Page 22 | Dating thread 53 - 2025. Cuffing Season

ElleintheWoods · 2025-10-21T19:20:32+00:00

The Rules: - The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating - Develop a thick skin - Do not invest emotionally too soon - It's all BS until it actually happens - Trust your gut instinct - People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault - Know your wortH - If it's not fun, stop - Loo update is mandatory - No dating the thread - Treat others as you'd like to be treated - Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with - The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future - OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

bluedabadeedabadoo · 28/11/2025 09:56

Yer I don’t think it would be a deal breaker for me but I would be miffed a bit. Mr Beard paid for our dinner date before I had a chance to offer to split. I did later offer to send him some money over but he said I can just pay next time and with coffees we have been alternating.

bluedabadeedabadoo · 28/11/2025 10:04

Morning guys. So reflecting on my level of anxiety over the last few days regarding Mr Beard (who I don’t think has done anything wrong) I decided that I have 2 options; end it or see if I can get some support from my GP pending me accessing therapy and I have an appointment today.
The level of anxiety I’ve been experiencing has just been overwhelming and it’s definitely not proportionate to what’s going on and is all about me and not him. As well as the usual over analysing and overthink every text message, I’ve been struggling to focus on anything, have been distant from my son and haven’t been sleeping and I really can’t go on like this. Im
not sure what the GP can offer but fingers crossed. I do feel stupid seeking help for this and feel like they may say ‘well just don’t be in a relationship/ date if it’s this bad and this is the only time it really affects you’ but I do deserve to be happy and share my life with someone. I’ve been single for 6 years. I shouldn’t have to be single forever.

TwistedWonder · 28/11/2025 10:21

@Ceci693 - it’s personal choice but personally I’d be dumping any man who didn’t go down on me regularly. I prefer oral to PIV personally.

Most men I’ve met love giving oral and seeing their partner reach orgasm that way

comingintomyown · 28/11/2025 10:41

ElleintheWoods · 28/11/2025 08:52

@comingintomyown Hmmm I don’t disagree with you but also going to offer a different perspective.

This is date 4, not date 1. So at this point I’d have expected to pay for one of the dates in full (I’m more of a ‘take turns’ rather than ‘split’ kind of person). I’d not have been happy being stuck with a full dinner bill if it’s the first dinner and earlier dates have been cheaper - he should have offered to split. But also, you asked him - so some people have the impression that whoever is asking the other to do an activity should pay.

About the compliments… Doesn’t he even say ‘evening, wow you look lovely in that dress, I like your earrings’ or something like that when he first sees you? I’d say that’s basic manners, I’d even say this to a female friend when meeting up with them, unless they turn up in a tracksuit or something 😇

If compliments/ your efforts being noticed is important to you, maybe he’s not your guy? I was with a guy that never complimented for 10+ years and I should have picked that up early on. Felt sad how he never said anything to me, but literally every other man everywhere did compliment me.

Thank you, you have articulated how I feel and my XH never paid me any attention or complimented me after the first few weeks even on our wedding day. I need to accept that it’s important to me and stop wasting time feeling like I’m anti feminist or something.
I know that after effectively almost 35 years without such attention going online and getting showered with compliments turned my head a bit. I have settled down now though and see how most of it is fake, trying to get sex or copy and paste messaging. There have been a couple of genuine people though but it hasn’t worked out so I guess I just need to keep going !
Apologies for not engaging with anyone else’s stuff I will get to that, I am really happy I posted thank you for the comments

bluedabadeedabadoo · 28/11/2025 10:43

Ceci693 · 28/11/2025 09:50

Welcome to all the new people! I love hearing your stories. For me I’ve had to let big dog go. We had a phone call on Wednesday and it just got the ick a tiny bit. He talked about his ex wife a lot. Brought her into a lot of his stories. I understand that she’s the mother of his kids but they seem to have a very close relationship which is good I guess but she stays over regularly - in their daughters room he did say - but even in his other stories she always seemed to feature. So Mr Russian came through eventually and we are meeting tonight and staying over. I am so excited I feel like a teenager. The chemistry was out of this world last time and I realise you don’t find that very often . The only thing I want to ask - and don’t reply if it’s too personal - but he wanted to do oral on me last time and I’ve always been really uncomfortable with it so I said no . He’s been hinting at it again. Am I being silly. It does feel good but I can’t help thinking why would a guy want to do that - I’m a bit grossed out tbh. Should I get over myself

