Dating thread 53 - 2025. Cuffing Season

[ElleintheWoods]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
• Develop a thick skin
• Do not invest emotionally too soon
• It's all BS until it actually happens
• Trust your gut instinct
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
• Know your wortH
• If it's not fun, stop
• Loo update is mandatory
• No dating the thread
• Treat others as you'd like to be treated
• Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
• The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
• OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

So a more generic question, not sure if right for this thread... Do you ever struggle with the fact that it's often part of being a man sitting with difficult feelings or traits, like anger, dominance, aggression? I think to some degree all men possess them, but tend to mask them well in daily life, e.g. work, general interactions etc?

Asking cos the guy I'm seeing is a fairly serious athlete. Went to watch his match the other day and he got into a massive scrap with another player. Both got sent off.

He's really relaxed, chilled and kind with me, properly holds me for hours and brushes my hair. However that night we got back to his and he was angry and upset about the whole thing, throwing trainers etc. Settled down cuddling with me and none of this was directed at me in any way, but just reminded me of that side of men.

I know it's normal male behaviour. Anyone in a competitive environment will occasionally feel and act like that. Just made me feel a bit apprehensive witnessing this, I suppose. I'd say most women do not live with that emotinal pallette. Women probably feel sadness over anger.

Just popping in. Mr Nomad sounds complicated and Mr Red Flag Parade delightful.

I went out with MrX again...oops

Not feeling the whole OLD thing but Mr Marine seems nice, Mr Skater boy has no concept of a two-way conversation and Mr Local also seems nice. Mr Accountant also has no concept of the two-way conversation.

So they're either nice, ex or cannot ask questions 🙃

I've actually had this before with a guy who played local soccer nothing major but he would be in such a mood if they lost and I remember thinking it's the only time I saw that side of him. It's a passion they have I think. Other than that he was quite calm.

Whaaaat. Girl, you are too much of a softie! Mr X has got a hold on you it seems…

I personally don’t think throwing things around in anger like that is normal or healthy behaviour. It would make me uneasy and wonder what would happen if I ever did something to piss him off.

@ElleintheWoods what you're describing sounds like toxic masculinity and I would worry as @BoxOfCats about your safety.

I dated a guy who sounds similar. He punched me in the back of the head as I walked away from him downstairs during an argument.

@Nosdacariad @BoxOfCats You make a good point, what you’ve said out loud was the thought back of my head.

Thing is, it’s normal/ desired behaviour in some jobs, eg athlete, soldier, police, bizarrely some office roles like stockbroker. You literally get trained to lean into your aggression at certain points. Therefore I’ve stayed away from dating these jobs now that I’m older and wiser. Had a very brief stint dating a professional fighter (god knows why, I guess he locked me down quicker than I could use my brain!) as a young girl and seeing him be aggressive in situations made me uneasy.

I see these kinds of men frequently professionally, therefore I’ve come to think of this as ‘normal’, but suppose it isn’t?

I think it may have been seen as normal in the past.

The guy I mentioned could start a fight in an empty room.

So I have a date tonight hurray !!!!! Hmm not sure what to call this guy - maybe white teeth as his teeth are dazzling 🤣girls what do you think tho he is half suggesting I drive to his town - about 40 mins away. There doesn’t seem to be anything half way it’s just country side so the other option is for him to come up to the city. I could get the train in to the city centre. Not sure if he would want to drive though. Does it look desperate if I drive to where he is 🤣he wants a drink and I don’t really - maybe 1 glass but not that bothered

Half way or he drives UNLESS you want to be doing all the work in any relationship.

If he wants a drink a hotel room just for him is an option 😁

That's what I'd tell a friend anyway...

@Ceci693 I agree with @Nosdacariad - half way or he drives. If he isn’t willing to make the effort now, it doesn’t bode well.

So … update…. I had decided not to go as it all seemed a bit one sided and then he rang me just as I was texting an excuse and he was so charming on the phone about how he was new to the area and he didn’t know anywhere and that it was totally up to me bla bla bla. Well he sounded lovely so spur of the moment I decided to go. Disaster. He jumped me almost immediately. Lucky for me he was decent enough to stop when I said stop thank god as it could have gone very wrong very fast. Then back into the bar where the band were and he sees all his mates. He doesn’t want them to know I’m his date he wants me to pretend something else. Then he just ignores me mostly. A few times he says u ok - he was also totally pissed. When he turned his back on me for the umpteenth time I made my way out jumped in the car and left. Thank god. Oh girls it’s so depressing isn’t it. They are such charmers I fall for it everyl the time I feel so stupid now. Lesson learnt I guess

This was Mr White Teeth? Oh god, that does sound disastrous. Glad you managed to escape unscathed! Yes it’s such a depressing state of affairs isn’t it. Always go with your gut!

