Husband and his debt

[CarryOnRewardless]

At Christmas 2024 my husband took out a credit card without my knowledge and used it for online gambling, within about 2 months it was up to the limit of £8,000.

Obviously I was so upset about this and took over all finances. The minimum payment on the card is around £250 a month so he’s added that to our outgoings for absolutely nothing.
I’ve been chipping away at the card and every couple of months I ask to see the statement to make sure there’s been no transactions.
A couple of months ago there was transactions on there and I was so upset and he made a big show of calling the card company and reporting it as unrecognised transactions. During the call it dawned on him that it was him (what a surprise!) He was going to GA did about 10 meetings then stopped.

The payment is due this week and I’ve asked to see a statement and he’s asking why so there’s obviously something on there. Last time he told me he’d deleted the card from his phone so that’s a lie.

If I had a normal job I’d LTB but I do shift work and our child is a too young to be left all night on his own

How would you manage finances going forward? I know the usual Mumsnet answer is we’re married it should be joint money but I don’t want to manage his money any more it’s too stressful and paying off his debt while he’s adding to it anyway. He has no concept of budgeting and thinks he can spends what he wants.
I’d like to just take half the bills and food and the rest is his. He will then blow it all at the weekend and then won’t be able to get to work. Then he’ll ask to borrow from me no doubt but this cannot continue

Sorry just had to get that out

Tried this they won’t talk to me unfortunately as it’s not my account

When he asks for more money…“Oh dear. It was rather silly to ask for all of your money, only to piss it away on an online game. Have you considered Vinted or OnlyFans?”

Get your earnings and benefits paid in to a sole account with a totally separate bank from his (ideally one that is not in the same group of companies).
Just use the joint account for bills.
Make the joint account bank aware of his gambling addiction. They will probably remove any overdraft facility and pllace a flag on the account.

This has actually made my day! Thank you!

Luckily we have no joint accounts apart from mortgage

I saw your post on money matters and wanted to come on to speak to you.

I too have experienced this situation, although the debt my DH racked up for double what your husband has, but the amount doesn’t matter, the dishonesty does. It really ripped us apart for a while. And I knew I had to make a final decision, to address it, or leave.

Like you, I took over the finances, was signed onto his bank accounts, took the cards, saw his clear score report - monthly, etc.

What I decided to do, and what worked for us. Was; I got him to sign up to the gamble stop site, he is now unable to access any gambling sites.
I Made him consolidate his debts, into one loan and Cancel all credit cards. The loan was in his name only, linked to his bank account. I then set up a standing order for that amount each month from our joint account (where his wages are paid into) into his for that amount and that amount only.
I still have his ClearScore account on my phone so any changes I’m notified of (there hasn’t been any). I’m also on his bank account so if he was to transfer any money to spend it I’d be able to see it.
This way, there was full transparency, the debt was being paid, without having to think about it each month and knowing he couldn’t be spending anymore on said credit cards as they ceased to exist. I can see where every penny of our money goes, I can see if he’s tried to apply to any further credit cards (he did not).

He worked bloody hard to regain my trust and to make amends for his dishonesty and betrayal. And we’re happy and thriving (although I do often want to kick him when a big chunk of our money is paying off the loan each month) but, it temporary.

Unless you don’t wish to be in the marriage anymore, it is fixable and resolvable but you both have to be willing. If he is continuing to be dishonest despite you trying to help him out of a hole, then it won’t work.

Its sounds like a frank conversation needs to be had. You need to tell him it’s going to be X Y and Z or you walk away.
happy to answer any questions you may have also, I remember feeling very isolated when I was going through it myself. X

OP honestly you do need to divorce this man. I commented on your original thread and have been following it as since I said, I was in the exact same situation. The divorce was finalized in August. He got lit £97k from the sale of the house…and 4 months later…I can tell you he probably has very little left. He has bought a new car, a motorbike, holidays. Loads of stuff for the kids which is nice of course but it just shows that even though he lost his marriage over his inability to work with money, he still can’t change. I’ve bought a little 2 bedroom flat and yes it’s hard but you know what…I sleep easy at night now knowing I won’t be losing the roof over mine and my children’s head because of someone else’s foolishness.

