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Relationships

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Dating thread 53 - 2025. Cuffing Season

1000 replies

ElleintheWoods · 21/10/2025 20:20

The Rules:

  • The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
  • Develop a thick skin
  • Do not invest emotionally too soon
  • It's all BS until it actually happens
  • Trust your gut instinct
  • People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
  • Know your wortH
  • If it's not fun, stop
  • Loo update is mandatory
  • No dating the thread
  • Treat others as you'd like to be treated
  • Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
  • The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
  • OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

OP posts:
BoxOfCats · 27/11/2025 16:44

ElleintheWoods · 26/11/2025 13:48

@BoxOfCats Oh dear… Yeah those leaving someone at the altar/ not moving to Canada behaviours certainly show you who he is! Commitment is ‘a bit of an issue’ 🙈🙈🙈

Just enjoy it for what it is. But maybe stay with 2 feet on the ground and use techniques to detach emotionally.

Are the flights truly flexible? No harm booking flexible flights considering he doesn’t seem exactly Mr Reliable, but don’t be Ms Flexible (oh don’t worry darling I’ll just work around your needs) either.

About Mr RFP, I went to his game and there was unexpectedly some very steamy action after, woke up together, too. But it feels his priorities are elsewhere, I don’t think he’s that into me. I don’t think it’s because he’s seeing someone else but rather, I think his head is on other priorities as he won’t be playing football after this season and it seems to have dawned on him that he needs a source of income and a life plan going forward. There’s also some things he’s hiding from me, so I’ll be open to moving on.

Manifesting a man appearing next week who chats me up in person… he needs to be inwardly confident, interesting, positive, a nice person, have multiple rounds in him, not terminally ill and not spending his free time going down the manosphere rabbit holes. Oh and I need to feel attracted to him of course.

Edited

Yes that is sound advice. I do have a history of putting other people’s needs before my own, so I need to bae careful to make sure I’m not compromising myself too much here. Feeling ok with it so far, the convo ended up going like this:

Me: Soooo I probably shouldn’t as I’ve got better things to do, but if I can find time in my busy hectic schedule I could probably come down and visit you in XXX in January 🤣

Mr N: Hahahaha ok. Yes, come! When works? How about around xxx dates?

Me: Ok I’ll look at flights… how about xxx? Or should I fly down earlier?

Mr N: Yes, the longer you can stay the better.

So, it looks like I’ll be going for a visitl He will be moving there next week, earlier than planned, so it will probably be a good chunk of time before I see him again after next week. Trying to fit in a weekend away still before then.

I am glad you finally got some steamy action then at least 😄 Sounds like he has a bit going on which is occupying his focus though. I hope the man manifestation is going well ahead of the weekend! And yes to all of the things on your list?

Nosdacariad · 27/11/2025 18:18

What's BPE?

I don't think "equipment" not working is a prob unless a person expects to continue that way without at least trying to get help with it.

BeAppleNow · 27/11/2025 18:42

Nosdacariad · 27/11/2025 18:18

What's BPE?

I don't think "equipment" not working is a prob unless a person expects to continue that way without at least trying to get help with it.

Welcome to the world of old men

https://nhsuk-cms-fde-prod-uks-dybwftgwcqgsdmfh.a03.azurefd.net/conditions/enlarged-prostate/

Brightbluesomething · 27/11/2025 18:42

Well neither of my weekend confirmed dates are happening now and I feel like giving up!
I should know better by now. Agreed time and place with them both and chatted to them last night. Came home from work to message and one has deleted his profile. The other has unmatched. Why bother agreeing a date just to do that?
The only thing I can think is that they were wanting sex and when I switched to coffee during the day they knew that wasn’t happening. Might go back to my original plan of waiting until the new year and starting again.

Nosdacariad · 27/11/2025 18:46

@Brightbluesomething they panicked.

@BeAppleNow ah thanks. Can't click linky but get the gist.

TwistedWonder · 27/11/2025 18:55

Re being unable to perform - I met a guy a couple of years ago on OLD. I did hesitate because we live 60 miles apart but we got on and so I thought why not? We met in a town about 15 miles from me either a direct train from his home town.
First date was great. Non stop chat, chemistry and neither wanted the date to end. Against all normal advice, the date lasted 4 hours and even then we struggled to leave it

The following Saturday I drove to his home town and we went out for food and a couple of drinks. He invited me back to his for coffee and made it clear there was no expectation of anything physical.