Yea if you enjoy it and he wants to absolutely let him! Im not a massive fan and prefer digital penetration or both but if a man wants to I’d certainly let them but I’d never ask a man to do this. I think many men like giving oral as many women can only really orgasm this way.

Original poster

ElleintheWoods · 28/11/2025 12:51

@Ceci693 A lot of men seem to really enjoy it and get a lot out of it, so if you aren't uncomfortable with it, there's nothing unusual with a man wanting to do it. I understand that it's a big turn-on for many.

@bluedabadeedabadoo Hope you get some support! Maybe CBT? Not going to lie, once I realise I really like someone, I can feel some anxiety (e.g. thinking about the situation all day and unable to focus, checking phone a lot) and it's unpleasant. But your feelings sound very intense and I'm sorry you're having to go through that. Can I ask your age range? For me, this was highly hormone-driven, and largely ended when I 'corrected' my hormones. Seems to affect many women 30-40 in particular as I hear it from others.

@comingintomyown Thank you, I do think recognising your own needs and preferences is important, and seems you know yours. Of course relationships involve compromise, but if it's important to you that a man recognises you're a good-looking woman that makes an effort with her looks or similar, or a guy that likes to text and call regularly, not just every few days, and if the lack of it is a frustration early on, IMO it'll continue to be a frustration later on, as there will be a constant unmet need. It's also hard asking people to change their behaviour to meet your needs, as it'd be coming from a place of 'I must do this as these are the rules' as opposed to 'I want to do this as her presence makes me wants to say this/ do this and it's coming from the heart.

OP posts:

Kat888 · 28/11/2025 12:52

@Ceci693 if you like it and are comfortable go ahead. From my experience men love doing it.

bluedabadeedabadoo · 28/11/2025 13:22

ElleintheWoods · 28/11/2025 12:51

@Ceci693 A lot of men seem to really enjoy it and get a lot out of it, so if you aren't uncomfortable with it, there's nothing unusual with a man wanting to do it. I understand that it's a big turn-on for many.

@bluedabadeedabadoo Hope you get some support! Maybe CBT? Not going to lie, once I realise I really like someone, I can feel some anxiety (e.g. thinking about the situation all day and unable to focus, checking phone a lot) and it's unpleasant. But your feelings sound very intense and I'm sorry you're having to go through that. Can I ask your age range? For me, this was highly hormone-driven, and largely ended when I 'corrected' my hormones. Seems to affect many women 30-40 in particular as I hear it from others.

@comingintomyown Thank you, I do think recognising your own needs and preferences is important, and seems you know yours. Of course relationships involve compromise, but if it's important to you that a man recognises you're a good-looking woman that makes an effort with her looks or similar, or a guy that likes to text and call regularly, not just every few days, and if the lack of it is a frustration early on, IMO it'll continue to be a frustration later on, as there will be a constant unmet need. It's also hard asking people to change their behaviour to meet your needs, as it'd be coming from a place of 'I must do this as these are the rules' as opposed to 'I want to do this as her presence makes me wants to say this/ do this and it's coming from the heart.

Thankyou. Im On the waiting list for interpersonal therapy already so will have to see what that brings. I’m 41. I think I’ve always been like this but I definitely think it’s got worse since my last relationship. I’m not sure if that’s because of my hormones or because of my experience in my last relationship which was basically rejection and being blind sighted after 2 years together. I suppose when I sense rejection I try to control or foresee what happens next to protect myself from what I experienced before.

