 he seemed great! Except that he wasn't, the only difference was that he wasn't physically abusive. I took a good break from men/relationships and had a lot of counselling. I can truthfully say it's been the most valuable thing I've ever done for myself. I can see my patterns, and I know why I was attracted to this type of man. I'm now with the most amazing man, it's the most healthy and honest relationship that I've ever had and I've 55. That's a long time to get there. So, please consider getting some counselling, and please do dump this manipulative man. It will only escalate, it always does.

Sexually, please don't do something that you don't want to. It does sound like an ego thing, but he's trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants, and that in itself is a massive red flag. And you most definitely shouldn't be zoning out during sex! Life is too short for bad sex. Please, please get out of this relationship, it's doing you harm.

I'm pretty black and white about coerced sex a woman clearly doesn't want, yes. And when a man is attempting it, then I definitely won't be taking morality lectures from someone who starts going into "shades of grey" and "worst possible motivation" and, whatever he claims, is clearly trying to water it down a bit and then turn me into the baddie for noticing it.

They're everywhere OP, and some of them don't even realise it, which is almost scarier.

If asked again, simply say: No, thank you. I’ve explained my reasoning behind it - however if you continue to bring it up and punish me by withdrawing from this relationship then I will have to reconsider what’s best for me going forwards.

No idea whether your current partner is a bad man, or a good man that has reacted very badly to this single issue, but you definitely shouldn't have any kind of sex that you don't want.

And if he can't accept that when you've communicated it very clearly, then he isn't the right man for you.

Of course you shouldn't! You don't have to oblige to any sexual acts if you are not comfortable with it. And if he chooses to leave you because of that, you count your blessings!

I agree with that for the most part.

It isn't always a good idea to be up front with details of what you've done in the past, especially if you didn't want to repeat it. However that's done now.

I can't tell whether your chap is, overall, a good man or not but he is not good for you if he's sulking over something like this. He's showing his true colours now.

Some relationships run their course, this one has so please move on. You are setting yourself up for hurt if you stay with him.

This has been a learning curve for you and no doubt you've had some good times so not all bad. However it's over, don't be in a rush to find someone else, enjoy your freedom. From now on you will be more discerning and, you'll see, things will happen, opportunities present themselves.

Good luck.

OP have you read up on the cycle of abuse, the trauma bond, the effects on your isolation levels and self esteem after a coercive relationship? Have you done the freedom programme?

You need to break it off with this man, AND stay well away from the ex.

Block them both on all avenues of contact as well as changing your number and email etc.

You need counselling or therapy.

Before I even got to the bit about sex ..it's obvious your forcing yourself to be with someone your not attracted to.
Then I read the sex bit ,and he's actually a dick .
The fact you said you didn't enjoy it with the ex and never did it again,should of meant he NEVER asked you to do it with him.
The fact he did and then sulked shows he is an absolute utter dick
Dump and run .

You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone you think would be good for you ..humans don't work like that ...that physical attraction needs to be there..or you might as just shag your next door neighbour,just for the sake of it

That's fucked up
Don't do this to yourself
You will loose respect for yourself

Launch him back to the manosphere, OP.

So basically his take is that you’re somehow duty bound to repeat all of your former sexual activities with him?

What 🤣🤣🤣

Tell him to grow up then fuck off.

Try reading my post properly? The point I'm making is that it's a dysfunctional relationship anyway, not the 'safe, caring' situation she seemed to believe it was. She's faking sexual interest which is so toxic and harmful to her. She's already in a sexually abusive relationship even before this happened.

'You did it with him so now you have to do it with me.'

Vile.

He's trying to mark his ownership on your body. Its like a dog pissing over a fence another dog has pissed on, to mark it as his.

In a solid relationship, it can be fine and "normal" to do things that aren't your favourite/don't do much for you as long as it's roughly reciprocal (he does what you prefer sometimes) and there's open communication about what's OK. Even in those cases, though, it's important to say no to anything that is going to be unpleasant for you or cause you regret later on. (In this case, you absolutely know what these things are because you've already experienced them and know how you felt during and after). And it's absolutely essential that the person who asks for a particular thing drops it when the partner says a clear "no".

