Page 14 | Should I give in? (Sex-related question)

TipsyOrca · 2025-10-22T07:10:29+00:00

Hi! I'm not a mom, so I'm not so sure if this is the place I can come to with my situation, but I figured I'd try because other forums I've given a shot have been disappointing or downright frustrating. (one word: manosphere) I hope I don't offend anyone by posting here. Some background: current boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. Generally we have a solid relationship. We understand each other for the most part and I enjoy spending time with him. My attraction to him has had to grow; I showed an interest mostly because he is the kind of person I need right now, particularly after getting out of a ... rocky relationship. My ex was/is the complete opposite of current boyfriend, who is gentle, understanding, considerate, open to things I like and willing to try, too. While the physical aspect with current boyfriend has had to develop a bit, I was immediately head over heels for ex and the chemistry was sort of out of this world. In short, an overall very different vibe than the one I have with current boyfriend, which feels a lot more tame and safe in comparison. I realized however that what I had with my ex was getting to me, it was unhealthy, and that I deserved more, better, from a potential partner than what I was receiving. A couple of weeks ago current boyfriend and I got drunk together, it was a wonderful night. I made the crucial mistake, however, of getting so drunk I was no longer in control of what I was saying. I let it slip that I did certain sexual acts with my ex that I am not interested in doing again. There was no pressure or initiative from my ex there, it happened because I was curious about doing it with him. I am no longer curious about it. Ex and I never did it again. This nugget of information has for some reason stuck to current boyfriend's brain, and, a day or two later: indeed, he asks me to try it with him, too. Says he'll be careful, will stop if it's too much, yada yada. And of course, the old, "You let him do it to you, why can't I?" I said no. "Why?" Because I don't care for it. I tried, didn't do anything for me, never did it again. "But don't you think it's a bit unfair that you were willing to try, at least, with him, but won't with me?" No. Since then he has kind of been moping? Our sex life is generally not too wild, we usually do it maybe once or twice a week which is... a stark difference from my previous relationship... but it has completely died down. No sex. I know he gets off on his own, I have taken initiative, only to be cold shouldered. Besides sexually he has been distant emotionally, too. Did I hurt him or his ego so badly to deserve this? I can't imagine being angry in his place. What do you think? I'd like to read some other perspectives from women, or perhaps people who have been through something similar with their partner? Thanks in advance!

playstupidgameswinstupidprizes · 23/10/2025 00:54

Valeriekat · 23/10/2025 00:53

Horrifying that you can think this. OP explicitly describes her pain.
What sort of monster are you?

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A porn addled man, 100 %

toottoot3 · 23/10/2025 01:06

Discuss his thoughts on the word consent

Franjipanl8r · 23/10/2025 01:34

This would be a massive turn off. I wouldn’t want a partner who couldn’t take no for an answer. He’s acting like a spoilt child over something that requires acceptance and respect.

