Dating thread 53 - 2025. Cuffing Season

[ElleintheWoods]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
• Develop a thick skin
• Do not invest emotionally too soon
• It's all BS until it actually happens
• Trust your gut instinct
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
• Know your wortH
• If it's not fun, stop
• Loo update is mandatory
• No dating the thread
• Treat others as you'd like to be treated
• Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
• The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
• OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

It could be that people are just lazy with their swiping, and say yes to everyone then just filter through the matches to see who they actually like? I think it's quite a common strategy from men (and has been for a while) but on the whole OLD seems to be leaning more and more towards minimal effort so I wouldn't be surprised if women were getting lazier as well!

Which ones are you using? Bumble?

That’s one reason I gave up with OLD. Men getting g arsey because I did gr message/reply within minutes.

I remember being out fir lunch with friends I’m b home and a guy I’d matched with that morning sending several ‘hi are you there’ messages then a final ‘yet another time waster who just wants attention ton rather than a date - blocked’ - all in a couple of hours window after matching.

Errr no mate I’ve got a life I’m not glued to my phone

I've had a few of those, it's mad how angry they get! Blows my mind how a complete stranger thinks they're instantly entitled to your full attention.

I don't go on my phone at work and the other day I got 12 messages from one guy within 4hrs. Starting with "Hey", "Hello?", "Are you there??" and culminating in calling me a shallow attention seeking bitch with no manners who would never find a relationship. All the time he was working himself into a frenzy I was blissfully oblivious carrying on with my actual job.

Yes the entitlement on your time is breathtaking. They don’t seem to understand we have jobs, friends, families and lives.

I’ve posted before about a man I met in a pub one Sunday and we swapped numbers. To say he bombarded me is an understatement. I’d had about 6 messages and 3 selfies before I was even awake Monday morning . I got ready and drove to work and my phone bleeped several more times with the ‘are you there’ messages. When I hadn’t responded by about 10am because I have an actual job to do he started calling g me and left a VM saying g he’s worried about me! I sent a short ‘I’m working’ message!

He did slow up for a few hours but at 4 on the dot tried to call, then again at 4.40 and 5 - I messaged saying I’ve been at work all day and him bombarding me was a massive red flag so let’s leave it there.
He continued to message and call telling me I’d hit him wrong and could I give him another chance. I blocked him on WhatsApp and thought it was all done but when I woke up Tuesday morning he’d sent a text message essay about why I’d got him all wrong - honestly it was war and peace!

Then about a month later my friend saw him in the same pub and he grabbed her asking why I’d blown him out 🤷‍♀️

@TwistedWonder well you clearly made an impression on him! That level of intensity after one meeting is alarming, definitely dodged a bullet with that one.

I dunno if it's a man thing, maybe I'm being unfair and it's a both genders thing, but men seem to think we are literally sitting staring at our phones and ready to go out at short notice 24/7.

So if you don't reply fast, you're 'playing games'. If they say 'meet me at 8pm in this location' and you say you're busy, 'playing hard to get'.

Erm, no darling, my screentime is pretty minimal, my phone's on silent and I only check it when I feel like it, and 5 nights out of 7 I've got plans, often out of town.

I do wonder whether those people sit around looking at their phone 24/7 and have notifications on etc. And have no plans ever, unless they're going on a date. To be fair, men over 35-40 often don't have a decent circle of friends they regularly see or hobbies outside the home, so maybe they are.

How would you advise approaching birthdays early on in dating? I’ve been seeing Mr Nomad 7 weeks now, it’s his birthday in a couple of weeks. So quite awkward timing! I’d like to do something for it, assuming we are still seeing each other then, but I’m quite wary of not going too far overboard so early on.

if it’s relevant, he says he usually avoids doing anything to celebrate birthdays (so I’m not sure how easily I can pin him down for dinner or similar, especially as he’s also 2 hours away) and being nomadic he doesn’t have a lot of material possessions either. Help…

i had a similar thing in reverse a few years back, a woman I was seeing invited me to party - where a group of her friends were, she spent all her time chatting to them and left me , I felt quite alone- was the beginning of the end- such a shame- I think of her now

Still on Waste of Time, it’s like tumbleweed , the responses are terrible, the number of female profiles that say “:I don’t have a subscription so cannot respond “, is ridiculous.
anyhow - had a couple of dates, 1 lady was nice- but no click
2nd lady was nice - good date - swapped numbers etc - need to get a 2nd sorted out

I’ve had likes from women all over the place, most are far too far away

So update on my boring love life 😅 I need opinions because obviously I think this is a mad idea but still need to hear it.