Nosdacariad · 28/11/2025 13:45

comingintomyown · 28/11/2025 07:14

I don’t really know. Logically it doesn’t make sense to stop seeing someone over money and I don’t doubt he would “get the next one “ but I think he should have offered rather than assumed.
Also I made an effort with my appearance and honestly wouldn’t look much better unless I was actually getting married or something ! Still no comment from him and as per my opening post, many messages and 4 dates in not a word on being attractive to him.
I agree with a pp who said the “hey sexy” messages thrown around are a turn off but I am talking about after sustained contact the odd compliment would be nice. I am not needing constant reassurance and I have good self esteem, I think perhaps having been single for such a long time it’s why it’s important 🤷🏼‍♀️

Things will not get any better on the money front.

Nosdacariad · 28/11/2025 13:50

Ceci693 · 28/11/2025 09:50

Welcome to all the new people! I love hearing your stories. For me I’ve had to let big dog go. We had a phone call on Wednesday and it just got the ick a tiny bit. He talked about his ex wife a lot. Brought her into a lot of his stories. I understand that she’s the mother of his kids but they seem to have a very close relationship which is good I guess but she stays over regularly - in their daughters room he did say - but even in his other stories she always seemed to feature. So Mr Russian came through eventually and we are meeting tonight and staying over. I am so excited I feel like a teenager. The chemistry was out of this world last time and I realise you don’t find that very often . The only thing I want to ask - and don’t reply if it’s too personal - but he wanted to do oral on me last time and I’ve always been really uncomfortable with it so I said no . He’s been hinting at it again. Am I being silly. It does feel good but I can’t help thinking why would a guy want to do that - I’m a bit grossed out tbh. Should I get over myself

Try anything once? But only if you want to.

The ex sounds way too in touch for him to be fully available.

BeAppleNow · 28/11/2025 13:55

Ceci693 · 28/11/2025 09:50

Welcome to all the new people! I love hearing your stories. For me I’ve had to let big dog go. We had a phone call on Wednesday and it just got the ick a tiny bit. He talked about his ex wife a lot. Brought her into a lot of his stories. I understand that she’s the mother of his kids but they seem to have a very close relationship which is good I guess but she stays over regularly - in their daughters room he did say - but even in his other stories she always seemed to feature. So Mr Russian came through eventually and we are meeting tonight and staying over. I am so excited I feel like a teenager. The chemistry was out of this world last time and I realise you don’t find that very often . The only thing I want to ask - and don’t reply if it’s too personal - but he wanted to do oral on me last time and I’ve always been really uncomfortable with it so I said no . He’s been hinting at it again. Am I being silly. It does feel good but I can’t help thinking why would a guy want to do that - I’m a bit grossed out tbh. Should I get over myself

That’s very interesting re oral, for the lady I’m seeing oral ( for parties ) is mandatory

BeAppleNow · 28/11/2025 14:36

Both parties …

Nosdacariad · 28/11/2025 20:11

Meeting Mr SA tomorrow.

PinkNeonSign · 28/11/2025 22:11

What does MrSA stand for
again @Nosdacariad?

Nosdacariad · 28/11/2025 22:26

PinkNeonSign · 28/11/2025 22:11

What does MrSA stand for
again @Nosdacariad?

It doesn't matter now because this evening he attributed something another woman had said to me. Not a problem.

He then sent me screenshots of their conversation and made disparaging remarks about her. A big problem.

So I've bowed out.