Original poster

TipsyOrca · 23/10/2025 07:28

Hi all! I want to first thank everyone for the words of support and most of all sense that I was/am needing. I don't know if notifications are sent when I post here, but I do hope this gets to everyone who offered me their advice or even bits of their own personal stories, both I really appreciate.
As for the situation right now, current boyfriend and I had a conversation about his sulking and moping. Some suggested I ask him straight up if it was because of the info he now had so I did. He answered "No" which I was expecting. I tried to press on and he did relent, saying he felt I was willing to try things with ex that I won't with him, and apparently it's about more than the act in question. He has had his doubts about my feelings and has been in his head about being "as good as my ex", so my refusal to him felt like another rejection on top of that, he said. I didn't really know what to tell him. He is in the right a bit I suppose about the chemistry we have and the nature of our relationship. It's not at the kind of honeymoon stage it probably should be 1 year in.
I figured it was a good time to be honest. I shared that I felt good and safe with him but that his reaction put me off, that I hadn't expected such words from him. Especially the take the pain bit, it is scary to hear that. His response: "I stick by what I said, any man would want the same opportunity."
Ugh. I got out. (We do live together, have been for about 3 months.) Went to walk my dog. I did make a bit of a mistake on this walk, kind of as expected. I sent the dreaded ex text as I was walking, crying, on the street. A reply was pretty immediate, also as expected. I hate that my head instantly went "Maybe he'll be different this time around? And let me be myself? Was he really so bad?". Answers obviously No, No, Probably. He let me know he has stayed single "for a reason" which does mess with my head a bit but I kept things cordial... I think some part of me maybe needed just that to be able to leave it (ex) behind?
I got back to the apartment after my walk and told boyfriend I needed some space. He came to the conclusion that that meant breaking up possibly forever which I didn't bother denying or confirming... just hammered on the space and time bit.
I am not so sure what to do now. We have not spoken since that convo.
Appartment is his. So I am going to pack my stuff tonight, at least part of it, and get a hotel in the city, somewhere they will take my dog too as the dog is mine and I don't trust him with her. Haven't told anyone except ex, need some time to prepare mentally as to tell my mom and friends. For now the hotel it will be. Soon I want to take your advice and see a therapist despite my own bad experience as a teenager, I do hope I follow through with it. It is in my own hands I realize.

OP posts:

InteriorPond · 23/10/2025 07:35

Well, I’m glad you’ve ended this relationship, but it’s concerning your first action was to tell your ex — why? Are you signalling to him you’re back on the market??? Despite him being awful?

diddl · 23/10/2025 07:38

It's a shame that you contacted your ex-but that doesn't mean that you have to again.

Don't get taken in by the shit he's talking.

It's manipulative bollocks.

You don't need him.

Dery · 23/10/2025 07:41

It’s good that you’re ending this relationship especially since he doubled down on his position. You need discipline around your ex. You seem to be looking for reasons to get back with him despite him being abusive. How about deleting his number from your phone? Perhaps tell some other friends ASAP.

3luckystars · 23/10/2025 07:43

Ok well if you wouldn’t trust your dog with him, don’t trust your heart with him.

Please try to stay single and not jump into another wrong thing ! !!!!

3luckystars · 23/10/2025 07:45

Not sure of the artist the message
is good:

Should I give in? (Sex-related question)

Adooree · 23/10/2025 07:46

InteriorPond · 23/10/2025 07:35

Well, I’m glad you’ve ended this relationship, but it’s concerning your first action was to tell your ex — why? Are you signalling to him you’re back on the market??? Despite him being awful?

@TipsyOrca

Yes I agree with the above poster , you have it in your head that you have to be with a man .
It will be scary for you , because it seems like it might be the way you think it has to be , but try living your life for you ( and your dog ) you don't need to have a man in your life , it doesn't make you a whole person , you already are .

EBearhug · 23/10/2025 07:48

Many men would like the opportunity - but many men will also accept no for an answer, which is as it should be.

KM99 · 23/10/2025 08:05

Sulking and denial as a form of getting you to do some you don't want to do is coercion. Doesn't matter what the sexual act is. I couldn't continue a relationship with someone who did that.

I also say this with kindness, if sounds like you are compromising to be with a safe man who you don't feel a real spark with. You can have both - trust, respect, kindness and sexual compatibility.