So a guy I met on OLD has asked me if I'd like to go to a wedding with him. Now I've never met him due to distance and we have chatted on and off the last few months so when he asked me I was shocked.

Deep down I know I don't owe him anything and I haven't given him an answer yet but I feel it's alot too soon..

bad idea as you will be a wedding with nobody you know and a date you might not get on with

@Kat888well what are the arrangements. I think I’d probably want to meet him at least once or twice before the wedding. Also I’d want to get there in my own car so I could leave without drama if it didn’t work out. It’s a bit of a silly thing for him to ask really. Unless you can fit in a couple of dates before it. Meet halfway and stay over in separate rooms? Spend some time together would be a deciding factor for me

I totally agree it's a mad thing to ask in the first place. When he asked me the wedding was two weeks away so now it's even less.

It gets worse though, so he has said he has a room at the hotel but he will give me the bed as he's a gentleman 🙈 I for not one minute believe this. I feel I would be putting myself in such a dangerous situation where he has the control. Obviously I'm definitely not going but it's still nice to hash it out here.

The cynic in me thinks how many did he ask before me who clearly turned him down?

Kat888 Now see the soppy romantic in me (she's there but I try to keep her hidden for my own wellbeing!) ... is all 'Oh how lovely! What if it all works out & you end up getting married in the same place & that was your first date?' ooh soppy, soppy stuff like that

Obviously my sensible head says 'No', especially with your hotel update.

If he doesn't to much for his birthday, I wouldn't try change it. (I don't do much for mine, and I'm also nomadic and very picky about my things, so truth to be told I dislike material gifts, I know the intentions are good but I just have no use for them.

I'd say the best gift is your time. You say he always comes to you, so would you maybe consider going to him and spending a few days together? It doesn't even have to be a 'birthday thing', just general time together is nice, waking up next to someone etc.

What do you think he would do if it was your birthday?

@Kat888 I'm sorry, it's a no from me. I don't understand why someone is so insecure about going alone to a wedding? He really should have made the effort to ask you out before, he had absolutely months.

I've also had the 'oh don't worry I won't try anything, there's 2 beds' etc situations. As a young girl I believed them. Both situations ended up pretty rapey. Guys seem to have the impression that once a woman is in a room with them, all bets are off.

I have stayed in friends' houses platonically loads before and even shared beds, and I feel totally safe and comfortable doing that, but it's very different with someone that you've known a while.

Talking of beds, I really don't get what's happening with Mr RFP 🚩I've not seen him in person near 10 days now - he doesn't live far. He's calling/ texting daily and saying he wants to meet, but not walking the talk.

There's a little bit more to it. Since his red card incident on Tuesday, we had a bit of a chat that he initiated, and he said he wants to change and learn to control his emotions better, and has asked me for tips around mindfulness etc. He's up and running much earlier in the day, not sleeping til noon, and the crazy midnight texts have stopped. Seems he's going through some self-imposed transition.

I'm tired of all this. I just want a man that cuddles me and holds my waist, and appreciates my lingerie collection. Regularly.

I don't want to inspire someone to 'become a better person'. I'm not joking, I 'inspired' someone so much last year they actually emigrated, and actually said thank you for helping them see the person they wanted to become?!

If we get to 10 days with no in-person time I'm done. My phone's busy enough, I don't need yet another man that can't bring himself to shag me.

Yep you are right, getting him something material probably isn’t a good option. I did ask him once what he considered to be “romantic” and he said waking up with someone in a beautiful remote place, so I think you’re spot on about wanting quality time.

I’ve offered to visit him multiple times, however he’s currently living temporarily with his aunt in her house in a rural location. The house is huge but he’s said it would be a bit awkward having someone to visit which I can understand.

I’m leaning towards offering to book a weekend at an Airbnb at <lovely beach destination 2 hours away>, the only thing that’s stopped me is that he really isn’t a forward planner and is also unsure what date his work will wrap up for the year, so pinning him down for dates that suit is impossible. So I’m thinking the best approach might just be to be prepared to book somewhere last minute.

Thanks for the sense check, I really do have a tendency to overthink these things!

