Husband and his debt

[CarryOnRewardless]

At Christmas 2024 my husband took out a credit card without my knowledge and used it for online gambling, within about 2 months it was up to the limit of £8,000.

Obviously I was so upset about this and took over all finances. The minimum payment on the card is around £250 a month so he’s added that to our outgoings for absolutely nothing.
I’ve been chipping away at the card and every couple of months I ask to see the statement to make sure there’s been no transactions.
A couple of months ago there was transactions on there and I was so upset and he made a big show of calling the card company and reporting it as unrecognised transactions. During the call it dawned on him that it was him (what a surprise!) He was going to GA did about 10 meetings then stopped.

The payment is due this week and I’ve asked to see a statement and he’s asking why so there’s obviously something on there. Last time he told me he’d deleted the card from his phone so that’s a lie.

If I had a normal job I’d LTB but I do shift work and our child is a too young to be left all night on his own

How would you manage finances going forward? I know the usual Mumsnet answer is we’re married it should be joint money but I don’t want to manage his money any more it’s too stressful and paying off his debt while he’s adding to it anyway. He has no concept of budgeting and thinks he can spends what he wants.
I’d like to just take half the bills and food and the rest is his. He will then blow it all at the weekend and then won’t be able to get to work. Then he’ll ask to borrow from me no doubt but this cannot continue

Sorry just had to get that out

I’d rather not move the debt into my name, if he left tomorrow I’d be stuck with it. And what if he just got another credit card

Fair enough. You’d need to trust that he is committed to treatment/ recovery to go this route. Would he let you transfer it to a card in his name but not tell him which card etc? So he’d never know how to access it? So hard for you and unfair but if you are staying with him you both will need to work together if you decide to leave him the debt is his problem and not yours xxxx

Quite right, putting the debt in your name would be monumentally stupid- deffo don’t do that
If I’ve read this right, it’s now 3 times at least that’s he’s done this? That he won’t cancel the card (I’m pretty sure you can freeze an account whilst paying it off by the way) and despite you finding out, he basically has stuck two fingers up at you and carried on with the self gratification
He won’t stop. Even if he cancelled this card, he’d just find another way of gambling. You need to leave. Or take over ALL finances and just give him pocket money- which would probably be the end of your relationship anyway. Either he would refuse or you would tire of being married to a petulant child you need to play mummy to

Honestly OP I would leave. A gambling addiction I think is worse than anything. You can end up financially destroyed in hours.

He is clearly still in the grip of it. It you can’t leave, completely separate your finances from his.

I'd divorce him quickly. He can still do some child care for his DC. He won't change. You gave him a fresh start and he blew it. Think of your future and your DC's future. As long as you bail him out h will continue. Basically he's an addict and addicts put their addictions before their families. Don't let him financially ruin you too.

Do not do this. It is not your debt. Stupid advice.

Separate your finances completely. He will carry on doing it, you won’t be able to stop him and it will only get worse. You need to get out, before you lose even more. Don’t wait for it to happen - because it will.

I’d speak to a solicitor and divorce.

I disagree why should OP be stuck with the debt!!! No way. Really bad advice however I’m no expert and you should seek advice from CAB / Gam Care / financial advisor etc.

He will carry on gambling though. It is an addiction and until he gets help it will get worse. He will likely continue to deceive you and lie to you.

For those that are saying it’s not OP’s debt, it is as they are married.

I’m confused how he’s used a credit card for gambling as they are no longer accepted for anny kind of gambling (except lottery tickets and scratch cards ) only debit cards?

Gambling addiction is without a doubt the hardest addiction to kick and very very few ever get ‘clean’ .

It will only get worse and beg to cut your losses now as you will only spiral into more debt with him until you are no longer financially connected.

He will destroy you both emotionally and financially if you continue to stay and enable his addiction. It’s no life for your kids either seeing their mother constantly fire fighting the next crisis. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

And do not stay with him merely because you work shifts. The way out here is via divorcing him.

What kind of gambling has he been doing on the credit card?

UK regulations have banned people from gambling on credit cards so you may have a case with the provider as they should have stopped the transactions.

He also shouldn’t have been able to go into debt with the gambling firm as (like credit cards) credit facilities are also banned by the Gambling Commission in the UK. If this was the case, you’d likely be able to get the debt wiped and the credit card deposits refunded if you complained to the firm.

Looking ahead to how you manage very different attitudes to budgeting/spending as a married couple, Dave Ramsey has some good videos on how to approach this on his socials and YouTube.

@CarryOnRewardless go to a solicitor and get a legal separation date. .(I’m sure any debt taken out after this is on him )
claim UC and maintenance . Sleep separately and tell him his finances are on his own head now .
Half bills . I’d also speak to credit card company and tell them it’s fraud and to cancel the card. If he plays nasty id tell him you will report him to the police .
Id speak to your work and see if there is any way you can go to day shift . If it’s not possible then do as above and leave as soon as you can .

I couldn't be married to a gambler, or share property (or bank accounts!) with one.

I know somebody who finally quit gambling - he'd spunk all his wages to the point of walking 3 miles each way to work for the last few days each month when his 4 week bus pass ran out and constantly owed friends money. He went eight years before he put one bet on a big sporting event, and then it was just a quick go on the fruit machine while waiting for a friend to arrive at the pub... within a month he was back to square one. It is sad to watch and I always worry he's going to end up out on his arse, or worse.
You would never be able to trust that he wouldn't do it again.

Get him to open a Credit Karma account (or similar) and share the password with you. You can check all card balances, loans, mortgages, basically any debt, any time of day. You should make this one of the conditions of you staying together.

Do not put the debt in your name.

Divorce him. Even if you want to stay living together, you cannot be financially joined. He will ruin your life.

Even lottery must use debit card when done online. Only shop bought tickets and scratch cards can be purchased with a CC.

Terrible advice

You can’t cancel the card, but could you not reduce the credit limit to zero?

Sounds like I could have written this. I’ve just gone through a divorce over almost the exact same thing. The lies just continue and he will find a way….its not worth your mental health, it really isn’t. I also have a 2 year old and do shift work. Not sure why you are saying you couldn’t do that as a single mum, wouldn’t your kids be able to stay with him when you work? My ex was a useless husband but no issues as a dad and we do 50/50. I also looked at going to a 9-5 but the pay cut is too much and childcare bills would go up because you’re covering 5 days not just 3.

But there is a balance on the card so they won’t