Page 16 | Dating thread 53 - 2025. Cuffing Season

ElleintheWoods · 2025-10-21T19:20:32+00:00

The Rules: - The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating - Develop a thick skin - Do not invest emotionally too soon - It's all BS until it actually happens - Trust your gut instinct - People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault - Know your wortH - If it's not fun, stop - Loo update is mandatory - No dating the thread - Treat others as you'd like to be treated - Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with - The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future - OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

BoxOfCats · 15/11/2025 09:02

@ElleintheWoods Sounds like the cracks are starting to show then. And it kinda sounds like he’s not really in the right space for a healthy relationship so maybe it’s better this happens sooner rather than later. And agree with everything @justsurvivingnotthrivingsaid.

I’m reading the book “Detached” at the moment and realising how not ready I was for my last relationship. Hoping I’m in a better place this time around. It’s a super interesting read so far.

I floated the idea of a birthday weekend away to Mr Nomad, and he was surprisingly receptive. Says he needs to work out his schedule as there are a few moving parts, but he seemed keen 🙂

BeAppleNow · 15/11/2025 09:37

ElleintheWoods · 15/11/2025 08:52

@NervesOfCotton Thank you. It is very frustrating. We were texting yesterday and he was being flirty and funny.

He's psychologially very complex (we talk a looot and he's very open, so I observe a lot). Without going to deep and boring you all, he maintains a very strong masculine front, quite extreme in fact. However, under all that, he's pretty vulnerable and soft, insecure, doesn't love himself. He was very open with me on our last date, and I frankly just think he's ashamed and avoiding me, but also pretending to not be avoiding me. He's attachment pattern is definitely anxious/avoidant, meaning he can be clingy, but also pulls away after too much closeness.

After all that yada yada though, end of the day, I want to date someone that's attracted to me and wants to physical with me, so regardless of reasons, something like this isn't going to work for me.

I've seen this pattern before, and the guys that acted like this genuinely did really like me, but it's not going to cause anything but frustration for me.

@justsurvivingnotthriving I can see you've made similar observations. Yes, you're spot-on. I'll follow your advice.

As you say, I loved being around someone where there was a lot of physicality, but we could also get lost talking for hours and hours about things that interested us both. Perhaps the 'mistake' I made was sending him a few reassuring messages over the last 7 days or so. Previously he was the clingy one and I just replied to his missed calls whenever. This week I made the effort to call him a couple of times, as I thought maybe he wasn't in a good place and I wanted to be supportive.

@BeAppleNow Yay! Sounds great! Now, I'm not your mum, but make sure you follow up with her (ideally within 12 hours!!!) and arrange another date also. If you want another date, of course. Don't be one of those guys that gets weird after sex :)

This could be my personal preference but IMO, if I'm in a new relationship, I'd expect to spend significant time in bed during the honeymoon stage. However, the men seem to disagree, at least in how they act. I date men in their 30s and 40s and the interest in staying up all night just doesn't seem to be there.

I do think health/ physical ailments play some part, but I'm surprised almost everyone has physical ailments. I have no issue with someone having a health issue where having sex for prolonged periods doesn't work for them, but if you want a woman physically, even things like cuddling, reading together, staying in and being playful around the house can be really nice.

Interest in going to places where there's lots of people around and wining and dining? Very high.

Edited to say, several guys have taken me to their work/ got me to meet their colleagues. It's sad they'd rather have that than be alone and naked with me.

Right, I'm off to cry into my mocktail at the spa and walk out looking and feeling fabulous, nevermind that nobody wants to sleep with me.

Edited

Next date, locked in - as I’m middle aged , saying up all night is not something that happens!

justsurvivingnotthriving · 15/11/2025 16:59

Yay to a weekend away with Mr Nomad @BoxOfCats

@Ceci693how did things wind up with the Russian?

@ElleintheWoodsHope you enjoyed your spa day! Sounds divine! Not sure where the world you are but if you’re ever looking for a giant friend to spa day with I’d be happy to join 🙋🏼‍♀️
Perhaps we should arrange a single ladies night/day out for those of us on the thread?

Following on from the comment I made about your guy… I hope you know that you showing kindness and empathy is not a bad thing, and if he can’t handle that in a woman whilst appreciate you are sexually attractive simultaneously- then it’s him with the issue!

I read Why Women Love Bitches, and it did resonate with me. Both times I’ve been cheated on in long term relationships (one being my marriage), none of the women were particularly physically attractive (but that’s fine, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that). But truthfully, because in both relationships (and with my ex husband I discovered a few women all at the same time) the women I confronted about it… were not kind, or warm, or in anyway bothered about the pain they’d caused. Perhaps it would have hurt more if these men had cheated with goddesses with a heart of gold, but I was left thinking “really? You destroyed us, for a woman who honestly seems awful!”

