Dating thread 53 - 2025. Cuffing Season

[ElleintheWoods]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
• Develop a thick skin
• Do not invest emotionally too soon
• It's all BS until it actually happens
• Trust your gut instinct
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
• Know your wortH
• If it's not fun, stop
• Loo update is mandatory
• No dating the thread
• Treat others as you'd like to be treated
• Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
• The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
• OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Hi! I posted on this thread a few months ago when I was having a lovely (bit spicy 😏) conversation with a potential date I met at a friends party. MrHair (very luscious!)

It fizzled out - we both had hectic work schedules but said we’d facetime, that never happened.

I dropped him a little nudge a few weeks ago congratulating him on a work thing that he left unread, so I moved on. I’ve just noticed now that he has read it and is online - I’m sitting on my hands trying not to message him haha. I do actually like him, but for my own self respect I’m not going back there! (Unless he messages with a fantastic reason or is incredibly apologetic for leaving me hanging).

Help me stick to my guns, ladies 😬

@Poppity3 don't message! did you ever meet him? You'll feel far far better if he messages you!

@BoxOfCats your Mr Nomad sounds lovely and attentive, just what anyone needs

Just popping on to say I'm still not really having much luck, though to be fair, its been tough getting over my ex. Work and family life is going well so cannot complain!! Maybe I need to change my pics.

Not sure who mentioned having a dating thread night out bit it sounds great. @ElleintheWoods you seem to be the one who is fighting off men all the time in real life so maybe you can organise something!

@Nosdacariad Maybe you feel a bit like me then. Just saturated and tired of it all and wanting something real.

@Eesha Haha what’s the brief?

@Poppity3 keep sitting on those hands!

@Eesha I hear you on the ex

@ElleintheWoods yes, that's it exactly!

I was not planning to date until after Christmas anyway and if MrX had not been an AH over Christmas we may have been seeing each other again.

@Poppity3 learn from me, my Mr Elusive comes and goes. We were meant to meet this week, fed up of not knowing what was happening, I said I could meet him tonight only to get knocked back - says he’s still interested but I’ve not seen him for weeks. In the meantime nobody is getting a look in cause I want to go out with him 🙄

@PinkNeonSign is that his plan? Keep you on the pinkneonbackburner?

@Nosdacariad I think so. We’ve each got our own kids, jobs, houses, families which I thought was a good thing, along with the fact the chemistry is hot and it was a can’t keep your hands off each other type of scenario on the few occasions I did meet him. I really thought I’d struggle to find a relationship cause I haven’t a lot of time to give, but turns out he has even less! I think we’ll just go back to texting about the shared interest and see what transpires, he’s the one that turns the conversation flirty making me think there’s more to it. I don’t suppose that stops either of us from going out with other people but I can’t see it being the same. I won’t beg him though, I think I got the tone right, I was quite breezy but it still doesn’t feel good xx

@PinkNeonSign it not feeling good is key x

Argh! That sounds so annoying! I’m the same, can’t quite move on because he’s in my head.

I successfully stayed silent last night, thanks for your support 🫶🏼

How are everyone’s weekends going?

@PinkNeonSignAny response from Mr Elusive? Sounds like you’re approaching it in the right way. Wait for him to do the chasing, otherwise he’s just not that keen.

.@Poppity3Very sensible not to follow up. Easier said than done though!

@Nosdacariad Hope Mr X is staying at a sensible distance!

@ElleintheWoods I do get your frustration. So many options yet 99.9999% of them don’t stack up. Gah!

Well, things have taken a bit of an unexpected turn with Mr Nomad. While he had indicated the other day that he wants to keep seeing me after he moves in 3 weeks, I still had a bit of a niggly feeling about it all. Hit him up again the other night about what he actually wants long term.

He basically said that he really likes me and wants to keep seeing me, but isn’t up for an actual long distance relationship as he’s tried that before a couple times and it didn’t work out. That he can’t see himself wanting to live in my city ever. Would love to keep seeing me but if I want a serious relationship then he’s not the guy for me, so he will understand if I want to call time on it.

