Husband and his debt

[CarryOnRewardless]

At Christmas 2024 my husband took out a credit card without my knowledge and used it for online gambling, within about 2 months it was up to the limit of £8,000.

Obviously I was so upset about this and took over all finances. The minimum payment on the card is around £250 a month so he’s added that to our outgoings for absolutely nothing.
I’ve been chipping away at the card and every couple of months I ask to see the statement to make sure there’s been no transactions.
A couple of months ago there was transactions on there and I was so upset and he made a big show of calling the card company and reporting it as unrecognised transactions. During the call it dawned on him that it was him (what a surprise!) He was going to GA did about 10 meetings then stopped.

The payment is due this week and I’ve asked to see a statement and he’s asking why so there’s obviously something on there. Last time he told me he’d deleted the card from his phone so that’s a lie.

If I had a normal job I’d LTB but I do shift work and our child is a too young to be left all night on his own

How would you manage finances going forward? I know the usual Mumsnet answer is we’re married it should be joint money but I don’t want to manage his money any more it’s too stressful and paying off his debt while he’s adding to it anyway. He has no concept of budgeting and thinks he can spends what he wants.
I’d like to just take half the bills and food and the rest is his. He will then blow it all at the weekend and then won’t be able to get to work. Then he’ll ask to borrow from me no doubt but this cannot continue

Sorry just had to get that out

I agree my suggestion wouldn’t work now I know more about the situation but it worked for us in different circumstances

I agree this approach wouldn’t work now I know more!

Having the card is pointless if he has the card details.

Do this.
tell the credit card company that you need to cancel your card as you've lost it and need a new one issued? Then keep new card hidden and the card on his phone won't work anymore...

You can also freeze / pause the card so no new transactions can be applied.

Separately I'd have gone to rhe police reported him for fraud and be beginning divorce proceedings. But I have seen first hand how easily men who gamble will destroy their wives and childrens lives*.
If you think he will say sorry and stop you are very foolish.

Your husband isnt going to magically stop gambling and you bailing him out and repaying this is just enabling him.
If nothing else please start educating yourself re: gambling and gamblers behaviour.
https://www.gamcare.org.uk/ might ne worth contacting

He is going to keep bringing misery to your door

*not saying women dont gamble..they do. but the only gamblers I know are 2 male relatives.

I'm American and was going to suggest you divorce him and continue to live together until you can survive on your own then saw others have already suggested it.

I know a couple who divorced due to excessive bills in H's name that W wanted to disentangle herself from. They did separate a few years later permanently but the time allowed W to save money and keep the family home etc.

Its perfectly fine to game the system imho, it's stacked against us peons generally so what you can use it to your advantage, do so.

Ask yourself 'would a rich person do this?' Yes, yes they would, anything to protect assets. Sorry your H has a gambling addiction it must be sickening to think of all the wasted money. Did he ever win and share it with you? I bet no...

A little update. The plan was to get a loan (in husbands name!) pay off the credit card and close it.
Speaking about it with husband last night and I said “we’re only getting a loan if you agree to close the credit card account”

And he replied saying he won’t close the card!

Massive red flag for me. I have told him I will be monitoring the card closely and if there are any more gambling transactions on it we will be having separate finances from then on and I will be making plans to exit the marriage

Oh OP…. He doesn’t want to change. He just wants to shut you up. Unless he really wants to help himself, there’s NO WAY he will stop gambling. Besides, what’s to stop him opening another card you don’t know about?
Id start making those exit plans now.

The telling statement here is YOU have been chipping away at the debt not HE. Doesn’t this tell you something?

OP, you are enabling him.
This will only get worse and worse.

Stop fixing his mess.
Get out.

Contact organisations supporting families with gambling issues.

You are on your way to the gutter.

Stop enabling him and start divorce proceedings. You already know he’s an inveterate gambler who has not stopped nor shows any intention to stop either.

He will ruin yours and your kids lives if you stay with him. He will bankrupt you financially and you could personally lose everything because of him.

You have a choice re this msn and your child does not. Growing up in such a household will affect your child markedly if it’s not already.

Cut your losses. He’s on the way to bankruptcy

I suspect you are very much correct!

I have only made payments to the card as I have all of his money paid into my account. If we had separate finances I would not be sending a penny to it

How old are your children @CarryOnRewardless . Read your update! Based on the back of another comment drinking/gambling are all very similar issues. Lack of prioritises.