Right, so I have managed to sort things out with Mr Nomad. And he’s been quite clear that it’s me who he has feelings for. It is actually starting to feel like we’re in a relationship, I’m just too chicken to ask if we are in one or not…

Ceci693 I'm glad you are ok. Doesn't sound fun, sounds like he wanted to try it on & if that didn't work then just spend the evening with his friends. I'm sorry for you. On to the next!

BoxOfCats I don't envy you here

Yay! That’s lovely.

I know it’s a thing but has it always been a thing? I’ve never had a ‘are we in a relationship’ discussion with anybody. Did it become a thing when Facebook first launched and you had to ask whoever you were dating what your relationship status was?

Usually in my world one of them refers to the other as their boyfriend/ girlfriend off-hand and that’s that, settles what both already knew.

Awwww I’m happy for you @BoxOfCatsi hope this guy is trustworthy but you seem to have your head screwed on . I’m hoping it works out .

@ElleintheWoodsyes it seems like a new thing to me as well. Reminds me when we were in school and saying “will you go out with me” - that meant you were an item ha ha. Maybe it’s because we are all dating multiple people at the same time?

Was having a conversation with s friend about this -this is really such a new phenomenon that the rules are emerging and those of us coming out of a very long marriage etc are stumbling around the new etiquette because there never was before a time when (especially older people) dated mulitiple people concurrently.
It is like a social experiment.

@Ceci693 please don't feel stupid. That was on him, what an ARSE.

@BoxOfCats tell him "if you want us to be a couple you can ask me out."

MrX did exactly that "will you go out with me?" direct, we knew where we stood. (This was before all the lies obv!).

@KittyCorncrake @Ceci693 Who changed the rules though? I am online more now reading about dating etc, and I don't like some things that some people think of as rules. I'd rather do everything at my own pace and following what feels right to me. E.g. sex on third date. How's that a rule?! Everyone's different.

Perhaps I am in a different headspace to most daters though, i.e. I am not looking to get into a serious committed relationship asap.

In fact I tease Mr RFP🚩about 'all his other women'. I imagine if we were to ever become a serious item (we won't), it would be quite obvious for us both. E.g. excessive time spent together, doing boring daily chores together in addition to the more exciting stuff, being together more publicly etc.

Talking of which, despite further red flags emerging, I will continue seeing Mr RFP for a bit longer. Reasons? It's very fantasy-like, he's this gorgeous ex pro footballer, visually perfect head-to-toe, and sexually we're a 99% match, I'm getting exactly what I want and need. He's so gentle and considerate, and to be honest he's just someone that needs to be held and looked after for a bit right now.

Equally, the conversations we have are so interesting. He's so comfortable talking about very abstract and philosophical things, so deep. Whereas with other men, soooo much of the conversation is:

• debate about which ice cream flavour is superior
• best holiday destination/ most liveable part of town
• most effective exercise and diet regimes
• what the guy should wear for an outing, what I will wear

Honestly. 🙄🙄🙄

While I know he isn't the one and I have some pretty big reservations, for the first time in a long time I've met a guy where we actually really enjoy being around each other and I want to enjoy it a bit more.

Any other 'rules' you feel have changed? And do we think it's an age thing, e.g. did our parents' generation date in a similar way in their 40s and 50s?

I think the sex on the third date is boswelox.

I imagine it's OLD that has altered things and/or the media embracing things like FWB which makes it more mainstream though I'm sure it was always a thing.

That actually sounds quite lovely, what you have described between you and Mr RFP. And he sounds hot - if it weren’t outing, I’d beg you to post a photo of him 😂 If only we could do a ‘Men we are Dating on Mumsnet Annual Calendar’ with photos… 😂

Maybe you should just keep an open mind about where things are going? After all, love isn’t something one can plan 🙂 (A difficult thing to accept for someone as highly planned and organised as myself!)

Haha yes it does seem a bit silly to ask Mr Nomad if we are in a relationship or not, doesn’t it 😂 In fact I don’t really know what the rules are nowadays. I’m 44 and out of the loop! It definitely doesn’t feel like Mr N is treating this casually. He still calls me every day, and on Saturday night drove 3 hours up to see me immediately after work, then had to leave at 4.30am the next morning to be back at work on Sunday, so he is clearly making an effort. And wants to spoon me in bed and hold my hand when we go out, that kind of thing. So maybe I don’t need to ask, I guess if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…

Mr Charismatic is still messaging although hasn’t gone as far as asking if I want to meet up. I don’t know if I’m some kind or backburner option for him? I guess this is what has been weighing on my mind. If Mr Nomad and I are an item, then it’s probably time to stop replying to Mr C.

Oooh I actually don’t know what it was like for out parents generation. My mum is 70 and has no filter so I’m a little scared to ask her! 😆

Haha awww. I really appreciate this level of clarity! Seems it’s not just me who does then.