In some ways that’s good that he recognises the need to change, the main issue seems to be him not actually wanting to meet up? Has he said why he isn’t making himself available to actually meet?

It’s not fair of me to say he isn’t making himself available. He is, but it’s weird.

Like ‘hey can you meet for lunch’ knowing I am at work or ‘hey my brother is in town, do you want to come for dinner with us’ - when - ‘in an hour, are you in?’

Also the dates he’s been suggesting have been distinctly non-sexual. I currently have one rule in dating - ‘has to be unable to keep his hands off me’. He seems very comfortable keeping his hands off me and it frankly makes me sad. I feel the real issue is that he has shown me his soft underbelly and I didn’t run away, so now he probably feels embarrassed and vulnerable around me. Great.

Honestly, next time I meet a guy I’ll just pretend not to speak English. Cuts out the possibility of becoming their therapist

ElleintheWoods It does sound frustrating. Almost like he is self-sabotaging the dates? So he is trying to meet up, but then he's deliberately offering days/times that probably aren't doable for you. How are the texts now? Are they non-sexual too?

Ahhh, I’ve found myself in a situation like this before. I think somewhere in these men’s minds, when you give them a safe space to be vulnerable and open… it dampens the sexual desire on their part. Which is wild because from a woman’s point of view there’s nothing sexier than being sexually attracted to someone AND feeling emotionally safe.

Its great that he’s doing the work on himself, but in typical male fashion he’s unable to multitask and so his needs are coming first and you’re an afterthought.

My advice would be, dial it back a bit in terms of how much support you’re offering and continue to be unavailable for his last minute offerings. It’s so easy to get swept up in supporting someone you can forget your own needs. He should be trying to impress you despite whatever else is going on.

You deserve a partner, not a project x

the comment about non sexual dates is very interesting, the messages that we (men) , often get is that there is more dating than just sex, so I think that’s a tricky balance to strike

anyhow had date number 2 last night and ended up in bed , so I guess that went okay then!

@NervesOfCotton Thank you. It is very frustrating. We were texting yesterday and he was being flirty and funny.

He's psychologially very complex (we talk a looot and he's very open, so I observe a lot). Without going to deep and boring you all, he maintains a very strong masculine front, quite extreme in fact. However, under all that, he's pretty vulnerable and soft, insecure, doesn't love himself. He was very open with me on our last date, and I frankly just think he's ashamed and avoiding me, but also pretending to not be avoiding me. He's attachment pattern is definitely anxious/avoidant, meaning he can be clingy, but also pulls away after too much closeness.

After all that yada yada though, end of the day, I want to date someone that's attracted to me and wants to physical with me, so regardless of reasons, something like this isn't going to work for me.

I've seen this pattern before, and the guys that acted like this genuinely did really like me, but it's not going to cause anything but frustration for me.

@justsurvivingnotthriving I can see you've made similar observations. Yes, you're spot-on. I'll follow your advice.

As you say, I loved being around someone where there was a lot of physicality, but we could also get lost talking for hours and hours about things that interested us both. Perhaps the 'mistake' I made was sending him a few reassuring messages over the last 7 days or so. Previously he was the clingy one and I just replied to his missed calls whenever. This week I made the effort to call him a couple of times, as I thought maybe he wasn't in a good place and I wanted to be supportive.

@BeAppleNow Yay! Sounds great! Now, I'm not your mum, but make sure you follow up with her (ideally within 12 hours!!!) and arrange another date also. If you want another date, of course. Don't be one of those guys that gets weird after sex :)

This could be my personal preference but IMO, if I'm in a new relationship, I'd expect to spend significant time in bed during the honeymoon stage. However, the men seem to disagree, at least in how they act. I date men in their 30s and 40s and the interest in staying up all night just doesn't seem to be there.

I do think health/ physical ailments play some part, but I'm surprised almost everyone has physical ailments. I have no issue with someone having a health issue where having sex for prolonged periods doesn't work for them, but if you want a woman physically, even things like cuddling, reading together, staying in and being playful around the house can be really nice.

Interest in going to places where there's lots of people around and wining and dining? Very high.

Edited to say, several guys have taken me to their work/ got me to meet their colleagues. It's sad they'd rather have that than be alone and naked with me.

Right, I'm off to cry into my mocktail at the spa and walk out looking and feeling fabulous, nevermind that nobody wants to sleep with me.

High five, @BeAppleNow!
Do you think there will be another date? 🙂