He then invited me to stay the following weekend and I did think that there would be a very good chance of sex - and then he dropped the bombshell. He had cancer a few years previously and had his prostate removed meaning he can’t get an erection. So PIV sex is impossible for him - and that’s what ended his marriage.

As terribly sorry as I felt for him, I couldn’t have a relationship with no possibility of sex. I can live without it when I’m single but that physical intimacy is an essential part of a relationship for me.

BeAppleNow · 27/11/2025 18:56

oh - the link got screwed up some how

www.nhs.uk/conditions/enlarged-prostate/

BeAppleNow · 27/11/2025 19:02

TwistedWonder · 27/11/2025 18:55

Re being unable to perform - I met a guy a couple of years ago on OLD. I did hesitate because we live 60 miles apart but we got on and so I thought why not? We met in a town about 15 miles from me either a direct train from his home town.
First date was great. Non stop chat, chemistry and neither wanted the date to end. Against all normal advice, the date lasted 4 hours and even then we struggled to leave it

The following Saturday I drove to his home town and we went out for food and a couple of drinks. He invited me back to his for coffee and made it clear there was no expectation of anything physical.

He then invited me to stay the following weekend and I did think that there would be a very good chance of sex - and then he dropped the bombshell. He had cancer a few years previously and had his prostate removed meaning he can’t get an erection. So PIV sex is impossible for him - and that’s what ended his marriage.

As terribly sorry as I felt for him, I couldn’t have a relationship with no possibility of sex. I can live without it when I’m single but that physical intimacy is an essential part of a relationship for me.

The guys marriage ended because his penis didn’t work any more, that’s brutal

TwistedWonder · 27/11/2025 19:07

BeAppleNow · 27/11/2025 19:02

The guys marriage ended because his penis didn’t work any more, that’s brutal

She cheated on him apparently.

Obviously I only heard his version but he said she told him she was too young to live a sexless life (she was a decade younger than him)

Nosdacariad · 27/11/2025 19:55

TwistedWonder · 27/11/2025 18:55

Re being unable to perform - I met a guy a couple of years ago on OLD. I did hesitate because we live 60 miles apart but we got on and so I thought why not? We met in a town about 15 miles from me either a direct train from his home town.
First date was great. Non stop chat, chemistry and neither wanted the date to end. Against all normal advice, the date lasted 4 hours and even then we struggled to leave it

The following Saturday I drove to his home town and we went out for food and a couple of drinks. He invited me back to his for coffee and made it clear there was no expectation of anything physical.

He then invited me to stay the following weekend and I did think that there would be a very good chance of sex - and then he dropped the bombshell. He had cancer a few years previously and had his prostate removed meaning he can’t get an erection. So PIV sex is impossible for him - and that’s what ended his marriage.

As terribly sorry as I felt for him, I couldn’t have a relationship with no possibility of sex. I can live without it when I’m single but that physical intimacy is an essential part of a relationship for me.

I feel the same @TwistedWonder

It would be different if I'd been married to the guy for a long time and then they couldn't.

MrX presented himself to OLD with problems in that area, all fixable (and fixed) but he didn't do a thing to help himself.

Nosdacariad · 27/11/2025 19:55

BeAppleNow · 27/11/2025 19:02

The guys marriage ended because his penis didn’t work any more, that’s brutal

It is.

Nosdacariad · 27/11/2025 19:56

TwistedWonder · 27/11/2025 19:07

She cheated on him apparently.

Obviously I only heard his version but he said she told him she was too young to live a sexless life (she was a decade younger than him)

Having made that decision there were nicer ways to go about it probably.

ElleintheWoods · 27/11/2025 20:00

@BoxOfCats We sound a bit similar in that aspect... I used to be ultra flexible for someone I was seeing, to the point of booking AL to see him, as I figured he had kids so I'd have to. In hindsight that really lowered my stock in his eyes.

That sounds like a really nice convo! Can you go there and work remotely from there, or would you rather go for a week max? What's the longest you've spent together in a row?

He's putting in an awful lot of effort for someone that's not looking for something serious :) But also, early romance can be addicitive when it's good, so perhaps I shouldn't read into it.