There’s something about the Madonna-whore complex.

Ill get off my soap box now 🫣

BeAppleNow · 15/11/2025 18:26

justsurvivingnotthriving · 15/11/2025 07:25

Ahhh, I’ve found myself in a situation like this before. I think somewhere in these men’s minds, when you give them a safe space to be vulnerable and open… it dampens the sexual desire on their part. Which is wild because from a woman’s point of view there’s nothing sexier than being sexually attracted to someone AND feeling emotionally safe.

Its great that he’s doing the work on himself, but in typical male fashion he’s unable to multitask and so his needs are coming first and you’re an afterthought.

My advice would be, dial it back a bit in terms of how much support you’re offering and continue to be unavailable for his last minute offerings. It’s so easy to get swept up in supporting someone you can forget your own needs. He should be trying to impress you despite whatever else is going on.

You deserve a partner, not a project x

Its great that he’s doing the work on himself, but in typical male fashion he’s unable to multitask and so his needs are coming first and you’re an afterthought.

I don’t think this is a particularly male trait, my previous GF was quite self centred, her needs always came 1st , I was the one who felt like an afterthought - this is what ended my previous relationship really

Original poster

ElleintheWoods · 16/11/2025 00:19

@BoxOfCats Oh he's 100% not in the headspace for a healthy relationship! That's why the name Mr RedFlagParade 🚩I knew this from the start. But I thought he was in the headspace for lighthearted fun, and now it's gotten all heavy.

Why do you think you weren't ready? I'm avoidant so in fact I know Mr RFP is kind of my mirror, and guess I'm learning about the frustrations of dating me, so perhaps it's a useful lesson to be at the receiving end of.

And yay for the birthday weekend! The fact that his immediate response was positive is a really good sign.

@justsurvivingnotthriving Oh my, I so agree with you. Maybe that's why I tend to be a bit distant and cautious at the start - because experience has shown me that once you are 'nice' to a guy, the sex is out of the window. Madonna-whore complex, once they start wanting to play house, you stop being desirable to him. I actually explained this to Mr RFP, and how guys get really emotionally attached to me but don't try to shag me, and he told me with a straight face that the more connected he feels to a woman, the more he wants her physically! Erm, yeah right.

Spa day was fab thank you. Feeling much better and above all this bs.

@BeAppleNow I don't think it's about being self-centred or not. Generally what I've found is that if a man is on a journey, e.g. working on a big life goal, or wanting to change who he is (like this guy), they maybe shouldn't be dating simultaneously. Their focus is elsewhere, and the dating can get messy/ just a side quest. I know I'm much the same myself, I don't have headspace for dating/ relationships when I have other big things going on.

In fact this is why I went for this guy, I have a lot on my plate right now and thought it would be easy to navigate, no drama. But there's so much drama from his side. I'm totally happy to support him, but avoiding me, running back to me 100 mph, and then getting weird again, then repeat, isn't a good dynamic.

I've been very much 'I'm free Friday and Sunday evening, shall we make some plans?' straight forward with him, so I'm not making it difficult or more stressful for him, I don't think.

Anyhow... will you tell us more about your mystery lady? Or a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell?

OP posts:

Nosdacariad · 16/11/2025 08:28

TwistedWonder · 11/11/2025 08:18

100% - it’s either trying to get you into the car for sex or absolutely zero effort. The only time in car dates were acceptable was during lockdown.

Im going to be honest, pretty much all of the posts on here about the men you’re all chatting to sound like more red flags than Moscow on May Day. Don't drop your bar to the floor for these men.

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Can we pin this post?!

Nosdacariad · 16/11/2025 08:36

BoxOfCats · 13/11/2025 18:46

How would you advise approaching birthdays early on in dating? I’ve been seeing Mr Nomad 7 weeks now, it’s his birthday in a couple of weeks. So quite awkward timing! I’d like to do something for it, assuming we are still seeing each other then, but I’m quite wary of not going too far overboard so early on.

if it’s relevant, he says he usually avoids doing anything to celebrate birthdays (so I’m not sure how easily I can pin him down for dinner or similar, especially as he’s also 2 hours away) and being nomadic he doesn’t have a lot of material possessions either. Help…

An experience rather than an item? Not super expensive or personal?

@ElleintheWoods I love how confident you are 🙂

MrSA was adorable but two red flags ( son lives at home with a coded lock on his door, MrSA is a prepper). Feel free to let me know if you think those are normal.

Mr Marine was due to meet this eve but has disappeared.

