Dating thread 53 - 2025. Cuffing Season

[ElleintheWoods]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
• Develop a thick skin
• Do not invest emotionally too soon
• It's all BS until it actually happens
• Trust your gut instinct
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
• Know your wortH
• If it's not fun, stop
• Loo update is mandatory
• No dating the thread
• Treat others as you'd like to be treated
• Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
• The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
• OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I assumed that protection would be the norm too until agreed otherwise but Mr Beard seemed happy to go ahead without a condom yesterday and only went and got one when I asked him to. I don’t know what his intentions were. Maybe he intended to pull out but I’m not happy to take the risk at this stage.

In my case is a RL situation with a widower who’d only ever had sex with his wife. So no condom issue ever arose.

I think it’s the ones who don’t want to use condoms that you need to worry about most. If they’re uncomfortable with that then they’re even more uncomfortable getting tested so probably haven’t. I do think women should stock themselves up and not rely on men to have some. I wouldn’t trust someone I’ve recently met to tell me the truth about their status either!
ED is a much more complex issue for both parties though. No amount of reassurance helps sometimes.

Yes I agree. I would always have one with me if I thought DTD was on the cards and I did last night and would have got mine from downstairs if he didn’t have any.

Firstly to answer your question... I personally don't care much, it's not an issue, human bodies aren't machines, this type of stuff happens to absolutely every man. My focus goes on them and making sure they don't think it's a big deal for me. Not finishing is maybe a little different, I'd slightly wonder why not, and how to work with that - as 30 mins+ PIV is not manageable/ comfortable. Finishing early I'd never worry about, don't mind that, but the opposite would physically affect me, so...

In my experience men can really overthink sex.

That's also why I'm not loving the 'how was it for you?' post mortems.

For example, I had sex with someone a few times, and thought things were pretty good in that department. Then he opened up about what he was thinking. First time around he couldn't finish me off and apparently had massive anxiety about that, 'what must she be thinking of me' etc. Then apparently he was reading my facial expressions during certain moments and I 'seemed underwhelmed', which he decided to take as a criticism. There were a few other comments like that but when I told him I needed some space, he apologised as 'he finishes so quickly with me and was working on improving'! He actually thught that was the reason I was distancing myself - it wasn't even something I'd noticed or given thought to!

Having had that laid out to me, and having dealt with ED and fast finishes in recent years, and how the guy's mood instantly changes, men seem to be so in their head about sex, I'm not surprised about the lack of enthusiatic, happy messages after sex. They're probably there rating their performance out of 10!

Mr RFP is currently experiencing some sexual challenges, and maybe being semi-celibate with me = one less thing to be anxious about. He was in a really good mood the other day, and then after sex he was just... trying not to sulk but sulking.

@KittyCorncrake @Kaltenzahn How do you communicate reassurance?

Mind you, I'd just like to meet a man that isn't so deeply in their head. Just relaxed and enthusiastic about it, enjoying the moment.

My 'honest dating app profile' would for sure look interesting 😅

That’s a long answer for a quick question!

as an older man I now have the full house of issues, including BPE , sometimes with ED and sometimes with DE , so sex is always an adventure nowadays as you never know which version is going to turn up 🤣

@BeAppleNow Guess that’s only expected? There’s a fair bit of that in 35-50 group as well though. It seems that the only person that didn’t have any challenges was the one I split up with after 10 years, go figure!

So how do you manage encounters/ how would you like the lady to react? Should they acknowledge it or not?

Hey all, just jumping on as I've reluctantly hit the dating game again and I'm rusty as hell! This is a RL in person met and connected the old fashioned way.
I'm happily single and having the time of my life career wise then bam, I'm blindsided by a guy I work with. I didn't see it coming at all and I thought the crazy flirting from him was a personality thing as he's so much younger.
He's leaving where I work and he said he felt safe to approach me as I'd joked once about never dating anyone you work with.
We've met outside of work now in a reframed work friends getting to know each other way.....turns out he was really keen. In a nutshell I'm terrified of getting involved again, but I'm not really up for just sex and of course there's the added factor of the age gap.
He's keen for an official date and because I have kids and not much free time it's about 10 days away.
The mixed signals though.... I'd forgotten how badly doubt creeps in on both sides and muddies the water.
He told me some things today that I guess made him quite vulnerable. He then went on to make comments about not believing in marriage and that he wasn't sure he knew what love felt like.
I kinda listened and absorbed but wasn't really sure how to respond...all this from the guy that a few weeks ago regularly called me future wife as a joke. Please tell me I'm allowed to be confused by all this🤣.
I'm now feeling it's time to retreat back to my quiet single life I was enjoying so much but it did feel nice to connect and kiss someone again.
It gets more complicated than this though as he's the Jacob to my Edward. The only problem is, my Edward is married so totally off limits.
Good god that felt good to offload. Why is this SO complicated!!!