So I'm going to see Mr Volleyball next week (work reasons). And also spending time in... It's not Rome but let's say it's Rome for storyline's sake. I've got a feeling he's met someone cos of something he said, but I'll playfully ask him next week. There's a few guys I know in Rome that have queried about my availability for a date... Honestly... I'd rather spend the weekend alone looking at art and drinking espressos than with a man, that's my feeling right now.

Or perhaps it's the case that I don't see any potential with these particular men and would rather be alone and open to meeting new men, as meeting men in Rome isn't exactly hard? Fingers crossed for my manifestation!

@TwistedWonder Sounds tough... Losing the ability to have sex in the traditional way is a big loss of identity. Suppose similar to a woman losing their breasts to cancer? I had a period of a few years where sex was very challenging for me and it was rough... You feel like a different person.

I've started to pick up that the men that want to talk for ages and don't try anything have something to confess in the sex/physical department.

It's been interesting for me since 'divorce' that I've ended up dating 2 guys with a non-visible physical disability. Both didn't mention it and took ages to get physical. The sex was amazing with both when it happened, but it was really infrequent due to chronic pain/ breathing difficulties/ similar. Both were really difficult dynamics, the good days were fantastic, and the bad days pretty bad. At the moment I just don't want to put myself through the stresses of that again, as men's moods are so up and down with chronic illness or similar situations.

I've spent most of age 25-35 basically celibate with odd bits here and there. Whether it's fair or not, the way to my heart and into an LTR with me right now is being sexually consistent, i.e. having a high drive and expressing it regularly, not one day on, 2 months off. Obvs things can change as life is unpredictable, but I'd like to spend the next 10 years of my life in an intense physical relationship, so if I don't see that over the first 3 months, I won't stick with it.

OP posts:
Kat888 · 27/11/2025 20:13

Please tell me not to message that guy with the kids issue I'm just bored I know he's not good for me 😭 it's probably because nobody else interests me right now

KittyCorncrake · 27/11/2025 20:52

So sad for the guy with removed prostate.
Had no idea this was a thing.
Have met someone in RL (Mr Cornish) and lurking here for the wisdom of you lovely ladies, so as to try to make this one work.

ElleintheWoods · 27/11/2025 22:41

Kat888 · 27/11/2025 20:13

Please tell me not to message that guy with the kids issue I'm just bored I know he's not good for me 😭 it's probably because nobody else interests me right now

Don’t message this guy!!

Why are you still keeping him around? Listen to your gut.

If you let go of ‘options’, someone else will soon interest you…

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 28/11/2025 06:09

TwistedWonder · 27/11/2025 18:55

Re being unable to perform - I met a guy a couple of years ago on OLD. I did hesitate because we live 60 miles apart but we got on and so I thought why not? We met in a town about 15 miles from me either a direct train from his home town.
First date was great. Non stop chat, chemistry and neither wanted the date to end. Against all normal advice, the date lasted 4 hours and even then we struggled to leave it

The following Saturday I drove to his home town and we went out for food and a couple of drinks. He invited me back to his for coffee and made it clear there was no expectation of anything physical.

He then invited me to stay the following weekend and I did think that there would be a very good chance of sex - and then he dropped the bombshell. He had cancer a few years previously and had his prostate removed meaning he can’t get an erection. So PIV sex is impossible for him - and that’s what ended his marriage.

As terribly sorry as I felt for him, I couldn’t have a relationship with no possibility of sex. I can live without it when I’m single but that physical intimacy is an essential part of a relationship for me.

Gosh that’s hard for him, I didn’t know that could happen guess I don’t know a lot about men’s health. I would feel the same as you, to be honest having a sex life again is the main motivation to try and meet someone.
So my date (not sure he’s going to be around long enough to get a nickname) was ok but does tend to talk about himself which is wearing a bit thin but the main thing was I got my card out when the bill came to pay half and he said oh I’ll get the next one then. It’s 35 years odd since I have been out with a new man for dinner and I’m aware the onus is not on the man to pay but it annoyed me- AIBU ?