Nosdacariad · 16/11/2025 08:42

Kat888 · 14/11/2025 07:03

I totally agree it's a mad thing to ask in the first place. When he asked me the wedding was two weeks away so now it's even less.

It gets worse though, so he has said he has a room at the hotel but he will give me the bed as he's a gentleman 🙈 I for not one minute believe this. I feel I would be putting myself in such a dangerous situation where he has the control. Obviously I'm definitely not going but it's still nice to hash it out here.

The cynic in me thinks how many did he ask before me who clearly turned him down?

It's a hell no from me 😱

Nosdacariad · 16/11/2025 08:44

BeAppleNow · 15/11/2025 08:03

the comment about non sexual dates is very interesting, the messages that we (men) , often get is that there is more dating than just sex, so I think that’s a tricky balance to strike

anyhow had date number 2 last night and ended up in bed , so I guess that went okay then!

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How does that sit with you?

BeAppleNow · 16/11/2025 09:52

Nosdacariad · 16/11/2025 08:44

How does that sit with you?

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That’s an interesting question,
I like a non sexual date ( age maybe ) , as there is no pressure to perform- you can just be yourself- lunch - coffee whatever- all good

saying the above, I actually think that I made as mistake here , i suggested a dinner date to this lady ( she agreed), i suggested a location, which she countered with a different ( and better one ) , not too far from hers
she arrived by Taxi , I drove ( not drinking) , had a lovely meal, chatted well , we both of a similar age and background- so that’s good
end of the night I asked if she would like a life home ( expecting her to politely decline and call a cab ) , but the offer was accepted and I took her home and was invited in , for tea , all good

in hindsight I probably should have been a gentleman and left , but one thing led to another,
so it’s sitting a bit undersure right now, I think I’d actually like to get to know her better really.

Nosdacariad · 16/11/2025 12:35

BeAppleNow · 16/11/2025 09:52

That’s an interesting question,
I like a non sexual date ( age maybe ) , as there is no pressure to perform- you can just be yourself- lunch - coffee whatever- all good

saying the above, I actually think that I made as mistake here , i suggested a dinner date to this lady ( she agreed), i suggested a location, which she countered with a different ( and better one ) , not too far from hers
she arrived by Taxi , I drove ( not drinking) , had a lovely meal, chatted well , we both of a similar age and background- so that’s good
end of the night I asked if she would like a life home ( expecting her to politely decline and call a cab ) , but the offer was accepted and I took her home and was invited in , for tea , all good

in hindsight I probably should have been a gentleman and left , but one thing led to another,
so it’s sitting a bit undersure right now, I think I’d actually like to get to know her better really.

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Hope you get the opportunity, will you be open about how you feel?

Original poster

ElleintheWoods · 16/11/2025 13:31

BeAppleNow · 16/11/2025 09:52

That’s an interesting question,
I like a non sexual date ( age maybe ) , as there is no pressure to perform- you can just be yourself- lunch - coffee whatever- all good

saying the above, I actually think that I made as mistake here , i suggested a dinner date to this lady ( she agreed), i suggested a location, which she countered with a different ( and better one ) , not too far from hers
she arrived by Taxi , I drove ( not drinking) , had a lovely meal, chatted well , we both of a similar age and background- so that’s good
end of the night I asked if she would like a life home ( expecting her to politely decline and call a cab ) , but the offer was accepted and I took her home and was invited in , for tea , all good

in hindsight I probably should have been a gentleman and left , but one thing led to another,
so it’s sitting a bit undersure right now, I think I’d actually like to get to know her better really.

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@BeAppleNow Just out of interest... When you bring sex into the equation, does it change things somehow for the man? E.g. you say about getting to know her better, does the sex somehow get on the way of that? Genuine question, I'd just like to understand it from the male perspective.

If someone offers me a lift, they're sober and I'm not driving that day... I'd always say yes unless I don't trust the person, or where I'm going is hugely out of their way. In my world it would be a little 'rude' to decline, if someone declined my offer of a lift under similar circumstances, I'd wonder why.

I'd take her actions as a big compliment. She likes you, trusts you (enough to invite her to her house!) and wanted you physically. It doesn't mean she expects full commitment at this stage. That's literally it, she doesn't find you repulsive, if you decide to see her again, it doesn't automatically mean you're an item. I do feel that men often attach so much meaning to the 2nd date after sex, whereas I'm not sure it needs to be such a big deal.

OP posts:

Original poster

ElleintheWoods · 16/11/2025 13:55

Little update from me re Mr RFP🚩

Seems he has heard me and has made plans for him, me and his brother for after his match in Tuesday.

