Husband and his debt

[CarryOnRewardless]

At Christmas 2024 my husband took out a credit card without my knowledge and used it for online gambling, within about 2 months it was up to the limit of £8,000.

Obviously I was so upset about this and took over all finances. The minimum payment on the card is around £250 a month so he’s added that to our outgoings for absolutely nothing.
I’ve been chipping away at the card and every couple of months I ask to see the statement to make sure there’s been no transactions.
A couple of months ago there was transactions on there and I was so upset and he made a big show of calling the card company and reporting it as unrecognised transactions. During the call it dawned on him that it was him (what a surprise!) He was going to GA did about 10 meetings then stopped.

The payment is due this week and I’ve asked to see a statement and he’s asking why so there’s obviously something on there. Last time he told me he’d deleted the card from his phone so that’s a lie.

If I had a normal job I’d LTB but I do shift work and our child is a too young to be left all night on his own

How would you manage finances going forward? I know the usual Mumsnet answer is we’re married it should be joint money but I don’t want to manage his money any more it’s too stressful and paying off his debt while he’s adding to it anyway. He has no concept of budgeting and thinks he can spends what he wants.
I’d like to just take half the bills and food and the rest is his. He will then blow it all at the weekend and then won’t be able to get to work. Then he’ll ask to borrow from me no doubt but this cannot continue

Sorry just had to get that out

Why hasn’t the card been cancelled? I couldn’t live like this. I think you need to split up, even if you have to change your job.

Sounds worth a job change, or he can have DC on the nights you are working. If you choose to stay it’s your debt too so I’d keep watching it. Why hasn’t the card been cancelled?

Tried to close the account, they said they can’t close it with a balance owing. I could get him to try cancelling the card but wouldn’t they just send a new one in the post?

I’ve looked into changing jobs if I went back to admin work 9-5 which is what I used to do it would mean a £25k pay cut which I wouldn’t be able to do if I have to get a mortgage on my own (we live in the South East)

He's got to go unless you can figure out a way for him to have no access to money at all. All addictions ruin families but gambling is the one that can destroy a family in a matter of seconds. I'd rather a coke sniffing, alcoholic to a gambler any day.

You take him to your local CAB and speak to a debt advisor.

Sorry to hear this. Is he going to gamblers anonymous or anything like that? I hope he is paying off the credit card and not you! Is it in his name? I wonder if you could transfer it to a 0%card at least to help with the interest.

Im sure moneysavingexpert will have some good advice and resources.

I couldn't do this again. You can't trust them. Let him pay it himself he won't learn if you keep baling him out. My ex remortgaged the house behind my back to gamble and gambled the £18k his mum gave us for IVF so I have no sympathy anymore

Do you still love and trust him? No point in staying together just for childcare arrangements

He hasn’t addressed his gambling so it will continue to happen. It needs to be his debt that he is responsible for paying. Not a family debt. Until he accepts responsibility and gets treatment for his addiction it will continue.
protect yourself and your children before you lose your savings and house.

The dad won’t cease to exist though he can still care for his child while you’re working. If you carry on and this escalates you could loose your house anyway. DH can delete the card from his phone and cut up the physical card. If he informs the credit card company of his addiction they should put a block on issuing a new card

Several options

1. You look into getting help taking care of your child during your working nights. Can he spend the night with family on your night shifts?
2. You arrange a custody plan based on your shifts. Your - hopefully stbx- husband has him when you're working, you have him when you're not
3. You look into getting another job and take the pay cut. It requires a temporary lifestyle change, for now, but will give you peace of mind to live your life on your terms and not have to clean up the messes made by another adult.
4. You stay and get professional help managing your finances, etc. I once had a boyfriend with a gambling problem. Gambling addicts are not great customers for a bank. They know the risk is huge that they won't get paid. The bank agreed to close his card and turn the debt into a personal loan, for which I had to co-sign (DON'T EVER DO THIS!). At least he couldn't collect more debt on the card.

Call Gamcare for advice OP https://www.gamcare.org.uk/

I couldn't stay with someone who did this. You do know he will continue to gamble!

Trying to have joint finances with someone who has a gambling addiction is trying to have joint finances with a black hole, it might not mean to suck away everything you try to build together but it will.

Joint finances work when both people are open about what they are spending on and both have a vote on a budget that they stick to. It doesn't work where there is addiction or abuse.

I think you need to come to terms with the fact you can't contain/manage this and he isn't able to either and you need legal advice about separating finances at the earliest opportunity from him.

I understand that downstream from the decision to seperate from him are other decisions that you might find difficult like childcare for shift work, possible career and/or location changes, future house buying timeline etc. But staying in a relationship with an untreated gambling addict is going to suck up anything you try to build financially so it's not really an option, it's just going to get worse. All you can do is build something solo for you and your child on solid ground. Even if that is something smaller than you dreamed of building together. That dream life has gone, you can't do that with a gambler because he can always run up another credit card or take out a loan.

If you still want to be in a relationship with this man but protect yourself financially I think your only option is divorce even if you stay living together. Then at least your financial ties are cut and if he racks up debt after the divorce it's not going to be your problem.
If he hasn't done anything to stop, he isn't going to, he is clearly being deceptive. You need to protect yourself as he certainly won't protect you

Could you see about getting an extension to you mortgage, using that to pay off the card, and then cancel the card?

The interest on the extra mortgage payment would, I imagine, be considerably less than the card is charging.

We did this but I admit that was many years ago now.

I think families in the USA face this reality a fair bit (couldn't give any statistics!) I've certainly read of several instances where one person gets into medical debt due to unexpected medical bills. Divorce is needed to separate the financial ties and one declares bankruptcy without bringing the whole house down around them.

How could anybody trust him now?

This.

Let him sort His debt, and you separate from him, and get on with your life. Don’t be financially tied to him. He’s dragging you down.

@Doggymummar

He gambled away the money you were gifted for IVF.???

Words fail me. What an absolute betrayal.
I'm so sorry.

Yep he was a proper twat

Self exclusion from all gambling sites he uses would be a start ,and as someone else said gam care could help.

I'd leave. Multiple broken trusts and he's clearly likely to do it again.

You say he also can't budget and thinks he can spend when he wants.

Move the balance onto an interest free credits card in your name only. Get him to Freeze his credit so he can’t do it again x

To "freeze credit" in the UK, you need to contact each of the three main credit reference agencies—Experian, Equifax, and TransUnion—individually to request a credit freeze or security freeze. This prevents new credit from being opened in your name, protecting against identity fraud by restricting access to your credit report. You can manage this online, by phone, or by mail, with the online option often being the fastest