I said I hadn’t gotten the vibe he was treating it like a casual relationship - quite the opposite - he calls me all the time wanting to chat, makes frequent 5 hour round trips to see me, is even coming up next weekend to fix my front porch which had a beam collapse. He reiterated that he does genuinely really like me, it’s just a case of geography.

So not really sure where to go from here. We’ve since had a chat where I’ve said that I’m not looking for marriage or even to live with someone, however I’m not up for continuing to see him if either of us are wanting to date other people, so he knows this is a dealbreaker. But also pointed out that his last long distance relationship was with someone a long haul flight away, and I’m a lot closer than that, and there’s not much to lose by giving long distance a go.

He’s not moving for 3 more weeks and we both still want to make the most of the time we have left so we basically just agreed to see out the next 3 weeks and then figure out what happens from there. I definitely don’t want to push for a long distance relationship if he’s not all in though.

So it looks like there most probably isn’t a long term future here, which is a shame. I’m tied to my city in the short to medium term for work, and while I could potentially get a remote role they’re rare in my line of work and the job market is virtually dead here right now. Really sad but at least I have the full picture now.

@BoxOfCatsit really sucks when it’s geography or life that gets in the way of an otherwise good match isn’t it. It’s a pity he couldn’t base himself nearer your city as he seems to have a very flexible job? Then again you can’t really compare a long haul flight away with a few hours drive away?
having said that things with Mr Russian are frustrating me. His car has broke down and needs a big job . We were supposed to meet up on Friday coming but I haven’t asked yet if he has to cancel. It will have been 2 weeks by then and that’s about as long as I think I can go between meet ups . Preferably once a week? Would you say?
big dog is still very attentive and I’m warming to him a lot. And he lives only about 40 mins away. We were meant to meet up tonight but I had to cancel - wasn’t my fault just circumstances. I did feel a bit weird meeting him as I slept with Mr Russian lat are and so feel a bit loyal to him like i am emotionally invested in him but then again we are meeting as friends first so I think it’s ok . Plus I don’t even know when Mr Russian will be able to meet up again though he does text me every day.I want more than a pen pal tho…?

@Ceci693 I still think Big Dog is the one for you!

I’m meeting MrMathematician this afternoon, can’t get excited about it. I think after this one I’m going to leave it alone for a bit and see what MrElusive does. Not sure what I’m hoping to achieve by meeting others when I know I’m probably not that bothered. Just enjoying the attention but that’s not really fair is it.

@BoxOfCats sad but good to have clarity.

I spent the afternoon with MrX. He thinks we can just sweep our issues under the rug. I've given him two concrete things to do which most people would find easy (both things he has endlessly talked about doing) and there's a 5% chance he'll do both so...I did avoid sleeping with him although I very much wanted to.

@Ceci693 it will become clear with Mr Russian soon I think.

@PinkNeonSign I feel like all's fair at this stage 🙂

@BoxOfCats And breathe. And equally, let it breathe.

Sounds like that's not what you wanted to hear. However, at this point I'd stop trying to define it, and enjoy it for what it is.

Not to give you false hope but men say that kind of thing, especially if they've been single for a while and are quite independent.

My ex said he was going to move abroad and just keep it casual and nobody gets hurt. 10+ years later we were still together, he didn't go anywhere 😂Another guy said we best not get involved cos he's moving away (he did move away) - several years later we've seen each other more than we ever did living close, and he keeps insuating I'm 'the one' (not interested but that's another story).

Men are really scared of commitment often, even more so if they really like the woman. It shouldn't be like that, 'if he wanted to he would', and all that, but realistically a lot of the time they are.

How do I know this? Cos when they get to 35+, they become pretty open about how they really liked someone and she was very interested, and they got scared so they just ran away. And years later they're still there talking about that woman and how they acted like a 13-yo boy as they got overwhelmed.