It seems he's going through a really rough time right now. It's not what he said to excuse his weird behaviour, but I can read between the lines. I honestly feel that what I would like first and foremost (regular passionate physical intimacy) is challenging for him right now due to various factors - again, reading this between the lines, I didn't bring it up, as he seemed in a vulnerable place when we spoke.

I doubt we'll continue dating. He would drag me down and I could end up in a dark place if I'd see him as a potential partner.

However I do think this man needs a friend right now that he feels comfortable opening up to. And maybe I need someone as well that really gets me to the core, which he does. So we'll probably just be friends.

Can I be bothered dating someone else? Not unless it really organically happens, e.g. someone kisses me under the mistletoe. I don't have the energy. I think I mentioned a very attractive, clever, ambitious 10 years younger guy is making a beeline for me. Part of me wants to give him the time of day but part of me just wats to stay in her bedroom alone with a cuppa and a book, phone not ringing, no guy trying to pin me down.

Had a nice chat with my happily-single-all-her-life mum and honestly, my vibe right now is 'being alone is so much more comfortable' and even 'buy that ridiculously expensive handbag, it'll give you joy and be reliable every day, other human beings are better kept at arm's length'

OP posts:

bluedabadeedabadoo · 16/11/2025 19:06

Good evening! I’m a newbie to this thread. I’ve been single for a very long time and just started dating again. I’ve joined this thread as I struggle so much to navigate dating and don’t really have anyone to talk to about it.
I’ve just had 2nd date with Mr Beard. He is perfect t on paper. He has his own home, good job, can drive and is financially stable (I’m not materialistic but want someone who matches me in that respect). He is a professional and is very gentlemen like and respectful. We have had 2 dates, first was coffee and second was dinner last night. It went well. I do have a few niggles. I’ve been hurt in the past dating and part of me just wants to throw the towel in when I have niggles in case I get hurt again but in the other hand if I know I have to give it time. I’m just struggling to find the balance.
the niggles are that he doesn’t ask many questions and conversations are very surface level. My last relationship ended due to 2 years down the line us never having opened up to each other so a surface level relationship is a massive fear of mine. On the other hand I know it’s only been 2 dates so I can’t expect him to be diving deep emotionally.
I have this fear too that he isn’t interested in me and is using me but I don’t have any reason to believe that, I think that’s just my insecurities.

There was no sex last night but he was definitely up for it which maybe does make me a bit worried. He made a suggestion the date could be at his (I declined), asked if I wanted picking up (he would then know where I lived and of course would be dropping me off) and lingered when I got in my car. I do think he wanted me to invite him back but I decided 2nd date was too soon. I’m not sure if I should say anything about this or not. Straight away when we weee home we did arrange another day (provisionally) but details not locked in yet. He did suggest today but I decided to have a few reflection days so it’s looking like it will be Tuesday.

I hope everyone has a good weekend!
if anyone would like to share thoughts on my post and dating experience with Mr Beard so far I’d be more than happy to hear people’s views 😊

Ceci693 · 16/11/2025 19:23

Interesting to hear all your updates . I had an amazing date - well turned into a date night - and well suffice to say it was really really good. An all-nighter 🤣and he is messaging me yesterday and today and wants a repeat asap lol. Am v v happy. He was very tall which I wasn’t expecting as he had put 5’6 in his bio- I’m only 5’3 so it doesn’t bother me - I’d say he was nearly 6 foot !! A nice surprise! He said he didnt understand the feet and inches measurement 🤣

NervesOfCotton · 16/11/2025 19:35

Hi bluedabadeedabadoo. I wouldn't worry about the personal questions thing at this stage as there's (hopefully!) plenty of time for that. Also him asking you to go to his, I have a kind of rule on this one in my head, they can ask in the early dates, once, & if I say 'No' & they don't immediately accept it then I'm done. So for me personally I would be happy to see him as long as he was respectful/accepted you not wanting to take things further.

Follow your gut really, if you are happy to see him again, then go for it!

Just a note on the dropping off & picking up thing, I've had men drop me home after a date & they dropped me at the end of my road (I live in the middle) & I told them that I'd wait for them to drive off, I just feel a bit safer then, as they don't quite know where I live. Also I was picked up at the end of my road, & after being walked home once, he left me round the corner & I waited for him to walk off before walking round the corner then home.

Ceci693 That's a great update, really pleased for you!

bluedabadeedabadoo · 16/11/2025 20:32

NervesOfCotton · 16/11/2025 19:35

Hi bluedabadeedabadoo. I wouldn't worry about the personal questions thing at this stage as there's (hopefully!) plenty of time for that. Also him asking you to go to his, I have a kind of rule on this one in my head, they can ask in the early dates, once, & if I say 'No' & they don't immediately accept it then I'm done. So for me personally I would be happy to see him as long as he was respectful/accepted you not wanting to take things further.