I'd divorce him fast before he spends all his money, can't get to work and gets the sack leaving you liable for the entire mortgage payment

Honestly couldn’t make it up; he asked me to buy him an item from the shop on my way home (I was going there anyway to get dinner)

I said no problem transfer me the money then. He said he would when I got in as he was just getting in the shower. Fine

It’s only £6 but I’ve asked him 3 times since I got in from work and he hasn’t sent the money. When I questioned it he said I was being pinikity (probably spelt that wrong!)

I won’t ask again but if he asks for something again I’ll say money upfront or I won’t do it. It’s only £6 am I being petty?

You need to just leave him as nothing is going to change

It doesn't matter how much it is though does it, it's the fact he clearly isn't going to give it to you, and even more clearly he has spent all his!

Don't give him any more money and don't buy him anything unless he gives you the cash up front. He is a liar and you shouldn't trust a word he says.

I’ve been doing the sums and I could manage the bills alone on this house. I couldn’t buy him out on top so would need to sell but that’s fine this house is too much for me anyway needs quite a bit of work and the garden is huge.
There’s a new estate closer to my sons school and I could get a 2 bedroom house for the top of my budget or a 2 bed flat or maisonette easily.
I have a dog so would like a house with garden if I can.
My only fly in the ointment is my job, I’ve asked to come off of the shift work and do Monday to Friday day time and the answer was no

Did you explain why you needed to change your shift? Do you have a trade union rep who could help?

Yes I did but there not really family friendly and I’d never be able to move from here if I took a 20k pay cut

OP you are on the Titanic and there is one space left on one lifeboat. The ship will sink in the next half hour.

This is your situation. Seperate legally NOW.

This

Thank you everyone. Just want to be out of this now but can’t because of my job.
My son is 11, not sure if that’s too young to be left

You can’t use credit cards on UK gambling websites. It was made illegal a few years ago.

If he is using it to access non UK websites that constitutes illegal activity. It also means that tools such as Gamstop won’t work as they don’t cover black market unregulated websites.

Preferably put everything in your name so you know house and bills are paid for then demand half from him, on the 1st month before he has spent it all. Then you can get him to leave when you are ready.

Or have everything go out on the first and pay 50:50 (can you check he has paid his bit?) Ideally the first situation though. All you need is his 50% on 1st then if he runs out of money that’s his issue.

His credit card debt at your address could be a pain though.

I think 11 is too young to be left overnight unfortunately.

11 is too young to be left alone overnight. It's such a shame for you that that is so: you can't be the only person in that position here & hopefully someone might come along with a creative solution to it.

Your life would be so much easier without this man weighing you down. Gambling is an awful thing to deal with. Good luck, @CarryOnRewardless

You can freeze his credit so he can't get more credit cards. You can blacklist him with gambling sites. You can apply for a new card on this account out and cut it up.

You know what he'll do? Because it's not magically stop being an addict. He'll sart stealing. Taking your card, your cash, kids birthday money. Your jewellery. Begging and borrowing off friends and family. My mums husband stole an old man's life saving, a man he called his second dad. He stole my mums jewellery, a gift off her dead mum. He'd lie about how much the tyre change was. Organise contractors and get them to tell her the job was more than it was and have them give him the difference. Then he'd pay me to keep quiet and use that money to frame me for stealing off her.

There's no escaping it. He's an addict.

@ADHDwifeHP I’m sorry if this is overstepping but have you added your email as one of the three contact addresses on your Land Register? It’s free to do.https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/updating-registered-owners-contact-address

The reason for having your email address is so you are notified if he tries to secure a loan or second mortgage without your knowledge. Email can’t be intercepted like snail mail.

11 is much easier to manage than a toddler. Could you find a regular babysitter to sleep in overnight. Lots of people are looking for some extra income. Maybe a retired reliable lady? If you paid someone £250 a month you’d be no worse off financially than you have been chipping away at the credit card and you’d be free of your husband so much better off. Of course that’s less than usual hourly babysitting rates but I’m sure you could find a kindly person who would be glad of a monthly cash top up just to sleep in a different bed a few nights a week.