If I were you, I'd just enjoy the here and now, very much with the attitude 'oh this is cool, I know this isn't going anywhere but the sex is good' 😂

He'll be thrown by this reaction. He would probably expect you to get emotional and bring up 'but why?' again.

Here's the trick. You never bring it up again. You smile. You also get on with your own life, go out, look fire. He sees you slipping through his fingers slowly and realise that actually, it's his loss.

Give him space to overcome his internal conflict around commitment. If he changes his mind, it needs to feel like it's 100% his own idea.

Remember, he's nomadic. That shows that any kind of firm ties scare him by default, he wants to feel free and independent. Things need to feel like 'his choice'.

While I'm not saying this should be your happily ever after, I wouldn't be fully checking out after this development. Just enjoy it for what it is. Men are a lot like buses, after all...

Truth to be told I am probably going through something a tad similar with Mr RedFlagParade🚩

@ElleintheWoods I love you're words of wisdom.

I need to hear more about Mr RedFlagParade is he still on the scene?

My love life is non existent 😌

It does really sound like you’ve warmed to Mr Big Dog. I’m of the the view that you’re not exclusive until you’ve had the chat to agree that, but I also get that once you feel emotionally invested in someone it’s hard to think that way. But maybe it’s a good idea not to get too emotionally invested in anyone this soon…?

Yeah the geography thing sucks. Mr No ad could in theory stay in his town 2 hours away but doesn’t want to. I don’t blame him, it’s rural and there’s nothing interesting to do there. He doesn’t socialise much the few months of he year he’s there as he’s working around the clock so doesn’t have much of a life centred there currently.

Such wisdom, you don’t know how much I appreciate thus message!

Funnily enough I’d come to a similar conclusion myself yesterday. He is definitely an avoidant type, he said as much when we first met. Absent dad growing up and then was basically abandoned at boarding school by his mum, so I can see why commitment of any kind feels scary for him.

I did think the way I would approach it was to suggest I come visit him in January in his new spot (which will be absolutely stunning to visit at that time of year). And that we just not overthink it and see how we go. In some ways it suits me a lot to be in a relationship with someone I don’t live with so doesn’t feel like too much of a compromise. The only thing on my mind is I don’t particularly want to carry on if either of us will be seeing other people. He doesn’t seem willing to commit to this but then also said he’s not seeing anyone else, I think you’re right that he just wants to be the one in control…!

Did you spend any time with Mr RFP this weekend, or are you still just feeling frustrated with the general state of men? 😆

@Kat888 Thank you :) Update to follow.

@BoxOfCats I'm glad you found some sense in my essay :) To me the nomadic lifestyle gives it away with him. While it has its pros, with a particular personality type (who has maybe experienced loss or rejection), this is comfortable. I say this as I'm not dissimilar myself.

Your approach seems sensible. As long as you're having fun and looking after yourself (and your health!) that's all that matters.

Mr RFP🚩eh... Should have dropped him this week but I couldn't, despite no sex all month.

They say you meet your mirror and I do feel in our case it's true. It's not pleasant admitting it! Our dynamic is weird because we’re basically the same person: A-type, competitive, guarded, craving control but also craving softness and understanding. We're the type of person that seems to have lots of friends but feels nobody truly understands them. Two people like that end up matching each other’s distance and avoiding vulnerability.

It's like Mr Nomad dating Mr Nomad essentially 😃"Oh no, I don't want anything serious," we both say.

He calls me a lot, calls me “babe" in front of family and friends, but says he’s too focused to see me. He's 'sorting his life out', i.e. making a proper plan of what life after football would look like. He's in fact really obsessed with that and making progress. Extremely odd, but I get it because I’m similar.

Despite the confusion, he’s the first person in a long time who actually understands me without explanation, and I read him just as well. I don't even need to explain my fears, hopes, behaviours, likes, dislikes, he already knows.

