Dating thread 53 - 2025. Cuffing Season

[ElleintheWoods]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
• Develop a thick skin
• Do not invest emotionally too soon
• It's all BS until it actually happens
• Trust your gut instinct
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
• Know your wortH
• If it's not fun, stop
• Loo update is mandatory
• No dating the thread
• Treat others as you'd like to be treated
• Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
• The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
• OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I’ve been seeing MrMaths who’s lovely (so far) so I’ve let go of the idea of anything transpiring with MrElusive. Its a real shame cause I liked him and the chemistry was strong.

@PinkNeonSign chemistry may be overrated. Seeing MrMaths sounds like multiple outings?

Yeah @Nosdacariad there have been a few dates and recently, a sleepover. It’s early days but it’s been great so far. I’m trying to adapt to dating, post divorce in my forties with two children to look after and not get ahead of myself. I’m also trying not to ruin it by reverting to type and bypassing him to run after the relative bad boy that’s MrElusive which is what I would have done in my twenties.

So I saw the fireman again on Sunday and I suspect I may be somewhere in between a fuck buddy and a situationship. He came to see me despite unexpectedly having very little time because he as going away the next day. Had an amazing few hours.

He's since added me on Instagram but messaging is sporadic (god I feel like a teenager). But get he's away with family.

I get back from my parents on Saturday afternoon and he put it in his calendar to come and see me that evening (will be happily surprised if it happens!). We have amazing sex then fun chats afterwards / in between but I think I may be getting a little crush so have to tread carefully!

End of fireman update.

Well both @PinkNeonSign and @CleanShirt are doing better than me.

MrX is being a 🍆again.

Mr Mod may be ok.

Mr Spray is a massive klingon (eleventy billion texts an hour with no reply from me).

Hello all.
I was just wondering about "Chemistry".
Is it just fancying someone, or is it that AND a synchronicity of thoughts and feelings and combining personalities?
Basically, is it just a polite word for lust ?

(And in case you were wondering, I've got nothing against lust, it's got quite a lot going for it, despite the pickle it can occasionally get you into.)

@Quiteolddad I think its more than lust, its a connection on different levels. When my ex and I first spoke, it was for 9hrs. No flirting, just chat, like we had known each other all our lives. When i saw him, i thought he was nice but not like i wanted to jump on him. Same each time even in person. He moved it to a relationship but id say for both of us, it was like a thunderbolt. Sadly it didnt work out and I have to keep reminding myself that chemistry doesn't necessarily mean you are suited for the long haul.

It has to be both really I think, lust is good and bad , in my last relationship we both fancied each other a lot from the beginning, but maybe the personalities didn’t quite match really and that’s why it unfortunately failed, also subsequently found that she had already met someone who was probably a better match- so she moved on almost immediately from me.

Eugh I'm sorry. Mr Spray sounds very annoying!!

Fireman definitely has the potential to make me sad due to aforementioned crush so having to think / tread carefully.

I think it's very individual, changes with age and experience and is immensely hard to define.

Side note - I remember a friend saying "how do you know if you fancy someone if you can't smell them?" and there is research suggesting that those with reduced sense of smell have lower libidos.

Pheromones?

@CleanShirt yes please keep those emotional guard rails on for a little while.

Mr Spray - I can't bring myself to reply because I don't want amnother twenty messages on two platforms. He probably wonders why he gets ghosted 😅

Mr X - there is a reason why he is ex. I've been so patient. I know he's lying when his lips are moving and I've gone no contact (again) with Mr Tom Baker Scarf (aka Mr X).

Mr Mod still gently about.

. I know he's lying when his lips are moving

sounds like my Ex as well !, she would lie about the most daft things- it was infuriating,

@BeAppleNow I think when people lie as a matter of course about things where the truth is just as easy it is basically part of their character.

Yeah, I know what you mean, my ex rewrote her timeline and said had met someone as friends- which became more than friends- after we has split up. - but I recently found out that was seeing this other person while we were still together- and she is just telling her friends that to stop her looking bad now

That's sort of predictably bad.

MrX told everyone including me and work he had double vision so they would drive him around (me) and let him WFH (work) and that's not even his biggest fib 😅

😮

My last relationship (2 years) he was a rabid people pleaser and would lie about absolutely everything if it made him look like the good guy, It was exhausting.
Even several years after we split, people still said things to me he’d told them and I was like wtf???

Lust definitely comes into it but it’s a bit more than that for me. It’s being able to talk and laugh together, and having similar reference points and values, so that you have a natural spark and connection. It’s being able to connect emotionally and not just physically. I need intelligence in the mix too, and someone who ‘gets’ me.
It’ll be slightly different for everyone but when it’s there you know it and can feel it. It develops over time but when it’s not been there, it’s noticeable and I tend not to pursue anything.

It’s a very individual thing. Personally I’m a slow burn and I don’t get that instant sexual attraction spark.
I’ve never had an ‘omg I want to rip your clothes off’ moment in my life.

For me it’s about feeling I connect with that person and want to spend more time with them. It’s more of a flutter for me than fireworks.

Hmmmm I wouldn’t say so. I never feel immediate lust for anyone. However with someone I have chemistry with, lust is achievable within a couple of hours.

There are steps if you like:

1. Their presence catches me out. Ie I see them, and I’m immediately hyper focused on them. It’s not feature-based as such, it’s a vibe. It’s hard to describe in words other than ‘open’. Usually there’s mutual eye contact and a smile, and I’m gone. Perhaps it’s just mutual instant interest? But it’s a special moment that doesn’t happen often, maybe once every couple of years
2. We exchange words. Doesn’t have to be a full-on conversation, sometimes the first interaction has been just ‘hi, is this space free?’ But the tone, what they say, body language is a huge decider. If they don’t come across friendly, kind, considerate, polite, maybe even funny, in that first interaction, that’s it
3. First proper conversation. As PP said, it feels like you’ve known them for ages, you find it so easy to talk, probably have tons in common. The conversation flows naturally to random topics and neither of you wants to stop. Just you 2 exist, nobody else
4. Lust. Even though you’ve just met this person, you want to feel them close, kiss them. usually I’d have zero interest in kissing someone I just met
5. Everytime you’re about to see them or interact with them subsequently, butterflies

Considering how many people I’d pass over a year, that’s one person out of 100,000.

When there’s chemistry, nothing feels forced, everything just flows because both want it to flow.

Anyway, that’s my experience, I’m sure others’ will differ

Guys please help! MrMaths has a big birthday between Christmas and new year, we’ve only known each other for about six weeks, will I get him something? If so what? I won’t do a card as I don’t want to provoke a conversation with his family that he and I haven’t had yet.

Take him out somewhere nice for dinner?
Bake him a cake?

I wouldn’t spend loads at this point as it can feel a bit pressured (on either side) but something like that to signal you care and to mark the occasion.

I think maybe take him out for dinner and buy a cake and or a bottle of his favourite tipple if he drinks?

Depending on budget, chocs, a book, a nice bottle of wine? A cheese or foody thing you know he likes?

Don't spend a lot xxx

Hope everyone had a lovely, stress free Christmas!

Fireman was absent as per while he was away for Christmas, which I guess was fair. Been left on read again 😕 he's supposed to be coming round tomorrow night, place your bets on whether he actually turns up or not!