33+3 weeks pregnant, high risk and my husband has just left me

[SugarPlumBiscuits]

I am 33+3 weeks pregnant. I'm currently in hospital as my waters went at 32+1 weeks. I stood up to make some tea and I was suddenly soaked, and I convinced my husband to take me into triage as something felt off. I was admitted and I am being monitored daily. Currently baby boy is showing no signs of distress, and there aren't any signs of infection so they're hopeful we can make it to 35 weeks.

My husband has been working still, and coming to visit me in the mornings and evenings. He hasn't been overly happy about it, but he's been coming. In terms of day time my mum, sisters and friends have been taking it in turns to come and see me, and last weekend my mum brought a nice lunch for us to have together.

Last night my husband came and was pretty angry, he was saying he didn't have time for this anymore and he was saying he couldn't keep doing this.

Then out of nowhere he said he'd be packing his things and leaving the house. He told me he wouldn't be there any didn't want to hear when the baby came, because he didn't care. I feel completely blindsided, things were great before I went into hospital and we were really looking forward to our baby boy's arrival.

I have no idea what to do now. I can't face getting a lawyer, and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because I will just break down and disturb the other women on the ward.

Just posting to vent really, as I feel so alone and broken

Unfortunately a c section seems to be the only major surgery that the NHS doesn't take seriously. I wonder why that is....#malepriviledge

I had an emergency section in 2012, it was complicated (awake for 48hrs+) and we struggled with establishing feeding. Despite this we were discharged on day 2. Elective in 2018, discharged the next day.

Just a tip for home OP, try to sleep as upright as possible with lots of pillows round you as it can be so difficult trying to get up to a sitting position after a CS. Obviously much easier with a hospital bed. Does your NICU have little video monitors for you to watch baby overnight? Ours does. I hope you do and you can watch your baby boy sleeping peacefully.

Aww sweetheart, I've teared up reading your posts.

Congratulations on the birth of your son. Born to a strong and loving mummy no doubt.

This thread is the best of MN with advice, support and extended love to a stranger.

You need to rest up, knowing your baby boy is in the best hands. I too had a baby in NICU so I understand.

I wish you a good night's sleep dear @SugarPlumBiscuits

Sending you and your dear little boy congratulations and a virtual hug. He sounds gorgeous.

Thank goodness you have your m and d and your sis. If I were you, I'd stay firmly within that warm circle and ask them to fend off any person outside it until you have recovered.

Take it hour by hour, focus on yourself and your dear baby and the steps to getting home and being together.

Surgery can seem like a big hill to climb in the immediate aftermath, but each day brings healing and more that you can do, so just get as much rest as you can in the first few days and you will soon be feeling so much more mobile and each week will bring a big leap forward. Wishing you, your little boy and your family all the very best

Op you’re being so brave and amazing, and such an incredible mother already. We’re all here for you xx

I couldn’t not post and say congratulations on your lovely baby boy ❤️

I’m so sorry the circumstances are so difficult right now but hold on to your parents and sister and together you will get through this with your son.

Your husbands behaviour is beyond words but try and not think about him or any of it. Focus on your recovery, your little boy getting stronger and hopefully the two of you will be out of hospital and together soon.

Keep posting it if helps, lots of us are here for you xxxx

I know how hard it is to leave your baby in NICU. I was fortunately able to stay in a (really awful) room in the hospital, but utterly messed with me. I was hearing phantom crying and all sorts.

However, try to consider this time a blessing. NICU nurses take incredibly good care of the babies, and meanwhile you can rest and heal up a bit, ready to be the best mum when you're able to take your baby home.

I'm so glad your parents are able to take care of you. The next few days, as baby blues kick in, could well be rough. Take care!

Hope you’re ok op. Lean on your lovely family x

Hi OP , I'm so sorry your your husband is so awful . But congratulations on your gorgeous little boy focus on him. My DS was born in Dec 9 weeks early and weighed just 3 pounds 6. He's now coming up to 10 months , doing amazing and 24 pounds, NICU babies are so strong .

We stayed in for 5 weeks , but I met a few Mums whose babies were 32/33 weeks and they stayed in between 1-3 weeks if no complications so fingers crossed you get him home soon.

Are visitors not allowed into NICU with you ? I was in Liverpool Womens and visitors were allowed 10-8pm I think , but parents could be there 24/7. NICU is so hard , but he is in the best place and will be home soon.

Sending you so much love x

Just wanted to say you’re doing an amazing job mumma. I’m sorry you’re going through so much, it’s not fair and you don’t deserve it. Xxx

@SugarPlumBiscuits sending more hugs. Massive congratulations. It sounds like he’s perfect you’ve done an amazing job. I’m so sorry everything has been stressful and the hospital has been less than helpful although understand their hands are tied.
FWIW I think you are “physically” enough to go to a family members, you will definitely get a better nights sleep and more attention than you will on an overrun postnatal ward where 3-4 midwives are trying to look after multiple mums and babies. It’s not how it should be but hopefully a good nights sleep will do you wonders. I think leaving your baby in hospital no matter when you do it will always feel awful but it does feel especially cruel to be shipped out when you’ve had such a traumatic time of it bless you. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that.

Focus on that gorgeous little boy you have. I think you should have open access to the post natal ward incase of any problems so keep an eye on the wound if it’s not dressed and if your pain isn’t well controlled make sure you contact them about that. Has anyone spoken to you about expressing for your little one once your milk comes in? You have a little family of mumsnetters rooting for you here x x

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I have no words for your husband that wouldn't get me permanently banned from Mumsnet.