so - firstly I must thank my ex who got me to go to the Dr about urinary issues , which turned out to be BPE and now on meds for that - which in turn has helped with the ED , which I think was all in my head and linked to everything else
so now it’s the DE & I’m just upfront about it and say that sometimes I just cannot finish and to be honest if they want to stop as some times there is no natural “end” any more 🤷🏻, no complaints so far ( at least) ,

Hello another new face !
I am approaching 60 and have been single 17 years and decided earlier in the year to try online dating. I joined Ourtime and have been on it on and off for a few months.
I have had a few surprises eg far younger men messaging me I didn’t have an awareness of the prevalence of that particular kind of fantasy. I will confess in some cases it was flattering and in one case I succumbed 😂
Almost without exception, regardless of age, all messaging has been flirty, sexy or just plain filth and over time I have found myself drawn into this and mostly enjoying it. However in all cases things have ended or never begun irl and I have learnt all about bread crumbing etc etc
What brings me to this thread is the need for advice . I am going on a fourth date with a guy tonight who I met on the site. At no point has he uttered a syllable about fancying me, thinking I am hot etc. So shallow have I become that I am really bothered by this lack of attention. Logically had he been my first encounter I would have thought nothing of it but he isn’t and I can feel myself unjustly judging him as boring ? Dunno.
My intelligence tells me he is, bar one, the only authentic man I have met and he ticks all my boxes there are a few 😂 but I am not fancying him or feeling chemistry with him. In his profile he describes himself as having old fashioned manners but stupidly I can’t seem to place value on that.
We are going out for dinner tonight and I am going to wear make up and dress up which I haven’t previously (walks) and I am hoping that he will notice and comment
In short I am so disappointed in myself that after 17 years and a good awareness of how and why I made poor relationship choices in the past I am struggling to feel enthusiastic about a relationship with this very nice man. It feels like such a cliche which I thought I would have grown out of by now
Anyone else relate to this? Tell me to grow the fuck up ?

My ExGF was a very good looking woman, tall and slim - but also incredibly insecure and was constantly fishing for compliments or being annoyed if I didn’t say how good looking she was - this was incredibly wearing and probably a factor in the relationship ending- her constant need for reassurance

in your case I would make some comment about your dress being new and does he like it and see how that goes, also don’t forget to compliment him ,
men get very very few compliments in our lifetimes , but are expected to offer them all the time , maybe some reverse psychology might help gee him along

Morning all. Thanks to those who supported me though my major panic on Tuesday/ Wednesday with Mr Beard.
He did text me yesterday and initiated contact which was reassuring but then silenced me for a few hours after I’d asked what he was thinking about the next date (as part of back and forth messaging so no chasing or double texting on my part). He then came back and said that in all honesty he was surprised at what had happened (DTD) and didn’t expect it but then made some suggestions for the next date. I don’t know what he means by this. It was the 4th date, at his house and he had a condom to hand so I’m not sure I believe that he didn’t expect it to happen. We were both very willing participants and just went with the flow. He absolutely initiated the sexual contact element by ripping my trousers off so there’s no doubt there that he lead it! On the 2nd date he was clearly up for it but I made sure the opportunity wasn’t there. Like I didn’t plan DTD but I knew there was a possibility.
so I am confused as to what he means and what that means for moving forward. It seems that he still wants to see me but I don’t know if that means he wants to put sex on the back burner for a while. Who knows. But I decided that back and forth texting won’t get to the bottom of this so I’ve suggested we have a call today which he is up for.

In respect of performance issues, I haven’t really encountered this but it wouldn’t bother me. Men are only human and not machines. No one is perfect and sex is never going to be like on the movies! I would absolutely never shame anyone who couldn’t finish, or who finished quickly or lost an erection. The discussions regarding this though did make me reflect though that he could be insecure about himself and be over analysing his ‘performance’. There were no issues but some awkwardness with positioning but that’s not unusual for the 1st time.

@bluedabadeedabadoo

it means he wants to see you again ( and have more sex ) , hopefully both of you will be less nervous and it will be less awkward for both of you

@comingintomyown - I’m similar age to you and the flirty, sexual messages from strangers was the main thing that put me off of OLD as I found it cringey and fake. Words are cheap. Remember these guys are sending the same sleazy sexting messages to all and sundry. Words are cheap, it’s actions that count.