PinkNeonSign · 28/11/2025 22:44

Yeah, that’s disappointing @Nosdacariad on to the next xx

BoxOfCats · 29/11/2025 01:18

bluedabadeedabadoo · 28/11/2025 10:04

Morning guys. So reflecting on my level of anxiety over the last few days regarding Mr Beard (who I don’t think has done anything wrong) I decided that I have 2 options; end it or see if I can get some support from my GP pending me accessing therapy and I have an appointment today.
The level of anxiety I’ve been experiencing has just been overwhelming and it’s definitely not proportionate to what’s going on and is all about me and not him. As well as the usual over analysing and overthink every text message, I’ve been struggling to focus on anything, have been distant from my son and haven’t been sleeping and I really can’t go on like this. Im
not sure what the GP can offer but fingers crossed. I do feel stupid seeking help for this and feel like they may say ‘well just don’t be in a relationship/ date if it’s this bad and this is the only time it really affects you’ but I do deserve to be happy and share my life with someone. I’ve been single for 6 years. I shouldn’t have to be single forever.

Sorry to hear that. It does sound like perhaps there’s something deeper going on that’s driving the anxiety.
The only helpful advice I can offer is that you might find the book “Detached” by Sabrina Alexis Bendory useful to read. I’m still only about 3/4 through but finding it really useful to understand why I get so anxious at times in relationships, some of the dynamics in my previous relationships, and how to not feel so anxious this time around.

BoxOfCats · 29/11/2025 01:19

Nosdacariad · 28/11/2025 22:26

It doesn't matter now because this evening he attributed something another woman had said to me. Not a problem.

He then sent me screenshots of their conversation and made disparaging remarks about her. A big problem.

So I've bowed out.

Show quote history

At least he showed his colours early on!

BoxOfCats · 29/11/2025 01:21

Ceci693 · 28/11/2025 09:50

Welcome to all the new people! I love hearing your stories. For me I’ve had to let big dog go. We had a phone call on Wednesday and it just got the ick a tiny bit. He talked about his ex wife a lot. Brought her into a lot of his stories. I understand that she’s the mother of his kids but they seem to have a very close relationship which is good I guess but she stays over regularly - in their daughters room he did say - but even in his other stories she always seemed to feature. So Mr Russian came through eventually and we are meeting tonight and staying over. I am so excited I feel like a teenager. The chemistry was out of this world last time and I realise you don’t find that very often . The only thing I want to ask - and don’t reply if it’s too personal - but he wanted to do oral on me last time and I’ve always been really uncomfortable with it so I said no . He’s been hinting at it again. Am I being silly. It does feel good but I can’t help thinking why would a guy want to do that - I’m a bit grossed out tbh. Should I get over myself

I also think most men enjoy it, so I say go for it if you think you will too and can relax enough to enjoy it 😁

BoxOfCats · 29/11/2025 01:50

ElleintheWoods · 27/11/2025 20:00

@BoxOfCats We sound a bit similar in that aspect... I used to be ultra flexible for someone I was seeing, to the point of booking AL to see him, as I figured he had kids so I'd have to. In hindsight that really lowered my stock in his eyes.

That sounds like a really nice convo! Can you go there and work remotely from there, or would you rather go for a week max? What's the longest you've spent together in a row?

He's putting in an awful lot of effort for someone that's not looking for something serious :) But also, early romance can be addicitive when it's good, so perhaps I shouldn't read into it.

So I'm going to see Mr Volleyball next week (work reasons). And also spending time in... It's not Rome but let's say it's Rome for storyline's sake. I've got a feeling he's met someone cos of something he said, but I'll playfully ask him next week. There's a few guys I know in Rome that have queried about my availability for a date... Honestly... I'd rather spend the weekend alone looking at art and drinking espressos than with a man, that's my feeling right now.

Or perhaps it's the case that I don't see any potential with these particular men and would rather be alone and open to meeting new men, as meeting men in Rome isn't exactly hard? Fingers crossed for my manifestation!

@TwistedWonder Sounds tough... Losing the ability to have sex in the traditional way is a big loss of identity. Suppose similar to a woman losing their breasts to cancer? I had a period of a few years where sex was very challenging for me and it was rough... You feel like a different person.

I've started to pick up that the men that want to talk for ages and don't try anything have something to confess in the sex/physical department.