The best practical advice I can give you is to get down to the register office the second you can. Register your child with the name you want plus your birth surname if you have taken your hopefully soon to be ex-husband's surname. You can then change your own surname back at your leisure.

As your husband, he has the right to register the child's name, so I would advise you to get in first. If you don't get back together, you can go back to your birth surname to match your child's and any future children's surname. Otherwise, you face being stuck with having a different name to your child for the rest of your life. And that child will have a different surname to any future siblings.

In the unlikely event of you getting back with your husband, there will be no problem with you changing the baby's and your surname back to his if you really want to. He would be bound to give his permission. Although I'm sure most people would strongly advise against that!

This may not seem like an important thing to you at the moment, but I can promise you it will in the future. Half an hour's effort now will make all the difference and prevent many regrets.

Congratulations on your beautiful son. He's a lucky lad to have a mother who loves him so much. Not everyone has that.

Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful son 💙

Whatever is going on with your husband, whether he is acutely unwell or just a complete bastard of the highest order, you've informed his family and he is their problem, not yours right now.

Concentrate on your son, your own recovery, and lean in to the support of your fantastic sounding family. The best thing you can do for your son right now (aside from choosing him a great name) is to rest and recover, and allow yourself to be looked after.

Aw he sounds so lovely! Well done OP you have done amazing.

Take it slowly, it feels terrible at first the wound - but it's amazing how quickly it can heal.

Hope you get your beautiful baby home soon. Newborn cuddles are the most awesome thing.

I just wanted to add my congratulations OP on delivering a healthy little baby boy, albeit a bit earlier than planned. I'll keep everything crossed for you that he continues to improve and gets stronger every day. I agree with you that you should be deciding on the name now. You've obviously got some time before he needs registering but I'd also give consideration to what surname you give him too (just in case the worst happens and you cannot reconcile with your H - if you can even forgive him that is).

Pleased to hear you have such a wonderful, supportive family too who are looking after you so well. Enjoy being with your beautiful boy this morning.

In 18 years time, you’ll have a big strapping lad giving his momma a bear hug and telling her how much he loves her and appreciates her, and you’ll look back on this time and see that all this stress and heartbreak was totally worth it.

Congratulations to you. You’ve got this, you can do it, you are a lioness raising her lil cub. 💐

Omg op im so sorry to hear you and your child been so let down at a time you needed him so desperately. There is absolutely no going back from this. It would be a divorce from me. Sending you my best wishes. So glad youve got a solid family there to support you

How’s things today @SugarPlumBiscuits

The special care baby units are amazing, and they will take good care of your son. I was born 11 weeks premature, weighing in at 2lb 8oz. My Mum had to leave me in hospital, and she said that hard going, especially as I was in 9 weeks. Your little one is a little bigger than me, and hopefully once he hits the 5lb mark he'll be allowed home. Don't keep trying to contact your husband. If he wanted to contact you, he would. Let your parents deal with your husband and his family. You concentrate on your beautiful little boy, and recovering. I had a non-productive labour and an emergency C-section, it took me 3 weeks before I could do much for myself. Let your parents and sister look after you, get as much help as you can. Enjoy your son once he's home. Worry about the future once you've recovered physically.

“The best practical advice I can give you is to get down to the register office the second you can. Register your child with the name you want plus your birth surname if you have taken your hopefully soon to be ex-husband's surname. You can then change your own surname back at your leisure.
As your husband, he has the right to register the child's name, so I would advise you to get in first. If you don't get back together, you can go back to your birth surname to match your child's and any future children's surname. Otherwise, you face being stuck with having a different name to your child for the rest of your life. And that child will have a different surname to any future siblings.
In the unlikely event of you getting back with your husband, there will be no problem with you changing the baby's and your surname back to his if you really want to. He would be bound to give his permission. Although I'm sure most people would strongly advise against that!
This may not seem like an important thing to you at the moment, but I can promise you it will in the future. Half an hour's effort now will make all the difference and prevent many regrets.
Congratulations on your beautiful son. He's a lucky lad to have a mother who loves him so much. Not everyone has that.”

This by @WaryHiker with bells on.

Also this by @FlyingUnicornWings:
“In 18 years time, you’ll have a big strapping lad giving his momma a bear hug and telling her how much he loves her and appreciates her, and you’ll look back on this time and see that all this stress and heartbreak was totally worth it.
Congratulations to you. You’ve got this, you can do it, you are a lioness raising her lil cub. 💐”

You’ve got this, OP. Use this as an opportunity to get some serious rest and sleep knowing your LO is getting the best care imaginable. Let your parents pamper you. You and he will get through this.

I hope you’re doing OK, OP and got some rest. How’s your little boy doing?

Thinking of you and your precious baby boy. ❤️

It’s not wrong. They’re married; he’s automatically legally the father; the same would apply even if it wasn’t his baby.

Doesn’t matter - legally he’s the father.

Does your hospital have any parent accommodation? Most of them do.

I’m also really surprised about the NICU visitors policy. Every unit I know has a policy of allowing parents to have a named visitor if they need them. They also allow grandparents on the ward at any time too. There are multiple situations where parents can’t be in the unit together. It sounds like they are breaching major guidelines there.

The situation you describe was policy 16 years ago when my daughter was in NNICU (but even then they had parent accommodation and grandparents could come onto the ward) My sister came with me one night because I was really struggling. They tried to kick her out, I told them they’d have to go through me to do it. I explained to the Ward sister the next day and she said of course it’s ok, they could make an exception to the policy in certain circumstances. There is no security risk, nobody can get in without a parent.