Missj25 · 23/10/2025 08:05

TipsyOrca · 23/10/2025 07:28

Hi all! I want to first thank everyone for the words of support and most of all sense that I was/am needing. I don't know if notifications are sent when I post here, but I do hope this gets to everyone who offered me their advice or even bits of their own personal stories, both I really appreciate.
As for the situation right now, current boyfriend and I had a conversation about his sulking and moping. Some suggested I ask him straight up if it was because of the info he now had so I did. He answered "No" which I was expecting. I tried to press on and he did relent, saying he felt I was willing to try things with ex that I won't with him, and apparently it's about more than the act in question. He has had his doubts about my feelings and has been in his head about being "as good as my ex", so my refusal to him felt like another rejection on top of that, he said. I didn't really know what to tell him. He is in the right a bit I suppose about the chemistry we have and the nature of our relationship. It's not at the kind of honeymoon stage it probably should be 1 year in.
I figured it was a good time to be honest. I shared that I felt good and safe with him but that his reaction put me off, that I hadn't expected such words from him. Especially the take the pain bit, it is scary to hear that. His response: "I stick by what I said, any man would want the same opportunity."
Ugh. I got out. (We do live together, have been for about 3 months.) Went to walk my dog. I did make a bit of a mistake on this walk, kind of as expected. I sent the dreaded ex text as I was walking, crying, on the street. A reply was pretty immediate, also as expected. I hate that my head instantly went "Maybe he'll be different this time around? And let me be myself? Was he really so bad?". Answers obviously No, No, Probably. He let me know he has stayed single "for a reason" which does mess with my head a bit but I kept things cordial... I think some part of me maybe needed just that to be able to leave it (ex) behind?
I got back to the apartment after my walk and told boyfriend I needed some space. He came to the conclusion that that meant breaking up possibly forever which I didn't bother denying or confirming... just hammered on the space and time bit.
I am not so sure what to do now. We have not spoken since that convo.
Appartment is his. So I am going to pack my stuff tonight, at least part of it, and get a hotel in the city, somewhere they will take my dog too as the dog is mine and I don't trust him with her. Haven't told anyone except ex, need some time to prepare mentally as to tell my mom and friends. For now the hotel it will be. Soon I want to take your advice and see a therapist despite my own bad experience as a teenager, I do hope I follow through with it. It is in my own hands I realize.

Morning OP , I’m rushing for work , just like to say though , stay away from Ex .. x x

ThatCyanCat · 23/10/2025 08:18

he felt I was willing to try things with ex that I won't with him, and apparently it's about more than the act in question.... Especially the take the pain bit, it is scary to hear that. His response: "I stick by what I said, any man would want the same opportunity."

He's so disgusting. He wants to do this thing (and no, not all men are into anal. I'm very much not and I have met the ones who are and the ones who aren't, and even if they were so fucking what, doesn't mean any woman has to do it) and he's trying to coerce you with emotional blackmail, pretending it's not actually just about the fetish but something more emotional. The equivalent of "if you loved me you'd do it, this means you don't love me..."

And I hope you don't, this arsehole does not deserve to be loved. Stay away from him, the ex, and people on here calling it overly dramatic and pearl clutching and whatever else they think will trivialise it. You'll be fine. There are decent men out there, I promise.

Original poster

TipsyOrca · 23/10/2025 08:21

Missj25 · 23/10/2025 08:05

Morning OP , I’m rushing for work , just like to say though , stay away from Ex .. x x

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Good morning, I hope you have a good day. Will try, at least. Thank you. :)

OP posts:

Original poster

TipsyOrca · 23/10/2025 08:24

InteriorPond · 23/10/2025 07:35

Well, I’m glad you’ve ended this relationship, but it’s concerning your first action was to tell your ex — why? Are you signalling to him you’re back on the market??? Despite him being awful?

I didn't mean to, at least not consciously. I sent him a photo of my dog, she was his once too. We talked a bit about life and he asked if I was still with my boyfriend. I said we are going through a bit of a rough patch. I know that is how it starts, though. I'm a bit proud of being cognizant of that at least. I deleted our convo to not be reminded, I think that will help. Or hope.

OP posts:

Kubricklayer · 23/10/2025 08:27

I suspect you're contacting your ex because short term it gives you a lift, and gives you a reprieve from the recent relationship strains. He'll shower you with compliments, make false promises etc just to get a quick shag.

However, if you allow him back into your life it will by alot worse for your long term well being. He's not kept himself single. He's most likely been unable to hold on to a partner due to a proven track record of selfishness and unreliability.

Don't delay speaking to your mum and friends. No doubt the conversations will be difficult and emotional but they're also necessary in order to truly break this cycle you have of returning to your ex.

