Guilt throwing out partner

[Merseymum1980]

Partner and I have had bad two years, hes cheated, done silly jobs and Chasing get rich scheme or nor worked, doesn't help in the house.
We agreed to seperate and him leave on the 13th September
It didn't end up happening and he has been all nicey since but still hasn't helped with house work.
I got in at 9 last night read,bathed and snuggled my son.
Then at 1030pm I had to finishe dishes that he left and start tea. I was mad and tired.
I asked him to help peel potatoes and he said he could not due to tooth ache. Id been up since 6am at this point.
He then started saying he might go stay with a relative because I nag and he feels like a burden to me. I actually would like him to leave in all honesty.
I explained that I ask for help amd I don't get it he just plays computer games. I nastily told him to grow up.
Every time we have a disagreement he threatens to leave, but the last two times I have actually wanted him to leave and not begged him to sort things out.
Im thinking of having a chat with him and asking him to go tommorow whilst
My child is at school.
I feel Really really guilty as he doesn't have much money and had a bad childhood. Ive asked him.for 2 years to get a job and help in house. Im 45 now and im.bored of wasting my breath. We have been together 5 years. But he started all this crap two and half years ago when I found out he cheated.
I really want him to leave so I can heal and concentrate on my child.
I just can't seem to put a stop to this guilt. Has anyone had this kind of guilt complex.
He gambles when he occasionally has money amd to put into context I havent had a great childhood either. Ive parented my mum step dad,dad and sis. I would like to look after me a little now and obviously my child

I actually completely forgot about this post until you and another lady reminded me. Thank you so much

Makes sense that he's begun treating you worse since you found out he cheated and stayed with him.
You thought he would think ‘wow, I am so lucky here. I need to treat her like an absolute queen because that’s what she deserves after staying with me. What a woman! Giving little old me another chance.’
But in fact that’s not how people who treat you badly think. It is more
‘wow, I am so lucky here. What an absolute mug she is. God she’s pathetic. Does she have no self respect? Obviously not, stupid bitch. As if I'm going to lift a finger for that pathetic mess.’

And things get worse, as you're seeing.

Is it his house? Change the locks while he's out.
Is he gonna have contact with your son once he's gone?

This!! He sounds like an absolute waster and you sound a bit wet OP. - Sorry, I don't want to kick you when you're down but it's awful that your son is around this awful behaviour and relationship.

Can you trust your ex in your home now he knows he's been told to go? I'm not sure it's a good idea to leave him alone there over the weekend. He could steal/trash things.

But have you actually asked him to leave op as per your post yesterday?

Yes not sure if you have seen my updates.
He is leaving over the weekend whilst my son and I are at my parents

You need to prepare for phase 2 - if it happens. In a few weeks he'll get in touch with a sob story, reference his shitty childhood, tell you how much he misses you, remind you of the good times you had together. He'll probably lay it on thick with how much he missed your child.
He'll suggest meeting up, maybe drop around.
Do not let him back into your life under any circumstances. Don't let him guilt trip you about your child.
When he's gone, block him on everything. If he has "accidentally" left anything of his in the house, give it to a mutual for him to collect.
Count your blessings and enjoy your stress-free home life with your kid.

@Merseymum1980 I wouldn’t
be leaving while he took his stuff - what if he changes the locks? Take your Uncle’s offer to be there at least. Do not under any circumstance take him back - and the fact your child likes him is minor compared to the damage having him as a role model would do?

You are seriously going to leave the house? Good grief op

come on now.

stay. Have a friend there or even if just do yourself. Keep busy, clear a cupboard out whilst he’s packing up. Don’t engage.

and then once if he leaves, do something nice with your son and try not to think of all the money you’ve wasted on him

Do not feel guilty OP!

Feel angry. Find your anger.

The time, money, emotional energy, physical energy etc this man is costing you is also costing your child!! All that time and energy could have been poured into your child, and yourself too.

Make Monday a nice fresh start.

Don't be guilted into backing down. He will be gone soon, stick to your guns.

Don’t leave him in the house alone this weekend. Either you stay and your son has a fun weekend at his grandparents, or accept your uncle’s offer to check, but even that I am not sure is good enough as he could do anything to the property whilst in it alone.

If you don’t want to handle it alone, could you ask a friend or one of your parents to be with you at the house over the weekend while your son is with the other grandparent?

I would not trust your now-ex in your home alone at the weekend. Please have someone you trust accompany him and get the keys off him when he leaves. Locks changed too

Why can't he leave today?

@Merseymum1980 i agree with this. he could damage property or belongings if left alone knowing he has to leave. please accept your uncle's offer to stay at the property. It's not drama.

I’d feel so much guilt about all the money that I could have spent / invested / saved for
my precious son instead of a lazy unemployed twat of a boyfriend

Agree with PP. You need to get angry at him but mostly at yourself for not dealing with this sooner. Your poor DS.

Don't back down and learn from this.

Why do you feel guilty about this freeloading useless lazy twat who has leeched off you for years but not for your DD who is growing up in a hone being shown that men treating women like shit is the standard to aspire to?

You have prioritised this toaster over your DD and you should feel guilty for that not for fuckboy who is a fully grown adult who can wipe his own arse.

My son hasn't suffered, ive still made sure he is spent on and provided for. I take him on days out all the time, he is dressed well,has 5 years a hundred percent attendance in school and is doing well in school. He is a happy child and has lots of friends.
He cares for my expartner and even though my ex hasn't treated me well he cares for my ds . They play video games together,we go to the park together as a family play sports etc. They get on well, joke together and draw together. My ds has not heard arguments as discussions have been private, quiet and out of ear shot.
Ive always tried to put on a happy front with my ds.
The main reason this has dragged on has been my concern about it upsetting my ds which is why I have given ex chance to shake up and change.
Nothing has changed. Things were I thought great for two years but obviously weren't as found out cheated. He promised the earth but actually things have got worse.
I feel now that its come to head and I have had to end things as nothing is improving. Im getting quite anxious and cost of living making things harder.
I met him he was furloughed in covid ,then made redundant, started doing some work where possible but no proper job, this has completely dropped off altogether now so the situation has changed over the years.
My ex had two devestating life events which affected things, i thought the work situation would be temporary but its got actually worse all together.
I dont want my ds to pick up on my recent anxiety or tiredness. Plus other things have made me decide to end it.

I've cut back on me and struggled to accommodate the situation. Ive not bought myself any clothes etc for years and haven't had a night out for years.
Anyway after reading advice I've decided to be in tommorow when he goes and my ds will be at my parents for the day
I will not be going back to the relationship nor interested in a new one

My son hasn't suffered, ive still made sure he is spent on and provided for. I take him on days out all the time, he is dressed well,

but the thousands you have spent on this useless slug when you could have put it towards your child’s future or your pension!!

What does your son see?

His mum’s boyfriend sitting on the sofa, not working, not doing anything around the house, and his mum providing for him.

I haven't spent thousands. Ivd just paid all the bills and food etc.
Would of been nice had he contributed properly but it hasn't happened and completely stopped so is one of main reasons ive ended it.
Soon as he has gone, after Christmas I would like to have enough to take my son on holiday and then I will be trying to double down on saving for his future

I expect your son views him as his mate: an equal. And to be sure, that's what your ex is, a man child.

Oh op… really? Over years, keeping a man fed, clothed, his socialising money, his drinking money, transport… it would have been thousands.

Yes i completely agree with you on this point actually.
I won't be backing down on this and should of dealt with it sooner.
Part of the issue is that the two things that happened to him he says caused these sudden changes, I thought over time would get better but have got worse