It's been interesting for me since 'divorce' that I've ended up dating 2 guys with a non-visible physical disability. Both didn't mention it and took ages to get physical. The sex was amazing with both when it happened, but it was really infrequent due to chronic pain/ breathing difficulties/ similar. Both were really difficult dynamics, the good days were fantastic, and the bad days pretty bad. At the moment I just don't want to put myself through the stresses of that again, as men's moods are so up and down with chronic illness or similar situations.

I've spent most of age 25-35 basically celibate with odd bits here and there. Whether it's fair or not, the way to my heart and into an LTR with me right now is being sexually consistent, i.e. having a high drive and expressing it regularly, not one day on, 2 months off. Obvs things can change as life is unpredictable, but I'd like to spend the next 10 years of my life in an intense physical relationship, so if I don't see that over the first 3 months, I won't stick with it.

Ahhh Rome (or wherever it is) sounds utterly romantic. I hope you enjoy your time there, regardless of the man situation. I do miss the ease of flitting off to European cities, it’s definitely a drawback of living Down Under again. Curious to know how things play out with Mr Volleyball too.

Yes, Mr Nomad makes much more effort than one would expect given we are apparently only seeing each other casually. I don’t know if that’s just how he is though. His work season has come to an unexpectedly early finish, so tomorrow (Sunday) is now the last day I’ll see him before he moves. He drove a couple of hours to see me Friday afternoon, ripped my clothes off as soon as he got here, then spent a few hours fixing my front porch (there was a tool belt and muscly arm situation going on that admittedly got me a little faint 😂). We then spent the evening having a lovely dinner out, which he insisted on paying for.

Tomorrow will be interesting as it’s the last time we will see each other for 6 weeks. Despite my best efforts to play it cool, and joking to him yesterday that I’ll be deleting him off What’s App once he moves, it’s going to be hard for me not to get emotional. Plus as our weekend away hasn’t been able to happen for practical reasons, I bought him a birthday/Xmas present (Garmin smart watch I saw him eyeing up recently) which he is probably going to protest about…

bluedabadeedabadoo · 29/11/2025 04:21

BoxOfCats · 29/11/2025 01:18

Sorry to hear that. It does sound like perhaps there’s something deeper going on that’s driving the anxiety.
The only helpful advice I can offer is that you might find the book “Detached” by Sabrina Alexis Bendory useful to read. I’m still only about 3/4 through but finding it really useful to understand why I get so anxious at times in relationships, some of the dynamics in my previous relationships, and how to not feel so anxious this time around.

Show quote history

Thankyou. I feel like I do
know exactly why I get like this and try all sorts of strategies that I find online but in the moment of heightened anxiety nothing helps. I however did find myself spiralling slightly tonight and decided to put my phone upstairs for a few hours which did help but if Mr Beard hadn’t have text me and left me unread I’d have continued to spiral once I retrieved my phone. I will try the book though. The GP has agreed to prescribe me sertraline. Not sure how I feel about that as I’ve never had anti depressants but I figure it’s worth a shot.

Nosdacariad · 29/11/2025 08:01

@bluedabadeedabadoo On Attachment podcast might be useful x

comingintomyown · 29/11/2025 08:27

bluedabadeedabadoo · 29/11/2025 04:21

Thankyou. I feel like I do
know exactly why I get like this and try all sorts of strategies that I find online but in the moment of heightened anxiety nothing helps. I however did find myself spiralling slightly tonight and decided to put my phone upstairs for a few hours which did help but if Mr Beard hadn’t have text me and left me unread I’d have continued to spiral once I retrieved my phone. I will try the book though. The GP has agreed to prescribe me sertraline. Not sure how I feel about that as I’ve never had anti depressants but I figure it’s worth a shot.