Sad that it has come to this you can't live like this. If it means selling the house then so be it. Might give him a kick up the arse. You mentioned shift work maybe you could request a flexi working pattern and set days. Hope you have a friend to lean on.

OP, you keep mentioning 'separate finances' - thing is, the debt wont be considered 'separate' if it comes down to divorce, it will all be in the pot. If I were you, based on your dh's response to cancelling the card, I'd be filing for divorce now to minimise the damage to your finances in the long run.

It sounds as though the debt isn't a problem to him ... you are. He's treating you as the enemy whether you realise it or not.

Can i suggest that you put it to him that the house and mortgage go in your name so that he can't gamble them away? Obviously if you divorce later the house is still in the pot.

I’d divorce him so you are liable for his debt for starters then if you want to stay in the relationship that’s up to you.

I have told him I will be monitoring the card closely and if there are any more gambling transactions on it we will be having separate finances from then on and I will be making plans to exit the marriage.

He is an addict, and his addiction is still very much active. You haven’t taken over his finances if you do not have access to all his lines of credit. I bet he has other forms of credit, be that other credit cards, loans (secured or unsecured), loans off family and friends etc.

Ultimatums just trigger him to find new ways to cover his tracks. Have you seen his credit report? He will bankrupt himself, your responsibility to you and your child is to be as far away from the epicentre for when the inevitable happens. You need to be seeking advice from professionals not listening to a your professional liar of a H.

I have access to all his credit reports from all the agency’s, he has this one credit card and a mortgage with me. No other cards or overdraft

You can’t keep your finances separate if you remain married. You’ll be funding his gambling addiction - he’s not even making the effort to stop - went to five GA meetings and then gave up? Letting you handle all money aspects of life while he battles not to gamble while he resents you for taking financial control? Eventually (and it won’t take long) that resentment will turn into something else.

Another update from me (think I’ll start using this as a diary!)
On Friday he asked me to transfer him some money so he could play a game online
I said no, what a waste of money

He said in that case transfer me all my money. So I did (after I deducted his half of the bills and food)

Im done with this now and I won’t be helping him. From now our finances are separate until I can get out of this.

Hopefully he hasn’t blown all of it, he needs petrol in his car, £38 for his train ticket for the week plus £6 a day to park at the station.

No doubt he’ll ask me for money. Any tips for standing firm when I say no?

Thank you

Oh, what an awful situation for you. Get your ducks lined up and get out as soon as you can
when I need to stand firm I have a short phrase I use on repeat and don’t vary it. So for this I think I’d try something like ‘ our money is now separate, and you need to prioritise what you spend your money on’
and then use his words followed by your phrase, so ‘ I hear you need money for petrol, but our money is now separate……’

OP, I will keep posting that he will put you in the gutter and not think twice.

I know intimately about gambling through my friends sister.

Extremely MC with two fine careers and a beautiful home and life stye.

After 25 years it came out he had been juggling and gambling their entire marriage.

Their huge pension investments gone.
She completely trusted him.

They had to sell their beautiful home, she now lives in a small bungalow and herhas a one bed tiny studio.

She is blessed that she always worked and has a good pension.

Her son's inheritance is gone.
None of them can forgive him.
She reckons he gambled 7 figures at least.
You wouldn't have known to look at him.

She got involved with a gambling support and the stories of lives destroyed would make you sick.

I had no idea before I was told a decade ago.
A whole other world of absolute misery.

Call the card company and tell them that your husband has a gambling problem, you’re trying to pay off the debt already accrued, and a bar should be placed on the card and no replacement card sent out. Follow this up in writing (email) to the card company so you have a record. Cut up the existing card, and delete it from your husband’s phone.

If you end up divorcing over this, the usual position is that it makes no difference whose name assets and debts are in - they are all in the pot for division on divorce. So don’t get comfortable with any loans or cards being in his name only. It’s possible that the gambling element may result in a judge saying he should bear the debt but that is not a guaranteed outcome.

He’s an addict. Gambling comes before you and the dc. He won’t accept help and so you leave or put up with it. Threats, compromises and talks won’t work.

He is not going to change. The only option you have to protect yourself financially is to divorce. He will drag you down with him. You need to protect your finances before it gets any worse and effects your children

Op i know you are concerned about a loss of salary if you divorce and have to find a new job but if you stay with him he will financially ruin you. He will take everything you've got.

I would divorce ASAP. No ifs or buts. He doesn't care about you.