It's worth asking why you feel the need to be told you’re hot rather than be treated well by a nice respectful man.

It’s easy for me to say as I’m literally the polar opposite to you. Random men telling me I’m hot, sexy etc get an instant delete. So I’d say stop worrying about something so unimportant, enjoy his company and take notice of his actions rather than cheap lazy compliments

It is so difficult. I tend to stay away from people who love bomb, shower with compliments etc as it isn’t genuine so much prefer people who don’t do this but can maintain communication without it turning sexual. You may find that he is just a slow burner and that the compliments etc are subtle and come in time. Mr Beard who I’m dating is not a love bomber and although I’d prefer some kisses in messages etc, I’ve accepted this is how he is but in RL he is a lot warmer. I think some people find that the authentic people are slower burners which means less likely to burn out and lose interest once the initial excitement wears off. If I was you I would probably stick it out a while longer if on paper everything else is good. what is he like in RL? Is he warm and affectionate?

Thank you so much, I dithered about posting knowing I would read what I would write but somehow hearing others say it is impactful !!
I know very well why I am looking for that attention but that’s for the Stately homes thread 😂

Thanks. I didn’t feel that it was awkward but on looking back to try and unpick things I do recall a slightly awkward moment with positioning but in general I felt comfortable and thought that he did too.

So am I right to think if I am to join the thread I need a Mr soubriquet for my date 😁

@bluedabadeedabadoo - his reaction to having sex does seem a little coy but maybe he’s trying to tell you (in a bit of an awkward way) that it’s not just about sex and that he still wants to pursue a relationship.

I know you d said you do overthink so it’s hard for you not to analyse his every word and interrogate him as to what he means.

Go on the next date and see where it goes. Please don’t spoil what sounds like a good thing by questioning his every move.

Yes I was thinking that maybe that’s what he is thinking and that isn’t a bad thing as that shows he’s serious and not just looking for sex. I don’t intend to interrogate him. I just want to make sure he feels ok about us having had sex because like people have said, men have hang ups too and I want to try and set up us having discussions about things and not just texting as my last relationship failed due to poor communication and be being blind sighted.
You are right, I need to not sabotage this. Ive nearly pulled the plug twice in the past 2 days because of my level of anxiety but this is definitely a me issue which I don’t know how to resolve 😞

I’m not actively looking to date at moment so it’s probably easy for me to say but I just found the whole dating world nowadays hideous. I found absolutely nothing enjoyable or fun about it at all.

Im nearly 60 and the pool of men out there is shallower than a puddle after a 30 second rain shower. I just found the whole thing of men old enough to be grandfathers sending ‘hey u r well sexy’ type messages cringey and laughable.

Ive been single 6 years now and not been on a date since last July and I don’t miss it at all. I feel like if I dated again, it would be for the sake of boredom rather than because I genuinely want to.

I do reactivate my dating profile on bumble every now snd again to see if anything improved - it hasn’t 😂

It transpires from this thread that all women want different things!

I don’t love it when men focus on my appearance and say things like ‘hey sexy’ early on. In fact ‘hey sexy’ I’d only accept from an LTR as a sarcastic joke 🙈 If they’d say much about my appearance early on, my impression would be that they’re mostly after one thing.

I’ll take all the compliments I can get - in a more committed situation. I’d like someone to know me for me and like me for me first, before they start talking about how hot I look in a red dress and what’s going on in their head when they see me.

Also, no way I’d put kisses on messages, and I wouldn’t like to be at the receiving end of them either unless, before we are more comfortable around each other. Mr RFP and I put kisses on SOME messages, but we’re 2 months in. I just don’t like ‘xx-ing’ every message I send, it feels meaningless. But I might send something like ‘Hope you’re having a better day and the pain is subsiding xx’ or ‘Woke up thinking about you 😘’ I have been called out on not putting kisses on messages but it’s just not something I ever really would do. It’s not grammatically correct 🤣 Full stops are a thing 😇

@Ceci693 are you looking for La Chimie or the long term? Fireworks sound like trouble 😁

@ElleintheWoods "multiple rounds in him" we're not talking pints or bullets right?!

@bluedabadeedabadoo you may be assigning more cognition to his words than were behind them. I suspect all is good 🙂

@comingintomyown yes nickname required.

Yes possibly. I just don’t really understand why he has mentioned DTD as it wasn’t my question so I do think it’s something about this as to why he’s taken a bit of a step back but I don’t want to guess and assume so hopefully I can gauge how he feels from a chat rather that text.