Show quote history

Morning. I’ve had tons of therapy/self help throughout my life and it has been amazing for all sorts of areas of my life. In the context of relationships it hasn’t yet been properly put to the test because I haven’t been in a new relationship ! The other habit I took up to help with worrying and anxiety was meditation and that has been incredibly helpful, I use an app called Calm and you can get a 30 day free trial.
So I ended it with Mr no compliments and told him why. He replied he had noticed how nice I looked but didn’t want to say anything because I had told him on our first date about guys being over zealous in their attention. I had told him about being pestered to watch guys come on WhatsApp that kind of thing. As far as I’m concerned there’s a world of difference between that and telling someone on a 4th date that they look nice in a dress 😂
Anyway no matter I’m quite happy with my decision particularly with dinnergate.

BoxOfCats · 29/11/2025 08:29

@ElleintheWoods Oh and we’ve never spent more than about 24 hours together, so even going for 4 days is quite a big step. I’m a hybrid worker so am WFH 2 days per week, so in theory could have a couple of remote working days down there in a week. However I have two cats which add to the logistical challenges.

justsurvivingnotthriving · 29/11/2025 09:13

Hello

Thought I’d post a little dating update.

Wine made me return to the dating apps for around 48 hours a few weeks ago. Got talking to a couple of guys…

Guy 1,
Academic. Very intelligent but keen to make it clear he is emotionally intelligent as well as academically. Seems to be doing a lot of “inner work” following his marriage ending. I did wonder if he was very good at “talking about healing” rather than actually doing it. Talked about attending men’s support groups weekly, therapy, reading, seems to have very open and in depth conversations with his friends.

Coffee date was last week, he seemed nice, talked a lot- we both did. My divorce happened a couple of years ago whereas his is still ongoing which I guess is relevant. He shared how he’s been working on himself since they separated. I’m further down the line, though it’s fair to say I’m still carrying pain from it all and having to coparent with a horrible man (didn’t share this in detail)

Last night we went out for dinner, and his sharing continued. Ex wife is a “narcissist” he has been to three therapists who have confirmed he’s not a narcissist as he’s so introspective and thinks so much about others. It all felt quite heavy and every conversation went back to him and how much is growing as a person. He mentioned in text earlier this week that a gripe of his is not feeling listened to. I’m a naturally good listener so I did listen to him last night but also tried to keep the conversation happy, light and jovial where I could. Somewhere along the line I noticed that anything I shared, he didn’t ask anything to follow up… I wasn’t there to trauma dump but he wasn’t really interested in any detail of my life (FYI my divorce was very traumatic but I wasn’t about to lay all that out on date 2)

Later in the date we went to a show and in the break he said “are you a nervous person” to which I replied “no, not at all, why?” And he said “I find you very hard to read”!

Well… this knocked me a bit. As I had been open, friendly, chatty while also giving him the platform to sound off about himself most of the night! I do have boundaries and I’m not about to share my inner most feelings on date 2, but even if I had wanted to, there wasn’t space to do it with all of his sharing! Anyway I wasn’t about to explain myself to him so the date rolled on and there was no kiss at the end, he seemed a little jarred.

Anyway, it pissed me off. So I won’t be seeing him again. Shame, because he’s very tall and I liked being able to wear heels on a date 😂

Guy 2.
We haven’t met in person yet and haven’t chatted loads and loads. This morning I woke up to a 5am message from him “I want to sweep you off your feet one night, trust me I would make your night. I’m a fun person, cant promise I won’t put you down though! Your stunning! 😍 😂 Let you into a lil secret…
Fancy the pants off ya and I would love to have you in my arms 😘 smell nice by the way. Also a good kisser 😂 x”

I haven’t even met this guy, who is he to assume I want to be in his arms and kiss him?!

Maybe I’m a prude, I’m late 30s and possibly this kind of message in my 20s I’d have been ok with.

I am missing physical touch, cuddles, sex a lot… but I realise that I couldn’t do it with just anyone so looks like my involuntary celibacy will continue into 2026, and I’m ok with it.