Kaltenzahn · 28/11/2025 06:31

Oh no @comingintomyown that would annoy me, and I'm not one to let men pay for me. To not even offer to split it is poor form. Will you see him again?

comingintomyown · 28/11/2025 07:14

I don’t really know. Logically it doesn’t make sense to stop seeing someone over money and I don’t doubt he would “get the next one “ but I think he should have offered rather than assumed.
Also I made an effort with my appearance and honestly wouldn’t look much better unless I was actually getting married or something ! Still no comment from him and as per my opening post, many messages and 4 dates in not a word on being attractive to him.
I agree with a pp who said the “hey sexy” messages thrown around are a turn off but I am talking about after sustained contact the odd compliment would be nice. I am not needing constant reassurance and I have good self esteem, I think perhaps having been single for such a long time it’s why it’s important 🤷🏼‍♀️

BeAppleNow · 28/11/2025 07:19

@comingintomyown it’s a world of changing gender norms, but personally I would expect the person doing the asking to be paying, especially if this was a 1st date, then it’s swaps after that

I date with a woman about a month ago and all she talked about for almost an hour was how awful her ex-husband was - that was a long hour 😂😂

TwistedWonder · 28/11/2025 07:51

I must admit I’m not so ro robe who thinks men should pay however in my experience, if it’s dinner most men insist on paying for the first date and brush away any offer to split.

Personally I don’t do dinner dates at start. I got trapped over 3 courses plus coffee with the worlds most boring man a few years ago and said never again so it’s strictly drinks of coffee first date for me now.

I did have a date a few years ago which was only drinks (he had a coke and coffee and made a comment about me driving after 1 spritzer) - when the server came over with the bill and card machine he set on his hands and stared out the window and watched me oat without even a thank you. Tbh it was worth £20 to get out of there. He then had the cheek to message saying what a great time he’d had and we should meet again - yes date from hell, that would he great!😂 I declined

comingintomyown · 28/11/2025 08:25

Previous 3 dates we each paid for a round of drinks and I asked if he wanted to take me out to dinner. It’s not a deal breaker just a bit off imo, I whipped my card out super quick when the bill came to show I wasn’t expecting him to pay it and he obviously misunderstood 😂

ElleintheWoods · 28/11/2025 08:52

@comingintomyown Hmmm I don’t disagree with you but also going to offer a different perspective.

This is date 4, not date 1. So at this point I’d have expected to pay for one of the dates in full (I’m more of a ‘take turns’ rather than ‘split’ kind of person). I’d not have been happy being stuck with a full dinner bill if it’s the first dinner and earlier dates have been cheaper - he should have offered to split. But also, you asked him - so some people have the impression that whoever is asking the other to do an activity should pay.

About the compliments… Doesn’t he even say ‘evening, wow you look lovely in that dress, I like your earrings’ or something like that when he first sees you? I’d say that’s basic manners, I’d even say this to a female friend when meeting up with them, unless they turn up in a tracksuit or something 😇

If compliments/ your efforts being noticed is important to you, maybe he’s not your guy? I was with a guy that never complimented for 10+ years and I should have picked that up early on. Felt sad how he never said anything to me, but literally every other man everywhere did compliment me.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 28/11/2025 09:11

I agree as the first dinner date then he should have at least offered to split but in my experience men always insist on paying for the first dinner date and wave away any offers of a contribution.

It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker but in your shoes it would be something to watch going forward.

Edited to add if he did pay for first meal I’d insist on paying for the next date

Ceci693 · 28/11/2025 09:50

Welcome to all the new people! I love hearing your stories. For me I’ve had to let big dog go. We had a phone call on Wednesday and it just got the ick a tiny bit. He talked about his ex wife a lot. Brought her into a lot of his stories. I understand that she’s the mother of his kids but they seem to have a very close relationship which is good I guess but she stays over regularly - in their daughters room he did say - but even in his other stories she always seemed to feature. So Mr Russian came through eventually and we are meeting tonight and staying over. I am so excited I feel like a teenager. The chemistry was out of this world last time and I realise you don’t find that very often . The only thing I want to ask - and don’t reply if it’s too personal - but he wanted to do oral on me last time and I’ve always been really uncomfortable with it so I said no . He’s been hinting at it again. Am I being silly. It does feel good but I can’t help thinking why would a guy want to do that - I’m a bit grossed out tbh. Should I get over myself

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