Dating thread 53 - 2025. Cuffing Season

[ElleintheWoods]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
• Develop a thick skin
• Do not invest emotionally too soon
• It's all BS until it actually happens
• Trust your gut instinct
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
• Know your wortH
• If it's not fun, stop
• Loo update is mandatory
• No dating the thread
• Treat others as you'd like to be treated
• Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
• The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
• OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

my man hat on , I would say that sounds pretty normal actually.

Unfortunately options go both ways , I think the days of men chasing women have gone, mostly driven by the “app” culture - if a woman is keen on a man- then the follow-up has to come from both sides-
I think the days of playing it cool are people now shooting themselves in the foot

@BoxOfCats difficult one with Mr Nomad. I guess it's a bit like house buying, you don't want to be significantly more committed than the other side.

@bluedabadeedabadoo I totally get where you are coming from. You are not needy, you have needs and that's normal.
Watch his actions now and busy yourself with some lovely things, preferably away from that phone 🙂

@BeAppleNow are you seeing the married one again?

MrX sent me a gift, a very intimate (not sexual) gift only given in his country to a man's betrothed. It was very sweet but not at all in relation to where we are.

This is so true.
I have a friend who does a lot of online dating but gets frustrated that the men don’t chase more, but you can’t play the coy maiden if you have alrrady advertised yourself (by being on s dating site) as available… we’re in a weird place of changing rules so no-one quite knows yet what the new etiquette is… I wouldn’t judge anyone for making mistakes, in fact would prefer that to the practised lothario who plays a good game.

@bluedabadeedabadoo I get anxious like you. The last time I was single and dating was in my mid-late 20s and I was pretty strong about not DTD with anyone unless we were in a relationship. I knew I couldn’t handle the emotional fallout of ONS, did it once and felt terrible. I’ve only been doing OLD for a few weeks, been on quite a few dates but only slept with MrElusive who I liked/still like, we’re still in touch but we’ve no plans to see each other again despite a couple of attempts instigated by me where he knocked me back. I’m saying this because although that wouldn’t be my choice, I’ve survived, I’m still here and I’m fine. I’m trying to grow a thicker skin and I think you kind of have to in the modern dating world.

I didn’t want to date anyone else and was waiting for MrElusive but I went out with someone at the weekend cause we’d had the date arranged for a couple of weeks so I didn’t want to cancel, and do you know what, he was lovely!

Yer you could be right. His texting styles don’t match mine hence me struggling. I do agree that it does work both ways and I’ve certainly been the one to initiate some of the dates, texting first etc but I need to see some initiation from him now. I’ll try to relax a bit. We haven’t gone a day without texting so I’m pretty sure he will text me today.

Honestly I think you’re really overthinking and overanalysing. It’s a difference in texting styles that’s all.

Im a woman but I’m more like him in my style. Are you someone who needs reassurance? Try and not overthink and just let things flow naturally.

Maybe because you DTD you’re a bit paranoid bit honestly it all sounds perfectly normal to me.

@bluedabadeedabadoo I think everybody has different expectations.

For example, it would never occur to me to tell the other person I had a good time, and I don’t think I’ve ever received such a message. I have on occasion had guys ‘discuss what happened’ afterwards and honestly it’s felt like a performance review (‘Your lingerie was on point’ 🤣) so I tend to never have the kinds of conversations you describe.

IME men tend to be deers in headlights after sex and need space. So I tend to leave them to it until they reach out. Ideally they’d reach out asap as that’s good form and shows their confidence, but I’ve known guys to take 24h - which hasn’t been great but appreciate people feel a lot of confused feelings after sex.

For example, if a guy has had performance issues during the sex, eg not lasting/ other, I tend to give them space and maybe drop a reassuring message like ‘Mmm, that kitchen counter move blew me away, hope you’re having a nice day’.

Guys are insecure creatures too and very easily embarrassed. I notice sex can be kind of a big deal for them as they get older and battle with body issues and physical decline. As women become more confident in themselves, many men seem to become less so.

@TwistedWonder I agree and after OLD on and off for years I do make it clear what I want and what I don’t. Men are not mind readers, especially when you don’t know each other yet.
@bluedabadeedabadoo see how you get on over the next few days. He might just have a healthy attachment style instead of love bombing. It could be fine.

I was going to delete my OLD profile and start again after New Year but I’ve had a couple of interesting matches. Mr Keen wanted to take me out for the night this weekend but I don’t like nights out on a first date so I’ve changed it to a coffee and wander around a Christmas market. He seems fine with it so let’s see what happens.

Thankyou. I needed this. Yes I know I over analyse and over think and I really struggle to know what’s normal and what isn’t. Im am waiting for interpersonal therapy to help with my relationship issues. No matter how much I know my thoughts are not normal, it’s impossible to not slip back into it ☹️

@Nosdacariad Haha great analogy!
How did you respond to the gift?

Absolutely- we are in world of changing gender roles now, the days of men chasing women with bunches of flowers and boxes of milk tray are long gone- ( rightly or wrongly), and I think both sides are trying to figure out what’s best , and the days of playing the coy maiden are (currently) over - lots of men ( including myself), are actually a bit wary of women now so being on app does at least show that you are open to approach

I thanked him and said I put it in a drawer for Christmas.

It is difficult, he is trying to shortcut my reasonable boundaries (about him following through on things he has promised) to get what he wants. I love him but broke up with him for very good reasons after many many chances.

@ElleintheWoods someone used the words "lingerie on point" just wow!

@BeAppleNow wary of women?

Guys are insecure creatures too and very easily embarrassed. I notice sex can be kind of a big deal for them as they get older and battle with body issues and physical decline. As women become more confident in themselves, many men seem to become less so.