Your boyfriend is bullying you. That's never OK.

And of course, the old, "You let him do it to you, why can't I?" Not "of course"!! That's a horrible thing for him to say. "But don't you think it's a bit unfair that you were willing to try, at least, with him, but won't with me?" "Unfair?" Does he think that sexual acts are something he's entitled to? This isn't normal; he doesn't understand (or doesn't respect) consent - and maybe doesn't understand that you're a person, not a thing.

Since then he has kind of been moping? ... I have taken initiative, only to be cold shouldered. Besides sexually he has been distant emotionally, too. Classic early signs of a potential abuser: he gives you the silent treatment and "punishes" you for not doing exactly what he wants. Did I hurt him or his ego so badly to deserve this? Nope, he's manipulating you. And telling or implying that you deserve it is part of the abuse.

Your ex wasn't right for you and neither is this creep. Use the experience to fine-tune what you need in a partner.

Absolutely DON’T do that!!!
You’ve said No, that’s the end of it….
If his mood change is down to that then I’d be binning him off….
He sounds awful!

This man clearly does not respect you if he's urging you to do something that hurt you so much, you have never done it again. He's happy to cause you pain so he can a)do something that he considers is owed to him because you did it once before/with your ex, and b) entirely for his sexual gratification.

This is a huge red flag. This man is garbage. End things.

Edited to add that no decent man would try to coerce someone they care about/are in a relationship with into doing anything they do not want to do.

Anyone who uses the term 'its not fair' about you not wanting to do a sexual act with them is not someone who should be in a sexual relationship, at least until they gain some emotional maturity.

Quite.

Life isn't fair. He needs to deal with this. This man needs to grow up. He's nothing but a petulant child.

People spin all the time. You're even doing it in this post.

Laying on thick a dramatic picture of coercision, pain, hate, bringing to tears. When the truth is OP excitedly and drunkly divulged to her existing partner she did anal once which she found uncomfortable.

This wasn't OP divulging a traumatic experience to her partner in a moment of vulnerability, that he is now exploiting. This was OP reliving a particularly adventurous bit of sex with her ex because she clearly enjoys thinking and talking about the sex life she had with him.

People aren't good and evil we all have both to varying degrees. Based on the evidence OP has provided I would say her existing partner is flawed and is using the fear of being inadequate in comparison to the ex as a rationalization into trying to manipulate OP into repeating the act with him. I think thats not uncommon. We saw it earlier in reverse with a delated thread from a woman using fears of being cheated on as rationalization for pretty poor behaviour. I wouldn't say that OP was an evil or bad person, just allowing fear to drive bad decisions.

I knew what my answer would be by your title. Nobody should be pressured into doing something in a sexual relationship that they don't want to. If your boyfriend can't accept that, then that's a dealbreaker and you end it,

OP, focusing on your last post: sorry, I've got no tips and tricks on how to stay away from ex, but I want to say please do stay away from him. Do whatever you need to do to make sure you don't contact him. Delete his number, call a friend when you feel tempted to text, promise yourself rewards for going x number of days w/out contacting him... whatever works. Just take care to coax yourself into not contacting him.

Your current relationship seems unlikely to last if sex is a chore after only a year (or apparently always has been). It's a shame that your mum will be disapproving if you end it, and your friendships are still not back to where they were pre-ex. You're in a tricky situation.

Perhaps try to strengthen some of your old friendships as you get ready to break things off with current boyfriend. You'll need people around. And can your mother try to talk sense into your father? He sounds like he's part of the problem. All the best!

Laying on thick a dramatic picture of coercision, pain, hate, bringing to tears. When the truth is OP excitedly and drunkly divulged to her existing partner she did anal once which she found uncomfortable.

Why should I read the rest of this post when you showed here that you didn't read OP's, and thus don't know that this was, in fact, exactly her response to the act itself, which is what I was clearly referring to?

I don't know if you didn't read it, didn't understand it or just don't care, but whatever the explanation, it's pretty much proof that you have nothing to contribute here, especially as the rest of the post is another attempt to water down nasty sexual coercion for something that did in fact have this effect. Sorry they keep creeping out, OP.