Schoolchoicesucks · 23/10/2025 08:29

You have done the right thing in instigating the split with your partner. Immediately texting the ex was not a good move though. I hope you really know that.
Block ex's number from your phone if you can't trust yourself not to contact him. You absolutely need to spend time understanding yourself, being able to be alone, maintain your healthy relationships with friends and family and not look to the "bad ex" or someone who is the opposite of him to fill a gap in your life. You hated therapy previously, but good therapy has to be better than bad relationships.

VoodooQualities · 23/10/2025 08:49

You need some time away from men. I think you are your own worst enemy.

InteriorPond · 23/10/2025 08:58

VoodooQualities · 23/10/2025 08:49

You need some time away from men. I think you are your own worst enemy.

This. You seem to think you need to be in a relationship, despite having an obvious pattern of making really poor choices, and moving in with them far too fast. Live alone, have therapy, work on your self-esteem. Don’t date. Don’t contact either ex.

Arrivederla · 23/10/2025 09:22

ThatCyanCat · 22/10/2025 18:43

It's an additional shame that you think this is about "feeling righteous" and can't grasp that it's about a woman being coerced into an act she finds traumatising. It's a very egotistical take. However, I don't expect a person who waters down such coercion, and thinks it's "pearl clutching" to take it seriously, to understand that.

Put your ego aside. This isn't about you and it's appalling to trivialise it the way you're doing.

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Exactly this.

InteriorPond · 23/10/2025 09:32

TipsyOrca · 23/10/2025 08:24

I didn't mean to, at least not consciously. I sent him a photo of my dog, she was his once too. We talked a bit about life and he asked if I was still with my boyfriend. I said we are going through a bit of a rough patch. I know that is how it starts, though. I'm a bit proud of being cognizant of that at least. I deleted our convo to not be reminded, I think that will help. Or hope.

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For heaven’s sake, OP. Stop making excuses. The moment you recognise you’re in yet another shitty relationship, you reconnect with the unpleasant ex before him, and immediately fill him in on the ‘bad patch’ you’re going through?

You might as well go over to his house in your knickers with an ‘Available Again’ sign around your neck. Block his number and delete any method of communication.

BennyBee · 23/10/2025 10:19

You have done the right thing, OP. I hope you find the right path forward and aren't tempted to go backward to the ex. You will only find true love when you love yourself first. It sounds like you have lots of practical questions such as finding a home for yourself to deal with right now, so my suggestion would be to put men on the back burner for a while. It is hard to keep away from someone you love but you know is bad for you, I get it, but you will find the strength. Sending good wishes x

YourWinter · 23/10/2025 10:33

InteriorPond · 23/10/2025 09:32

For heaven’s sake, OP. Stop making excuses. The moment you recognise you’re in yet another shitty relationship, you reconnect with the unpleasant ex before him, and immediately fill him in on the ‘bad patch’ you’re going through?

You might as well go over to his house in your knickers with an ‘Available Again’ sign around your neck. Block his number and delete any method of communication.

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You’ve summed it up perfectly.

OP you’re just one of the women your first ex can pick. Let it go, you’re like a lovesick teenager.
“I didn’t mean to…”
But you did.

JFDIYOLO · 23/10/2025 10:39

Oh, love. You're so SO young to have been through all this.

Do you have siblings? Friends you could contact?

I'm so sorry your relationship with your parents seems to have broken down. I wonder if it was an awful upbringing and childhood? This can leave scars that influence decisions and behaviour lifelong, including attitudes to men and their expectations and behaviour.

Please try to stay away from the ex. A much older man who is attracted to a young girl, tries a yucky sex act then doesn't let her go? He does not sound good. I wonder how old you were when you first got together. It would be best to delete and block him.

I hope you've found somewhere to stay with DDog

The best thing you could do for yourself would be to find some therapy. And learn that you don't have to be in a relationship. Until you're healed and ready.