Follow your gut really, if you are happy to see him again, then go for it!

Just a note on the dropping off & picking up thing, I've had men drop me home after a date & they dropped me at the end of my road (I live in the middle) & I told them that I'd wait for them to drive off, I just feel a bit safer then, as they don't quite know where I live. Also I was picked up at the end of my road, & after being walked home once, he left me round the corner & I waited for him to walk off before walking round the corner then home.

Ceci693 That's a great update, really pleased for you!

Thankyou! My anxiety is so high when it comes to dating due to past trauma (I’m waiting for talking therapies) so this really helps. Yes he was completely respectful and has accepted my boundaries completely so I will see him again. In terms of taking me home, I was more thinking that I will feel obliged to invite him in and things can easily lead from one thing to another. I would probably have allowed it to happen but for me didn’t want to go there on the 2nd date.

NervesOfCotton · 16/11/2025 20:42

bluedabadeedabadoo Oh I see what you mean. If you feel like you can't tell him no at that point then don't let him come back with you for now? Tell him you are happy to take your own car for the time being. Or just see how it goes with the 3rd date.

I'm sorry that you've had a hard time, I hope that the talking therapies help. I've used them myself a few times.

PinkNeonSign · 16/11/2025 20:57

@Ceci693 I’ve been waiting for your update, that’s excellent news!!

I‘m a bit in the disillusioned.Went out with someone last weekend who went weird about childcare arrangements. So I threw that one back. Saw someone else on Thursday, he’s nice, handsome, replies to texts and didn’t seem to just have his mind on sex. So why am I not feel it?

In other news…Mr Elusive is back! Xx

bluedabadeedabadoo · 17/11/2025 22:20

So I’m supposed to meeting me beard tomorrow but he has not confirmed a place or time. I have heard from him today. He text asking how my week was going early afternoon and a bit of chat at tea time but nothing since. He knows I come from work so need to plan tonight.
other dates he has confirmed plans early on.
I did text about 40 mins ago asking if he’s still on for tomorrow but nothing since reply.
what would you make of this?

He was the one who asked to see me again straight after date 2 and suggested Tuesday.

Original poster

ElleintheWoods · 17/11/2025 22:31

@bluedabadeedabadoo It’s been 40 mins, leave him be.

if he hasn’t organised on time, knowing you need to organise yourself today, just work on the basis you aren’t going. When he resurfaces? “Oh sorry, didn’t hear from you so assumed we weren’t meeting. Unfortunately I can’t rejig things now. Another time?”

Good habits early on, he needs to know your time is valuable and he needs to plan in advance. And that you aren’t at his beck and call, ready to be flexible whenever.

I’ve only just trained my guy to understand the concept of planning earlier than same day 🙈

OP posts:

PinkNeonSign · 17/11/2025 22:55

@bluedabadeedabadoo it’s infuriating, wouldn’t make yourself too available, I think @ElleintheWoods has the right strategy x

bluedabadeedabadoo · 17/11/2025 23:07

thanks both.

I had just got myself in the mind set of it not happening and he then text back confirming. I’m really not feeling it now as I don’t like chasing. I know it’s 2025 and can’t be left to the man to do all the work but with how anxious I am, that is what I need or it sends my anxiety into overtime. I’m going to go because until about 5 hours ago I was looking forward to seeing him. I really need to try to stop reading into every message/ lack of message as a measure of how into me he is. I’m kinda expecting it to halt after tomorrow as to me this tells me he isn’t interested but again this could be just me, my anxiety and preparing for rejection.
Sex is definitely not on the cards tomorrow which is a good thing considering how up and down I am.

PinkNeonSign · 17/11/2025 23:19

I always feel like this @bluedabadeedabadoo i don’t think he’s not interested or surely he wouldn’t meet you tomorrow. If the mantra is if he wanted to, he would then surely if he didn’t want to, he wouldn’t!

bluedabadeedabadoo · 17/11/2025 23:21

PinkNeonSign · 17/11/2025 23:19

I always feel like this @bluedabadeedabadoo i don’t think he’s not interested or surely he wouldn’t meet you tomorrow. If the mantra is if he wanted to, he would then surely if he didn’t want to, he wouldn’t!

Yer but maybe it’s more that he isn’t fussed but will come along to kill some time given that I’ve promoted him. Ohh knows. I do need to stop second guessing. I really wish I didn’t. This is just making me think that I’m still not ready to date ☹️