This is so o true, as an over 50’s man is sometimes a struggle, but less so for women in my age range ( obv meds are available).

one question I do have, again this probably for women 45 + is the use of condoms or STI tests , my last partner as wrinkled her nose up when I pulled out a condom the 1st time we slept together and said “you are not using one of those are you “, which we did until both of us had clear tests - I would assume this is the norm now ?

Maybe I should say - wary of approaching women in person any more - at least if you see someone on a dating app - you know why they are there

Maybe I should say - wary of approaching women in person any more in a romantic context
this explains it far better than I can

www.enotalone.com/article/dating/why-men-no-longer-approach-women-r23722/

Absolutely on the condom question. Or at least I don't know about the norm but common sense.

It should be common sense!!! You don’t want to share STDs with half the town, or have a baby with a stranger.

Again I feel like it could be a bit of a cultural thing. I think British Gen X men don’t see condoms as common sense. Before I came across this sub group, I had never had anyone propose unprotected sex to me. I’ve talked about it with some men and they say the ‘no use’ stems from being put off it in school by how it was reached etc. Or people being married a long time and condom use not being a habit.

First time I hear of a woman not wanting to use a condom though.

@BeAppleNow Question to you, how big of a deal is finishing a little too fast for a guy? Not like a minute but much faster than they planned? Does it trigger insecurity/ embarrassment?

@bluedabadeedabadooI have a tendency to be exactly like you with the texting. It’s a nuisance as most of the time my “gut” and worry is overthinking and everything is fine. I never thought I’d be the kind of person to talk to more than one guy at a time but honestly it really helps with the anxiety. You should definitely have a couple of them on the go at the same time. When I get super paranoid about Mr Russian I go talk to Mr big dog . Mr Russian says he wants to meet on Friday but nothing is arranged yet which is frankly doing my head in and I would love to take charge and sort it. But he says he will organise things so I’m literally sitting on my hands hoping he actually will. He’s pulled back a bit this week. I think due to other things going on in his life but being the anxious person I am I’m getting a little bit antsy. Meanwhile big dog is super attentive but doesn’t seem to have time to meet up. He seems to be only free on a Saturday night due to kids. He wants to meet up though. I had to cancel last Saturday unfortunately: I really really like big dog but there’s unreal chemistry with Mr Russian it’s like electric which is hard to resist even though big dog is maybe a better long term partner . Anyway am hoping for some action at the weekend!

@BoxOfCats Oh dear… Yeah those leaving someone at the altar/ not moving to Canada behaviours certainly show you who he is! Commitment is ‘a bit of an issue’ 🙈🙈🙈

Just enjoy it for what it is. But maybe stay with 2 feet on the ground and use techniques to detach emotionally.

Are the flights truly flexible? No harm booking flexible flights considering he doesn’t seem exactly Mr Reliable, but don’t be Ms Flexible (oh don’t worry darling I’ll just work around your needs) either.

About Mr RFP, I went to his game and there was unexpectedly some very steamy action after, woke up together, too. But it feels his priorities are elsewhere, I don’t think he’s that into me. I don’t think it’s because he’s seeing someone else but rather, I think his head is on other priorities as he won’t be playing football after this season and it seems to have dawned on him that he needs a source of income and a life plan going forward. There’s also some things he’s hiding from me, so I’ll be open to moving on.

Manifesting a man appearing next week who chats me up in person… he needs to be inwardly confident, interesting, positive, a nice person, have multiple rounds in him, not terminally ill and not spending his free time going down the manosphere rabbit holes. Oh and I need to feel attracted to him of course.

Oh and I’ve figured something out for myself… One of the reasons why I don’t do online dating is because I don’t want a man that spends lots of time online.

IMO Reddit, X, Insta and other places are toxic and create a warped world view if consumed in high doses. Weird views on women based on what they see online and thinking that’s real etc. But mostly manosphere beliefs.

I attract alt right men in abundance anyway so I’ll do whatever I can to repel them.

I just assume that a man that OLDs has a higher likelihood of leading that kind of ‘chronically online’ lifestyle.

THQuestion to you, how big of a deal is finishing a little too fast for a guy? Not like a minute but much faster than they planned? Does it trigger insecurity/ embarrassment?

yes on a massive scale, especially embarrassment.

i suppose the return question would be how does a woman feel if a man can’t get. / keep an erection or finish? , is it all the man’s issue?

In my exoerience every man has had either a ‘too quick’ or ‘loss of erection’ moment in the first few encounters, is embarrassed and anxious, and I have been gently reassuring - is normal!
Current squeeze is the best ever. Have had both of those situations arising. Not an issue for me atcall. He has gained confidence and now all seems to be working smoothly. He is 59.

For both scenarios (finishing early or not finishing at all) I think the man's attitude is far more important than the actual issue. If a man communicates and puts some effort into foreplay/non PIV stuff then neither one would be a major problem. If a man finishes quickly having skipped out on foreplay, then rolls over straight after I wouldn't be impressed.

Same if a man lost his erection - if he just immediately stops without communicating it could give the impression that he's only bothered about his own orgasm, and nobody wants a guy who's selfish in bed.

I do think it's not uncommon for a woman to feel a bit insecure or take it personally if a man doesn't finish or can't maintain an erection, especially if she's younger or a bit insecure. When I was a younger my ex would drink too much and couldn't finish and I have to admit I would feel a bit like I'd failed. It's one of those situations where logically you know you shouldn't blame yourself, but when you're naked and vulnerable it's sometimes hard to be logical!

Yes to this, I would never make a big deal out of it especially as a one off/early on and would just reassure/laugh it off depending on the vibe. It's totally natural our bodies are bloody weird and don't do what we want half the time.

The physical side isn't in your control, how you respond to the situation is.