Still don't think there's any future there at all, maybe we just need to write off the relationship part, but we're strangely good for each other.

For example, we talk through any challenges we face at work in a very meaningful and transparent way, the way I've never been able to speak to a friend or partner. We're also able to challenge each other and be very honest, e.g. 'When you did x, I assumed y, so I just did z'. And both laugh at how messed up we are but it's also nice that someone understands

Going to his game Tuesday. He says we’ll get time together, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

Other guys... For the men out there... IF A WOMAN DOESN'T REPLY TO YOUR TEXTS ENTHUSIASTICALLY... She's not interested and no matter how much you chat to her, she won't become truly interested.

@ElleintheWoods

. For the men out there... IF A WOMAN DOESN'T REPLY TO YOUR TEXTS ENTHUSIASTICALLY... She's not interested and no matter how much you chat to her, she won't become truly interested.

tell me about it - I think woman are brutal in this regard - I was on/off with my ex for a couple of years- in hindsight the relationship was a bit toxic really- but man oh man she cut me off without a word

in other news, the woman I’m dating is actually still married ( WTF) a minor detail that was dropped in recently

An oversight on her part not to say

Did she forget?!

Well I had 4th date with mr Beard yesterday evening. All went well and had a good evening. We DTD. It wasn’t the best sex ever but we can work on it. The evening was nice though. Nice food, he is chatty, funny attentive. I text when I got home. We exchanged a few messages. I was a bit peeved that he didn’t say he had had a good night until I did and it was me who asked if he wanted us to see each other again. He said yes, I agreed and then he left me on read. No good night message and no follow up for the next date. My anxiety is now in overdrive and I’ve not really slept.
I’ve mentioned before that I do have major anxiety when it comes to relationships and text anxiety can be bad too. I struggle to see what is normal and what is my anxiety going into overdrive. I don’t want to be needy, but I also don’t want to be taken for a mug.

So guys please help…. Is this dickisb behaviour for a man or is this normal and fine?

I’m of the opinion that if a man is keen, then he’ll make damn sure you know about it.

Easier said than done, but I’d try to take a step back if you can. Date other people and get on with your life. Let him chase you if he’s keen. If not, then be open to moving onto better things. Keep your options open.

It does sound like you and Mr RFP are two peas in a pod! It does sound like if the spending time together and ripping each others clothes off parts aren’t there this early on, that maybe you are better off as friends. In some ways it must also be nice to meet someone who is on the same wavelength/ you feel actually understands you?
Did you end up going to his game?

I’ve had no further chats with Mr Nomad on the future, we are back to carrying on as if the discussion never happened. At the weekend, despite originally telling me he’d be too busy to see me, he ended up making a 5 hour round trip to visit me. Left Sunday morning but still messaged me the rest of the day wanting to know what I was up to, called me twice, sent me a ridiculous selfie of himself to make me laugh. That kind of thing. Yet apparently we aren’t in a relationship… 🤣

If I am going to visit him at his new location I need to book flights ASAP as they’re getting increasingly expensive. I think I might just float it with him as “if I can find time in my busy life I’ll come see you, I’ll book some flexible flights for now and we can touch base closer to the time to confirm if it still works” 🙂

I also remember now that he told me in the early weeks of us dating that he stood someone up at the alter in his 20s 😱 She was from another country and apparently it was mainly for visa reasons but he got cold feet at the last minute (or so he says - I do wonder how many feelings were really involved). He also said a number of years ago he was meant to move to Canada with a girlfriend but broke things off at the last minute. So really there were some obvious red flags that he is just one giant commitment phobe. Argh!

yes you are right. I just have such anxiety about being rejected and the thought of being rejected after DTD hits hard. I think saying I’ve had a nice night and asking if he’s up for seeing me again, I’ve put myself out there enough. I need to wait for him now.
I’ve never been able to date more than one person at a time so yes I do put all my eggs in one basket 🤦🏻‍♀️